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AIBU?

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Original poster

....to not want to give money as a wedding gift?

158 replies

LucyLouLou · 03/08/2010 13:22

Asking on behalf of my sister, I'm wondering what you guys would do?

She has been invited to a wedding at the beginning of next year and the couple are asking for money instead of presents. My sister is not keen on doing this and would prefer something more personal. I gather she is not alone in this, I have heard others say this as well. One of the other guests thinks it's like buying a ticket for the wedding. My sister will comply with the request, but she (and I quote) thinks it's "tacky". I personally like buying gifts from a wedding list, but I get that these days, most couples don't need things like kettles and toasters as they have lived together for some time before getting married. Some people going to this wedding are not going to give money though, not sure what they are going to do, possibly give nothing, I don't know.

Opinions, anyone? TIA .

OP posts:
pointydog · 03/08/2010 20:25

I was pursing lips and tutting with my mum just th eother day about a couple asking for money 'for the honeymoon'. It makes me very but I'm not quite sure why.

pointydog · 03/08/2010 20:28

mind you, the request for cash was wriiten as a totally crapola poem.

tyler80 · 03/08/2010 20:29

princesspuds I'd be happy to make donations to those sorts of things without the wedding tbh. Don't think that's unreasonable at all

Kaloki · 03/08/2010 20:30

My best friend asked for cash at her wedding, her and her DH had been living together for 7 years (at least), so there weren't really any "traditional" wedding presents we could have got them anyway.

So money made sense, loads of people live together for a while before marrying now, so the usual wedding presents of household items are kind of useless.

serenity · 03/08/2010 20:31

I hate buying Wedding presents, so it's a good thing that 99% of the weddings we go to are Greek Orthodox so we get to play 'pin the money on the Bride' instead.

We're pretty skint, so I'd rather be able to give them a little bit towards something they really want, than buy something cheap and small that ends up at the back of a cupboard.

princesspuds · 03/08/2010 20:31

I looked up poems and used some wording and made my own up see below.

We haven?t got a wedding list,
The reason we?ll explain,
It?s because our daughter Tia,
Wants to go out ?all terrain?.

We?ve been together for a while,
And have most things we need,
But a donation for Tias new wheelchair,
Will be gratefully received.

So if you?d like to contribute,
To ours and Tias wishes
Our heartfelt thanks go out to you,
With lots of sloppy kisses

fannyinafit · 03/08/2010 20:36

Here here about the poems. Don't mind giving cash though.

A friend of mines mum recieved a particularly nasty brown toaster for her wedding.... she actually saved it in the loft til the lady who gave her it got hitched and then re-gifted the toaster to her!

I think cash is safer.

fannyinafit · 03/08/2010 20:36

princess didnt mean your poem btw think your idea is great!

princesspuds · 03/08/2010 20:39

No offence taken

girlwiththecherrytattoo · 03/08/2010 20:43

I got an invite once that had the bride's sort code and account number on it. "We already have everything we need for our home...but cash gifts would be much appreciated". We got them a charity gift. So rude and grasping IMO.

hogshead · 03/08/2010 20:49

when we got married (quite quickly as my Mum was dying) we asked for money or vouchers to help complete DIY to our home. Those guests who didnt want to give money gave vouchers or asked what we needed/wanted.

In the end we made sure we bought good quality things that we would treasure and use with our wedding money - a lovely dining room table and chairs that we use every evening, a chair to match our 2 person sofa, a new wooden bed frame are among some of things we bought.

To be honest given the circumstances we were just pleased to get married and bring all our family and friends together under difficult circumstances but i have no qualms about giving money as a present to others that ask.

Original poster
LucyLouLou · 04/08/2010 11:36

mrspear - the bride and groom are both English.

So the general consensus here seems to be that money is not really acceptable unless the circumstances are special?

OP posts:
SpanishHarlot · 04/08/2010 11:54

I'm with minniepie I would give them vouchers from one of the large shops.

I too think it is cheap to give money plus you also feel pressured to give more than perhaps you would pay out on a present as it doesn't seem much when it is in an envelope.

If they are asking for money they should have a box with little envelopes so that people can give the money annonymously (it that spelt right???)

diddl · 04/08/2010 12:12

Isn´t the idea of wedding gifts to help a couple furnish their home?

