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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say we're boycotting the funeral

120 replies

GerbilMeasles · 02/08/2010 20:18

Not happening yet, sadly, but when it does, would I be unreasonable to say I'm not going to attend, and neither are DCs.

It's FIL's funeral. He's not planning to die yet but he's had his funeral planned out for a while. Has a big book and writes all his plans down in it. Written his own eulogy, chosen the songs, blah, blah. He abandoned DH and DSIL when they were young, made it clear to them for the last 40 years that they're second class citizens and that his stepchildren came first for him (neither set of children lived with him and his 2nd wife - DH and DSIL stayed with their mother, stepkids with their father).

Anyway, 2nd wife died last year, and since then he's been constantly asking DH and DSIS to go visit him - he's not in the best of health and so now he wants them to look after him (he lives in Sarf London, we live in North Yorkshire, so it's not just nipping round the corner). DSIL went to see him last week, and he told her he'd changed his funeral plans because he didn't want either of his children or his grandchildren speaking at the funeral. His stepchildren and their children are all speaking.

So, would I be unreasonable to say that if that's his attitude, I'm not willing to go to the funeral at all. DH very upset, as is DSIS, DC's not arsed at all - FIL's only ever met them half a dozen times, through his own choice.

Don't see why I should shlep 200 odd miles as and when the old git croaks his last, to hear the tart's spawn reading out speeches about what a wonderful man he was, when from our POV he's just been a manipulative cunting fucktard.

AIBU?

OP posts:

trainsetter · 02/08/2010 20:19

Yes.

mitochondria · 02/08/2010 20:20

He won't know if you're there or not, will he?

StewieGriffinsMom · 02/08/2010 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DryYourEyesMate · 02/08/2010 20:22

"tarts spawn"

smittenkitten · 02/08/2010 20:22

of course not. if you don't want to celebrate his life or have closure, don't go. it's not like he's going to know!

AnyFucker · 02/08/2010 20:22

YANBU to not attend

But I really think you should not be buying into his ridiculous planning, scheming and dramatics

Stay schtum and attend/don't attend until the event is a reality, as you see fit

Dinkytinky · 02/08/2010 20:22

Same as mito I'm afraid....

squeaver · 02/08/2010 20:23

Maybe your dh would like to have a relationship with his step-siblings? Do you know them? (in fact do you know them well enough to describe them as "tart's spawn"?)

Maybe some good can come out of what sounds like a horrible situation for your dh.

ChequeredFlag · 02/08/2010 20:24

If you want him to know you feel like this, you better tell him before the funeral. Whether you decide to go or not won't really make much difference surely?

PinkyMe · 02/08/2010 20:29

As he won't know if you go or not, I'm guessing you intend to tell him how you feel before he dies. Personally, if he is that bad, I'd just not have anything to do with him. Your post makes him sound like he feeds off drama, so don't give him the satisfaction of biting.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/08/2010 20:29

It's only effective if you tell him now. "we won't be coming to your funeral."

He'll neither know nor care on the day.

Just out of interest, why are you bothering with him at all? He sounds awful, and it doesn't sound like he even loves or cares about you, so why don't you just cut him out of your lives?

LucyLouLou · 02/08/2010 20:31

YANBU, not at all. But are you sure your DH won't regret not attending? You need to look at this more than just emotionally. A branch of my family are in almost exactly the same position. Two of my cousins have a shit father who severely favours the step children. Don't know what his funeral plans are, but I'd wager a bet that they're similar to your FIL's. Every bone in my body screams at me to tell my cousins to boycott anything to do with their useless asshole of a father, including his funeral, but I worry they might regret it. It might be better to grit your teeth and attend just so you and DH don't have that kind of stinging regret. Not saying you ever will feel regret, but YKWIM!

If it's important to DH to go (couldn't tell from your post if it is or not?) then he could go on his own, but he may appreciate your support. If this is the case, unless there is an overriding reason as to why you hate your FIL (as in a reason independant of the way he has treated your DH), you may have to grit your teeth and hold DH's hand through the service.

In principal though, I agree wholeheartedly with you, you shouldn't have to travel all that way for such an awful man. But principles aren't everything when it comes to family matters, as we all know....

ShellingPeas · 02/08/2010 20:31

Don't go. He will be dead and not care. Tell him now though as he sounds a complete fucktard.

