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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that

118 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 06/08/2010 07:37

If one child hits another and that child then hits back it is a case of what goes around comes around?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 07/08/2010 21:31

TSC, hence why today I have almost emptied his room after asking him to clean it up, telling him, giving him one more opportunity to do it before I emptied it.

He now has his bed and 4 books in there....he is currently laying in bed crying that the world hates him and if i don't give everything back right now he will hit his head on the wall.

He got up and told me that bit, I ignored it and he shouted "Do you hear me? I will do it and then you'll be sorry won't you"
I simply replied

"no darling, you will be sorry because your head will hurt, now go back to bed"

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Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 07/08/2010 21:32

I was just asking the original question again.

is it acceptable in any scenario for a child to hit back...

thats it worded better/

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scottishmummy · 07/08/2010 21:35

he said/i said about your own child is distasteful.clearly you have a lot of frustration,annoyance but dragging it across mn isnt the way tles.really

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 07/08/2010 21:37

SM, sometimes believe it or not it is very good for me to get it all off my chest.

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thesecondcoming · 07/08/2010 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2010 21:40

yes managed,safe disclosure is good.my honest opinion is aibu is not the place for this deep disclosure.you are practically inviting to be misunderstood

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 07/08/2010 21:46

SM,I agree!!

TSC sorry but NOW i AM laughing, over the last 2 weeks he has developed a lisp - never had one in his life!! but now whenever he starts whinging and whining out comes this lisp.

Now I am not giving him any attention as between me posting last and this posting DS2 has got up and thrown up everywhere, and is currently asleep on the sofa.

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scottishmummy · 07/08/2010 21:49

someone compared your child to violet eliz bott and you think its funny?dear god she was taking the piss out your son and you think thats funny.

your sense of perspective is seriously skewed tles.really

why do you invite derision

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 07/08/2010 21:53

SM, no i didn't think it was funny anyone was taking the piss out of him fgs. Just that they had compared him to someone who does have the same attitude.

Come on I have not said go on take the piss. and tbh I read more as a comparison than a piss take.

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scottishmummy · 07/08/2010 21:57

comparison was made,you agreed "i AM laughing" and discussed his lisp in derisory manner "whinging and whining out comes this lisp"

tles,aibu isnt the place to seek a virtual kicking for yourself or son - i just think you have a deep malaise and are inappropriately working it through here

winnybella · 07/08/2010 21:59

Where did he get the idea of calling you a 'stupid woman' and saying that housework is your job? I can't imagine DS coming up with that sort of stuff, simply because it's not an attitude he's around.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 07/08/2010 22:03

SM, I have no Malaise at all. I do not feel uneasy, any discomfort or have a lack of well being - unless you count pain from a tooth extraction yesterday.

~Yes I did laugh at the comparison, not because it was a joke but because I had earlier pulled him up on this lisp which he can control - i guess as many times I have said I know what he can turn on and off. And trust me this lisp is only there when he wants something and if you mention it is goes immediatly.

SM, i don't want a virtual kicking at all. I post on here because it is better for me to get it all out on a screen than scream at him the way I feel like doing at times.

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Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 07/08/2010 22:04

Winny, I really cannot answer that he is not around that attitude either.

DP visits frequently but has never spoken to me that way. So I really am at a loss over it

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togoodtobetrue · 07/08/2010 22:08

By commenting on his lisp you are adding to his frustration Hmm

winnybella · 07/08/2010 22:14

It must be a nightmare for you. I feel very sorry for you.

However, ODD or not, you MUST be tougher with him. What kind of punishment did he get for calling you a 'stupid woman"? If DS, who by no means is parented very strictly, ever said something like that it would mean the end of ALL priviledges for a couple of weeks-at least. And good bollocking as well.

And to answer your original question: it all depends on circumstances. What your DS1 did was UNACCEPTABLE. Warrants a proper punishment. What will he do in a few years time? Hit you?

OTOH if a boy of DS's age hit him hard I guess I wouldn't mind if he hit him back- but more in a case of having been bullied for a while by that boy etc, I wouldn't endorse him breaking someone's nose because he got lightly shoved iyswim-obviously.

But a 12 yo pushing a 3 yo- are you going to puish him for that? It is not a normal or acceptable behaviour by any stretch of imagination.

arses · 07/08/2010 22:18

I am not even a very regular contributor to MN and I have come across your threads TLES.

