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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to wait 5 years?

123 replies

rhinowatcher · 27/07/2010 15:29

There is a whole long story to this but I will try to condense.

I always thought I'd never want children and when I started my current relationship we both had the same view. As time went on I changed my mind and when we went through a rough patch 3/4 years ago I explained that I wanted a child, I wasn?t after one straight away, but I did want one and if we didn?t want the same thing there wasn?t much point us being together.

In the last two years I have got pregnant twice, not deliberately, I?d forgotten to take the pill a couple of days in a row. Last year I had an abortion, I didn?t particularly want to but I went through with it. When I got pregnant this year I refused to be pressured into getting rid of it. My OH?s biggest argument was that we?d never be able to afford it and I made clear that I would sell everything I owned and would live the rest of my life on bread and water if I had to, to provide for the baby. His argument falls a little flat however as he?s desperate to get a dog/ bearded dragon/ more snakes and has an obsession with buying more games/ dvds/ blu-rays.

Unfortunately an abnormality was picked up on the 12 week scan and we eventually lost a little boy. A little while after my OH admitted that by the 12 scan he was starting to get used to the idea of having a child (not that he told me) and would like to let his dad see a grandchild (due to medical condition, FIL is losing sight and is terminally ill)

Yesterday I had a talk with OH about children, thinking it might help if we had a slight plan for a change, and he told me he wants to wait at least 5 years before we start a family. I may have exploded at him slightly as I was hoping for an answer along the lines of 1-2 years. I have tried to give him my reasons- I?m not getting any younger and don?t want the chances of further problems to get any higher, his dad doesn?t have long before his eyesight goes, my job is in a good place for me to take a long time off now. But he?s not interested right now and can?t give me any real reason other than he?s not ready. He has a 13yo daughter who he sees sporadically from a previous relationship and I think this may have messed him up.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable to not want to wait?

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 27/07/2010 15:34

How old are you? I wouldnt wait if I were you. You might need to make some serious decisions.

expatinscotland · 27/07/2010 15:36

Why on Earth are you with this jerk off?

He sounds like a git.

YANBU to not want to wait. YABU to let someone else unilaterally dictate how you live your life.

slushy · 27/07/2010 15:39

YANBU I think maybe you need to sit down and talk with him I am very sorry for the tough time you have had .

sapphireblue · 27/07/2010 15:39

How old are you both?

ReasonableDoubt · 27/07/2010 15:41

Everything you have said about your DP makes him sound like an utter, self centred, immature bastardly PRICK. I'm so sorry.

slushy · 27/07/2010 15:42

I don't think you can fix this however he does not want a child and you do I think you maybe need to think about walking away, because even if he has a child with you he sounds the type to resent it.

coventgarden · 27/07/2010 15:42

YANBU but you won't be waiting 5 years, you will be waiting forever to have a baby with this man.

expatinscotland · 27/07/2010 15:43

'He has a 13yo daughter who he sees sporadically from a previous relationship and I think this may have messed him up.'

No, it didn't mess him up. He's a sad excuse for a father. Dump him and find someone more deserving of you.

Original poster

rhinowatcher · 27/07/2010 15:44

I'm 28, nearly 29. I know it's not very old but with what happened in my last pregnancy it's something that worries me a bit.

OP posts:

LadyintheRadiator · 27/07/2010 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Firawla · 27/07/2010 15:45

yanbu not to wait
do you think he might keep putting it off and off, in that case if u are very serious that you want dc soon then may have to consider have you got a future with him, or whether its worth just take a fresh start and finding someone with similar goals/timeframe than what you have in mind? you hear of people getting put off for years and years, so you need to put your own wishes first sometimes, or could end up with no dc if he keeps up this attitude.
personally i couldnt forgive any dh/dp for suggesting to have an abortion, so would have been out of there @ that point. that is so so horrible of him, its not just something to forgive and forget, it would have been best probably just leave him at that point but whats done is done..
how old is he and you? he cant be that young with a 13 yr old dd, so sounds like he is extremely immature. you can do better than him i am sure

expatinscotland · 27/07/2010 15:45

He doesn't want a baby. Ever. But instead of doing the decent thing and being honest with you he tries to string you along with BS like 'in 5 years'.

Don't fall for it.

LadyintheRadiator · 27/07/2010 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 27/07/2010 15:48

what sort of dad do you honestly think this guy would be to a baby, what support to you as a pg mum and coping with a new born? he sounds totally selfish - more interested in pets and games

you would be better off without him, seriously!

LostArt · 27/07/2010 16:00

From what you have said here - I don't think he wants a child, and I don't think he ever will.

mayorquimby · 27/07/2010 16:03

I'd agree with many that if you want different things then you should leave him.
But just out of interest, sorry for the slight hijack, why are so many of you so quick to label him a prick?

expatinscotland · 27/07/2010 16:07

Pressuring someone to have an abortion they don't really want makes someone a prick, IMO. Then pressuring her to do it again a year later. That's tube steak behaviour.

