to say we're boycotting the funeral

[GerbilMeasles]

Not happening yet, sadly, but when it does, would I be unreasonable to say I'm not going to attend, and neither are DCs.

It's FIL's funeral. He's not planning to die yet but he's had his funeral planned out for a while. Has a big book and writes all his plans down in it. Written his own eulogy, chosen the songs, blah, blah. He abandoned DH and DSIL when they were young, made it clear to them for the last 40 years that they're second class citizens and that his stepchildren came first for him (neither set of children lived with him and his 2nd wife - DH and DSIL stayed with their mother, stepkids with their father).

Anyway, 2nd wife died last year, and since then he's been constantly asking DH and DSIS to go visit him - he's not in the best of health and so now he wants them to look after him (he lives in Sarf London, we live in North Yorkshire, so it's not just nipping round the corner). DSIL went to see him last week, and he told her he'd changed his funeral plans because he didn't want either of his children or his grandchildren speaking at the funeral. His stepchildren and their children are all speaking.

So, would I be unreasonable to say that if that's his attitude, I'm not willing to go to the funeral at all. DH very upset, as is DSIS, DC's not arsed at all - FIL's only ever met them half a dozen times, through his own choice.

Don't see why I should shlep 200 odd miles as and when the old git croaks his last, to hear the tart's spawn reading out speeches about what a wonderful man he was, when from our POV he's just been a manipulative cunting fucktard.

AIBU?

Now Orm and thumbwitch I agree with both of you actually. The near canonisation is a load of rubbish, I can name a few people who will be happy when my violent abusive, nasty father is dead. I am more than happy to be disrespectful to someone who did not respect me once in my life HOWEVER this is different to giving respect and consideration to the living, as I have said I have family who do still love my father, and would never upset them intentionally, hence the fact that I would never go to his funeral as I would not be able to show respect/deference.

The 2 disrespect for the dead but respect for the living, are not mutually exclusive imo.

Right, hang on. Where have I suggested anywhere that I was planning to disrupt the funeral, piss on his grave, upset his family?

My intention (and I've now done it, so if I'm BU I'll just have to live with it) was/is to tell DH that he doesn't have to engage with this constant rehearsing of who is/isn't going to be "recognised" as family at the funeral and that if he doesn't want to go, then he doesn't have to. If DH wants to go, then I'll go as well - not to show respect to FIL, because if he doesn't deserve it when he's alive there's no reason for him to demand it after he's died. If I go, I'll conduct myself in a dignified manner, because there may well be people there who did care for him and who don't deserve to have their grief mocked or made light of.

I'm not planning to tell FIL that we're not planning to attend the funeral unless he asks. I'm not planning to turn up in a clown suit. I'm not planning to engage in any way with his childish games. All I want to do is to make it clear to DH that he doesn't have to engage with this either, and that no-one would blame him if he didn't want to carry on any sort of relationship with his father.

Sassy, I'm sorry that you've lost your daughter. However, it doesn't excuse your insulting my daughter. I know AIBU warns that you'll get bricks thrown at you, and I'm big enough and ugly enough to cope with that. Suggesting that someone should piss on my daughter's grave is some way beyond reasonable. You should be ashamed.

gerbil, I am pretty sure that those comments were not aimed at you but at the other posters who suggested things of that ilk.

Ilythia, I'm pretty sure they were. To quote

"I think if your FIL dies, and you, your DH and your DD and DS are all still alive, then you should just be grateful for that, and behave with some decorum and respect for the dead and those who mourn them.

How would you feel if you had your bury your daughter next week, and your FIL (or others) wanted to engage in a stupid argument over whether they would attend your daughter's funeral or not.

How would you feel if school friends who didn't like her much wanted to indugle in jokes about weeing on her coffin? Certainly, reading her comments on her grandfather's death, she doesn't sound very charming."

Since no-one else here seems to have discussed their daughter, I can only assume that those remarks were aimed at me - or rather, at my daughter. Which is, I repeat, not on.

Ex and I went to a much hated Aunt's funeral. Mostly to make sure she was actually gone, she was a vile, vicious, spiteful old bat who liked nothing more than to stir up trouble.

It was actually hilarious sitting at the back listening to all the grasping 'friends' she had eulogising about how wonderful she had been, what a support and great friend she was, not knowing what she had said about them all behind their backs to each other lol. Ex actually whispered to me that he wasn't sure we were at the right funeral.

Just another way of looking at it, you might find if you go you actually enjoy yourselves - we did

Sassy's dd died recently. I think she may have been talking to everyone in a general manner in fury that anyone thinks disrupting a funeral is an appropriate thing to do.
but anyway, I didn't. And it is AIBU, the warning is there for a reason.

But it is also your DH's decision, so imo YABU to say anything, it's not up to you.

sassy is talking about her own DD. Don't be oversensitive - let's face it you are talking about how best to show your lack of respect for a man when he has died

"when the old git croaks his last, to hear the tart's spawn reading out speeches about what a wonderful man he was, when from our POV he's just been a manipulative cunting fucktard."

Nice.

Death is the great leveller. It demands respect because it is such a truly awful (in the real sense of the word), terrifying prospect. It should stop all quarrels, erase all feuds - to continue to show resentment is childish and ugly. Sorry.

Why revenge on a dead man?

What really upsets me is my gran's funeral. She had been a distant and distnctly cool mother to my dad - lived in Africa for most of my dad's childhood. A difficult woman at the best of times. A very disturbed and unpleasant old woman when she was suffering from dementia. There weren't many people who had a lot of positive things to say about her.

But my dad was heartbroken when she died and wept buckets at her funeral. The simple idea that people who disliked her would take that opportunity to show their dislike at my fathers' expense would have made me spit blood. Unneccessary and cruel

?? Who?

OP, I think sassy was referring to the experiences she could have possibly endured around the time of her own daughter's death

am a bit connfused, but would give her the benefit of the doubt, tbh

Exactly Spacehopper every cloud silver lining yadda yadda

here is samamntha stobbart

It makes no odds though. Death is hugely significant and should be treated as such. If you can't show respect whatever your motivation, stay away.

Oh well spacehopper, I think I can live without your approval.

Orm death can be hugely significant in lots of different ways for different people. For some it is nothing more than a release from incredibly unpleasant relatives and there should be no guilt at feeling that way.

Orm, I believe the OP is proposing to stay away?

As someone said earlier it's some of the other posters that have been most offensive. Although her closing paragraph was fairly unpleasant.

The most important thing in life is compassion, and that includes compassion to the bereaved. No-one is perfect. OPs FIL might have been a crap father to her DH but that doesn't mean that the 'tart's spawn' shouldn't feel grief at his death.

Yes but is the tart's spawn going to feel any worse just because someone who she barely knows, and who didn't really figure in her, or her father's life, neglects to turn up? I doubt it. This isn't necesarrily about making a protest - it's just about bothering - or not bothering.