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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say we're boycotting the funeral

120 replies

GerbilMeasles · 02/08/2010 20:18

Not happening yet, sadly, but when it does, would I be unreasonable to say I'm not going to attend, and neither are DCs.

It's FIL's funeral. He's not planning to die yet but he's had his funeral planned out for a while. Has a big book and writes all his plans down in it. Written his own eulogy, chosen the songs, blah, blah. He abandoned DH and DSIL when they were young, made it clear to them for the last 40 years that they're second class citizens and that his stepchildren came first for him (neither set of children lived with him and his 2nd wife - DH and DSIL stayed with their mother, stepkids with their father).

Anyway, 2nd wife died last year, and since then he's been constantly asking DH and DSIS to go visit him - he's not in the best of health and so now he wants them to look after him (he lives in Sarf London, we live in North Yorkshire, so it's not just nipping round the corner). DSIL went to see him last week, and he told her he'd changed his funeral plans because he didn't want either of his children or his grandchildren speaking at the funeral. His stepchildren and their children are all speaking.

So, would I be unreasonable to say that if that's his attitude, I'm not willing to go to the funeral at all. DH very upset, as is DSIS, DC's not arsed at all - FIL's only ever met them half a dozen times, through his own choice.

Don't see why I should shlep 200 odd miles as and when the old git croaks his last, to hear the tart's spawn reading out speeches about what a wonderful man he was, when from our POV he's just been a manipulative cunting fucktard.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Ilythia · 03/08/2010 09:20

Sassy, I am so sorry this has upset you.
I think the difference here is we are talking about a toxic parent controlling his children, and I 'know' a number of posters on this thread who have absuive parents (myself included) that we have cut out of our lives for our own sanity.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 03/08/2010 09:28

I am loving the seperate memorial idea! You could have your own book, where you write a eulogy, pick music etc. Then you can proudly get your book out when he starts going on about his. Marvellous!

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 03/08/2010 09:29

Aw, Sassy Sorry.

Magnima · 03/08/2010 09:43

and their

DetectivePotato · 03/08/2010 09:45

YANBU. Its a bit weird that hes gone on about his funeral so much anyway. Does he really have nothing better to do?

My aunt and Dad went to their dads funeral a few years ago. My 'grandad' had 5 children with my nan and 11 grandchildren. I met him twice. He had 2 children with second wife. At his funeral, there wasn't a single mention of his 5 children or grandchildren. It was like we didn't exist at all and only his other 2 sons mattered.

I didn't go, couldn't have given a toss that the evil old bastard had died. No point in going to a funeral for someone that you don't care about IMHO.

SassySusan · 03/08/2010 09:52

Message deleted

AnyFucker · 03/08/2010 09:55

Sassy, I am very sorry to read that your daughter has recently died.

ZZZenAgain · 03/08/2010 09:57

she's angry on behalf of her dh who the FIL seems to enjoy goading and treated badly when he was a dc. I can understand that.

I am sorry to hear about your dd sassy. How awful for you.

carocaro · 03/08/2010 10:09

It's a hard one.

My g'ma died in December, long family history hoo haa, my Dad died 12 years ago.

My vile Uncle called me when she had died to tell me that 'he was in charge of all arrangements and to keep my trap shut especially at the funeral as there would be no readings of any sort'

I was shakingwith anger and upset. My G'ma was hard work, used to tell me I looked fat and tired most times I saw her, she did like her Great Grand Children is seemed! She also could never remember DH's name even after 22 years.

I did not want to go to the funeral. But in the end I did. Why? I did it for my dad and for the times where it was fun and was nice to be with her, mainly when were little.

Just keep quiet and say nothing till he does pop his cloggs and make the right decision for you lot and you lot alone.

Some old people can be such manipulative bastards right until their last breath. Don't get involved in the game.

Magnima · 03/08/2010 11:53

Sorry about your DD sassy.
And point taken.
I do think it might benefit OP's DH and SIL to have a seperate memorial if they don't want to attend FIL's funeral as a way of getting closure.
But it was perhaps a little childish to suggest telling FIL about it.

Rockbird · 03/08/2010 12:35

Sassy you can't compare the two. You are talking about an innocent child, the op is talking about a vile old man who has badly mistreated and neglected his children. Comforting the living and respecting the dead only applies if it's relevant to the people in question and from what the op has written, it doesn't sound like her FIL is deserving of any respect or that there will be many people bothered enough to comfort. And it's not even vaguely similar to making jokes about child abuse or rape.

I've seen your other threads and am sorry it has upset you, but your situation is totally totally different.

Meita · 03/08/2010 13:31

I'm with DetectivePotato here.

My grandparents had 6 children together. From what I have heard, he always treated her terribly. They divorced when the youngest DC was 18 and he married his long-term OW. Had another child with her, who is my age. I grew up in the same small village where my dad had grown up and where his half-brother was growing up, and where my grandmother still lived. I saw my grandfather about 20 times in total and from some point on, my dad stopped talking to my grandfather. This all in the public eye of a small, tight-knit village.

