To feel I did not sign up for this joyless existence on 3 hrs sleep a night

[Athrawes]

Everyone says "well it's what you signed up for" when refering to the lack of sleep and utterly joyless existence that I now have. My baby is nearly 4 weeks old and sleeps for 2.5 hrs at a stretch during the day and an hour at a time at night. In between short sleeps he needs fed, winded, changed and persuaded to sleep. People say "ah that's normal" but I know that three of my friends who have babies the same age are sleeping for 5-7 hrs a night.
He's a cute enough kid but I feel utterly lacking all pleasure from him and when I wake at night when he cries just want to leave him there so overwhelmed am I by the knowledge that it will never end. If i was single I would just leave town and put him up for adoption - this is NOT what I signed up for. I hate the people who tell me that swaddling/cosleeping/expressing are the answer as I have tried them all and nothing works.

Sorry Athrawes I don't have the time to read the whole thread but from the last post it sounds like things are a little easier.

I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. My baby was very, very grumpy for the first four months or so- and nothing seemed to help. There were times when I just wept at the sheer pointlessness of it all- and I was getting a fair wedge of sleep, so I can well imagine it's been harder for you. I think your description 'joyless' hits the nail on the head- there isn't much fun in having to constantly deal with a crying baby who you can't soothe, and being surrounded by other babies who are starting to smile and gurgle makes it all the harder. I honestly felt like I'd made a massive mistake and that I wasn't cut out to be a Mummy because if I was, then why wasn't my baby happy?

I'm sure the thread is full of suggestions to try so I won't add to them. All I'll say is that I also know the frustration of trying everything without success...which is almost as bad as the crying and the guilt about not enjoying yourself!

You can tell what's coming, can't you? Yes, my little one has cheered up remarkably and is now lots of fun to look after. It's taken a while but I'm enjoying it now and life no longer seems like a trial to be endured.

Yes, I know you have to deal with the here and now- but you are not bad for feeling like this, and It Will Get Better.

An update.
Baby suddenly learnt to sleep five hours at night. This in turn means I get a good four hour chunk of sleep in one go and am far saner and happier.
Have also met lovely community psych nurse and have some support ideas in place for the really bad days.
And finally, baby smiled. No, really, not gas, a real smile.
Still hard and whilst I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel I now believe that it is there.

Athrawes, I've only read your first post. Just wanted to say that it is extremely hard in these early weeks. Nothing can prepare you for how hard it is.

But. He will change. Before you know it he'll be changing far faster than you can catch up with - you'll have just about worked out where he's at and zoom! Next phase! Keep up, mummy!

Things do get better. At the moment just go with what works for him, discard what doesn't work, take things gently and be kind to yourself. Eat lots of lovely foods - but make sure you balance cakes with smoothies. . Sit and watch all the lovely little facial expressions he makes, listen to all his schnoozly sounds - make it almost like a meditation on your lovely boy, as that's a good way to help you slow down and go at his pace.

Apparently for the first 3 months they are essentially like a foetus, so they need lots of cuddles and closeness to mummy - do you have a sling?

Why don't you post back on this thread in about a month's time - or, at least, look back at your posts in a month (and then another month later again) and you'll be able to reflect on how much things have changed.

In the meantime, just take our word for it.

Best of luck.

Oh - just read your last post.

Brill. Keep going, girl, you are doing a fabulous job.

glad to hear things are getting a little easier, it's suprising how much getting a few hours of decent sleep helps :)

onwards & upwards :)

Athrawes, bless you. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can prepare you for the utter shock of your first baby. I truly believe I spent the first 3 months of DD1's life in such a state of shock, all I could do was just focus on her and nothing else. The sleep deprivation is beyond awful.

So pleased your DS is now able to go for longer stretches. Be prepared for blips though. My 21 week old DD2 is usually a pretty good sleeper, but this last week or so she's been waking several times a night. Somehow it seems harder at the moment, not least because I also have a nearly 3 year old to keep entertained during the day so don't get much rest then either!

Good luck, and long may your DS's sleep continue to get longer!

Oh Athrawes, just read this thread through. So glad things are starting to improve for you. It might be two steps forward, one step back for a while but things WILL get better in time.

Your comments brought back so many memories of those horrendous first few months. I remember at about 5 or 6 weeks hallucinating that I was still holding my DS when in fact he was swaddled and asleep in the travel cot next to the bed!

I know you don't want to hear about co-sleeping but after 6 or 7 weeks of hideous sleep deprivation it really did make a difference to me. My sister opted for having a 3 sided cot joined to their bed and that worked well for them - not sure if they are easily available in NZ but I'm sure you could improvise.

Just wanted to add that there are quite a few of us MNetters here in NZ (I'm NI unfortunately - would love to end up on the west coast one day though ) so hopefully there will always be someone around for a chat, even when the UK is asleep.

I have an alternative answer as a mother who went back to work full. time at 2 weeks... do the same. You'll feel hugely better and at home care won't just be your own responsiblity. We used to leave at 7.45am and it was such a relief and you know you'll get time to read on the train and then be treated well at work and then get home in the evening much more able to be a better parent. Men do it and many women - it is the solution and of course also they grwo up - our oldest are in their 20s now and uyou get more sleep then and you can try to encourage patterns of longer sleep and also make sure at the weekends the father has them on a fair basis if you both work all week so that you get sleep in the day too.

Xenia, Athrawes lives in a small mining town on the West coast of the South Island of New Zealand. It's pretty remote. The nearest train is several hours away (Christchurch). Not sure how many nannies there are for hire out there either.

athrawes - well done. Just to add my piece. I totally didn't bond with my DS2 til he was about 3 months old (had two close together neither slept I was a mess).

Then bit by bit he has crept into my heart and by a year old I loved him more than I thought was possible.

Lots of skin to skin.

and nothing wrong with going to bed at 8pm whenever they aren't cluster feeding.

Also let him feed and feed and feed until he refuses (as opossed to him falling alseep then endless attempts at trying to settle)

your doing brilliantly, the smiles are only the start, it does get better and better (abet seemingly slowly)

Well may be she should work and her husband stay home then if she's finding it hard. Let's not be sexist about it.