To feel I did not sign up for this joyless existence on 3 hrs sleep a night

[Athrawes]

Everyone says "well it's what you signed up for" when refering to the lack of sleep and utterly joyless existence that I now have. My baby is nearly 4 weeks old and sleeps for 2.5 hrs at a stretch during the day and an hour at a time at night. In between short sleeps he needs fed, winded, changed and persuaded to sleep. People say "ah that's normal" but I know that three of my friends who have babies the same age are sleeping for 5-7 hrs a night.
He's a cute enough kid but I feel utterly lacking all pleasure from him and when I wake at night when he cries just want to leave him there so overwhelmed am I by the knowledge that it will never end. If i was single I would just leave town and put him up for adoption - this is NOT what I signed up for. I hate the people who tell me that swaddling/cosleeping/expressing are the answer as I have tried them all and nothing works.

Newborn babies are utterly ruthless, and are only beautiful and cute to other people. I think DS used to wake 6-7 times a night and then I couldn't get back to sleep because I started thinking that he'd be awake so quickly it wasn't worth my while. I quickly learned to take my sleep wherever I could get it, handing him over to whoever would take him.

I pointed out to DH that both of us were working, him at his paid job, me at home, so I wanted him to share the night wakings. DH was also much better at settling DS into his cot than I. The gaps between wakings got longer and by about 6 months, he finally slept through the night (12 hours).

I understand. It's horrible. Nothing prepares you. Nothing.

I totally feel your pain! My son would sleep for 2 hours, then wake for 2 hours day and night. It was hell. I hated it. I felt hideous due to lack of sleep and I wished that I'd never had children quite a few times!

I'd second the cranial osteopath and the swing. Ds used to sleep by rocking in the swing with the mini hoover going full blast next to him.

Worth remembering too is that newborns can't focus on 3 things at a time - they have sensory overload and conk out. Rocking, tapping their back and saying "sssssh!" quite forcefully (like the noise of a tap running) is SUPPOSED to work according to The Baby Whisperer. It may be a load of arse of course, in which case get your partner to do it.

YAB a teeny bit U - he is only a tiny baby. if you were posting about an older baby I would day YANBU.

Your baby doesn't know yet the difference between day and night, as his long stretches are in the day. You need to teach him that the long stretches should be at night.

Basically try and stretch him during the night with a dummy / cuddles / maybe even a bottle of water (helpful to do start at weekend so your partner can help) - this should make him more hungry in the day.

We used our "birth ball" more after the birth - DH spend hours for a few nights in a row bouncing on it at night to try and get DS2 back to sleep without a feed. It worked - he slept through (just on BM) by 8 weeks and has slept all night (10.30pm-7.30am) consistently since then (now 3.5 months).

I've had 4 babies; 2 bad sleepers and 2 good sleepers, so I know what you are going through. I think that the advice you have been given on here is fantastic. It is hard work and a shock to the system.

Ignore the smug "mybabysleeps12hrspernight" brigade. All I can say is that you'll get those sorts of people throughout "mine walks at 9 months", "mine can talk at 18 months" "mine can read and write at 2" and it never ends!

You are doing a fantastic and thoroughly hard job and your baby is by no means unusual. Newborn babies can be extremely hard work and the sleepless nights will end, I promise. Generally it gets radically better when they have an established feeding pattern - this will come with time.

Big hugs to you..

The first 8/10 weeks of DS's life are a total blur to me. You think you will never sleep again, that nothing will ever be 'normal' again. I remember crying my eyes out thinking what the hell have I done. Things improved for us when we got a bedside cot (not everyone's choice I know) and it all improved instantly!Don't listen to your friends, I'm sure things were not quite as perfect as you imply, and just do whatever gets you through. As others have said, it WILL get better, really it will. x

Try to feed lying down, skip the burping and only change the nappy if there is poo. If you can feed lying down you can go back to sleep even if he doesn't.

With both mine, things were MUCH easier from around 11 weeks or so. Hang on in there. :)

You poor thing, I'd say I remember it well, but really I just get flashbacks. I remember being asked what it was like at the time and comparing it to being in a war . But no, it is horrible. There's a reason why torturers use sleep deprivation. I'm keen to have a second child but I keep remembering the horror of the first few weeks... and then I look at DS running round the room like a loon, or "reading" a book, and it IS all worth it - in the long term. The short term is unbearable. I shoved DS into DH's arms and got out of thebedroom one night because I felt like I wasn't going to be able to control myself from slapping him, and I would never, ever raise a hand to anyone, let alone a defenceless baby. So I know exactly what you mean.