When my grandfather died, I hadn't seen him for about 10 years. But I was called upon to go to the funeral as it's just what you do.

But acknowledging family ties is obviously a one-way thing. Whilst we were all expected to turn up, the eulogy pretended we didn't exist. So the five surviving children of his first marriage (and their families) sat there in the church and had to listen to the priest going on about how he had been a wonderful father to his son, and generally a wonderful man; not a single mention of his first wife or other 6 kids.
At the meal afterwards, my aunt gave a huge sigh of relief and said "So. Now that he's gone, we can all get on with things and stop considering him."

So in hindsight, should I not have gone to the funeral? Or should my dad not have gone?

Well I have to say the funeral did little for me, except make me angry on my dad's behalf. Even in death this man managed to reach out and be hurtful to his first family. The good I gained from this is that now I fully do understand why relations had been so strained and have no doubts about who was to blame. Ergo, no regrets whatsoever about never having a proper relationship with my grandfather, and do not blame my parents at all for keeping this experience from me.
I suspect it did something similar for my dad and his siblings. Their father died, they felt they owed him something (respect or such) - the funeral helped them realise that in fact they owed him nothing and were free to get on with their lives without him. Somehow cathartic, in an unexpected way.

So I would say, wait until the day comes and decide then. Going to the funeral might help your DH (and in extension you) acknowledge that while you have always done your best, there really was no point. Might give you a bit of a moral high ground. But be prepared to deal with the possible hurt/pain of being ignored/disclaimed as not being a part of the deceased's life.

OrmRenewed · 03/08/2010 13:36

It's got nothing to do with you. Let your DH decide. And support him in his choice.

I thought FIl was a waste of space as a father (he left his wife and kids when DH was 4) although admittedly quite a charming intelligent man. But DH was desperate for a relationship with him, and finally when he met his third wife, they managed to build one. I still thought he was selfish, self-serving old fart but DH didn't. End of.

SassySusan · 03/08/2010 13:46

Message deleted

Ilythia · 03/08/2010 13:50

Sassy is quite right actually, either your DH decides whether to go or not go, but disrupting a ceremony for whatever reason is not on.
Some of my siblings remain very close to my father, and I to them, so I wouldn't dream of doing anything to upset them, even if I would not be too upset when my father eventually dies.
Just because someone is a horrible nasty person does not give you the right to upset the family they may have been nice to, howeever unfair that is.

zippy79 · 03/08/2010 14:03

I agree with SassySusan- what a horrible thread. {sad}

proudnsad · 03/08/2010 14:04

WTF?
Mumsnet is losing the plot, what's going on with these posts?
Sassy I couldn't agree more with you and am so very sorry about your daughter.
OP YABU. And I am hiding this thread.

Caoimhe · 03/08/2010 14:07

Er - I think people are making jokes - you know, those funny statements people make? No-one is seriously suggesting anyone turn up at a funeral as a clown, fgs, it's just venting.................

Sassy - this really isn't the thread for you in your sad situation.

SassySusan · 03/08/2010 14:11

Message deleted

pagwatch · 03/08/2010 14:13

My grandfather died and I loathed him. But I attended out of respect for other people in my family who genuinely loved him and to make peace with the fact that he was gone and I could get on with my life without ever having to think about him again.

To be having a hissy fit and plotting childish acts at the funeral just makes you look more pathetic than vengeful. Trying to hold on to a bit of dignity is never a bad decision.

And can anyone who uses 'fucktard' please give some thought to refraining in the future. I don't find retard funny and a derivative isn't any funnier

thumbwitch · 03/08/2010 14:21

No one needs to disrupt the funeral - any mention of such was joking.

But I completely disagree with this near-canonisation of dead people just because they've died. If they were horrible old gits when they were alive, dying does not get rid of that. If you didn't respect them alive, you're not going to remember them with respect and if they didn't deserve respect when alive then they still don't deserve it when they're dead.

OrmRenewed · 03/08/2010 14:30

I don't agree thumbwitch. Death is a significant event. The ending of someone's life. It's always wrong to treat it with levity and disrespect. And there will be people left behind that are distressed and bereaved. Do they not deserve that respect and consideration?

thumbwitch · 03/08/2010 14:35

People left behind deserve to be allowed to grieve in peace, which is why the funeral is not the place to be disruptive (even though it often happens). But I cannot start respecting someone just because they've died.

BaggedandTagged · 03/08/2010 14:38

Don't go if you dont want to but dont make a big deal out of not going. It's just undignified and makes you look bitter.

cyteen · 03/08/2010 14:44

Haven't read whole thread but I can tell you that my grandfather's funeral was not attended by a single person who was distressed or bereaved at his passing. The handful of people who went were just happy to see him go, the evil old shite.

I didn't go, having cut contact with him years before due to his lifelong abusive behaviour. Not attending his funeral was the perfect way of marking the end of his corrupt and toxic life - with complete indifference.

OP, let your DH decide if he wants to go, and stop engaging with anything else around this matter. Rise above the family politics, it all sounds fairly pointless.

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