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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want this woman to shut the f*** up!!!!

125 replies

ladylobster · 29/07/2010 11:11

OK, so maybe im hormonal, but with 2 weeks to go until the baby comes i expect that to be expected!

The MIL is doing my nut in, she lives 200 miles away, so you would think this not possible, but whenever she calls she is absolutely driving me insane eith her tripe

Last night i had to endure...

How baby is going to keep us awake for the first year - im not a moron, im 32 not 14! I am well aware of this

She also said "i didnt ask you about names", to which we both (me and DH) said - no we are not telling anyone our choices, to which we got the royal "im sure whatever you choose will be fine" - this really got my goat - what does she mean fine!?!?! Its none of her bleeding business

Then she started again with her water torture style treatment re her first visit, basically in about February we told her, along with my family, that we would not be having any house guests or visitors for the first 2 weeks at least, when we were ready we would let people know - this came from the fact that all our family are long distance, too tight to stay in a hotel, and even if they did stay in a hotel would rock up at 9am and not leave until late, they have no common sense... my family accepted this with a great big "makes sense to us - we know how hard its going to be for you to adjust" - great

She cannot however stop gripping about "her grandchild" "bonding" and every time we speak has to mention it as if we may have changed our minds!!

Personally, baby or no baby i would wait to be invited to anyone's house, not invite myself, and now its "as soon as it happens you will let me know wont you?" - why wont she let it go??!?!?!?

Anyone else experiencing this kind of pressure / emotional backmail??

She also wants me to express rather than breastfeed, all so she can feed when she does eventually come over, any tips on keeping her at arms length?

OP posts:

slushy · 29/07/2010 15:48

My Inlaws did not want to help by doing housework they wanted to help by holding the baby so I could get on with it.

No one on either of my children's birth other than my mum lifted a finger to help. Mil came in on dc2 DP was out with ds picked my sleeping baby out of her cot and told me she was seeing to the baby now so I could go and clean up a bit, because the house was messy and make her a cup of tea.

On ds 5 days after ds was born MIL had been up every day for 8hours on 4 days of 5 and 2hours because hospital policy on the other. She spent the entire time sat down.

Not all inlaws are helpful and I would not be so selfish to my dil.

slushy · 29/07/2010 15:50

Oh forgot to add on day 6 my dp told her she couldn't come because I wasn't bonding with the baby and was getting depressed and MIL said what about me grandmothers need to bond to.

Butterbur · 29/07/2010 15:56

Granted just post birth would not be a good time for house guests, but I think you are being rather mean not to let your MIL at least visit her grandchild as a newborn.

Newborns are so very special, and it is so rare to see them, let alone hold them. And I expect your MIL will want to remember the time when her DCs were that small and helpless. It might help you to bond more with your MIL too.

I have two sons (and a daughter) and it would break my heart if my future daughters in law were as intransigent as you.

slushy · 29/07/2010 15:59

"Granted just post birth would not be a good time for house guests, but I think you are being rather mean not to let your MIL at least visit her grandchild as a newborn."

Op said she offered but her MIL wont stay in a hotel.

Trafficcone · 29/07/2010 16:09

she sounds as bad as my MIL who sadly doesn't live 200 miles away and so keeps turning up unannounced with "She'll be at University before I see her" insert tiny violin
Erm WTF?? You're here NOW you dense woman.
Then keeps poking her awake if I've just got her off to sleep and getting right up close and touching her face while she's latched on and feeding major rage
She's also constantly banging on about me expressing for her convenience.

Broderie · 29/07/2010 16:26

Do visitors have to be helpful? i thougth they just came to visit the new arrival and to make sure mum was okay?

some of you seem to have such a sense of entitlement to all this. Realtionships can be alot more complicated if you persist in them being so. I personally have too much stress in my life to be bothered about reading into things that my mil has said/not said and we get on fine, it works. We are both grown ups. I was abused by my father, i know the difference between a normal relationship and an abusive one and someone aggriovating you and irritating you is hardly world breaking news.

DuelingFanjo · 29/07/2010 16:30

irritation is fine if it's not for long but being irritated for 8 hour stretches day after day with a newborn to get used to is rather more annoying IMO.

Trafficcone · 29/07/2010 16:41

So Broderie, no one is allowed to be intensely irritated by anyone because they're not being abused and because you like your MIL?

Broderie · 29/07/2010 16:48

You are all getting irritated by the minutest detail though and even irritated by me and anyone who thinks the OP needs to get perpsective on the matter. I do like my MIL but it hasn't always been easy but we have both tried to be grown up because she is my husbands mother, my children grandma, my nephews grandma and so on and so forth. But I couldn't really give a shit if you want to create your own misery, it is your life not mine.

slushy · 29/07/2010 16:52

Broderie Okay in future I wont get irritated by MIL telling my ds or me to fuck off or hitting me in front of my children or bragging about being a alcoholic I will just try a bit harder.

bleedingheart · 29/07/2010 16:53

Agree that the expressing comment was out of line but the rest seems innocent enough and if you take the same tone when speaking with her as you do about her here, she probably babbles to cover up your contempt. You sound like you hate her for saying the vacuous things that most people have to listen to when pregnant. If people at work or friends asked you about names or mentioned sleep would it infuriate you that much? My MIL can irritate and wind me up a treat but at the end of the day she is my son's grandmother and I know she is mostly just overwhelmed and excited to have him in her life. Two weeks is quite a long time for a grandparent to wait to see their grandchild.

