AIBU to think that

[TheLadyEvenstar]

If one child hits another and that child then hits back it is a case of what goes around comes around?

I think YANBU... I know this is not a popular view however.

I found it hard to keep a straight face when I was advised that there had been "an incident" at my DD's nusery where a boy had tried to kiss her; she pushed him away; he scratched her; so she whacked him! Actually, she came of worst but it's just playground/playgroup stuff surely?

Not always that simple - were you never goaded by a bully/sibling until you lost it and lashed out?

Too vague to answer.

Ages of children, circumstances etc.

I would say it depends on the age of the children.

If dd1 (6ys) hit dd2 (nearly 3) then yes she should expect to be hit back or vice versa. But if ds (18mth) then neither should hit back as he to little to understand it's wrong.

See, this is where I disagree.

There is a boy in the village. His mother has said to him (and I know this to be true) that he is never to hit anyone unless he is hit first.

So, what he does to DS2 is wind him up so much (and this has been witnessed by many other parents) (unfortunately DS2 cannot always walk away like he has been told to) that DS2 lashes out and then this boy will hit him. The said boy will go home and say well Bella's DS2 hit me first mum, but he obviously won't say what has happened previously......

My son is 10 btw.

Ages of children 12 and almost 3.

Basically DS1 been giving DS2 a dig for the last 30 minutes before i posted this, I kept seperating them but DS1 being on a wind up kept coming back and goading DS2 who then gave him a wallop, DS1 ended up crying (Drama Queen mode this morning) and screaming because DS2 had hit him with a building brick (plastic).

DS1 age 12 winds up a 3 year old? And you let it go on for 30 minutes?

Posie, no i did say i kept seperating them. putting DS1 in his bedroom shutting DS2 in living room with me. DS1 just kept coming back.

Anyway the question was if a child hits another then should they just get on with it when the other child hits back?

YANBU. If my DS gets hit, I would want him to stick up for himself; simlarly, he should know that if he instigates something, he should expect the same in return.

At 12, he should know the consequences of winding up a little person with limited self control. Got his just desserts I'd say.

However, make it clear that violence is not condoned, etc, etc and as your dc2 gets older the parameters will change.

Have you asked dc1 WHY he was doing this?!

Meow - why does he do anything he does

I did sit DS2 down and tell him hitting is wrong, he answered "DS1 hit me first"

I am probably wrong but sometimes I just feel unless DS2 does hit back - as much as i hate violence - then DS1 won't learn he can't hit out.

Oh fuck it i don't know I am worn out today....and all i really want is a hug but instead i have a headache and the dentist this afternoon.

You need to start sanctioning punishments for DS1 - at 12 he really should know better.

I think at 12 hitting a 3 year old is pretty unforgivable. My 7 year old wouldn't hit his 21 month old brother. If my 12 year old were hitting or winding up a three year old, he would be sent to his room and have severe consequences, like no TV, no screen time of any sort etc etc,.

I don't understand the situation, LadyE. Who did the winding-up, and who lashed-out first?

Either way, a 12yo should able to cope with a pre-schooler's annoyingness, and should definitely not be hitting a 3yo. Similarly a 3yo should be able to understand that he must leave his db alone when told to do so, and obey. So I think there must be more background to this than just summer-holidayitis.

TLE...Having children is tough, Jeez there are some days when I long for enough money for before/after/holiday clubs!! But something has gone very wrong if, at 12, your child is still hitting a much smaller child. You say you put him in his room but he kept coming out? Then he goes back, again, again and again. At this point I would go in very very hard and remove things that he enjoys.

sorry just got bak from the shop.

DS2 was playing with some building blocks a a friend gave him and DS1 kept knocking them over. DS2 moved away and carried on, i put ds1 in his room having asked him 5 times to leave ds2 and the bricks alone.

He came out again before i had got to living room so i put him back repeated this 5 or 6 times before i removed his ps2.

Came back in living room and ds1 followed and carried on, he then pushed ds2 who turned round and threw a block at him.

there is more to it as many know he has behavioural issues, has been diagnosed with ODD and is being assessed for ASD.

Sorry, I'll retract my earlier YANBU... I'd assumed the children were the same age.

Do either of these conditions mean a child is mean spirited or a bully?

Can't you give him something to do, like housework or something, for a punishment? then you kill two birds.

I would assume your 12 year old is jealous and attention seeking. This is what needs addressing.

Collie, he has been the same behaviour wise) since he was 4 - just easier to calm down then.

Posie he was asked to do the dishwasher last night and it resulted in him sreaming and crying and telling me he wished i was dead

They dont in thereself make him mean spirited or a bully but he is one at times and other times he is so angellic.

Is he angelic when he gets his own way then?

Collie,
He is angellic when he is not asked to do sod all, and also there are other times when I just don't know I have him.
There are times when he is just on a wind up from the second he opens his eyes.

Family counselling is available if you're at your wits end. Also some WA centres have links with call centres like childline if he feels he needs to talk.

Do you belong to any support groups or parent groups with children with similar issues as your DS? Only it must be confusing to know what is ADHD and what is just plain bad behaviour. Provoking and taunting a child seems to be just nasty, crying about the dishwasher seems lazy....but I know sweet FA about ADHD.