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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to change DC's surname?

114 replies

Stuckey · 06/08/2010 22:09

I have been seperated from DC1's dad for nearly 4 years now. He has his Dad's surname, as we were together when he was registered.

I have since re-married and have another son with my husband. I have asked exP that my new surname be added to my DS' surname. He was outraged at the suggestion and thinks I'm beng completley unreasonable, am I?

I think it would be nice for my DC's name to reflect both his families names, he has been asking alot about names since the wedding, and I think he would like to have the same as me, his brother and step-dad, as well as his biological fathers name. Obviously we can't change it without his fathers permission as he has equal parental responsibilty, but I hadn't expected that reaction from him.

OP posts:
tribpot · 07/08/2010 13:45

edam, yes that's right - in the Spanish speaking world you take both surnames and then your children take both of the parents' first surname, which is the male surname.

I've mentioned this before on MN but I have a friend who took the first two letters of her surname, first two letters of the husband's surname and added 'us' to signify togetherness. They both changed their names to this. (Although did not have children). If me and my dh did that our names would have been Pinuus.

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 13:50

'If one partner gets married and another person enters the set-up that doesn't mean that the father's "ownership" (for want of a better word) should get diluted in any way' This just baffles me. As said before his real father has minimal (his choice) contact. My DH has brought him up, and provided for him, since he was young. His real father has only just began making minimal CSA payments, if anyone hs diluted his 'ownership' it's him.

'If you were so concerned about your name matching your ds's why did you change it in the first place?' I don't know what you mean?

I'd like to think that even if we split, his stepfather will still hold some meaning for him. Like I've said before he treats him like his own, exactly the same as his brother. My DH loves them both equally, I can't ever see that changing, even if we split.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 13:56

As I've mentioned before- I have my step fathers surname, although I have my biological fathers name on my birth certificate. This was a positive thing for me, so perhaps that has clouded my judgement on this. However I know first hand how sensitive I was to differences between the way me and my sister were treated when we were growing up, if I had a different surname to the rest of my immediate live-in family I would have felt a bit ostracized.

OP posts:
megapixels · 07/08/2010 14:07

Stuckey, you didn't mention those things in your OP. I thought he was like any regular father. In any case if he's still in your son's life I don't see why you have to change your son's name depending on how much your ex sees or pays for him. I can understand that it must be hard for you though, to have to listen to him when he has such little contact with your son.

guybrushthreepwood · 07/08/2010 14:10

ah I thought you wanted your surname to match your ds's. Reading op back I can see you wanted to have his name "reflect both his families names"- er, sorry,that would be you and his dad, then, wouldn't it? not his stepdad?

I don't really understand why people just don't keep their own bloody names, makes life so much easier and avoids this musical name switching.

It's all just a name, and if his situation reminds you of yours as a child then you are oversensitive to this. Treat both your kids the same and dont project your own issues onto them.

Why dont you go back to your own surname and double barrel both your kids?

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 14:17

reflect both his families names - yes as in have part of his name the same as his mother, brother, stepfather (a constant provider and carer in his life from a young age), he's grandparents, uncle, auntie and cousin (who conincidently has a double barrelled surname)

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 14:19

This situation doesn't remind me of mine as a child. I treat both mykids the same and have no 'issues' to project. I have siad that perhaps my positive experience of adopting my stepfathers name is maybe why I don't see it as a big deal.

OP posts:
MrsVidic · 07/08/2010 14:21

YABVU- I'm sorry but you are. It's like saying to your ex that your son has a new father. If you change your surname from the same one as you son that is your choice. Personally my mum remarried and I thought she was being v unreasonable for changing her name from mine- and would be devastated in her asking me to change too.

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 14:23

My DS has two fathers.

OP posts:
guybrushthreepwood · 07/08/2010 14:23

eh? I don't particularly understand your last post- it's not absolutely essential to have the same surname as all of your family you know, most of us have a different surname to half our extended family and are still very close to them!

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 14:26

"reflect both his families names"- er, sorry,that would be you and his dad, then, wouldn't it? not his stepdad?

Was pointing out that's it's not just his stepdad that he would be sharing the name with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 14:26

Does it make a difference that he calls his step dad Daddy?

OP posts:
guybrushthreepwood · 07/08/2010 14:27

I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall here.

I'm sure you don't need it spelling out that your ds has one father and a stepfather, too.

If he lived with your ex, and he had a new wife, would that mean he had two mothers?

You can be as mental as you want about all this and it really doesn't matter to me, but the only person you're hurting is your son, and if you carry on like this he will resent you.

guybrushthreepwood · 07/08/2010 14:29

Why doesn't it matter to you if your ds doesn't share your extended family's name?

QueuePosition3 · 07/08/2010 14:29

If I wasn't married I'd never five the kid the dads name. If he can't be added to marry he can feck off. But don't change name. Dh is still cross he lost his and he is 44

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 14:32

guybrushthreepwood - He sees both as Dad. If my DS live with my ex and he had a new wife who had been with him from being a toddler, and I saw him less than once a month for a few hours I'd hope I'd be a big enough person to realise that I'd taken a back seat in his unbringing and be glad of a mother figure for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 14:33

Was his name changed completley QP3?

OP posts:
LookToWindward · 07/08/2010 14:34

"You can be as mental as you want about all this and it really doesn't matter to me, but the only person you're hurting is your son, and if you carry on like this he will resent you."

Absolutely. If you really think this is important wait until the child is old enough to make the decision for himself.

Irrespective of what you think and what is posted here the only person who's opinion matters is the child's father and he does not want it changed. You've changed your mind about your sons name, he hasn't. I think you have to accept that.

guybrushthreepwood · 07/08/2010 14:35

yes, I'm sure that's exactly how you'd feel.

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 14:39

'the only person who's opinion matters is the child's father' Why?!

guybrushthreewood - well it's a bit hard to project seeing as I could never have such minimal contact, let alone choose it, so if I were in that position I'd be a different person.

OP posts:
QueuePosition3 · 07/08/2010 14:39

Surname. Was 9. Moved countries. Exaccerbated guilt about feeling like he had abandoned dad. That divorce was his fault (typical kiss thing ). Loves step dad and calls him dad but feels loyalty to real of slightly crap dad

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 14:42

Ok... so how do you think he would feel if he had both surnames? Thats what I'm asking. DS regards both Dad's as equal (although probably sees his stepfather in a more traditional father role) and has expressed that he would like both names (he's only four however so not really old enough to make the decision yet).

OP posts:
guybrushthreepwood · 07/08/2010 14:46

both dads?

QueuePosition3 · 07/08/2010 14:47

Well he would have had the longest name in the world. Not good be says. He says don't do it to make your life easier. It deserves a LOT of thought

QueuePosition3 · 07/08/2010 14:48

Oh god don't let a 4 year old decide. Leave it as it is