So if people have everything already, maybe they should be grateful for anything at all!

Loonybird · 07/08/2010 02:05

My niece is getting married next month and sent a very cheeky poem asking for cash. She wants to use the ££££ to fund a month's holiday in Australia. She dosen't want much! Being cohabitees they have all the standard electicals!!!!

They take holidays TWICE YEARLY at £2k a time and a minor UK break (clearly unaware there's a recesssion on). They can more than afford the honeymoon. They have a £60k combined income.

Requests for money is TACKY, unless the couple is not finacially well off. These people who now ask for money should change ceremonies ie go Turkish where they pin notes to the B&G.

Some people have no morals and no scruples.

Mowgli1970 · 07/08/2010 07:42

I don't mind giving money as it's quick and easy! It takes the hassle out of gift shopping and to me it's the ultimate personal gift as the bride and groom get to spend it on exactly what they want!

Pheebe · 07/08/2010 08:18

I would (and have) donate the money to charity and give the a card stating that.

The only time I've ever given anything close to money was holiday vouchers to a dear and close relation. They had been living together for many years so didn't need anything 'practical' and had not had a holiday for several years. The request was framed: while your presence at our wedding is enough if you do feel you would like to give a gift... (can't remember the exact wording). I also made them something which they still use today, over 10 years later.

Megatron · 07/08/2010 08:21

I'm not a fan of wedding lists in general and really can'd abide being asked for cash. It's a bit too 'grasping' for me.

ceres · 07/08/2010 08:44

it amuses me when people complain that it is rude to request cash wedding gifts.........and go on to say that they got the couple a hideous gift instead. because that is not rude....??

either give willingly or not at all. if you think so little of the couple why are you going to their wedding?

i absolutely agree that asking for cash gifts is rude. i also think that sending a gift list is rude. in my book, mentioning gifts AT ALL is rude.

however, my friends are my friends regardless of their knowledge of, and adherance to, correct wedding etiquette. so yes, i have inwardly cringed at poems/not inviting partners/other gaffes over the years. and then i decide whether or not to attend based on whether i like the couple or not - and if i go i give what they have asked for. if gifts are not mentioned i give cash anyway.

catski · 07/08/2010 08:50

I don't see much difference between asking for a cash present and asking for a present off a wedding list. I also think that the whole preent thing is about the receiver, not the giver, so if they wanted a cash gift I'd give them a cash gift.

zerominuszero · 07/08/2010 08:59

We asked for vouochers which I think is fine. Specifically asking for cash does seem a bit naughty although in some ways it's not dissimar to vouchers. We were very happy to recieve stuff...if the person giving knew what the heck we wanted...

deliciousdevilwoman · 07/08/2010 09:24

I just don't understand why people getting married would request or flag up a preference for anything-be it cash or gifts within their invitations especially. It just seems so crass and grabby. When we married, we didn't have any naff poems about presence not presents, gift lists, requests for money/presents. Nothing was mentioned. Guests in the main gave vouchers. Some just gave a card. Which was fine. We genuinely had no expectations.

TheLadyEvenstar · 07/08/2010 09:39

This thread is interesting.

I am getting wed next year, now the thing is presents are not really needed as I have everything I need so does DP.

My idea was to ask for gifts of money/vouchers to add to our honeymoon.

I will rethink it now as it appears I will come across rude.

Oblomov · 07/08/2010 09:42

Its strange that we have this view of money as dirty. money grabbing. if someone popped a £20 in a card. thats vile. but if they buy you a present worth £20, thats o.k.
asking for money is seen as so awful. strange.

pagwatch · 07/08/2010 09:51

The people posting ..well asking for a gift is rude... have missed the point that several of us have tried to make which is that an invitation should include only that.
Any request for anything other than the guests attendence is incredibly rude.

It is just that an invitation which not only asks for a gift but makes that request specific to cash is also crass.

A wedding gift list was designed to give those who did not wish to risk sending a duplicate gift, or who had no idea, some indications of what the bride and groom particularly wanted. It was usually held by the brides mother and only provided to any guest who requested it.
Then people started putting them in with the invite Shock And then it was when shops made the whole thing extra mercenary by listing specific items that it all got a bit grasping and now we have the orgy of souless shopping by marriage.