To feel I did not sign up for this joyless existence on 3 hrs sleep a night

[Athrawes]

Everyone says "well it's what you signed up for" when refering to the lack of sleep and utterly joyless existence that I now have. My baby is nearly 4 weeks old and sleeps for 2.5 hrs at a stretch during the day and an hour at a time at night. In between short sleeps he needs fed, winded, changed and persuaded to sleep. People say "ah that's normal" but I know that three of my friends who have babies the same age are sleeping for 5-7 hrs a night.
He's a cute enough kid but I feel utterly lacking all pleasure from him and when I wake at night when he cries just want to leave him there so overwhelmed am I by the knowledge that it will never end. If i was single I would just leave town and put him up for adoption - this is NOT what I signed up for. I hate the people who tell me that swaddling/cosleeping/expressing are the answer as I have tried them all and nothing works.

I am up too doing a night feed, so couldn't just leave your post out there.

Firstly, ignore your friends. Their babies may not be sleeping so well in a few weeks time.

He is probably in a growth spurt at present, which may be explaining the frequent night waking. At 6 weeks I remember that I was doing a lot of feeding lying down in the evenings, to try to give him enough milk so that he would go a bit longer at night.

I think that lots of people find 6 - 8 weeks a hard time - the newborn novelty has worn off, it is a growth spurt period and it is just before they begin to smile and really interact. Hang on in there...

G'day
My sisters always told me to put a big circle around the six week mark on the calendar. That's when they start to get a bit more settled and into a routine (hopefully). And when they start to smile and gurgle... Hang in there. It will get better.

I'm so :( for you that you are having such a hard time. And sad that things you are trying aren't working for you - but am going to suggest another thing to try. Cranial osteopathy might help - it can be very good for sorting out all sorts of things to do with new babies. See if you can find a local cranial osteopath - they take babies from any age and give it a go. I can't promise it will help but it might, and it certainly won't do any harm.

Have you spoken to your HV about it as well?

I second the cranial osteopathy point.

I have a 2 and a half year old and have been up twice and now am awake for the day lol. All children differ and you will get used to it.

Your posts hints that you've got a partner. These early weeks are where teamwork is vital... Get your partner to take over some of the night feeds, perhaps, or let you catch up on your sleep at the weekends. If you have friends or relatives willing to help, accept all offers of even an few hours rest.

Also, talk to your HV. They may have some constructive ideas on how to get baby to sleep longer than an hour at a time. There's sometimes a link with feeding. Good luck.

I take it you're living with your partner right now? Can you not get them to help for a couple of feeds to allow you to get your head down for an uniterrupted stretch? You can express a bottle or two to tide them through. This is why those of us who are lucky enough to have partners on the scene need to hand over control of the reins from time to time - you won't get a medal for doing it all yourself. :)

My boyfriend handled the 1am feed this morning - this meant I got 6 hours. Not quite enough really to catch up - but bliss all the same.

I remember confiding in my (childless) friend "I've not signed up to this". I'll never forget the look of horror on her face that is why MN is vital!

I totally understand where you are coming from but you are wrong about one thing... it will end, I promise. My DD is 2 now and I can remember how tough it was and if I'm honest how much I loathed the first 4 months but it honestly goes so quickly.

You sound really down, be kind to yourself. There are people who sail through this bit and enjoy their newborns immensely and there are people who just get through it (me) and much prefer their experience of motherhood, when the child is a bit older.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - the first 6 weeks are a living hell and I didn't think it got much easier past the first 12 weeks to be honest...

Every day seems to last at least a week and it's horrible.

Just keep going - it will get easier, honestly.

I left home by the way when my ds was a few weeks old - I'd absolutely had enough - almost threw him into dp's arms and marched out of the house. Got as far as a bench down the road and sat in the sunshine and sobbed. It was lunchtime and I hadn't taken any money with me, so sat for 30 mins or so and went back!

So I know the feeling of just wanting to run away from it all - and the huge disappointment of not being this amazingly happy earth mother that others seem to be...

Just hang on in there and come on MN any time to have a chat - there'll be no condemnatory looks from this side of the computer, let me tell you!

oooh yes - the other posts have reminded me - sod what other people think, if you feel OK about introducing 1 formula feed in the mix, go for it. We did this with both ds's from about 2 - 3 weeks and basically divided up the night. Dp did feeds before 2am and I did after, so ds's would get 1 bottle a night depending on when they woke up.

I remember hearing them cry and praying it was before 2am .

But it meant that we both usually got a few hours block of sleep both nights - an absolute life saver...

Another idea... when your baby sleeps for 2.5 hours during the day, get your head down as well. It all helps.

