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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want this woman to shut the f*** up!!!!

125 replies

ladylobster · 29/07/2010 11:11

OK, so maybe im hormonal, but with 2 weeks to go until the baby comes i expect that to be expected!

The MIL is doing my nut in, she lives 200 miles away, so you would think this not possible, but whenever she calls she is absolutely driving me insane eith her tripe

Last night i had to endure...

How baby is going to keep us awake for the first year - im not a moron, im 32 not 14! I am well aware of this

She also said "i didnt ask you about names", to which we both (me and DH) said - no we are not telling anyone our choices, to which we got the royal "im sure whatever you choose will be fine" - this really got my goat - what does she mean fine!?!?! Its none of her bleeding business

Then she started again with her water torture style treatment re her first visit, basically in about February we told her, along with my family, that we would not be having any house guests or visitors for the first 2 weeks at least, when we were ready we would let people know - this came from the fact that all our family are long distance, too tight to stay in a hotel, and even if they did stay in a hotel would rock up at 9am and not leave until late, they have no common sense... my family accepted this with a great big "makes sense to us - we know how hard its going to be for you to adjust" - great

She cannot however stop gripping about "her grandchild" "bonding" and every time we speak has to mention it as if we may have changed our minds!!

Personally, baby or no baby i would wait to be invited to anyone's house, not invite myself, and now its "as soon as it happens you will let me know wont you?" - why wont she let it go??!?!?!?

Anyone else experiencing this kind of pressure / emotional backmail??

She also wants me to express rather than breastfeed, all so she can feed when she does eventually come over, any tips on keeping her at arms length?

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 29/07/2010 11:13

What on earth has she said that has inspired such loathing? (apart from the express milk bit).

I feel sorry for the woman.

Yes you may be hormonal but there is no need to be so spiteful about a woman taking an interest in her grandchild.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 29/07/2010 11:13

I am also 38 weeks pregnant and would not have been able to bite my tongue. At the least I would have hung up on her.

However even not pregnant and hormonal you would not be unreasonable to be annoyed. She is interfering. I would give you some advice but am too grumpy to be objective

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/07/2010 11:15

I am truly at a loss as to why she is 'interfering'

Asking about names - normal
Asking when she can visit - normal
The baby will keep you awake - normal

rubyrubyruby · 29/07/2010 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOfFun · 29/07/2010 11:18

I can't see a problem either. So you don't like her- ok. She isn't actually doing anything wrong though.

sc13 · 29/07/2010 11:18

The expressing milk thing is a bit strange, but otherwise she would not cross my annoyance threshold.
FIL telling us what name he wanted for DS (some ridiculously old-fashioned 'family' name) did though

Mingg · 29/07/2010 11:19

Agree with GoML

Original poster
ladylobster · 29/07/2010 11:20

Getorfmoiland - i could give you a whole list of things apart from this, these are the final straws at the end of a 9 months of pestering and in your face interference, along with personal insults, badgering and over the top granny to be syndrome

Personally as i am so far away from her in distance its a god send

She has been told when she can visit but continues to bang on about it

She doesnt need to tell me babies keep you awake

I am not calling my baby her favoured family names no matter how much badgering she does

Its OK for those of us that have a MIL that is decent and kind, some of us do not, my own mum, god bless her if she was alivce, would never be so annoying, and even my DH can see where im coming from so i doubt im being nasty, but how do you actually tell someone to back off without losing your rag with her!

OP posts:
peppapighastakenovermylife · 29/07/2010 11:20

Yes but there is nothing more annoying when you are heavily pregnant and fed up for people to start going on about the baby not sleeping...crying...things are only going to get worse.

In isolation it is fine. When you get it all day every day from everyone you meet you go a little mad.

Yes - perhaps over sensitive but hormones, hormones, hormones!

5DollarShake · 29/07/2010 11:21

Can understand the hormones (am 39+1 myself ), but maybe just step back a bit from the situation.

She is excited and she is entitled to be. Just remember that your baby might turn out to be a boy, and you might be in her shoes one day.

nickelbabe · 29/07/2010 11:21

yabu - she's excited, you're hormonal!

it'll be fine, don't panic!

ValiumSingleton · 29/07/2010 11:23

You have to meet her in the middle.

"this woman" is not some random stranger. She's your husband's mother and is a close and direct blood relative of your baby!

In the beginning you will be very proprietorial over your baby and that is normal, but there will come a time when you will be aching for some time alone. And even if you wouldn't choose to spend time with your MIL, it can be a great comfort to know that the baby is with somebody who is minding them not as a favour to you because YOU are their friend, but rather, minding the baby because they love your baby as much as you do.

