....to not want to give money as a wedding gift?

[LucyLouLou]

Asking on behalf of my sister, I'm wondering what you guys would do?

She has been invited to a wedding at the beginning of next year and the couple are asking for money instead of presents. My sister is not keen on doing this and would prefer something more personal. I gather she is not alone in this, I have heard others say this as well. One of the other guests thinks it's like buying a ticket for the wedding. My sister will comply with the request, but she (and I quote) thinks it's "tacky". I personally like buying gifts from a wedding list, but I get that these days, most couples don't need things like kettles and toasters as they have lived together for some time before getting married. Some people going to this wedding are not going to give money though, not sure what they are going to do, possibly give nothing, I don't know.

Opinions, anyone? TIA .

[Minxie1977]

We had a list at Debenhams- we put a note in the invitation which said something like, if you'd like to get us a gift we have a list at Debenhams and top of the list was contributions to a bed (same as cash really) Personally I don't think that's rude - most of the time I have no idea what to get people and I hate shopping - for me lists are a bonus

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Unless a really close friend or relative, we tend to decline invites asking for cash. Its truly tacky and grasping - why not just charge an entry fee or here's a novel idea - pay for your own honeymoon. I dont mind a discreet wedding list only available upon request.

Marriage is supposed to be about the joining of two people not a money making event.

[SqueezyB]

I don't like it but it seems to be the done thing these days and I guess at least it gets you out of having to go out and buy a present

The first couple of weddings we went to that asked for cash I did ignore it and get a gift anyway, but these days I give up and just get the chequebook out. Agree it's a bit tacky but I guess it's practical.

When we got married we didn't have a wedding list or even mention gifts in the invite. We ended up with a random assortment of vases, a few really thoughtful presents, but mainly cash or vouchers anyway!

[Onetoomanycornettos]

I find all this gift giving immensely grasping. The whole point of a wedding is to share your happiness with your closest family and friends, not to come out quids in. I had a very small wedding, and no presents were expected or asked for, one friend bought my wedding shoes (knowing I was hard up!), another took photos and had them developed on the day so we could all share them, and the best man/lady paid for our tickets to visit them abroad for a mini-honeymoon (on a coach!). My mum had a special picture made. That was it.

I only give gifts at weddings because I feel obliged to now, because they are not really needed by the couple or much appreciated. Going to the wedding, travel, hotels and buying an outfit cost in the hundreds, why expect more from your guests?

[Besom]

I have absolutely no problem with giving people money or vouchers or whatever. I'd rather they can get something they need and then my money won't go to waste.

[spiritmum]

Haven't read the whole of the thread, but I think it depends on the couple who are marrying. If you know that they are just starting out then cash seems reasonable, as indeed does vouchers (John Lewis would be my choice.)

But friends of ours got invited to a wedding which asked for money with a list of what the money would enable them to enjoy. For example, £10 would pay for cocktails for two on their honeymoon. It was like a hideous parody of those Oxfam Good Gifts leaflets.

[spiritmum]

Our wedding list of almost twenty years ago was a spiral pad. I'd cut out pictures of stuff I liked and the pad got passed around with pages getting torn out as someone bought something. We'd only been living together for a few months so pretty much needed everything. Unfortunately my taste as a 20 yr old was pretty horrific and I don't think I have anything now except the dinner service (Dinner service! How old am I?)

The things that I've kept are the decorated wooden spoon hand-made by my great-aunt (who now has dementia) and the little wedding-themed bits that people gave - except the Forever Friends bears, obviously.

[LucyLouLou]

Only clicked on this because my thread had been suddenly brought to life again! Urbanmum22, consider yourself reported to HQ for promoting your own crap.

[paisleyleaf]

Those firepits are rubbish

[VoldemortsNipple]

Doesn't bother me. DHs cousin got married a couple of years ago. They said the amount of money they received in gifts, meant they could pay off the wedding bill and start married life debt free. I think that in its self is a lovely gift.

