....to not want to give money as a wedding gift?

[LucyLouLou]

Asking on behalf of my sister, I'm wondering what you guys would do?

She has been invited to a wedding at the beginning of next year and the couple are asking for money instead of presents. My sister is not keen on doing this and would prefer something more personal. I gather she is not alone in this, I have heard others say this as well. One of the other guests thinks it's like buying a ticket for the wedding. My sister will comply with the request, but she (and I quote) thinks it's "tacky". I personally like buying gifts from a wedding list, but I get that these days, most couples don't need things like kettles and toasters as they have lived together for some time before getting married. Some people going to this wedding are not going to give money though, not sure what they are going to do, possibly give nothing, I don't know.

Opinions, anyone? TIA .

[Harryan]

Yes I second that Rockbird.

I have learnt my lesson well, This is why i am more than happy to give DH's boss money as they wish. I know it's what they want and they will fully apprecitate it, and the honeymoon it will pay for.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I think the point is (for all those who whine about how wrong it is to have any kind of list at all) that the giving and getting of presents at a wedding is normal and expected by guests as much as by the couple. And there are certainly several cultures where the giving of money is just as deeply traditional as the giving of toasters is to the averae Brit of a certain age. So really, the only sensible way to do it is to say (if you have fully equipped houses) that people don't hav to get you anything but if they want to, here's what you would like in terms of vouchers.
(If i were to get married, which I'm not going to, I know that I would say to guests - we don;'t need presents but a bottle of booze never comes amiss if you really feel you ought to.)

[ChippingIn]

It's a nightmare & whatever you do, someone will whinge or be offended

If you don't want to do what is in the invite - then do what you want, it's a request, not an instruction.

If there's nothing in the invite - feel free to call the bride and ask - it's 2010, you don't need to call her Mother/Bestfriend/Therapist.

Starlight that is one of the best 'wedding Lists' I've seen in a long time - it's much nicer to buy a 'Holidays worth of Ice Cream' or a 'Bottle of Champagpe' or something, rather than just bung money into a 'Honeymoon Fund' - I know it's the same thing - it just feels different!

[HelenaCC]

I think asking for money is crass. Im aware that a lot of people, especially older people, also find a gift list tacky. I think gift lists are at least socially acceptable and I personally like the hassle taken out of what to choose. Vouchers for specific purpose (JL, thomas cook etc) also soften the blow. I went to a wedding where the couple were emirgrating so could legitimately ask for money. It did not feel good putting £50 in an envelope. It didnt seem worth spending more as I didnt have a clear idea what it was being spent on. The couple in question werent even hard up so its all a drop in the ocean to them... Anyway it was just before I sent my own wedding invites out and as a result I decided to put together a gift list instead of asking for JL vouchers like Id originally intended. Im glad I did as I still remember what different people got me and I also spent money/vouchers on specific items and sent people a note to let them know.

I do think it best to comply rather than try and buy a present. IMO its not very nice to NOT buy presents, unless the couple are adamant eg 'no gifts, please give to charity' etc

[YellowDaffodil]

I prefer to give money - I don't see the difference between that and a wedding list tbh.

I do remember a friend telling me they had their second choice dinner service on the wedding list because the one she really wanted was in a tiny one of a kind place and the wedding list was at John Lewis.

I would rather give cash that people can use to buy whatever they want than contribute to an item on a wedding list that maybe the B & G just put on there for the sake of it. If that friend had asked for money she would have got the dinner set she really wanted.

As an aside apparently the honeymoon vouchers thing is a bit of a con and the 'trips' etc that guests fund are often cheaper if you buy them whilst on the honeymoon and the honeymoon itself is usually cheaper if you pay cash. If this is true then I would rather give money and it go further.

[LucyLouLou]

I can understand preferring to give money, but simply asking for it seems tacky tbh. And I still can't get on board with the buying your own meal idea, again I don't mean to offend, but this makes me cringe with embarrassment. Still not sure how much my sister is going to give lol.

[JaneS]

Asking for money is really, really crass and nasty. But I have usually (grudgingly) given it when it's been family asking - don't want a rift.

FWIW, we didn't ask for anything at all and people have been buying us lovely generous things - some asked what we'd like, some were surprises- and I have a pretty strong suspicion that lots of those people felt happier buying us something precisely because we didn't make them feel that we wanted to make money out of them.

[BootyMum]

My husband and I got married in Australia as my family are all there. We didn't expect anyone to get us gifts, after all we'd already been living together in London for a year. But I put on the invitation that if guests "were thinking of getting us a gift then a monetary gift would be much appreciated" as we didn't really want to have to transport a whole lot of wedding presents back to London! Most of our guests did enclose some money in a card, some others bought us a present online and had it delivered to us in London. Both absolutely lovely and much appreciated. It did feel quite crass to be requesting money but we did do it for a practical reason...

