To feel I did not sign up for this joyless existence on 3 hrs sleep a night

[Athrawes]

Everyone says "well it's what you signed up for" when refering to the lack of sleep and utterly joyless existence that I now have. My baby is nearly 4 weeks old and sleeps for 2.5 hrs at a stretch during the day and an hour at a time at night. In between short sleeps he needs fed, winded, changed and persuaded to sleep. People say "ah that's normal" but I know that three of my friends who have babies the same age are sleeping for 5-7 hrs a night.
He's a cute enough kid but I feel utterly lacking all pleasure from him and when I wake at night when he cries just want to leave him there so overwhelmed am I by the knowledge that it will never end. If i was single I would just leave town and put him up for adoption - this is NOT what I signed up for. I hate the people who tell me that swaddling/cosleeping/expressing are the answer as I have tried them all and nothing works.

You are not alone.

My DS is six weeks and a couple of weeks ago I was swamped with the feelings of 'what have I done to my life'. And if I hear one more time about me creating a 'rod for my back' because I am breast feeding/ feeding on demand/ co-sleeping/ comfort him too often etc etc, I just might explode. I certainly did not sign up for hearing other people's know-it-all opinions. This mum business is hard enough.

I've learned that people love to bend the truth about this 'sleeping through the night' boasting thing. Nearly burst into tears when dp said his work mates 11 week old is a 'good' baby and has always slept thorugh the night. But pressed a bit closer and he said that that baby has raging colic, poss brought on by feeding her cows milk and screams blue murder for hours in the evening!

We've tried a bit of everything suggested here and it's gradually working...though we were told yesterday he has bloody reflux problems!

Osteo cranial helps my DS. I had an amazing 5 hours sleep last night after DS had afternoon treatment!

Anything is worth a try...

Athrawes just to say what everyone else has said, that nearly every new mum has experienced something similar (and those that say not have blanked it from their memory or is lying ), it's overwhelming, exhausting, knackering & no matter how "ready" you are for it, nothing prepares you for the first few weeks.

As has been said "this too shall pass" is definitely the motto to follow, it does get better, honest, I promise. (Heck some people (myself included) even go on to do it all again! )

Just saw your post & couldn't ignore it either. I had twins and can totally sympathise with how you are feeling. You will get used to it and, more importantly, will see the end of the tunnel someday son. In the meantime, I found the only way to cope was to pout myself completely at the disposal of the babies - feed all evening, (and most of the day!)sleep when they slept, forget housework/cooking/shopping apart from throwing some baked potatoes in the oven around 5pm.

In the meantime, perhaps give the cranial osteopathy a try too - I've heard it can work wonders.

But, hang on in there - many of us have felt like you do now, but I, for one, have two gorgeous dch whom I wouldn't be without.

Soon, not son!

And not 'pout myself' either - sorry for the crap spelling - am trying to cook

If you have no other children then it is imperative that you get your head down during thge day when the baby sleeps.
i put the bay in a moses basket right next to the bed so I could cuddle them to sleep ( sometimes even dangled boob over edge to sleep without getting them out.Or if all else failed kicking DH out and making them a little bed on one side of the bed with their own bedding and something to stop them rolling and me on the other with a single duvet and as an added precaution a spiky hairbrush

Sorry not to get back to you all, wonderful survivors the lot of you. Surely the Human Rights people should have something to say about us - is there no Treaty on Inhumane treatment that we can all appeal to. What a bizarre design flaw is a non sleeping baby - how is provoking your mother to infanticide meant to ensure survival of the species!
Your support and stories of survival and more importantly, that you all love your child despite the rough start, really help. Thanks.

A fair weekend was had and the last two nights he has slept for two sets of three hours! Of course I did not sleep those three hours, what with lying waiting for him to cry and then waking sure that I could hear him cry but he wasn't and the when he did cry and wake me, being racked with guilt that he must have been crying for MINUTES...So anyway I felt a corner had been turned and have been very upbeat. Went out for two hours walking pram in the sunshine and dared to bare my breasts in public (must get the hang of more discrete feeding!)
Tonight he is damned cranky. No reason. It will pass. He will get better. Two hours of settling and refeeding. He must settle eventually.

