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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want this woman to shut the f*** up!!!!

125 replies

ladylobster · 29/07/2010 11:11

OK, so maybe im hormonal, but with 2 weeks to go until the baby comes i expect that to be expected!

The MIL is doing my nut in, she lives 200 miles away, so you would think this not possible, but whenever she calls she is absolutely driving me insane eith her tripe

Last night i had to endure...

How baby is going to keep us awake for the first year - im not a moron, im 32 not 14! I am well aware of this

She also said "i didnt ask you about names", to which we both (me and DH) said - no we are not telling anyone our choices, to which we got the royal "im sure whatever you choose will be fine" - this really got my goat - what does she mean fine!?!?! Its none of her bleeding business

Then she started again with her water torture style treatment re her first visit, basically in about February we told her, along with my family, that we would not be having any house guests or visitors for the first 2 weeks at least, when we were ready we would let people know - this came from the fact that all our family are long distance, too tight to stay in a hotel, and even if they did stay in a hotel would rock up at 9am and not leave until late, they have no common sense... my family accepted this with a great big "makes sense to us - we know how hard its going to be for you to adjust" - great

She cannot however stop gripping about "her grandchild" "bonding" and every time we speak has to mention it as if we may have changed our minds!!

Personally, baby or no baby i would wait to be invited to anyone's house, not invite myself, and now its "as soon as it happens you will let me know wont you?" - why wont she let it go??!?!?!?

Anyone else experiencing this kind of pressure / emotional backmail??

She also wants me to express rather than breastfeed, all so she can feed when she does eventually come over, any tips on keeping her at arms length?

OP posts:
Blatantly · 29/07/2010 11:28

Are you seriously going to make everyone wait at least 2 weeks before they can see the baby?!!!

How would you feel if your future DIL treated you the same way?

ValiumSingleton · 29/07/2010 11:28

lol, getorf, that was just my xmil's taste in names! She had 3 boys and she had her girls names list still tucked up her sleeve from the 70s!

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/07/2010 11:29

Oh god another one I forgot - Lindsay.

Lindsay!

Apols. to all the Lindsays on MN, but Jesus H Christ

dinkystinky · 29/07/2010 11:31

only read the OP - yep, you're hormonal and there's a full moon going on too which doesnt help. Let your DH speak to her if she winds you up so much. Sounds like she's just really excited about her grandchild and like a small child cant top asking the questions over and over and over. And FWIW we had the 2 week rule for DS1's birth which was broken by my dad coming down (for 3 hours) to visit us in hospital on the second day and MIL and FIL coming to see us that weekend - and I (and they) really cherished those visits (didnt think I would) so play it by ear when your baby arrives and see how it all goes.

ValiumSingleton · 29/07/2010 11:31

But bless her my xmil. I feel sorry for her. When I left her son it was a nightmare time and I sent her a letter saying she'd always be the children's gm. She unnecessarily chose to pledge allegiance to her son and now out of pride, she won't come and see the children because of the vile things she screeched down the phone to me over 3 years ago. I've forgiven her. I know what she's like. She's a talk now think later kind of person, and even though I dislike her I feel sorry for her. She must miss the children. Her son never thinks of including her when he sees the children. He's thoughtless to her feelings as a mother, whereas I have nothing but being a mother in common with her, and sometimes that's enough to see what motivates her. Even if I handle things completely differently.

Original poster
ladylobster · 29/07/2010 11:32

You got it in one - like i said water torture, used to getting her own way with her boys, thinks if she drips enough that we will give in, and doesnt really have our best interests or wishes at heart, just wants her own way

Im truly not an evil DIL, seriously this woman has only ever had a birthday card / present / xmas gift / mothers day gift since i have been on the scene - her sons are the opitomy of blokes, dont give a stuff or think about these things, we only ever visit when i organise accomodation and initiate it - both sons are useless (but lovely)

I dont respond well to having my hand forced!

OP posts:
ValiumSingleton · 29/07/2010 11:34

Get a few stock phrases ready, and serenely utter them
'oh, I think you already said that.......'

and

'I do agree with you but only up to a point...." ( a lovely polite way of saying no I don't agree with you)

and

'gosh, that's interesting is that what you think,, hmmm, well well!"

Chathappy · 29/07/2010 11:35

I too am dreading being a mil one day (I have 2 ds) - they never seem to be able to do anything right according to a lot of mn threads and this makes me very

She sounds like she is excited and I can't see anything in the op that seems that bad? Next week someone will start a thread about their mil not being interested in their grandchildren or not asking enough questions about them (or not making the effort to visit enough).

I think it's nice she shows such an interest in her grandchildren.

sapphireblue · 29/07/2010 11:35

you're being a bit sensitive and a bit U expecting grandparents to wait 2 weeks to see the baby. Can't you invite them for an afternoon to visit? Make it clear the door won't be opened to them until 2pm and they will be deposited back on the pavement at 4pm?

As for the expressing thing, maybe she just wants to help? You may actually be grateful for it!

Original poster
ladylobster · 29/07/2010 11:38

Abd re the waiting 2 weeks, yes i am, because like i said, we live in a small house, and they live over 200 miles away, we initially said to her that she could come, but perhaps stay in hotel / with brother in law, but that wasnt good enough, it was too far (about 25 miles from our house - not far), and then it was not long enough, so she couldnt just come for a weekend and wanted to come for longer, im not prepared to be hijacked for visitors at this time in my life, its not like she is round the corner and can be turned away after an hour or two - its slightly different when you have long distances to think about

OP posts:
tethersend · 29/07/2010 11:38

Two weeks is a long time for grandparents to wait to see their grandchild.

