to want this woman to shut the f*** up!!!!

[ladylobster]

OK, so maybe im hormonal, but with 2 weeks to go until the baby comes i expect that to be expected!

The MIL is doing my nut in, she lives 200 miles away, so you would think this not possible, but whenever she calls she is absolutely driving me insane eith her tripe

Last night i had to endure...

How baby is going to keep us awake for the first year - im not a moron, im 32 not 14! I am well aware of this

She also said "i didnt ask you about names", to which we both (me and DH) said - no we are not telling anyone our choices, to which we got the royal "im sure whatever you choose will be fine" - this really got my goat - what does she mean fine!?!?! Its none of her bleeding business

Then she started again with her water torture style treatment re her first visit, basically in about February we told her, along with my family, that we would not be having any house guests or visitors for the first 2 weeks at least, when we were ready we would let people know - this came from the fact that all our family are long distance, too tight to stay in a hotel, and even if they did stay in a hotel would rock up at 9am and not leave until late, they have no common sense... my family accepted this with a great big "makes sense to us - we know how hard its going to be for you to adjust" - great

She cannot however stop gripping about "her grandchild" "bonding" and every time we speak has to mention it as if we may have changed our minds!!

Personally, baby or no baby i would wait to be invited to anyone's house, not invite myself, and now its "as soon as it happens you will let me know wont you?" - why wont she let it go??!?!?!?

Anyone else experiencing this kind of pressure / emotional backmail??

She also wants me to express rather than breastfeed, all so she can feed when she does eventually come over, any tips on keeping her at arms length?

Hmmm - but Parents, ILs and visitors don't want to do jobs, do they? They offer and pretend they want to but really they want to sit and hold the baby while you do it.

Or is that just my lot?

2 weeks?

Bloody hell that's harsh. What's wrong with saying people are wlecome to pop in but that you can't have house guests and may need to stick to short visits in the early days.

The comment about names sounded so innocuous to me, I'm shocked you're offended by it. It must be the context of the relationship which didn't come accross in your OP but that you explained later.

It feels really mean not to sit and ruminate about names with prospective grandparents. It's part of the fun. You could always withhold your favourites from the discussion so as to avoid negative comments.

I know we don't know what the woman's really like but you really do come accross as mean hormonal.

across

Well I see where you're coming from OP, a baby belongs to it's parents for a short time it's not an extended family toy/pet that people are entitled to.
I don't get this whole MIL will love it as much as you do either, how could they possibly ? I would stand in front of a train for my children, so would DH nobody else would do that, therefore I consider it be our divine right to name them, decide when they are introduced to the family and how they are fed until it's the baby's decision, it never becomes anyone else's.

Yes she maybe be a PITA but I think you sound quite uptight really.

My MIL and FIL were terribly interfering and used to drive me nuts before I had dc. I got over myself though and made it very easy for them to see ds when he was born and let them babysit a lot. 7 years on they have fantastic bond and all I can feel is happy that ds has someone (Grandma) that he loves so much, Grandad too but a really special bond with Grandma.

They moved abroad a couple of years ago and we really do miss them terribly (me mostly for the babysitting I have to say but ds really does miss them and they Skype at least three times a week.

I hope my ds or dd don't end up with someone who gets angry with me for being excited and interested about my grandchildren .

mamatomany, I think it is quite sad that you don't seem to feel that babies are born into an extended family of people who will love, care for and teach them.
It might be nobody but the parent's decision on what to name their child - but giving extended family members the chance to talk about family history, remember the arrival of their own children etc. can be a lovely time (it doesn't mean you have to agree with them).

piprabbit - apologies for butting in - but it depends on your family. It sounds like you have a lovely family. Some people have interfering, aggravating families that you'd really rather keep at arm's length.

ladylobster, I'd focus on the practicalities:

• if your MIL bangs on about not being allowed to see the baby for two weeks, remind her that she's very welcome to see the baby earlier so long as she sorts some accomodation out. It's her choice not to do that, not yours
• Names, I would ignore and not engage
• Breastfeeding, I would say to her "It's lovely of you to want to get involved. I obviously won't need help feeding as I'll be breastfeeding, but you're welcome to change as many nappies as you like. And I'm sure I'll need help with the housework"
• Advice and tips. I'd be blunt with her and say that you know that there's lots of difficulties associated with having a baby, and you don't want anyone reminding you about them again. But you would appreciate stories about what worked for her to cope. And then you can listen and nod and say "how interesting" and take not a blind bit of notice, but in a way that's allowed you to be nice too

Exactly Lulu, I gave my own mother every opportunity to be Grandmother of the year, she offered to have the baby two days a week when I went back to work, I caught the baby in front of the TV watching the cricket aged 3 months, was asked if I had to do that in at the kitchen table, you know breast feed and DD is named what my mum choose because we were taking too long about it, 3 days. And then 3 weeks she decided she needed to go back to work and DD's childcare was my problem.
I was younger when I had the first, only fed for 6 weeks because my confidence was so undermined.
Fast forward 6 years and 200 miles distance, I fed for 3 years
And on the other side MIL took 5 weeks to get her arse 50 miles to see her first grandchild and if DH hadn't taken the latest edition to her she'd have not seen this one at all in 6 weeks, she still hasn't come to the house, 17 miles away, 20 mins on the bus.
We're not all the Waltons i'm afraid.