Athrawes, just wanted to say, don't think it's in any way your fault that you're finding it so hard. I didn't bond with my first son for weeks because I was just struggling to get through each day. He woke every 90 minutes through the night for months, had colic and problems with feeding. My health vistor told me to go to baby groups because it would help to talk to people who are going through the same thing... None of them were going through the same thing. When I told a friend of the family DS was hard work, she said "well babies are!". I came to the conclusion I was just rubbish at being a mum.

It's only now DS2 has been born, and is a totally different kind of baby that I can see it wasn't my fault first time round, DS1 was an incredibly hard baby and I did whatever I had to to survive - ie shut down emotionally so I could care for him physically. It will get easier!

oh I'm so glad it's not just me that thought about putting my first baby up for adoption a few days after she'd been born. I just remember DH's horrified face when I asked him in all seriousness to ring up social services. At the time I was deadly serious.

5 years later I love dd so much and can't imagine my life without her.

Athrawes, I have nothing useful to add after the fantastic support and advice you've been given. Be kind to yourself. What sort of birth did you have? I had a very traumatic time with dd and felt so ill in the weeks after her birth. Things always seem a trillion times worse if you have no sleep or don't feel well in yourself.

The birth was 100% not to plan. Syntocin, epidural, baby in distress, ventouse, stitches (now restitched). I am going to investigate cranial osteo but do live in a hick mining town on the west coast of NZs south island so it may be as rare as hens teeth and soy milk lattes.
He slept for three, then three then two and a half last night. Getting him to sleep that first time was hard - really unsettled and took two hours but once he was down and staying three hours! Feels like a godsend!
I am trying lactose free diet - why do they need to add milk to sliced ham and to pate! Milk is hidden in all manner of seemingly quite uneccssary places.
Right, he is waking up now so best answer him - sweet little bundle of poo.

You sound so much more cheerful than your first post!

I second whoever it was who said don't worry about changing them after every feed unless there is poo - waste of time and just gets you and them more awake!
Also, if you are BFing then there is no need to burp - we used to sling DS over a shoulder and give a few pats to shake loose any obvious wind but that was it.

Getting the hang of BFing in public was my lightbulb moment. You are free then, you can go wherever whenever you like, and largely unencumbered too.

Definitely nap in the daytime when your DS is sleeping. I stupidly didn't do this until DS was about 3-4 months, no idea why. DS is now 24 months and I still have a nap in the afternoon when he does if I'm really tired (although I am 7 weeks with DC2 which is a big factor currently!).

Feed lying down (added bonus - no wind).Forget nappies unless dirty.

I did the '11am,1am,3am,5am,7am' thing for too long, sitting on the edge of the bed like a numpty, feeding DD for an hour each time and despairing when winding her woke her up again.

Listening to DH snoring while I was sitting there was the tin lid.

It WILL get better.

I tend to change him at the 3am feed so that he does wake up and eat a bit more - otherwise he has that foremilk guzzle and drops off! After a chnage (brisk and to the point, not a day time toe tickling tummy bubble blowing one) he is awake for a top up of hind milk and sleeps longer. That's the plan anyway...I don't change him again at the 5/6am feed and he only sleeps two hours more.
I don't sleep with him because he's a noisy little bugger and snuffles and snorts all night! I did it for two weeks and was awake at every snort.
Did baby massage course today. All very lovely - feed, bath, massage, get dressed - scream! - feed again!

I agree with the idea of trying cosleeping. I did this with both my children and have never suffered from the dreaded sleep deprivation (except if they were ill). They would latch on and I would sleep through feeds. Read this book if you want to know the do's and don'ts. I found it easy to get them out of our bed when ready so don't worry about that.

www.amazon.co.uk/Three-Bed-Benefits-Sleeping-Your/dp/0747565759

You do sound a bit more positive Althrawes, that's great! This stage is so hard, it's not really possible to describe to anyone unless you've been through it yourself. I remember also sitting on the edge of the bed just waiting for DS to wake and felt there was no point in going to sleep and when he eventually did sleep for more than about two hours I ran to his cot like a maniac and woke him up because I thought there was something wrong with him. I am well aware that makes me sound certifiable but, as you will see from this thread, you are most definitely not alone!