I say this as somebody who has absolutely NO relationship with her xmil. She chose to banish me when I had the audacity to leave her son! But I feel sorry for her. For 8 years I worked at meeting her in the middle and it worked well. she was also very silly about names though!! She mocked every name I wanted but had no idea what babies were being called at that point. Her taste was very dated, from when her own children were young! But just shrug.... She even wanted me to call my son the name of her late 2nd husband (not my x's father!). That made me laugh out loud!

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/07/2010 11:23

Sorry your mum isn't around lobster

If I were you I would just not answer the phone, or delegate convos to your DP if she gets on your nerves.

Fair enough if she is a PITA but you didn't say the other horrible things she has done in your OP.

Anyway, put your feet up and have a cream cake, your 38 weeks!

5DollarShake · 29/07/2010 11:24

X-cross posted - it does sound like there is some history there. Not sure what to suggest, but hopefully you can find a middle ground.

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/07/2010 11:24

Agree with Valium - wise words.

eirikthered · 29/07/2010 11:25

Every time she brings up the visiting thing, just say very politely and calmly "I think I've answered that" and change the subject immediately. Whatever you do, don't crack. She'll learn that nagging and whinging works. Similarly, just tell her "I don't believe in expressing milk" or something. It's your baby, not hers, and it's your body.

Re: names. Annoying, but not a heinous crime. Perhaps you can appease her by giving the baby her name as a middle name or something.

Colliecross · 29/07/2010 11:25

I agree the expressing milk thing is a bit OTT but I think she is very excited and wants to feel involved generally. I'm sorry your own mum isn't with you at this lovely time.

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/07/2010 11:26

YY to the old fashioned names by the way.

Not old fashioned as in old lady chic, but old fashioned as what would have been the height of chic in the 1960s.

My XMIL's suggestions for dd:

Shelagh (that spelling)
Gillian
Victoria-Louise

ValiumSingleton · 29/07/2010 11:26

ps, it must be really hard for you not having your mum there for you. It is unfair. Perhaps your mil is in her own clumsy way trying to fill your own mum's shoes?? It isn't possible of course, but some of her intrusion may be because she is remembering her first baby and thinking about how her mum was there for her..... and feeling a bit sad for you that your mum won't be there for you. But if you don't have a close relationship that would be hard to articulate without being patronising.

but that's not your mil's fault. And without your own mum, you may well need her help for the next two decades.

OrmRenewed · 29/07/2010 11:26

Eh?

I'm with getorf - she sounds excited, that's all. And what is wrong with saying 'whatever you choose with be fine'? Or would you prefer her to have no opinion at all on the name? The expressing question is entirely up to you but she probably wants to think that at some point she would like to be able to feed the baby once or twice - at least she is supporting you BFing and not trying to convince you to give formula.

oohbehave · 29/07/2010 11:26

The bit oabout expressing milk would annoy me but you just smile an ignore.
the rest is just her being excited about her grandchild ffs. when she makes a point of not asking about the baby name she is trying to make it obvious she's trying not to interfere (which is obviously hard as she's clearly so excited which I think is lovely)
and 2 weeks is a long time to make your family wait to see their granchild.

ShirleyKnot · 29/07/2010 11:26

I am dreading being a MIL. DREADING IT.

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/07/2010 11:27

you're not your.

Angelcat666 · 29/07/2010 11:27

I don't think it's the questions she's asking. More the fact that she seems to keep asking them again and again and again and again and...well you get the picture

Is that it op? The fact that she won't respect your (and your DH's) decisions not to tell her the names/let her visit immediately but instead keeps bringing these subjects up time after time.

ReasonableDoubt · 29/07/2010 11:27

I have had longstanding battles with my MIL, which have calmed down massively since I stopped allowing myself to be riled by every single comment she makes. Try to break the cycle now, or you will end up getting yourself very worked up (speaking from bitter experience).

The expressing thing is preposterous and you don't even have to justify yourself. Get your DH on board on that one, too.

The rest of it? You are being hormonal, I would guess. I know that sounds patronising (sorry) but I do think for many women (especially with their first baby) they can come over all territorial and be extremely sensitive to perceived criticism or interference, especially from MILs and other female relatives. I think it is all normal and part of the 'mother lioness' type instinct that is kicking in.

I couldnt physically bear my MIL to hold my DS when he was first born. I have no idea where that strength of feeling came from. I just hated it. Everything she did or said felt like criticism, judgement or interference. I hated her guts (poor woman!).Some of it probably was interference, because she is a batty old dear, but half of it was just her being her and trying to be a good grandmother in he own (sometimes odd!) way.

Years down the line I have learned to bite my tongue and be the bigger person and it is strangely liberating