I think they are hugely disturbing. The reason people hear 'humour' in your posts is that you post about your son as though you believe, on some level, that his behaviour is not as far from typical as his diagnosis suggests: it's just "playground" stuff etc..

then, a few posts later, you start to talk about all the horrendous, terrible things that he does because you want to underline how disturbed and behaviourally difficult he truly is.

Inevitably, somewhere in the thread, it becomes apparent that interventions have been suggested but have not been followed through etc.

I think you are torn between believing he is just a kid and it's all high jinx and feeling overwhelmed and powerless in the face of quite severe emotional disturbance.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 07/08/2010 22:18

Too, please believe be he does NOT have a lisp he applies it when he wants his own way. a few months ago he told me he was going to pass out if he didn't get his own way and guess what ? he did!

He talks without the lisp until he wants something and is told no, once he hears the word no the lisp creeps out. but if you mention it then it disappears immediatly

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winnybella · 07/08/2010 22:22

TLES- will you answer my post, please? About what kind of punishment he gets for his behaviour?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 07/08/2010 22:36

Winny, he was punished for the way he behaved yesterday and between then and now (have had a lot of stuff to move over the last 2 days and hosp appt yest) he has lost everything from his room. except bed and clothes of course and some books.

I don't allow him to hit out, and 9/10 times DS2 is by my side even if i am in the toilet to keep him safe.

Arses,

I have previously posted about DS1's behaviour in an OP and have been flamed for it, if i try to explain things further along I am accused of drip feeding, If I try to post without giving too much info I am bu for not telling all.

Trust me on one thing. I know better than anyone his behaviour is beyond normal....I could tell you stuff that would make your hair curl but I cannot bring myself to.

Interventions are in place, and have always been but when after 2 months something is not working - in the past - I try something else.

I do have a tendancy to want advice on how to deal with the average 12 yr old....because he is a 12yr old and then needing to know how to deal with him as an individual.

I for a long time would not believe anything was "wrong" because my family put him so high on a pedestal, blamed me, blamed his father leaving, blamed teachers at school, blamed the fact he was an only child, blamed the fact i am not a zone for name brands, that he wanted a pet, needed a bigger room, needed to see his father/not see his father, missed my dad, needed counselling, needed time alone, needed activities, needed to do less, have less, get more, do more, join clubs, not join clubs....very conflicting advice tbh.

So in turn I came to MN and at first I couldn't bring myself to type about his behaviour when he was 4/5/6yrs old but by the time he was 7 and stealing my gold to take to school i knew i needed someone to help, I asked for advice here and then the gp.

I have over the years taken the advice given on MN and put it into practice whether it be removal of items, removal of priviledges, reward charts etc.

As I have always said I know my son and I know one thing better than anything....if i gave him the crown jewels it still wouldn't be enough.
I have tried spending time alone with him but this makes no difference....and when this behaviour started I was a single parent. He just started screaming uncontrollably for any reason he was 4 1/2 yrs old. SS were called by neighbours and I was welcoming of them hoping that I would get the support I had been asking the GP for, instead I was told there was no need for SS to be involved as they could see he was a happy little boy and the case was closed.

here we are 8 yrs later and on Tuesday SS are coming out.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 07/08/2010 22:36

Winny sorry I was typing at the time you posted your last comment.

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thesecondcoming · 07/08/2010 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 07/08/2010 22:42

TSC, I am sure you can understand why I laughed then? I was not taking the piss out of DS1 but was laughing at the fact you hit the nail on the head with the comparison?

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scottishmummy · 07/08/2010 22:46

laughing at a joke at son expense is low,really low.my god as mother you should be leaping to his defence not chortling at his lisp or comparisons to a boisterous child off the telly

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 07/08/2010 22:49

SM, he does not have a lisp...he turns one on when he wants something to go in his favour,
he has never had a lisp not since he first started talking.

Its not a real lisp it is him playing the innocent little boy and manipulating a situation by sounding so innocent.

I wish I could let you hear how he goes from screaming about what he wants to lisping in a split second and then forgetting halfway through he had this supposed lisp and talking without it.

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Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 07/08/2010 22:50

And don't tell me about jumping to his defence I have spent the last 12 yrs doing just that,

I have defended him so many times but there comes a point when he has to take some responsibility for his behaviour when it comes from nothing and nowhere. And it can. Like this morning.

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