Athrawes, just to add my sincere symathy x

Sounds like you're turning a corner in terms of your own thought son this. TBH, I think if you have got dressed, maybe had a bath or shower, fed and changed baby, fed yourself and perhaps gone for a walk than you've had a great day with a newborn. Dont expect too much of either of you!

There will be a day in the future when you look back at this time with fondness, there will also be days when you wonder again why you signed up for this. Both of these days are normal,and those on MN will share and empathise with both.

My sympathies. I don't remember much from my first 2 - except with DD I was shocked at the amount of time bf'ing took. F'ing all the time! With DS I remember sobbing at 3 am regularly for a while, while DH stood around looking helpless and offering all sorts of stupid things. Yelled at him quite a bit too.

DS turned into a beautiful all night sleeper after about 6 weeks (bf till 1 year). DD slept beautifully too but she took about a year to get there.

I bf'ed on demand and co-slept for a few months (maybe 6 months - don't quite remember)

Just to answer the thread title - you did sign up for this - you just didn't read the small print carefully enough.

Just wanted to add my support and sympathies...

Read about half of thread and skimmed rest so sorry if you have heard some of this already.

When they were tiny I found that contrary to not changing etc at night to avoid waking them too much I found that stripping them off to feed and changing their nappy halfway through to make sure they were properly awake and therefore got a decent feed made all the difference. It goes against your instincts but really helped.

Cranial osteo and gaviscon helped number 2 (not so much with sleep but cranky behaviour)

Formula at 10pm (or thereabouts - whenever his feed at that time was) realy revolutionised number 1 because dh could give it while I went to sleep early and because he lasted longer on formula. And sleeping when he did in the day.

Also find heart from the fact that my first was like this. It was truely soul destroying. But from 10 weeks he got a lot better and now at 4 (and from about 14 months) is a fantastic little sleeper who wouldn't wake if the house fell down.

By contrast ds2 only woke twice a night (between 10 and 7) and we couldn't believe our luck. However this continued well past the first year which was totally soul destroying - just not getting better really broke me more than the hourly feeds with ds1! Similarly friends whose babiesslept well when tiny paid for it later.

So (try) to grin and bear it and just know that it WILL get better. It will also get better once he can smile at you and it doesn't all feel so thankless.

Good luck x

Ah, all the poor loony mums out there, bless you all!
The small print...the Mumsnet Guide to Babies has more "what they don't tell you" than antenatal ever did. I mean, you are already pregant, they might as well tell you the whole story!

Know exactly what you mean. I have 2 DCs aged 2 and 4. It get easier. I promise. In the meantime, go easy on your self. Sleep when baby does, forget cleaning and cooking and accept all help.Take it in turns to get up to baby. Remember, alot of people lie about how much their babies sleep. You will often hear them say so and so slept through the night but when you delve further it turns out they didnt. Keep posting. You will get through this.

Do you wake with a start certain that they are crying, check your etch, find they have been asleep an hour and are STILL sleeping and that the cries were all in your head and then curse yourself for not being asleep!
Or mistake the neighbours dog bark or a door squeeking for a baby crying? Nowhere in the Baby Whisperers list of types of cries does it list fantom crying or the howl of a fire station siren as a "type" of cry!

You sound more upbeat now Athrawes; I do hope thngs continue moving onward and upwards apace :)

I've just remembered something very effective we did with our very colicky, non sleeping ds1 which might help your little one as it did ours. When he was tiny we used to carry him around in an unusual way which seemed to ease his stomach pains and settle him a lot. I'll try to describe this position: you put your arm out in front of you, the same way that you see victoria beckham carries a large handbag. Then put the baby's head into your hand, the baby's head is on his/her side, with the front of the baby's torso lying along your outstretched arm. The baby's legs dangle down on each side of his/her body. My ds didn't seem to mind that his legs were dangling freely, and I suppose the warmth and closeness of my arm against his troubled tum was soothing.

Then walk around!

One great side effect is that you develop Michelle Obama fab upper arms