to want this woman to shut the f*** up!!!!

[ladylobster]

OK, so maybe im hormonal, but with 2 weeks to go until the baby comes i expect that to be expected!

The MIL is doing my nut in, she lives 200 miles away, so you would think this not possible, but whenever she calls she is absolutely driving me insane eith her tripe

Last night i had to endure...

How baby is going to keep us awake for the first year - im not a moron, im 32 not 14! I am well aware of this

She also said "i didnt ask you about names", to which we both (me and DH) said - no we are not telling anyone our choices, to which we got the royal "im sure whatever you choose will be fine" - this really got my goat - what does she mean fine!?!?! Its none of her bleeding business

Then she started again with her water torture style treatment re her first visit, basically in about February we told her, along with my family, that we would not be having any house guests or visitors for the first 2 weeks at least, when we were ready we would let people know - this came from the fact that all our family are long distance, too tight to stay in a hotel, and even if they did stay in a hotel would rock up at 9am and not leave until late, they have no common sense... my family accepted this with a great big "makes sense to us - we know how hard its going to be for you to adjust" - great

She cannot however stop gripping about "her grandchild" "bonding" and every time we speak has to mention it as if we may have changed our minds!!

Personally, baby or no baby i would wait to be invited to anyone's house, not invite myself, and now its "as soon as it happens you will let me know wont you?" - why wont she let it go??!?!?!?

Anyone else experiencing this kind of pressure / emotional backmail??

She also wants me to express rather than breastfeed, all so she can feed when she does eventually come over, any tips on keeping her at arms length?

ffs .. telling someone whatever they choose will be fine is NOT AN INSULT!

Ok so youre reasonable about the no house guests and reasonable about not wanting to express so she can feed the baby. Youre unreasonable about everything else.

My mum and MIL are both very interfering, I am trying to let it wash over my head (33 weeks with dc2) You have to because TRUST ME when baby is born it will be

how is it feeding? maybe it isnt getting enough milk from you....
how is it sleeping? Itd sleep better if it was having formula....
arent you leaving weaning a bit late?
oh arent they rolling / crawling / walking/ wtalking yet?
havent you thought about potty training yet?

You just need to learn to nod and smile.

I like the phrase "I am not getting much pleasure out of this phone call at the moment."

I've never used it, but it would explain your feelings and the obvious next thing is "so I'm going to go now, and switch on Murder She Wrote."

and wanting to feed your grandchild and hopping the mother will be expressing is not unreasonable either

parents nowadays hae such a kink in their think it's ridiculous

Ah see thats the thing, she isnt a built in babysitter to help me regain my life, because she is 250 miles away!!!

In theory it all sounds great, but in reality she is a part time granny that wants full time opinions on child rearing

Last we saw of her was xmas, she never comes to see us, we always have to go to her, and she is only 57 before anyone says it because she is old!

I'm going to stick my head above the parapet here and say that I think the OP is being entirely reasonable in not wanting her MIL to stay over in the first 2 weeks. She's not saying she can't come, only that she can't stay over. She's suggested MIL stays with BIL 25 miles away- a perfectly reasonable compromise IMO- hardly her fault that MIL has refused, no doubt hoping they will cave in and say she can stay with them after all.

You only ever get one chance to bring you first baby home from the hospital, that time is precious, why on earth would she want a house guest who's likely to be completely over the top and bossy to share that time with her? I love my MIL to bits, but still wouldn't have wanted her staying overnight when DS was newborn!

If you always have to go to her surely she wouldn't be bothered about your no houseguests for 2 weeks rule?

Yes Broderie, if you take the baby out of the equation, but with a baby in the equation she has lost all sense of sanity

so how she is going to get there?

Drive i would imagine, she is upwardly mobile and capable of these things

Your poor MIL.

I really wonder how you yourself would be if you had a grandchild on the way.

Taking offence at 'whatever you choose will be fine' boggles the mind. Clearly there is nothing she could do or say that wouldn't cause you offence.

You obviously don't like her, so why bother speaking to her on the phone - get your DH to do it.