[maighdlin]

money as a gift is a tricky one. loads of people gave us money but we blew it all on our honeymoon.

the thing with money is people are terrified of not giving enough. some of my friends were students/skint and one made me a photo album of me and him, not me and my husband.

my sister got a fantastic gift for her wedding. a voucher for their favourite restaurant and a voucher for the cinema. she said it was so nice to have that wee evening after the wedding was over and it cost about £50.

[forehead]

I dislike it when people ask for money and i also dislike wedding list. What ever happened to just inviting people to a wedding for some tasty food and free booe .
When i got married, i refused to have a gift list much to the annoyance of my mother, who was concerned that i would receive toasters and towels galore. I stuck to my guns and was surprised by the number of people who told me that they disliked wedding lists.

[GeekOfTheWeek]

Just dont put one of those awful poems in the invitations.

[LucyGoose]

Never put a request for money on a wedding invitation. Its uber tacky and rude. Your guests come to your wedding and give you a gift to celebrate your union and start your new life, not to top up your bank account to buy whatever you want to buy (esp a house!).

[Karstan]

I hate the idea that the wedding gifts/money are some sort of way of recouping the cost of the wedding.

If you want a big wedding have one, but accept that the cost is the cost and judge whether you can afford it. Don't try and extract money from friends and relatives to cover those costs.

I've always taken the "presence not presents" at face value and I've not been disowned yet

[Shaz10]

We had a small wedding so there was no list. People still asked though, so we said M&S vouchers. At the time we were totally skint (I was studying) so we ended up spending them on food

[diddl]

Why do people find lists offensive?

We didn´t live together so needed everything.

We had a list, but didn´t send it with the invitations & people didn´t have to buy from it.

Only if people asked if there was one we told them that there was.

[scubagoose]

a friend of mine is going to a wedding this year and with teh invite they were sent a brown parcel tag.. and asked if they want to give a gift then a bottle of wine that means something to you would be lovely.. I thought that was a great idea.

having said that friends of ours got married just before the emigrated.. it was cash present because there would be no point buying things to then have to ship.. it is a tough one though. I think if you want weddign money towards furniture then ask for John Lewis or M&S vouchers or something instead.. a lot of people dont like just giving cash.

[Loie159]

i hate peopel asking for money esp if they arent putting it towards something specific but that is just me..... we went to a wedding on saturday and one of our friends arranged for everyone to give £££ and then we bought them a bottle of champagne via the hotel to be in their room when they arrived on honeymoon. the girl organising it then converted the rest into euros and put it in a card so they could have a nice meal out whilst they were away. Its not my personal preference as I would rather get them something I know they would love / need but I think thats better than just giving cash and a great compromise. My pet hate which I think is WORSE is when they give you their bloody bank account details in the wedding invite!!!!

[Rockbird]

So what you're all saying is that you will get a present as long as it's something you want to give, which isn't necessarily something they need or want to receive. It's not really in the spirit of giving, is it? Presumably most of the weddings you attend are of people you care about and have more than a passing interest in? Why be so difficult?

[mrspear]

Can i just ask what nationality [sp] both bride and groom are?

Only my Albanian DH does not understand the British obession with presents (or cards for that matter) - at their weddings they tuck money into the brides dress as she and the groom dance. Any money that lands on the floor goes to the singer / dj!

[tyler80]

No Rockbird, I prefer to give no presents at all.

[forehead]

Rockbird, i don't mind giving money as presents, in fact i usually do. I just dislike being ASKED to give money.

[fluffles]

we have asked for ethical travel vouchers so we can go travelling next year.

i am trusting (perhaps naively) that as we are only inviting close family and friends that they know us, know we are joining two households into one, do not need anything for the house (indeed have two of most things already) and that we would love a trip and we love to travel and that we'll remember the kindness of our guests forever if they contribute to a trip of a lifetime.

and if they secretly bitch about it and don't really like us and are ony pretending to be our friends then that's their choice.

[muffint]

We asked for vouchers for a department store, so that we could buy desperately needed furniture. We really appreciated that people did not seem to mind and we now have a few lifelong pieces that have made our home. A lot of small electrical items, towels etc just don't last beyond a few years and tbh they were things we could have afforded. There were a couple of people who bought presents because they didn't agree with it - these were lovely too but tbh duplicated things we already had. I think it's reasonable in this day and age but should be suggested sublety - perhaps saying what they'd like to save for e.g. dining suite. If you don't agree with it, you don't have to. But I think a wedding is about making the couple's day as special as possible. For a true friend, my personal views wouldn't come into it.

[princesspuds]

I am getting married in 2012 and am planning to ask for cash donations as I have a 6 year old daughter who is disabled and we would rather that people give a small contribution to an all terrain wheelchair so she can go on the beach which she can't do at the moment, it will enrich her life as she loves going to the sea but using a ordinary wheelchair is a nightmare.

If there is any money left over from this we will be ensuring that it goes to my dd's school as they are raising funds for a hydrotherapy pool which means that other SN children will benefit too.

Most people know of our wishes already and are happy to do this.