....to not want to give money as a wedding gift?

[LucyLouLou]

Asking on behalf of my sister, I'm wondering what you guys would do?

She has been invited to a wedding at the beginning of next year and the couple are asking for money instead of presents. My sister is not keen on doing this and would prefer something more personal. I gather she is not alone in this, I have heard others say this as well. One of the other guests thinks it's like buying a ticket for the wedding. My sister will comply with the request, but she (and I quote) thinks it's "tacky". I personally like buying gifts from a wedding list, but I get that these days, most couples don't need things like kettles and toasters as they have lived together for some time before getting married. Some people going to this wedding are not going to give money though, not sure what they are going to do, possibly give nothing, I don't know.

Opinions, anyone? TIA .

[expatinscotland]

'I know I'll probably be flamed for this, but if you can't afford your honeymoon don't have one. You shouldn't ask you guests to pay for it, or contribute towards it.'

No flames from me! If you can't afford something, don't have it, be it a wedding, a honeymoon, a new car, whatever.

Think it's ridiculous to ask guests for money.

Like I said, just charge admission, it's more honest. Then, too, your guests can see it for what it is: a fee-paying event, and personally, I can think a lot of other things I'd rather pay money to see than some grabby couple getting married.

[ssd]

good post expat, agree 100%

I hate giving money as I can't give loads.
on the other hand I'm a great bargain hunter and will find a gift for the same amount of money given that would be more twice as much IYKWIM

money seems so grabby

[ssd]

a close relative got married last year and we gave £50 as a gift, whick for us is a lot of money (I earn minimum wage, dh on not much more), so for us £50 was a lot. But compared to other money gifts it was pretty insignificant. We recieved a text saying thanks for the money and that was it, I still feel they wanted/expected more (they are a couple of young professionals who would spend £50 in a few minutes). If I had chosen a gift I could have got something personnel and worth more tha £50 which I would have felt would have looked better and not singled us out as the poor relations.

[expatinscotland]

'We recieved a text saying thanks for the money and that was it, I still feel they wanted/expected more'

A text? Sorry, but that is so fecking rude.

I also hate giving money because we are on similar income and cannot afford to give much.

Elderly folks generally find it very rude and distressful, too, as most are on fixed incomes and they can be quite low-income.

[ssd]

yes I felt it was pretty rude and curt, too

I think unless you are on a low income, you would tend to imagine what you'd give as a money gift and then compare what you recieve against that

to a young , two decent incomes couple, I can imagine anything less than £100 would seem paltry

but to me anything more than £20 (what MIL gave us....) would be fine

[ssd]

that post about MIL giving us £20 might contradict everything I've just written, but it was written in the context that she gave dh's sister £1000 when she got married...

[easyoptionwoman]

When we got married two years ago we didn't even mention anything about gifts - it would have seemed presumptuous. We ended up with a mixture of money and gifts and we were grateful for everything (well the coral-coloured towels took a bit of getting used to, but you always need towels!).

Just give what you want. IMO asking for anything whether money, or making a wedding list, is cheeky.

[5DollarShake]

In any other walk of life, asking for money is akin to begging. Why, just because it's a wedding, are people so willing to leave their dignity at the door and do something they'd never dream of doing otherwise?

[giveitago]

In lots of cultures it's perfectly normal to give money. I married an Italian and they give money - the idea is that it covers the cost of the wedding and hopefully at bit more.

We went to one and we called the reception venue to ask what it cost per person and we just gave a bit more. It's not an entry fee - but if someone is showing you a good time and inviting you to their special day and you like them and want to support them - why not give them money to help them cover the cost of this day?

My dm is indian and we always give money at weddings.

The difference between the two is that at Indian weddings everyone can see what you're giving but at Italian ones you put it in an envelope so if you want to be mean none of the other guests will know!

Money is fine for quite a large proportion of the world.

My best mate asked for money for her birthday as she wanted to put it towards a big expensive food processor - good on her.

[JaneS]

giveit - surely if your argument is that money is culturally fine in some places, it should be equally ok to say that in other places, culturally, it's not?!

Btw, the mandatory cost of a wedding in the UK is small - under £200. If you get married in church, it might go up to 350 (this is the amount the Anglican Church asks for; don't know about anywhere else). Yet some people justify asking for money on the basis that a wedding 'must' cost around 10 k. That's just stupid.

[nikos]

We got asked for money for wedding of a close relative and really didn't feel comfortable about it. We did it anyway as they specifically said they didn't want non monetary gifts .But all we got was a thank you as part of a telephone converstion with the bride after the wedding. I wonder if there is a correlation between asking for money and NOT sending thank you notes. Anyone found this?

[Rockbird]

Is this still going on? Blimey...