What I wouldn't like, is being dictated to.

[atah]

My cousin is getting marrried and has asked for money - I don't have problem with it but have no idea how much to give (we are quite close).
please tell me how much you would give.

[lorelilee]

Let's get this straight - if you are invited to a wedding, it is an honour and a privilege and usually (unless you are a maiden aunt or the like) because the couple (or, at least, one them, have a lot in common with you). Thus, I can't understand why a) people get so offended if asked for cash - there's probably a good reason for it and they are your friends, they are not going to judge based on the amount and b) said 'friends' get all 'me' about it and want to get something 'different' which is ultimately all about THEIR taste, not that of the B&G.

[LucyLouLou]

I don't think being invited to a wedding is an honour and a privilige tbh. I think it's nice but I certainly would not go that far! Out of curiousity lorelilee, are you married? And if so, what did you ask for by way of presents? I just find most people who defend the asking for money are the ones who have or would ask for it themselves.

[expatinscotland]

Tacky, grabby and gauche. Yes, it's the done thing in other cultures, but we're not in other cultures, we're in this one.

I usually decline invites like this.

I give money, too, when it's not demanded of me.

[GeekOfTheWeek]

I give money too when not asked.

I think it's worse when the request is with the invitation especially in the form of a 'quirky' poem.

[expatinscotland]

Those are just dire, Geek. Instant reject. I have fun throwing those in the bin.

Just charge admission and be done with it. I'd rather go buy tickets for a good gig instead.

[horatia]

YANBU

[cereza]

I don't like asking for money or for gifts from a list. We ended up having to set up a wedding list because my family and friends in Spain were baffled at not having one, but we did not push it. We got some gifts from the list and others totally unexpected. We also got money from friends in Spain (they do this a lot), but i wouldn't dream of asking for it. I don't like the way some weddings are organised so that guests pay for the whole affair. You end up feeling you are not invited to a wedding, rather you are helping financing it. Not nice.

[gtamom]

I'm not a fan of wedding lists, or asking for anything. People used to call the mother or maid of honour, and they would know the bride and grooms colours and styles in their home, and let them know where they registered at, if they were registered.
My friend told me her daughter wanted to use any wedding gift money she received towards a good vacuum cleaner, but that was because I asked her, not because she asked me!

[gtamom]

OP, I would give money in your sisters situation, and would give what was within my means. Even small amounts add up, and if they asked for money I am sure they will appreciate any amount.
Always tempted to give a Miss Manners book!

[tweetymum]

... or alternatively you could just have a wedding with a line on the invite that says

'Your presence is our best present'

Worked well for me and DSis both!

[IfGraceAsks]

Oh, I love this topic; it always gets a lively response! I had a short list of specific things from John Lewis - we already had the basics, this was for better stuff. We said we didn't expect a gift (which was a small lie!) but, for those who find it helpful, here's the John Lewis reference and we'd also appreciate Argos vouchers. We got about 60% of the John Lewis items, an extremely useful wad of vouchers and half a dozen "personal choices" for the cupboard under the stairs

I would rather give a voucher, for whatever I can manage, than a possibly unwanted gift. I do loathe lists of exclusively expensive things, but have only been to two weddings like that.
Asking for money isn't like selling tickets ... unless they've actually set a fixed amount!

[BertieBasset]

We had a charity gift list as we had lived seperately in our own places and then together so didn't need anything for the house.

I think it's totally different if it's your first place and you need things for it. Then I think either a gift list or vouchers is fine.

If you don't need anything then I don't think you should ask for anything! I know I'll probably be flamed for this, but if you can't afford your honeymoon don't have one. You shouldn't ask you guests to pay for it, or contribute towards it.

I'm really against asking for cash. How is it different to having a birthday party and asking people to give you money? I don't see why a wedding should be any different.

I think I may have become a grumpy old woman without realising it.