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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that although we may be lucky, it hasn't all been down to just luck

183 replies

Litchick · 29/07/2010 17:07

Have a friend staying at the moment and she has told DC that our very comfortable existence is all a matter of luck.
Luck that we were born in the west. Luck to be clever. Luck to have reasonable parents etc.

I know she's right, and yet I want to impress upon DC that it hasn't been like winning the lottery. We have had to work our arses off and still do.

AIBU, or should I just leave it that indeed we are incredibly lucky?

OP posts:
activate · 29/07/2010 17:08

sometimes working hard makes it own luck

they need to know its not luck if yu ask me

scurryfunge · 29/07/2010 17:09

Is your friend giving her child the message that it is ok not to make an effort do you think? Poor attitude if that is the case.

You make your own luck to a certain degree and it has a lot to do with seizing opportunities.

Filibear · 29/07/2010 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TrillianAstra · 29/07/2010 17:10

Those things are all luck, but even with that amount of luck plenty of people do not havesuch a comfortable existence, thorugh other factors of which some are down to luck and some are within your control.

OrmRenewed · 29/07/2010 17:10

Well most of us in this country are lucky. Of course you've had to work hard but there are parts of the world where could work a lot harder and get nowhere. And let's fact it there are lots of people in the UK without those advantages.

Nothing wrong with impressing upon your DC that you worked hard to get where you are, but likewise acknowledging that we all have a debt to those who haven't managed it is also important.

RubberDuck · 29/07/2010 17:12

It's both.

It's pure luck the starting hand you get. She's right that we're very privileged to live in the West and that we had a good start in life.

But it's what you do with that hand that counts. You still have choices that can improve or reduce your lot in life.

Original poster
Litchick · 29/07/2010 17:12

Friend doesn't have children of her own.
She works around the world in some of the worst places - so I can see why she considers the luck of where one is born as defining.

I agree with her on that.

But yes, I don't want DC thinking in a fatalistic manner.
Effort=reward has always been one of my mnatras.

But I wonder if one of the reasons I'm so keen to impress DH and my effort is pride on my part

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 29/07/2010 17:13

You could even work just as hard or harder in this country and not get anywhere.

Important IMO to recognise the combinaton of luck and hard work that gets you places. If you put it all down to hard work it's very insulting to the people woh have tried and failed through no fault of their own.

hobbgoblin · 29/07/2010 17:14

When friend has gone I'd ask the DC what they think of her views and have a family discussion about it. Could be interesting and informative for all.

My personal feeling is that you can work extremely hard and still have nothing due to misfortune or lack of lucky opportunities. Equally, you can have all the luck in the world but make little good use of it through lazy fecklessness or stupidity, etc.

OrmRenewed · 29/07/2010 17:15

"But I wonder if one of the reasons I'm so keen to impress DH and my effort is pride on my part "

probably and I don't blame you! I look at the (modest) things we've acheived and feel quite proud. I would only find that a problem if it lead to looking down on those that fail to acheive and assuming that they are lazy.

MumInBeds · 29/07/2010 17:16

I think you are both right. I do try to impress upon my DCs that were are very fortunate to have been born in a place and situation where hard work brings rewards.

TrillianAstra · 29/07/2010 17:19

Orm I think you just said what I wanted to say but better

Original poster
Litchick · 29/07/2010 17:19

I know DC probably do have a simplistic view of life.
They think if only you work hard enough at something then you will get it.
In their young lives, that's probably been true.

Introducing the hard and hrash fact of life that for many ( maybe them included ) that won't be true, is perhaps overdue.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 29/07/2010 17:28

I'm a big fan of kids being taught about hard work. I never was.

I was taught to follow my dreams, do what interested me, etc etc. Result is that myself and two siblings - though happy and doing fine - have uninspiring careers that have totally failed to utilise our abilities (imo).

I'm just not driven. I wish I was - I look at DP who has worked his arse off to get where he is and I'm so proud of him. It's too late for me - I did 'ok' at school and uni but I could have done so much better had I been pushed a bit. Now I'm in an easy enough job that pays the bills and have no further ambition really.

I'm an adult now so take full responsibility for my own lack of drive, but my childhood had a lot to do with it. One of my best friends is an accountant, earns a bloody fortune. I didn't even know such jobs existed really - just that you were meant to 'study what you enjoyed'.

Which I now think is only half the picture.

IngridFletcher · 29/07/2010 17:38

My parents worked really hard and we had very little. I worked hard at school, encouraged by them, and I have got more. I am lucky that I had parents like them and we now have more (but not enough) social mobility. I tell my children that they are extremely lucky but they need to work hard to make the most of that luck.

Original poster
Litchick · 29/07/2010 17:50

I certainly impress upon them how important hard graft is - perhaps too much.
And I admit that I've focussed on what can be achieved through it.

OP posts:
RubberDuck · 29/07/2010 18:11

Morris - I was pushed as a kid - just meant I slacked off the moment the pressure was taken off. I'm having to learn to find my own drive and ambition now as an adult to get to do what I want to do. So, being pushed doesn't necessarily help

Lauriefairycake · 29/07/2010 18:21

I think hard graft can often equal very little - if I think about the cleaners/HCA's I know.

Whereas the 'luck' of living in Britain in a nice area and not a really deprived area is serious money in the bank.

You need both really. Impress upon them that work is it's own reward and also be very grateful to be living in modern day Britain.

foreverastudent · 29/07/2010 18:26

I think that success takes luck AND hard work.

Just one or the other is very rarely enough.

MrsC2010 · 29/07/2010 18:27

I used to get really hacked off when people said this to me (my own sister being a prime candidate). I used to point out that my high salary and 'status' actually came from not having had the years off travelling etc that she had, meant working 14 hr days without complaint and being surgically attached to my blackberry. They didn't come from being born under a lucky star.

Worth noting that another 'friend' who also used to go on about it wasn't prepared to take a job that was more than a 20 min walk away so she wouldn't have to buy a car (or she would need a company car like I had obviously) or that needed her to work outside of 9-4 because she still 'needed a life'. And she would be seriously scathing of the amount of time I spent at work, seeing it as an indication that I had nothing else. In other words, wanting all of the perks but none of the sacrifices.

Yes, sometimes you can be in the right place at the right time (spotting a job opening etc) but you still have to secure it and make a success of it. It is just bitterness/jealously to suggest otherwise.

rubyrubyruby · 29/07/2010 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overmydeadbody · 29/07/2010 18:57

While it's not all down to luck, it's not just hard work that makes you succesful.

ib · 29/07/2010 19:01

I totally agree with her AND I'm very keen to impress on my children that hard work = good.

The way we see it we are incredibly lucky to have been dealt the hand we have been and so we owe it to everyone who has made it possible to work hard and make the most of it. If we waste it by not working hard, we are effectively insulting everyone in the world who goes without so that we can be so privileged.

Rollmops · 29/07/2010 19:02

" ...likewise acknowledging that we all have a debt to those who haven't managed it is also important...".... eeer... debt? How exactly? Please explain.

sunny2010 · 29/07/2010 19:22

Between my husband and I we only make 21.5k and we do 65 - 70 hours between us but I still see us as lucky. I think all the time how lucky we are in this country when I see articles about sweat shops and the suffering of the third world it makes me want to cry.

I have worked in the military, waitressing, bar work, chambermaiding, admin clerk, childcare, paper rounds, avon etc and havent been out of work for more than 2 weeks since I was 14. I work hard to but I still think I am extremely lucky to have had these opportunities. I want my children to realise how lucky they are to have been born in this country and I dont care how much money they make as long as they help others.

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