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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say we're boycotting the funeral

120 replies

GerbilMeasles · 02/08/2010 20:18

Not happening yet, sadly, but when it does, would I be unreasonable to say I'm not going to attend, and neither are DCs.

It's FIL's funeral. He's not planning to die yet but he's had his funeral planned out for a while. Has a big book and writes all his plans down in it. Written his own eulogy, chosen the songs, blah, blah. He abandoned DH and DSIL when they were young, made it clear to them for the last 40 years that they're second class citizens and that his stepchildren came first for him (neither set of children lived with him and his 2nd wife - DH and DSIL stayed with their mother, stepkids with their father).

Anyway, 2nd wife died last year, and since then he's been constantly asking DH and DSIS to go visit him - he's not in the best of health and so now he wants them to look after him (he lives in Sarf London, we live in North Yorkshire, so it's not just nipping round the corner). DSIL went to see him last week, and he told her he'd changed his funeral plans because he didn't want either of his children or his grandchildren speaking at the funeral. His stepchildren and their children are all speaking.

So, would I be unreasonable to say that if that's his attitude, I'm not willing to go to the funeral at all. DH very upset, as is DSIS, DC's not arsed at all - FIL's only ever met them half a dozen times, through his own choice.

Don't see why I should shlep 200 odd miles as and when the old git croaks his last, to hear the tart's spawn reading out speeches about what a wonderful man he was, when from our POV he's just been a manipulative cunting fucktard.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Animation · 02/08/2010 21:49

Think someone needs to tell the silly old sod to BEHAVE or no-one's going to turn up to his funeral.

LucyLouLou · 02/08/2010 21:55

Animation - BANG ON POINT!!!! I'm struggling to see why anyone wants a relationship with him tbh! I still think this individual decision has to be that of DH, but I think FIL is vile and deserves no ones kindness.

Heracles · 02/08/2010 23:35

Only chance you'll get to wee on the coffin. Think of the pictures!

TrinityRhino · 02/08/2010 23:39

'cunting fucktard'

that is some majorly cool swearing

zookeeper · 02/08/2010 23:41

I lost all sympathy on reading "tart's spawn".

ZacharyQuack · 03/08/2010 00:24

Send the gerbil (not you, the small furry one) as your family representative.

Heracles · 03/08/2010 00:26

@zookeeper: Yeah, I've read that. The sequel "Bakewell's Brother" is much more satisfying...

Marjee · 03/08/2010 00:28

He's planned his funeral and written his own eulogy?! Sounds like a pita. As hes not going anywhere anytime soon I would just smile and nod whenever his grand plans come up in conversation. As others have said he won't know if you're not at the funeral, you and your dh can decide what to do when the time comes.

Cunting fucktard - love it!

OnEdge · 03/08/2010 00:31

Well he won't be coming to yours!

pigletmania · 03/08/2010 00:39

I would not go either, he did not care much for your dh and your sil. Why should you waste precious time and petrol going to a funeral of someone who did not give a monkeys arse about his family.

pigletmania · 03/08/2010 00:41

Tell him that you will not be looking after him or going to his funeral as he is a cunt.

Heracles · 03/08/2010 00:43

Go, but dressed in full clown gear and make-up. If you can arrange to arrive in a clown car with hooter and square wheels, all the better...

Rockbird · 03/08/2010 07:51

Heracles

mummytime · 03/08/2010 08:05

A funeral is to provide closure to the living. In reality whatever your FIL plans in his book is a bit of a waste as things may happen very differently when he does go.

He sounds like a very manipulative old man. When he dies, I would suggest your DH either talks to a Vicar/Priest/Minister or a representative from the Humanists, to talk about his feelings and about whether he should go to the funeral or not. They are all very experienced in dealing with grieving people, and your poor DH and DSIL may well have more to deal with than most.

Your role in any funeral is to support your DH.
If it is as awful as you suspect and your DH does go, he may well need you, to support him and get him some perspective. If nothing else at least your FIL will not be able to manipulate anymore then.

diddl · 03/08/2010 08:09

Why can´t the children from his second wife look after him?

Why doesn´t your husband stop seeing him if he wants to-doesn´t matter what people think, does it?

He has chosen his 2nd family-leave him to it!

I agree to support your husband though.

FellatioNelson · 03/08/2010 08:11

Had to sit through a similar thing read by my step-sister at my own estranged father's funeral recently. Had to listen to her talk about how great life was with Daddy when she was little, how she was a Daddy's girl and how wonderful and fantastic he was. This is the woman who is the same age as me, and he left us to go and live with her mother when I was five. I have NO memories of what it is like to be a Daddy's girl, because he was too busy having a lovely with her, clearly.

So no, OP, YANBU.

sanielle · 03/08/2010 08:29

I'd probably notplay in to his like this.. Just quietly explain that you won't be available for his funeral.. As you plan on going on holdiay the day he dies. Whenever that may be.

Then I would probably show up to make sure he is dead. But I'm hateful like that.

Kathyjelly · 03/08/2010 08:36

Ignoring all the history, I think you go to a funeral if you want to pay your respects to the deceased and his immediate family.

As you clearly don't have any respect for him, don't go. Likewise, his grandchildren. He's little more than a stranger to them so they aren't bothered. As for your DH and DSIL, it is up to them individually to decide how they feel.

But getting all bitter about it doesn't help you or anyone else. And anyway, he's still alive so it's not an issue yet.

thumbwitch · 03/08/2010 08:37

I'd leave it up to DH when the time comes. He might be adamant that he doesn't want to go but when it comes to it, change his mind.

But - you don't have to go to the service to listen to all the shite that the steps are going to spout - you can just go to watch the old git buried, to make sure he's in the ground. Chuck a clove of garlic in so he can't come out later...

FellatioNelson · 03/08/2010 08:41

I went to my Dad's, but I didn't bother taking my DH or my children. He hardly knew them. TBH I only went so I didn't piss off all my cousins and aunties, who thought he was wonderful.

Magnima · 03/08/2010 08:50

Plan a separate memorial service for him and tell him all about it and what you will all do and say at it. That way your DH and SIL get to say goodbye they're way and it's one in the one for him!

Magnima · 03/08/2010 08:57

one in the eye.

Ilythia · 03/08/2010 08:59

If I were your DH then I would cut him out now. I haven't spoken to my father in years and am so much happier for it.
I was summoned to his bedside where he was dying of leukemia and responded that he could hurry up and die imo. 5 years later he's still fine

I hate all this 'oh he's your father' crap, if you have lovely parents then you Just Don't Get It (and are a lucky fecker)

SassySusan · 03/08/2010 09:08

Message deleted

ZZZenAgain · 03/08/2010 09:17

I wouldn't consider him a father tbh unless he has some redeeming graces not mentioned on this thread

For me he would just be a horrible old man who is unkind to my dh and I would decide accordingly. As to dh I suppose do the gallic shrug and the eye roll and "here we go again, eh?". I don't know try and take the edge out of it for him if you can. Go or not go on the day, tbh I don't think it is important for you to go.

I don't understand him, why does he treat dh like a second class citizen? Being old and being a father doesn't give you carte blanche to act like a creep in my book