A couple of thoughts that I used as mantras were:
This is temporary. It will pass.
This isn't personal. My son does not hate me, it's just that his hunger alarm has gone off.
The buck stops here. I have to do this. I am the Mum.now (oh shit!).

I'd add my voice to those recommending expressing, and also that, unless your other half works as a brain surgeon or air traffic controller, then he should be helping. You cannot keep going without sleep. Oh, and if he ever says, "Okay, I'll take him if you can't cope", we'll send the lads round for a word. My DH was okay but only about 75% as useful as I'd have liked, and much worse than me about getting up in the night. Time for your OH to step up and be a man.

The other thing that saved me, oddly, was getting out of the house at least once a day. I need fresh air and get depressed if I'm indoors, being tortured by a mad baby who won't let me sleep, day after day. Get out, see the sky, talk to random people in the park when they admire your lovely son.

You can do it. If I can, you can.

Fresh air does work. There was a reason why people used to pop babies' prams outside in the garden--the fresh air relaxes them and if they're relaxed during the day it sometimes helps them keep calm at night. And the walking is good for the mothers, too.

The other thing that saved my sanity with my number two was a battery-powered swing chair. She loved it and it gave me the odd hour in the evening or first thing in the morning to have a nap when my toddler was down. I forgot she was in it one evening and only remembered at midnight but she was still asleep in it. Like a loon, I turned it off, feeling very guilty. And she woke up and began to yell. It had three speeds and when we were desperate for sleep or just a meal we'd put it on VERY FAST and open the wine.

I really feel for you and know first hand how hard it can be. My DD had 2 20 min naps during the day and 4 hours at night broken into hourly sleep periods. She had to constantly brest feed or else be carried (a sling really helped) as she cried constantly. My HV suggested co-sleeping which was a real lifesaver, especially as I fed lying down. I converted a cheap Ikea cot into a sidecar cot so DD had her own sleeping space too. DD also started to sleep better too. I did this from day 1 with DS and had no probs other than the usual 3-4 hourly feeds. This could be because he was a more chilled out baby though.

Lack of sleep can cause you to think really negatively - I certainly did. I remember feeling like I'd made the biggest mistake and wanted to run away. I got so frustrated one day that I called my mum and told her I was afraid I might hurt DD - I didn't but I did break a door slamming it

Please speak to your HV about how you are feeling. I'm sure it's just because you are extremely tired but could possibly be the first signs of PND. I battled on my own for 6months before admitting I had PND and really regret missing out on the first 6months of DDs life. Once I got help things changed dramatically!

Please please please remember that this won't last for ever, and you are not a bad mother for feeling this way - just a very honest one! xx

Sorry, just reread the end of your post, and feel like a git for recommending expressing.

The only other thing I wanted to say is that you are doing brilliantly, even if you think you aren't. You just made a person, ffs, and you're probably still a bit in shock from pregnancy and birth, plus your body and hormones are going to be all over the place. Are you hiding in the airing cupboard, gibbering? No? Well done! Yes? A pretty normal response to pushing a person out of your body then being screamed at for four weeks without letup, imo. Cut yourself some slack and recognise that you are allowed to have negative feelings as well.

The Rough Guide to Babies and Toddlers by Kaz Cooke is ace.

And yyy on seeing your HV, unless yours is crap, in which case your GP is the next stop.

I was just talking with an old friend last night - her DD1 is 3 months today. She was laughing and she summed up newborns very well. She said "why doesn't anyone tell you the first 6-12 weeks are full or crying windy non-sleeping babies, but then they settle down, learn to burp themselves & things get easier?" Indeed!

I hope things progress for you soon - lack of sleep is not fun.

I had great advice from my Step-Mum. I was very floaty & random when DD was young (it worked well for the early weeks) but when DD was about 3 months & she encouraged me to work on more of a sleep nightime 'routine' - which I did and which worked really well for us.

Entirely agree re. routine when they are a little older. Ours slept well from six/seven months and I am sure it was as a result of all the apparently futile effort from about 10 weeks onwards with routine. It took time to work but it did eventually. Babies vary, though!

I sympathise!

My ds was perfect - went 5 hours between feeds at night and 3 hours during the day. I would sleep when he slept and I enjoyed every minute

dd is 2 weeks old and goes 5 hours between feeds during the day and then seven pm hits and if I'm lucky it's hourly for the next 12 hours! If unlucky she has barely finished one feed before she wants the next. If I didn't have ds I would sleep during the day but I can't so I'm knackered!