Can your DH not have a word about staying in a hotel? Or do you think he's on her 'side' really?

It's sad to see so many of examples of grandparents not being interested or saying inappropriate things. I have to disagree with mamatomany though; my PIL and parents would all jump in front of a train for DS. No doubt in my mind.

bleedingheart · 29/07/2010 16:56

Slushy it sound's like you've had an horrendous time but it's not the same as the OP's situation is it? Surely you'd not categorise being asked potential baby names with that?!

MorrisZapp · 29/07/2010 16:56

MILs can't win on the housework issue either.

If they offer to take the baby (which I have seen many posters here say they wish their MIL would do) then they get accused of trying to hog the baby, interfere, pretend to be it's mum etc.

If they offer to do some housework or fetch the coffees, this will be seen as suggesting the DIL can't cope and as a desire to interfere and do things in your house 'her way'.

If she offers to do neither then she is seen as lazy.

If the FIL is there he is not expected to offer anything. The DH is usually never mentioned either.

It all comes down to competition as far as I can see - how else can you explain the level of annoyance/ irritation with a family member who is delighted to see her grandchild.

By all means, have a moan and find her irritating but wanting 'this woman to shut the fuck up' just sounds harsh and unfair given the scant nature of her 'crimes', which really just come down to being a woman who wants to hold your baby and isn't your own mother.

How will you feel when it's your son keeping you at arms length from your grandkids to pacify your DIL, as seems almost inevitable from the endless threads about MILs 'crimes'.

Broderie · 29/07/2010 16:56

slushy, you know that is completely different

slushy · 29/07/2010 16:58

No which is why I said op was ub for the baby names and the constant baby will be crying. But I didn't know what my MIL was like till I gave birth so would err onb the side of caution if you have a fragile relationship.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 29/07/2010 17:01

i so want to bring up the word pregzilla here but I would get flamed!

MorrisZapp · 29/07/2010 17:10

Not by me.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 29/07/2010 17:12

Ok, I will then!

DuelingFanjo · 29/07/2010 17:16

I think this thread could be as much about a pregnant woman's own mother as it is about mothers in law. Some people are irritating and imposing and being a mother in law doesn't necessarily make you so. Some people would dread having their own mother imposing as much or more than they dread it from their DH's family.

not4anotherday · 29/07/2010 17:25

YADNBU. What an excellent idea - no visitors for two weeks, Congratulations by the way. Are you sure she is not my MIL?

Funkycherry · 30/07/2010 16:49

I think the fact that people are family means that they should behave BETTER than friends, especially as they seem to have a sense of entitlement, but my reality is that families are more demanding and that's why we end up wanting to keep them at arms length for the first two weeks.

My DD is 5wks old. My friends have been great. Saying they'd love to visit when I feel up to it (ie not when suits them.) When they have come, they've stayed for short periods of time, been genuinely interested in how we're all doing. Best of all, they haven't tried to tell me how to do things.
Consequently, friends are always welcome.

I've forced myself to make regular time when the grandparents can come over or we can go to them. Then after they leave I sit there in tears as I feel so emotionally drained.
I'm seriously questioning whether I should continue to allow these visits, but if, like the OP I was to ask that question on here, I'd no doubt be told I was being selfish.

slushy lol - it would have been quicker to do your own washing in the end then! No, it wasn'y my knickers, it was washing up.

RudeEnglishLady · 30/07/2010 17:05

My in-laws rocked up for a weeks stay this week giving us a days notice of their plans. This was a week after I gave birth so not quite what I had in mind.

However, it wasn't that bad! I just stood my ground on stuff like dumb comments or MIL wanting to cook for us (like I need poisoning!), smiled sweetly, thrust the baby at them and they actually got tired and, I suspect, a bit bored and went home two days early so you never know your luck

RudeEnglishLady · 30/07/2010 17:06

ooooh, horrible grammar... first post since the baby came....

IHeartKingThistle · 30/07/2010 20:04

We have family staying a lot and while I love to see them I get really irritated with the whole staying thing. So I get that bit.

But I suspect you will be so bursting with pride with baby that you will want to show him/her off before the end of 2 weeks (short bursts maybe!). And even if you don't, your dp WILL. The man doesn't get to do much directly at first, and I know for a fact how much pleasure my dh got from being the one to make all the phone calls and introduce the baby to the family. Honestly, it meant the world to him - I'm getting a little emotional now just remembering it! He will want his mum to meet his child, and I don't think you'd want to be the one to stop that - I couldn't have, I know that!

I am NOT putting men first in this by the way - we give birth, we get to set the rules! I'm just saying for me it was a really important part of that time that dh got to do that.

Good luck, I'm sure it will get easier! I get so irritated with my MIL too but sometimes they just don't know how annoying they're being!

Bigpants1 · 30/07/2010 20:48

Agree with above poster. My dh also found pleasure in phoning people and showing-off each of our dc.
I get that MIL can be irritating, but dont think the majority are on purpose,(the likes of slushys excepted!)
People in all walks of life can and do annoy us, but mostly we rise above it.
Its sad if as grown women, we cant find some middle ground with our MILs. They want to be a part of the dc lives, and can be supportive and loving to them-especially beyond the baby period.
Op, can you imagine having to wait 2wks to see your dgc? I do understand not wanting her to stay though.
As someone else said, one day you will probably be someones MIL-would you want them to think of you this way?

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