I totally sympathise, with DD2 things were pretty hideous, hourly waking for months.

I remember standing by her cot one night thinking all I wanted to do was slam her head against the bars...[embarrassed]

There is light at the end of the tunnel though, she is 1 now and a joy (most of the time). If things don't improve though do speak to GP/ HV our DD2 had reflux hence the sleeping problems, we like you had tried everything (co-sleeping, bf-ing to sleep, swaddling etc etc) and were at our wits end.

It will get better, DD2's consultant paediatrician told me just to cross each day off the calendar that i had survived and one day things would get better and they suddenly did.

Try not to compare notes with your friends.

Have you tried co sleeping? it has been a godsend for me, I feed lying down so even if I wake I barely notice it.

At night, only change nappies if they need it, ie a poo.

I never winded my bf babies as they never really needed it. If you are winding and they are not particularly windy babies you may just be waking them up again.

It does get better, but in one ways you do have to get used to broken sleep. My 3 yo woke me 5 times the other night! My 8month old sleeps much better though.

While they are young, nap during the dAy. I seize every opportunity to sleep during the day.

I remember this feeling clearly through a haze of sleepless exhaustion. I remember sitting on the sofa just sobbing that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. The first weeks for me were miserable, but at 6 weeks everything dramatically improved. It does get easier and they do settle down a bit. By the time you get to 3 months you won't know yourself! But I appreciate that is a bit away, so let your partner help - don't think it all has to be you. If you have friends or family close that could pop round a push the baby in the pram round the block 10 times whilst you have a bit of sleep. If people offer to help, say yes! I second LucyHoneychurch - I didn't copy well with the newborn stage where it was just a slog, whereas my friend loved it. She is now struggling with her DD who is 1 and into everything, but I much prefer it as at least you get something back!

Anyway waffle waffle, please don't be so hard on yourself, what you are feeling is normal.

Oh and last thing - maybe buy a swing Saved my life at this age! Look on ebay, got one for £20 - honestly was the best thing we got out of EVERYTHING

firstly remember that while your friends all have said that their babies sleep through, it might have been true at the time, but might have changed the week after.
I remember people asking me stuff about dd's "routine" and replying (to various people at different times "yes, she has milk every 4 hours, sleeps through etc" only for it to all change the next day.
Of all my mates, only 1 has a baby who truly slept through from really early on.

The first weeks are all over the place.
6 weeks, as others have said, is a milestone and things change.
babies have growth spurts and need feeding more then also.

Also, the things you tried (swaddling etc) might be worth trying again every now and then, it could just be that the circumstances were not quite right at the time.

please also dont feel inadequate, some babies are very hard to get to sleep, this too shall pass...

I second the idea of getting our dp to help so you get a few hours sleep in a row at some point, it really helps.

Ooooh yes, forgot abut the swing:), lifesaver here too!!

I second SkiHorse's comments. The thing which saved me in the early weeks was getting my partner to do a feed using expressed milk at 11pm or so. I went to bed around 8pm and slept through until 1/2am, which was just enough sleep for me not to fall off the edge. Sleep deprivation to this extent is torture, but it will pass.

Other things I did were: feed like mad during the day in the hope that DS would get most of the milk he needed then and would wake up less at night (this started to work around the 6 week mark); eat readymeals (at the 4 week stage I thought I'd never cook another meal / read a book etc again - I did); nap when DS slept during the day (housework etc slid completely, but I really didn't care).

Good luck and stick in there.

i know exactly how you feel, my dd was a terrible sleeper and only really started sleeping thru the niteat around 13 months she still sumtimes wakes now but it is sooo much better than it was, i remember a few nites where i would end up sobbing i just cant do this anymore and argueing with my partner that he needs to get up, it will slowly improve, i had 2 others that i knew one who told me there 6 week dd was sleeping from 8-6 and another who said there ds slept 8 hours a nite i felt like clubbing them both over the head when she advised me of this with joyous smiles when i was stumbbling round with 4 broken sleep a nite lol

Feel so for you, that you are having a difficult time.

All the advice here is good - I had a child very much in the vein as yours in that he fed almost constantly, would wake often through the night for more feeds, was extremely windy (and therefore had alot of abdominal pain) etc. To say I was sleep deprived was an understatement!

A few things that helped me: cranial osteopathy - had one session which relieved some of the symptoms, your DC may need more than this but it is worth a try. I was told that CSection babies often benefit from cranial osteo as they have not had their skulls squeezed through the birth canal and can therefore be more susceptible to headaches.