Unless she does a poo I don't change her and I don't wind her unless I am trying to wake her up to get her to feed more.

It'd also so draining feeding that regularly. Try and make sure you are eating and drinking enough.

It will get better - they are still so tiny at this age but they will grow quickly and it will get better.

Definitely get dp to help. My dh is taking ds out at weekends so I can sleep in the day. He has also taken on the lions share of housework so all I have to worry about is caring for the kids.

I know exactly where you're coming from. I struggled with DC2 as he was not a good sleeper and at that time it was breast OR bottle. With DC3 some 5 years later the best thing my midwife ever said was, it won't do baby any harm to have formula once in 24 hours, she got a good bottle at bedtime and sleeping was transformed to 5-6 hours. I have always liked my sleep but midnight is an early night for me so my babies always went to bed between 11 and midnight as I refuse to get up pre 7am (and my children never have) It does get easier mine are 14,13 and 8 now and as it's school hols none of them are out of bed before 11am.

the early weeks can be horrific.Things WILL get easier-it might not seem like it now but they will. Sleep deprivation is awful though-if you can sleep during the day then do. Take it when you can get it.
Honestly, it's not forever. Do you have a partner to help you settle your ds at night?

I also considered adoption when my son was that age and he wasn't that bad a sleeper. It's so hard, but it will get better. It will seem like ages, but it really won't be long.

I don't think the horror of having a newborn can be overstated. It is really bad, but it doesn't last. You are not the only one who feels like this by any means.

Echoing what others have said, the 6-week mark does seem to be a turning point.
I have 7 week old twin boys, and 3 weeks ago I was literally at my wits end - surviving on around 90 minutes of sleep a night.
Fast forward 2 weeks and suddenly things are slotting into place - and they are now sleeping for an 8/9 hour stretch at night!
Are you BF? If so, make sure your feeds are long enough to allow your LO to reach the hind milk and be properly full. (40 minute feeds ideally).

I promise you, things will improve really soon. And when you get to 12 weeks things get better still. It really will pass, and soon. Good luck.

Athrawes so sorry you're having such a shit time. I was exactly the same for the first six weeks and DS didn't sleep more than 2 1/2 hours in a row until he was about 3 or 4 months old. I thought I would die from lack of sleep at some points. I really really struggled. I didn't tell anyone in RL (apart from DH) how much I was struggling because I felt like such a failure - everyone else seemed to be coping so much better than me.

Someone has already said on this thread that 6 weeks is the turning point and it really is - they just seem to become a bit more settled around then. Hang on - it really honestly won't be this hard for long.

The thing that helped me cope was getting out of the house during the day, even if only for a 10 minute walk round the block. Do you have friends you can visit/baby groups you can go to? I wish I had got out more in the early days - I was too scared to leave the house for the first 6 weeks - if I have another one I will definitely get out and about as soon as I can - it somehow helps you feel a tiny bit more normal and like yourself.

Sending huge un-MN like hugs to you x

I'm so sorry you're finding this hard. I was blessed with good sleepers as babies (they're not now though!).

ANY time the baby sleeps you get your head down too. Forget the house, it'll still be there when the sleep situation improves.

Just make sure you're getting your sleep. Most important thing at the moment.

Oh, you poor thing. I take it this is your first baby? I could have written your message myself with my DS1. I was so far beyond tired and really didn't like him or my life at all and I DETESTED DH for being at work all day and getting a break from the relentlessness of it all .

I had constant fantasies about running away Thelma & Louise style. BUT, it did pass, and so much more quickly than I ever expected it to.

And, now, here I am with my gorgeous little DS3 who is 5 weeks old and is following a very similar sleep pattern to your little one. Although I'm still knackered, my perspective is so different this time that I'm enjoying him being so little and dependent on me as I know its such a short lived phased- before I know it, he'll be a strapping 4 yr old who's favourite word is 'poobum'.

Hang in there - it does improve and sometimes it isn't even a gradual improvement. I guarantee you that in 6 weeks time, you will feel transformed!

Thanks for not making me feel that I am the only one with a crap baby.

Today is the weekend and i am going to try and reset his clock, on HV advice. Basically trying to get him awake for the evening and stuffed with milk - at the moment he thinks 4am onwards is his cluster feedi g time.
One of the issues is that we are in a foreign country with no family around. Expressing is another greatidea but I have not managed more than an ounce or two even if first thing in the morning. My breasts will be drowning the poor sod in milk but as soon as I apply the pump they go on strike!

I am close to thinking a bottle might help... But will try resetting the body clock first!

I have an appointment with doctor for a weeks time to discuss PND.