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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say we're boycotting the funeral

120 replies

GerbilMeasles · 02/08/2010 20:18

Not happening yet, sadly, but when it does, would I be unreasonable to say I'm not going to attend, and neither are DCs.

It's FIL's funeral. He's not planning to die yet but he's had his funeral planned out for a while. Has a big book and writes all his plans down in it. Written his own eulogy, chosen the songs, blah, blah. He abandoned DH and DSIL when they were young, made it clear to them for the last 40 years that they're second class citizens and that his stepchildren came first for him (neither set of children lived with him and his 2nd wife - DH and DSIL stayed with their mother, stepkids with their father).

Anyway, 2nd wife died last year, and since then he's been constantly asking DH and DSIS to go visit him - he's not in the best of health and so now he wants them to look after him (he lives in Sarf London, we live in North Yorkshire, so it's not just nipping round the corner). DSIL went to see him last week, and he told her he'd changed his funeral plans because he didn't want either of his children or his grandchildren speaking at the funeral. His stepchildren and their children are all speaking.

So, would I be unreasonable to say that if that's his attitude, I'm not willing to go to the funeral at all. DH very upset, as is DSIS, DC's not arsed at all - FIL's only ever met them half a dozen times, through his own choice.

Don't see why I should shlep 200 odd miles as and when the old git croaks his last, to hear the tart's spawn reading out speeches about what a wonderful man he was, when from our POV he's just been a manipulative cunting fucktard.

AIBU?

OP posts:

FellatioNelson · 03/08/2010 21:40

necessarily.

Lindax · 03/08/2010 22:07

YouABU to say we're boycotting the funeral

it is your dh's dad so YOU should be saying I will support dh in whatever he decides - not your decisions however put out you feel by the "tarts spawn" .

Don't see why I should shlep 200 odd miles as and when the old git croaks his last - if you dh decides to do this and wants your support you just do it for him, no one else.

to hear the tart's spawn reading out speeches about what a wonderful man he was - maybe he is to the them, they will be grieving so show some respect. It is appropriate for those with the closest relationship (even if that is not blood related) to say something.

finally, from someone who's dh lost his frequently absent/alcoholic/manipulative father after several years of no contact I am glad I did not bad mouth his dad, I let dh make decisions on his relationship and encouraged him to try to keep up contact/have a relationship (however fragile) as when the time came and dh's dad died the loss still hit him hard but he felt a bit better than at least he had tried.

OrmRenewed · 03/08/2010 22:10

OK. Fair enough. I think I got side-tracked by some of the gratuitous nastiness. But it isn't up to the OP to not bother. It's up to her DH.

I have never been to a funeral where I haven't been touched by the simple tragedy of human life - it's brevity and it's poignancy. It seems insulting to respond to this with anything less than respect and compassion. Regardless of the life being commemorated.

SassySusan · 03/08/2010 22:12

Message deleted

Original poster

GerbilMeasles · 03/08/2010 22:38

Sassy, I truly do feel sorry for you, you have been through a dreadful experience. I hope that the pain will pass for you and that in time only the good memories remain.

Perhaps it's time to leave this now?

OP posts:

SassySusan · 03/08/2010 22:51

Message deleted

thumbwitch · 03/08/2010 23:41

Orm - I don't think anyone on this thread seriously suggested that the OP or anyone else show disrespect to the living grieving relatives of the dead, however despised he/she was - and I did not suggest that in my post (nor have I seen where it has been suggested, apart from the joke suggestions?) Have I missed it?

Sassy - you are in a dreadful situation but you are picking a fight, for whatever reason.

wineandroses · 03/08/2010 23:51

As it's DH father, he should choose whether to attend or not (with you supporting his choice) and he won't know until that day comes so not really worth discussing now is it? If you do both attend, try not to worry about who is in charge/delivers readings/is most favoured - the old bastard is dead so all the family politics are no longer relevant. Hopefully you have a good life and a lovely family of your own, this day is just to give your husband some closure on his own family issues.

franklampoon · 04/08/2010 00:18

sassy susan, do not leave. You are one of the few here making sense.

What a nasty, nasty thread. I cannot believe anyone woud want to start a discussion about how they plan to snub someone once they die , and that others would chip in and say "tell him now, on his deathbed"

franklampoon · 04/08/2010 00:20

"tart's spawn"

Shame on you

FellatioNelson · 04/08/2010 08:07

franklampoon then you have obviously been lucky enough to have a happy childhood and loving supportive parents, no abuse, no neglect, no abandonment, no bizarre or damaging head-fuck treatment, and no low-self esteem in adulthood because of any or all of those things. Good for you. But I don't think you can imagine how much anger and bitterness and hurt some people can carry with them throughout their lives when their parents/family fail them.

All these people are saying, is that sometimes the 'damagers' want to gloss over the past and 'make amends' in old age, but it is often about their needs, and not about what they can give back to the person they've damaged. And their selective memories can be somewhat rosier than those of the 'damagee'.

Ilythia · 04/08/2010 08:32

Why is everyone telling sassy to leave the thread? She is right.

AnyFucker · 04/08/2010 10:52

everyone ??, Ilythia ?

Ilythia · 04/08/2010 11:43

Sorry, you are right of course, vast over generalisatin. I blame day 4 of headache. I just remember another thread where sassy was advised it would be better for her to leave, v patronising. Like i say. I blame the head

AnyFucker · 04/08/2010 12:02

aww, sounds horrid, Ily

do you suffer from migraines ?

SomeGuy · 04/08/2010 12:36

My FIL abandoned my wife but she doesn't say 'fuck you forever and forever' and 'vengeance is mine'.

Maybe it's essential for some people, but at least consider whether it might be better to turn the other cheek rather than an automatic chorous of 'now the miserable old fucker will get what he deserves'.

Greensleeves · 04/08/2010 12:46

sassy is right

and I find it really bizarre that some posters are using the fact that she has been bereaved as a means of undermining her perfectly rational and reasonable arguments on this thread, and suggesting she should leave

I think, gerbil, that you want her to leave because she is embarrassing you

Mingg · 04/08/2010 12:54

I second that Greensleeves, Sassy has made perfectly reasonable and rational points.

Sassy, I am so very sorry for your loss.

sorky · 04/08/2010 13:13

He could live for years yet!

Anything could happen in that time!!

Don't give it anymore head space, ignore all talk of his funeral until he is actually dead.
Everyone maybe in a different place emotionally then and if your Dh and SiL decide to contact their Step-siblings then, then so be it. Take it from there.

Ilythia · 04/08/2010 13:31

What greensleeves said

AF, not normally but they run in the family, guess I got unlucky!

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