So does strining someone along with 'at least 5 years' instead of doing the decent thing and telling them they don't want kids, so move on if you do.

sanielle · 27/07/2010 16:10

they didnt want children, then she did. WHy does that make him an asshole? Sounds like he wants to wait till his oldest is an adult (18) before moving on. Maybe there is a reason for it.

I wouldnt wait 5 years at your age though, not that thats old but if he changes his mind you won't want to start from scratch then,

expatinscotland · 27/07/2010 16:12

Um, no, 'they^ agreed they'd one day have a child, as OP stated: 'we went through a rough patch 3/4 years ago I explained that I wanted a child, I wasn?t after one straight away, but I did want one and if we didn?t want the same thing there wasn?t much point us being together.'

When she fell pregnant he pressured her to have an abortion she didn't really want.

He has a kid he doesn't even see regularly.

That's prick material, IMO.

BertieBotts · 27/07/2010 16:13

Well let's see

He has pressured the OP into having an abortion which she didn't want

(implied) he attempted to put the abortion pressure on again the second time

He insists they can't afford a baby yet spends lots of money on things he wants which (presumably) his DP doesn't.

Seeing children from previous relationships sporadically = red flag.

He might be a prick, he might not be. Either way he sounds very immature. If he has a 13yo daughter he must be at least in his late 20s/early 30s, so I doubt it's an age thing, it's likely he will never grow up and "be ready" for a child.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 27/07/2010 16:15

He's stringing you along. In five years' time he still won't be ready for a baby and you'll be 34 with rapidly reducing time to find a new man to settle down and have a baby with.

Really -- at your age, in a settled relationship, someone who wants to a couple of years may very well seriously still want children (although I've known women who've been strung along by partners who always want to wait "just another couple of years"). But someone who's saying "at least five years" really doesn't want them. Or he does, but not with you. He may not even know which of those it is himself.

If you definitely want children then I think this man is not the right man for you and you will be better off dealing with that now and moving on.

mayorquimby · 27/07/2010 16:17

"Pressuring someone to have an abortion they don't really want makes someone a prick, IMO. "

But you don't know that happened do you? Or did I misread, it says she had one she didn't really want to but that doesn't mean he pressured her into it.
He could have let it be known that he wanted her to have one and she may have felt pressured or scared of the fact that it may mean having a kid with someone who didn't want one or may leave her if she had it.
It could have been that upon hearing his wishes she somehow felt guilty and confused as she had earlier said she didn't want kids either and may have felt she'd be painted as having "trapped him etc."
Agreed if he effectively forced her to have an abortion he'd be a prick, but we don't know if that happened. All we know is that she had an abortion she wasn't sure about and now regrets.
the second time she was in a position to refuse so how do we know she was not in the same position the first time?
Apart from that it is to my mind a difference of opinions and desires which I wouldn't see as enough to decide he's a prick because he wants different things.

Original poster

rhinowatcher · 27/07/2010 16:18

sanielle- I did say to him 3 years ago that I had changed my mind and he had ample chance to leave, he told me he knew it was important to me and we would start a family someday. I haven't just sprung this on him.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 27/07/2010 16:20

He doesn't sound ideal father material, but I spent my childless years spending all my cash on makeup and handbags etc, seems a bit unfair to slate him for spending his own money.

The point about kids being expensive isn't the buying them stuff, it's the paying for childcare, housing etc, which probably costs more than blurays and dragons.

OP, this man doesn't want a child right now. If you really do want a child now then you will have to move on and meet somebody else.

mayorquimby · 27/07/2010 16:23

"1. He has pressured the OP into having an abortion which she didn't want

(implied) he attempted to put the abortion pressure on again the second time

He insists they can't afford a baby yet spends lots of money on things he wants which (presumably) his DP doesn't.

Seeing children from previous relationships sporadically = red flag."

First two I'd say we don't have enough information about to decide if that makes him a prick. As I I discussed in my earlier post.

#3 spending money on other luxuries and wanting to keep his lifestyle the same hardly makes him a prick it just means he wants different things to the OP. If you think his lifestyle sounds immature, and I'm not saying I disagree with you, there's nothing inherently more prickish about living an immature life than leading a mature one or trying to force someone to lead a more mature one.
You only get one shot at life so you may as well live it in a way that makes you a happy person. Hence why I said I agree that the OP should leave him as the current situation clearly isn't making her happy, but that doesn't make him wrong and her right.
That would be like claiming her changing her mind about kids makes her the bad guy in all this. It doesn't, it just means she wants different things.

Would worry me. BUt the OP's own Caveat of thinking it has messed him up would make me want more info, although at the moment I'd agree with you. People who don't see their kids are not to be given the benefit of the doubt.

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