My cousin is marrying in Oct. She has a list but only mentions it if asked. I asked her would she prefer money as they have just bought their first house and have very few things. She said yes please if that was ok with me. I will pass the info to my parents and brother who will be more than happy to give her what she actually needs rather than what they think she should want. Everyone happy, job done. Anything else is churlish and awkward. Why make the giving of a gift to someone you care about into a big issue? The majority of people give a gift at a wedding, it's odd not to, so why be difficult.

[giveitago]

Yep Kerry I agree with you.

My god - there's nothing like money to get people going - when you give money it's very telling whether you're tight or not.

I think 'depends on the weddding' personally. I'm used to Italian and Indian weddings and I cough up accordingly.

Expat 'No flames from me! If you can't afford something, don't have it, be it a wedding, a honeymoon, a new car, whatever'

So I guess that means kids as well as if people waited until they could afford kids we wouldn't have many at all.

Bloody hell - if they want money - give money and if you're perceived as being tight or not - that's your issu.

A good friend got married recently and I couldn't attend as it was an adult only marriage. They couldn't afford the reception with kids in tow and I had no babysitter. I still ensured that they got a lovely present from their present list.

[swanandduck]

I don't mind giving money as a wedding present but I dislike the increasing habit of couples stating on their invitation that they want cash gifts only. (Cash not Trash) was a way one couple put it .
I think couples need to bear in mind that not all their guests will be comfortably off and some- particularly elderly relatives living on a pension or friends who may have lost their job- might like to buy something thoughtful but inexpensive or purchase something nice in a sale at half price. Asking for cash just embarrasses these guests into forking out far more money than they can afford to and is an extremely thoughtless thing to do, in my view.

[swanandduck]

Doesn't bother me. DHs cousin got married a couple of years ago. They said the amount of money they received in gifts, meant they could pay off the wedding bill and start married life debt free. I think that in its self is a lovely gift. - Posted by Voldemort.


Could I just point out, Voldemort, that you can start married life debt free by not having a big splashy wedding that you can't afford in the first place.

[harassedinherpants]

Dh and I got married last year and we didn't ask for money or have a gift list. If anyone asked us or our parents they said we'd prefer some money, or to buy us a gift.

We got some money, but also lovely gifts. Photo frames, albums and a day out a Vinopolis!!!

Bil & sil asked for money as they were saving for new windows for their house lol.

[HelenaCC]

Slightly separate topic but related. I think that not sending a thank you card regardless of what the gift was is the utter height of rudeness. A text is in no way an acceptable substitute.

I already posted a while ago on this topic to agree that asking for money is rude. I do also feel it is grasping to turn up for a day of expensive food and drink laid on in a lovely venue without a gift in return.

In all honesty I do remember certain people who didnt bother to give us a wedding gift. I remember these people much less favourably than those who gave us a small token. Not giving a gift just smacks of 'not bothered'. An attempt at a cheap vase or bottle of plonk - at least shows they tried to think about you in advance!

[giveitago]

Helena why is asking for money rude.

I'd say why ask for money when you could expect money?

[happilyeverafter]

We didn't have a giftlist, anyone who asked we said we just wanted people to come and have a good time, if they really wanted to bring a gift then a bottle of wine would be lovely,

We ended up with an embarrassing amount of money, a lot of vouchers, a few wine and a dozen bottles of champagne. Plus the obligatory frames and wineglasses.

I think it's very bad form to ask for money, I would give it because I wanted to and not because I had been prompted.

[swanandduck]

If someone invited you to a Christening or a birthday party and stipulated that they wanted cash gifts, would you find that acceptable or rude, giveitago?

[RonansMummy]

I'm sure if she gives them a gift they won't throw it back in her face asking for the cash. Its a fact they will have to accept that not everyone is comfortable giving money!

She could buy a lovely photo frame for them to put a wedding photo in. You can't have too many photo frames!

[giveitago]

Swand - The 'christenings' I've been to have been cash and that's what's been expected - no idea what I'd buy for a christening gift (is it those silver frames or something). Dunno - my ds not christened.

A birthday - well sometimes it's has been money for my family. One friend wanted cash to put towards a big thing she wanted to buy and I was happy with that.

A friend just gave ds 4 some money for his birthday. I didn't bat an eyelid. Better than a shite present - at least he can get what he wants.

Thinking about it all the cash gift things haven't been with anglo saxon people - maybe that's the thing?

[TheDoodler]

Honestly though - it's not toasters or anything you can ebay that get doubled up these days. It's spa treatments, scented candles and those sticks you put in smelly jars that make the room smell of chemicals - oh and travel toiletries in a decorative bag.

i say - give them the money...

[expatinscotland]

No one needs a big, splashy wedding, giveit.

I usually give money as a gift.

But if it's demanded by me, I usually decline the invitation entirely because in this culture and IMO it is rude and grabby.

It assumes: a) a gift is required b) the host has the right to dictate the terms of a gift, which means it is then not a gift but a demand.

That's rude.