I think you are being unreasonable.

Original poster
ladylobster · 29/07/2010 11:40

We are talking house guests, not day visitors, even the most patient of us i am sure couldnt hack that with their entrails hanging out )

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 29/07/2010 11:41

I think yo uhave a fair point re not wanting house guests, actually.

BarmyArmy · 29/07/2010 11:43

I agree with Tethersend - we waited 3 days and that was hard enough keeping my Mother away!

Why not wait and see what it's like when the baby is born? Nothing wrong with being strict - my Mother was quite put out when we said she could only be round for a couple of hours...and yet we stuck to our guns and she had to put up with it.

How about planning to have them over within the first 7-10 days or so, but at a time that's convenient for you.

Your baby, yes...but now part of a wider family that may come to help you in the future. Also, remember that you will be a MIL one day.

activate · 29/07/2010 11:43

I think you're being unfair

LimaCharlie · 29/07/2010 11:43

Agree with ValiumSingleton.

You know you don't have to talk to her don't you? Let DH answer the phone to her and say you're resting if she wants to talk to you, ignore the phone if you're on your own.

Broderie · 29/07/2010 11:47

I agree with getorfmoiland

wait until you have your own son

Women are so unfair to their mother in laws. Mine iosn't perfect but neither is my mother either and it is all about give and take, that is what happens within a relationship. What she has asked you is perfectly reasonable and just normal chit chat

QueenOfProcrastination · 29/07/2010 11:48

I feel your pain! I'm 36 weeks and my MIL keeps asking the same questions over and over. I think it is a combination of her not really knowing what else to talk to me about, and her being very excited. She has a history of being quite passive aggressive, making comments like "well, if it is what you want I suppose it'll have to be okay" about our wedding arrangements two years ago, and doing the same thing now when she asks about our ideas about baby's "routine" etc.

In terms of your MIL I think your options are:
a) put up and shut up
b) Go the passive-aggressive route and tell her, next time she starts on about coming to stay earlier, "I understand that you are eager to meet your grandchild and support us, but you are making DH and I feel guilty about what we think is the best start we can give to our DC. I'm sure you don't intend to make us feel guilty, so I thought I'd better tell you how we feel so you don't accidentally upset DH or I any more."

As for the expressing breastmilk issue, a response like "as lovely as that would be, breastfeeding experts now say that breast-fed babies shouldn't have teats or dummies until breast-feeding is securely established which will be at least 6 - 8 weeks. I'm sure you wouldn't want to risk your GC having to go onto formula so early and miss our on the benefits of breast milk."

c) tell her to keep her nose out and have a big row.

Personally, I've been mimicking my MIL's passive-aggressive behaviour to deal with her, and it has been working so far. Have to admit though, I am concerned about whether I'll cope with her once our DC is here and I'm tired and less able to think before I speak!

ReasonableDoubt · 29/07/2010 11:48

Oh come on! I have a son and I can assure you, I won't ever be telling my DIL she should express because I want to bottle feed my grandchild or be expecting to rock up at their house the minute the baby is born.

There are some really overbearing MILs out there. Cut the apron strings, FFS!

tethersend · 29/07/2010 11:49

x post, LL- didn't realise they'd have to stay. Hmm, that changes things a bit.

Mind you, I would have handed my DD over to satan himself in the first two weeks if it meant I could sleep for an hour.

YunoYurbubson · 29/07/2010 11:51

"i didnt ask you about names [...] im sure whatever you choose will be fine"

Stab the bitch.

Original poster
ladylobster · 29/07/2010 11:53

Thank you QueenofProcrastination and ResonableDoubt - i was beginning to think i was abnormal!

Thank ladies for your opinions, I think i will take the passive aggressive line, its exactly how she tones things, so she should get the meaning of what im saying

All opinions have been welcome, its a shame we dont get on better, but nowt i can do about that, because believe me i have tried )

OP posts:
Broderie · 29/07/2010 11:54

Hmmm my MIL didn't like me breastfeeding either but you know what? I ignored her and I am perfectly capable of doing that as an adult, as is everyone else.

I think on these threads people forget that they are in a relationship with this persons child and of course they are going to interested. The whole dynamics of in laws is that the family will more than likely have a difference of opinion to you and different lifestyles/habits but as long as you tolerate one another it is far easier than getting wound up and arguing the toss with one another.

When your children come along you might be grateful of the help and support off someone else so that you can regain some of your own independance and siocial life!

LuluF · 29/07/2010 11:54

I don't think you're being over-sensitive. Of course she's excited, but really she needs to respect your space. It would drive me crazy too.

By the time we'd got to number three, I'd decided to give a fake due date to family (number 2 was overdue and I had constant phonecalls to see if I was 'OK' - and my Mum rang me 5 times in 10 minutes - she was worried - Grrrrr). So, I know my Mum was a bit miffed about me not telling her the date, but that's too bad. Sometimes people don't know when to stop and when you're pregnant they seem to feel they own you and everything you do.

Be strong, don't give in - keep repeating yourself if you have to. It's your pregnancy, your birth and your baby. Do it it how you want to.

8Ace · 29/07/2010 11:55

Only on MN have I heard about people keeping visitors away. I don't know anyone in real life who have done this. My sister is due in a couple of months and I would be really upset is she told me I couldn't visit for 2 weeks.

I must be rare cos by MIL is fab and the love she has give to my kids is totally priceless. Can't say I agree on a lot of stuff with her but I just smile and nod my head.

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