LadyintheRadiator · 02/08/2010 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redglen · 02/08/2010 20:34

It's your DH's father so really it's his call - you're role should be to support him in whatever his choice is. He may want to go as it's still his father, even if he wasn't a very good one ... or maybe to make sure the old git really has died!

Itsjustafleshwound · 02/08/2010 20:36

He isn't your family in that you are related to him by marriage. Let your DH decide what he wants to do and support him in his decision - it is called 'being there' ... and if it gives your DH 'closure' then so be it and it isn't your place to dictate what he should do re: his family.

Mingg · 02/08/2010 20:44

Agree with itsjust - your DH might need to attend and I am sure he would appreciate you being there for him

wb · 02/08/2010 20:45

Excellent advice.

Original poster

GerbilMeasles · 02/08/2010 20:51

Thanks for all the responses. No, he won't know if we're there or not - and I don't honestly care much one way or the other.

AnyFucker, by saying I wasn't planning to go to funeral to try to distance myself from the whole manipulative planning bit. I don't have any beef about people planning funerals, but I don't like the way he seems to be using it to needle DSIS and DH. If I'm not going, then I don't need to know about it.

Squeaver, DH and DSIS did try to have a relationship with stepsiblings when they were children, but it was made very clear to them (by FIL, SM and SS) that they were barely tolerated, let alone welcomed. So I don't think there's much chance of mending bridges - if this was a possibility, then presumably SS might have thought to point out to FIL that they aren't buying it to this manipulative behaviour?

To those who suggested I tell him how I feel before the funeral - I'm happy to do so if he starts telling me about the funeral plans (and all the other tricks he tries to pull) but I generally try not to involve myself in his power games. Not going to the funeral is (to me) just an extension of that - he can choose to try to wind DH and DSIS up about the funeral, I can choose to do something else instead.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/08/2010 21:04

fairynuff, GM

engaging with him, to me though, would feel like I was colluding with his manipulations IYSWIM

best just to ignore his Machiavellian dramatics, I feel (all the family, that is, not just you)

he is obvioulsy gaining something from it all

RunawayWife · 02/08/2010 21:20

I think you need to tell him now that you wont be going, no fun just to not go when he is dead and wont know if you went or not

Original poster

GerbilMeasles · 02/08/2010 21:25

Well, the consensus here seems to be;

DH - doesn't want to have anything to do with FIL but thinks people will think it's odd if he cuts him out of his life

DS - thinks FIL is being a twat and that everyone should ignore him and his daft games

DD - prepared to go to funeral if there's a decent buffet, interesting people to talk to and music she likes

Gerbil (me, not actual gerbil, he either doesn't have an opinion or can't communicate it in plain English) - happy to be polite and civilised with FIL if he's being a reasonable person, not willing to engage with gameplaying

So, will disengage from contact with FIL - he can do all the planning and unplanning he wants, but nobody else is playing. And if DH and DCs want to be a part of the funeral once he's gone, he's hardly going to rise up out of the coffin and stop them, is he?

OP posts:

prozacfairy · 02/08/2010 21:33

You never know, maybe the "tart's spawn" don't feel the same way he feels about them and don't plan to attend FIL's funeral either. If he's such a fucktard genuine mourners may well be thin on the ground...

My own dad treats me and DSis like 2nd class citizens and blatantly favours my half brother and sister over us but I'm pretty sure we'll be the only ones bothering to pick out a coffin when the old coot cops it. You'd think these old gits would be nicer to us wouldn't you?

Don't go but you really need to tell him so before his big send off or your non-attendance will mean squat. then get on with your lives.

LittleMissHissyFit · 02/08/2010 21:42

let your dh decide what he wants to do, and support him all the way.

If your dh wants to tell his supposed father that if he's not needed for a role in the funeral, and his second family is taking the lead, then he'll decide if he can be bothered to go on the day.

It does sound like this old man is just trying to stir things up a bit, for the drama, and to get the families to fight over him, to make him feel wanted or important or something. Well, imo he should have thought of that a heck of a long time ago.

Don't blame you all for a second for wanting to distance yourselves. But let your dh lead the way.

Chatelaine · 02/08/2010 21:45

I agree with what AnyFucker says. I'll just add that the old man seems to be pushing all your buttons. Assumming he dies before you, do what your DH wants and support him, that's love.

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