I remember lots of, Oh, aren't you GOOD, breastfeeding for so long, I couldn't WAIT to get mine onto bottles tinkling laugh of course once they have bottles it's SO much easier for you because ANYONE can help you... starting from about ooh, 2 weeks old.

So why hasn't she done it before? has she not felt welcome before?

Do you not think she may view this as a prgression of all your relationships? Babies and grandchildren do actually change things for more people than just yourself you know.

'and wanting to feed your grandchild and hopping the mother will be expressing is not unreasonable either'

Wanting to feed your grandchild is not unreasonable but hoping the mother will breastfeed to suit your whim is completely unreasonable. Introducing a bottle when breastfeeding isn't fully established is not sensible.

We had people with us within hours of DD1 and DD2 being born (it was tricky with DD1 as we were living with my parents as we were selling a house) - but the first 2 weeks was non-stop visitors and then DH had to go back to work (and then live away from us with his brother). This is why we put our foot down with DS - I was worried about having a boy anyway, and the few days we had on our own were wonderful and it really helped us bond with him - and I feel that we wouldn't have been able to if we'd had visitors.

Having someone else stay in your house at that time is madness. Really, don't do it. I agree wholeheartedly with FetchezLaVache - it's such a precious time - you'll never get it back.

I sympathise with you to a certain extent. My relationship with my MIL is difficult and there are lots of reasons for this, some of which are valid. However because ultimatly I didn't really like the woman I used to let a lot of innocuous neutral comments really annoy me, especially when I was pregnant and in the first couple of months ater PFB's birth.
I think that is what is happening here. Your MIL is excited and wants to see her grandchild as soon as possible. She is interested but there is very little really to talk about when you are pregnant is the only topic being discussed for 9 months is the pregnancy so inevitably things get repeated. I don't think she is getting at you with the name thing, as for expressing milk probably in her mind this is a good compromise. My MIL was always on me to FF or else wean to solids (from about 4 weeks), she even tried to give DD a bottle when I wasn't there (she was older at that stage about 6 months).
Try and get some prespective. You are only upsetting yourself letting little things wind you up. Can you imagine blowing up at your MIL and trying to explain that it was because she said 'any name you choose will be fine'! You'll get a reputation with here for being thorny/ touchy and she won't listen when you really need her to. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Save your battles for the important stuff.

I think you're being very unreasonable.

Have you thought that the woman might be wittering on because she's scared of you? You make it quite clear you don't like her.

I can understand you don't want her to stay with you and because you don't want her there, it's best if she doesn't stay. But two weeks without seeing the baby? If my son married someone who said that to me, I'd think she was a real bitch.

Your baby is being born into a family and your mother in law is one of the closest blood links your child will have. Your child will grow up to love his grandmother and she will love him - why do you want to spoil that?

I'd put good money on your husband thinking you're really unreasonable but being too scared of you to say so.

I have sympathy, OP. It's very hard with people who don't hear what you say and don't respect boundaries.

My Mil and I were not close, emotionally, but we were friends and she was a great Mil because she did not impose. She wanted to be part of our lives but not in charge of them. We discussed, we agreed and then everyone abided by the agreements without rancour.

It's all very well everyone saying she wants to help and be involved but if that is very much on her terms, or if she doesn't hear your point of view and give you space, then there's a problem.

Personally, I've no patience with passive aggression. I was always pretty straight with Mil (albeit in a gentle tone of voice) and that's what I would suggest here, except that your DP should be doing it. However, I was always careful to show lots of enthusiasm too, to balance things out. E.g., to say that we were really looking forward to the visit and had things planned for it, but to be very clear it would not be happening before the agreed time or derailed by nutty Sil.

Would that work for you? Keep her in the loop (lots of calls or e-mails, updates etc) but be firm on the key things that are important to you and say straight out when you've decided something and are not going to change.

I think YANBU about no visitors they drove me nuts I had two flaming weeks starting the day baby was born with visitors from 9am to 9pm. Your guest wish to stay overnight I would limit to 3 nights if they are staying with you, or they can get a hotel.