' Breastfeeding, I would say to her "It's lovely of you to want to get involved. I obviously won't need help feeding as I'll be breastfeeding, but you're welcome to change as many nappies as you like. And I'm sure I'll need help with the housework" '

slhilly that is brilliant (as is the rest of your advice)

I do think that it's hard for families: some of you have got some horror stories, for sure, but we are often really rubbish at ASKING for help. It's important to make your boundaries and needs clear - otherwise I don't think it's fair to blame others entirely for not recognising them, even if they seem obvious to you.

I also think it's worth stepping back and recognising that your dc (like your dh!) will have a relationship with your inlaws that could be quite different from your own, and that you need to come to terms with that.

I found it very helpful to say to my MiL (who was saying things like yours, OP, about how hard it was going to get) that I found 'people' telling me things like that very difficult and painful to hear. Eventually she twigged that she was among those people and stopped! (and guess what: it was never, ever as bad as any of them suggested)

januaryjo I totally disagree. All this horror at no houseguests when you have a newborn I dont understand at all. DH and I had to beg my mother not to leave us alone with our PFB she was insisting that we needed time as a family but we really wanted her to stay. She was fab and basically did all the house stuff and cooking etc while we looked after the baby and she could answer our PFBish questions as she had had 3 of her own. My sister felt the same when her baby was born. My ILs were very useful when we had DC2 as they entertained and made a fuss of DD1 so we could focus on the baby. All this huddling in little nuclear families is abit sad IMO.

And OP YADBU poor MIL she cant do anything right. I bet you terrify the poor woman. In a few years you will really appreciate her help I am sure.

ladylobster I think you and your husband are perfectly within your rights to not want overnight guests straight after the birth. I wouldn't even want my own mum staying let alone my MIL. I think the expressing thing is really very bizzare and she shouldn't be expecting this. I would be (And will be) putting my foot down about this. Stick to your guns!

The rest of it seems hapmless enough, though I can understand it's annoying having someone try to teach you stuff you are already aware of and the badgering for names would annoy me.

and...

I personally don't understand this whole 'they can do the housework' thing. I would really really hate another person fiddling about in my house doing housework and 'making themselves useful' while trying to get to grips with a newborn. I think it would send me over the edge.

Everyone is different and I am sure some people like having that kind of help but some of us really don't live like that and prefer to have private time. I will be declining all offers of housework help when I have my baby!

If you had a grandchild would you be happy to wait 2 weeks to meet it?

Fair enough she shouldnt stay with you but I think she should be allowed to meet her grandchild.

The issue for the OP is that for her MIL to see the baby she has to come for an extended visit which is not just 'meeting her grandchild' it's 'coming to stay' which is a whole different kettle of fish and not one I would be happy with either.

If her MIl was prepared to stay elsewhere then it would suit the OP better but from what she says this really isn't the case.

I don't think it's just that, she says they will not be having any "house guests or visitors".. so I don't think she is welcome at all.

WELL, at least she's applying it to everyone and not just her MIL. I think it's much more reasonable to have a blanket 'ban' than to single people out. If new parents want to get on with all that comes with a new baby in private then I persoanlly think that's their perogative.

I started a thread a while ago about my MIL coming over (from abroad) to stay for 3 weeks (not with us thankfully) and how worried I was that this would be an issue with me bonding, establishing breastfeeding etc. Many people thought I was being too restrictive and I am trying to be fair to everyone RE seeing the baby but I still intend to have a few days where it is just me, the baby and my DH. I don't want to encourage random dropping in and people overstaying their welcome - I think it's good to to be clear about what you want as people can sometimes think about what they want over the needs of a new mum.

I'd have a blanket ban on house guests but if MIL wants to stay in a hotel but visit and her family are too tight to pay for a hotel then it's their choice.

LadyL, could it be you didn't like her much before you were expecting but managed to keep her at arms length with work and social life and so on. You thought it was manageable by seeing her occasionally for lunch and handing the phone to DH every time she rang.

Now she's doing what feels like a mosquito act, and won't go away because this is HER grandchild. Poor you. I would find it irritating too. Hopefully her enthusiasm to be hands on will ease a bit with a few mucky nappies.