I did baby massage each day. Just a towel on the floor on the bedroom and some almond oil or the like - take advice from an aromatherapist as some oils are not suitable. He stills loves being massaged to this day (he's now 10!)

I bought a bouncy baby seat from JL. It is a seat that sits on a frame which can be adjusted to allow the baby to sit up or lie down (has about three settings I think). It has straps to secure your baby. The frame on the bottom (the bit that sits on the floor) is slightly curved and this allows a rocking motion. The joy of it is that you can sit in a chair and do the bouncing with your foot - the baby bounces and everyone is happy. I got a baby bouncer (door mounted) when he was a little older and he loved it.

I would just add that the first 6 weeks are definitely the worst. I thought I had entered at least the third level of hell in those weeks...and I had gone through absolute hell in order to have my child so felt dreadful feeling so awful. I thought I should be skipping through the meadows ... sadly it is very rarely like this and I would, on that note, take your friends 'kind words' with a large dose of salt - for some reason many new mums like to give the impression that all is wonderful in their world...believe me, it is not!

Sorry for the long reply - just wanted to let you know that you will get through this.

Oh you poor thing - it's such hard work in those early weeks for most of us. Even if you know it will get better, it's tough reminding yourself of that when you are so so so tired. It can be really rubbish.

I am finding life really hard at the moment (have 3-year-old DD and 5-month-old DS), but am hanging on in there as I know the good parts will outweigh the difficulties. It's just hard to really understand this when you are so sleep deprived.

What's your health visitor like? Can you talk to her?

Honestly, my DS so virtually nocturnal until 12 weeks old! So much so that we called him "bat baby"

But, at 12 weeks old, he miraculously settled in to a routine of sleeping right through the night (for 10 hrs!) while some of the other parents at the same point were still getting their sleep in only 3-4hr blocks.

Every child is different, apparently you do have to teach them the difference between day and night so that they learn to sleep at night (this apparently seems to consist of not letting them sleep in the dark in the daytime and being really boring at night) but just take whatever sleep you can get in the day time at the moment, and cluster feed in the evening if possible.

You COULD find that in a few more weeks you are getting the sleep and others are not quite so lucky.

Be prepared though - ds has started being a very early riser and also climbing into our bed at night now he's in a bed with no stairgate on his door! So, it can swing back the other way later too!

Look - put people whose teeny babies sleep for 5-7 hours at a time into the same box as couples who say they never argue. It's just bollocks. 2.5 hours between feeds is totally normal at this stage. Hourly at night's tough though.

It's like a marathon. It's like - as I said to DH hysterically late one night at around week 4 "some terrible sleep deprivation experiment!" It's like hell on a stick. It's temporary.

There are some suggested solutions on here. But more than anything, just keep on keeping on. Remember that sleep deprivation is used as torture. So you're bound to feel like shit.

I note you say he goes 2.5 hours in the day but only hourly at night. Have you tried encouraging him to feed more frequently in the day? You probably have.

From around week 6 (week 7 in my case) it gets easier each week. You're so nearly there.

Can your DH/DP book a week's leave so you know there's a bit of help on the horizon? Can you have your family down to help so you can get some sleep?

We also had a great non-sleeping baby. One thing that worked for us was dh taking her from about 5am putting her in the buggy and going for a walk, so I could get some rest without hearing any wimpering etc round the house. There's lot of differnt ways to split it, alternate feeds, expressed milk, etc etc, but don't make our mistake on the first baby and BOTH wake up and deal toghether with every waking.. My god what were we thinking...

Oh I do sympathise, those first few weeks can be hellish, night waking babies are a nightmare.
Stop tryin to do anything but look after the baby. don't do housework, don't cook unless you absolutley have to. The baby isn't going to be eating the food so have cake/biscuits/choc, whatever it takes and SLEEP. forget trying to meet up with friends for a few days and just sleep as much as you can during the day.
Have you tried feeding lying down and cosleeping? It was a lifesaver for me as you will still wake up but not as much and not having to sit up and deal with things makes all the difference, kick your dp out for a night and get yourself comfy in the middle of the bed with the baby.

It will get better. Keep posting, a lot of us have been there, xx

I'm sorry. You have got it a lot harder than many others I think.

My 6 week old DD2 takes herself off to sleep and can easily do 7/8 hours. BUT my DD1 was an absolute nightmare to get off to sleep - we would have to use the hairdryer or hoover, rock her or put her in the swing just to get a tiny break from her. It was really hard. It doesn't help when people tell you it's what you signed up for when you know other people don]t have the same problems you do.

Take heart that it does even out in the end though - my DD1 is now a fabulous sleeper and has slept through solidly 13 hours a night since 6 months.

Hang on in there.