The not visiting MIL goes nuts I don't drive and train journey is a hour away and costs £15 but she seems to need us in her house and when we do go she uses it to dictate what we do with the children.

The expressing argument I got that two I just said no it makes me painful SIL bought me a pump because she would prefer I didn't feed in front of her DH.

I think you are bu about the name, and babies not sleeping though .

On ds I MIL turned up while I was in labor and dragged BIL in the room So on DC" I made DP promise not to tell her I was in labor but I went two weeks over cue phone calls everynight with any news yet? and make sure you tell me when labor starts wont you? When I went in labor I was hiding in the toilet when she phoned and DP lied and said no she is just sleeping .

MorrisZapp - I think it's very easy to take offence at phrases like 'whatever you choose will be fine' - we don't know the OP's MIL - or their history. We really weren't there to know if there was anything about the way it was said that was offensive, or about her non-verbal communication.

Most people think my MIL is perfection - but she's got a way about her that can drive me crazy, yet repeat it to anyone else and they don't know what I'm making a fuss about. She has this disapproving look - and my goodness do you know when you've been disapproved of. But her words, no, they're not very offensive.

In the nicest possible way, I think ladylobster needs to find a new way of handling her relationship with her MIL.
When the baby arrives ladylobster will find her life tied closely to her MILs for at least 20 years. To be seething so much after only nine months of grandparental interference doesn't bode well for the future.

She is not an evil person, she doesn't even sound particularly unkind. She sounds a little thoughtless and self-centred maybe - does she live alone and have a lot of time to think about things (so you get an unedited brain dump when she actually talks to you?).

However, the new baby will probably adore their grandparents (on both sides), so you need to find a way of supporting that relationship even if your own relationship with MIL isn't great.

I think you are being highly unreasonable to keep referring to her as 'this woman'. She is your husband's Mum, and whether you like it or not she will be related to your baby.

As the mother of a son this is bloody depressing. I imagine I will be bursting with excitement when DS has children, and yes I will want to be involved. So shoot me.

My MIL came to stay for a week when DS was a fortnight old - I was recovering badly from an emcs and I needed the help. She was brilliant, and it really helped to change and cement our relationship.

I wrote very similar posts just before my DD was born. (She's now nearly 5wks.)
Loads of people thought I was being unreasonable too.
My MIL doesn't do/say anything too outrageous/wrong, but she still winds me up a treat! Now I've got to the stage where everything she says or does makes me defensive, so I'm my own worst enemy. I even got the hump when she washed two things up the other day because I've asked her before not to do it (hormones?)

Not much help to you I'm afraid, but wanted you to know I understand.

FunkyCherry Was it underwear I specifically said to MIL I would be grateful if she did the washing (she offered) But I would prefer to remove my underwear having just had a baby (I don't want some one handling my knickers anyway).

She said don't be silly so I said it may be silly but I would prefer to wash them myself so I separated them (with her lurking over my shoulder ) into a bag put the carrier bag back into the wash bin asked dp to carry the washing out and spotted Mil had hidden my knickers in her hand bag .

So when she went to the toilet I nicked them back .

What piprabbit said.

I think that it is worth being the better person (if indeed that's what it takes - it does sound as though you are being a little bit oversensitive about some of the things you mention) at this stage because having a good relationship with your child's grandmother will be so, so useful later on - and perhaps even bring you, as well as your dh and dc, happiness. I agree that it's very hard to take what feels like parenting criticism from one's MiL - I could have written your post when I was pg, and then AFTER dd was born multiplied it tenfold - but if you can learn to smile, nod and let it wash over you, that is a VERY useful skill as a new parent.

I now realise that lots of my deep irritation around time of birth of dd with MiL was unreasonable; and some of it wasn't. But we muddled along and she is a wonderful grandmother, and I'm glad that nothing happened in the tricky period to have got in the way of that.

Lots of people would wish that their relatives WOULD take so much interest. Just put her to work when she visits