to not want to wait 5 years?

[rhinowatcher]

There is a whole long story to this but I will try to condense.

I always thought I'd never want children and when I started my current relationship we both had the same view. As time went on I changed my mind and when we went through a rough patch 3/4 years ago I explained that I wanted a child, I wasn?t after one straight away, but I did want one and if we didn?t want the same thing there wasn?t much point us being together.

In the last two years I have got pregnant twice, not deliberately, I?d forgotten to take the pill a couple of days in a row. Last year I had an abortion, I didn?t particularly want to but I went through with it. When I got pregnant this year I refused to be pressured into getting rid of it. My OH?s biggest argument was that we?d never be able to afford it and I made clear that I would sell everything I owned and would live the rest of my life on bread and water if I had to, to provide for the baby. His argument falls a little flat however as he?s desperate to get a dog/ bearded dragon/ more snakes and has an obsession with buying more games/ dvds/ blu-rays.

Unfortunately an abnormality was picked up on the 12 week scan and we eventually lost a little boy. A little while after my OH admitted that by the 12 scan he was starting to get used to the idea of having a child (not that he told me) and would like to let his dad see a grandchild (due to medical condition, FIL is losing sight and is terminally ill)

Yesterday I had a talk with OH about children, thinking it might help if we had a slight plan for a change, and he told me he wants to wait at least 5 years before we start a family. I may have exploded at him slightly as I was hoping for an answer along the lines of 1-2 years. I have tried to give him my reasons- I?m not getting any younger and don?t want the chances of further problems to get any higher, his dad doesn?t have long before his eyesight goes, my job is in a good place for me to take a long time off now. But he?s not interested right now and can?t give me any real reason other than he?s not ready. He has a 13yo daughter who he sees sporadically from a previous relationship and I think this may have messed him up.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable to not want to wait?

In five years time you could be in a much better relationship, with a partner who is willing to pay his own way, and who also wants to have children.

Or this guy could still be sitting on his arse, playing with his bearded dragon, watching his huge TV and saying "Just another couple of years, babe".

I also am not going to make any judgements on your DP.

But he obviously doesn't want children, and you do. So I think you need to get rid as soon as you can. DP's manager at work has recently divorced her husband because she wants children and he doesn't. Problem is she's already past 35 and doesn't have a man to have a child with. I don't rate her chances of having a baby now tbh. you don't want to end up in that situation, so leave now while you still have time.

My DP is the opposite to yours - i'm pregnant with our second, and he doesn't want any more children once he's 35. He still wants to have some life left in him when the kids leave home!

He doesn;t want DC now, he probably doesn;t want them at all. What he wants is to carry on being supported by you to indulge his hobbies and sit on his arse.
I don;t think it's active malevolence in that he is stringing you along until your fertile years are over - more a case of he is someone who will always put people off with vague promises to shut them up. I really don';t see what you are getting out of this relationship, particularly given that you want children. If you have a baby, you will end up chucking this man outanyway as he will be no help at all and might even become hostile when all of a sudden there's no spare money for video games and his dogs and dragons are all shitting and howling because the baby doing the same thing is unsettling them...

What expat and other said.

Don't waste your bloody time.

Yes it may seem harsh but I assume plently of us have wasted time on here with feckless losers. personally 7 years (the lajority of my twenties) were wasted on an inflexible, selfish arsewipe. Don't make the same mistake.

He doesn't bother seeing his daughter because she lives miles away? That's no excuse.

He is a waster, he hasn't treated you with any consideration and he seems immature to boot.

Don't waste 5 years. You wil wake up, be 32, and he STILL won't be ready, and he STILL won't have enough money (what with his job at pets@home).

MorrisZapp Wed 28-Jul-10 11:46:12
Would you lot tell a woman to get a job in a supermarket or fast food joint instead of in the line of work they were passionate about and to stop freeloading off a man?

Yes, I would. I didn't want to work in various shitty jobs which I had in my teens and twenties (knicker factory, cleaning, chambermaiding etc) but I did so to earn money, and to support me and dd whilst I studied in the evening for my dream job.

This bloke just sounds like a sponger. Why does he think jobs in supermarkets are beneath him, the arrogant swine. Just because he can't get a job as a dragon fancier or whatever.

"all of a sudden there's no spare money for video games and his dogs and dragons are all shitting and howling because the baby doing the same thing is unsettling them" lolol

SGB you have got to be one of the funniest people on MN

He doesn't seem to want a baby or a job or any form of responsibility. It's his right not to have any more children but it's cruel to keep you hanging on. If you stay with him and have a baby I would be amazed if this relationship lasted. You find his hobbies/lack of employment frustrating now? Wait until you're sleep deprived, up to your chin in washing and desparate for a shower- if you see him sitting there watching tv or playing games; you will despise him!

Do you want a baby with him or do you just want a baby full-stop? Because settling for someone you already know is not a great dad is a recipe for disaster.

Sorry to sound harsh and I'm really sorry to hear of the tough time you've had in the past few years. You can get out of this and start again.

straight choice
1.stay with bearded dragons man-child=no baby
2.ditch him.hopefully find an adult man who does want to be daddy with you

dont languish hoping you can talk him round.why would you want to convince him anyway.babies dont need an ambivalent man-child father they need loving empathic fathers

I am so sorry you have wasted so much time, and had some very upsetting expriences, with this man

but he is a cocklodger of the highest order, and you need to move on

leave this workshy loser behind you

don't turn around in 5 years time and realise you threw another few years down the pan...

"Would you lot tell a woman to get a job in a supermarket or fast food joint instead of in the line of work they were passionate about and to stop freeloading off a man?"

Yes, absolutely, if she didn't have children, didn't want children in the foreseeable future, and was frittering away his salary on expensive hobbies while moaning that they "couldn't afford" the things that he wanted.

Apart from anything else, while it's possible that an employer in just the line of work she's interested in will come along in her area, look at her CV and exclaim "well Lordy me, someone who's been unemployed for years without lifting a finger because they wouldn't take any job that wasn't perfect! EXACTLY what I was telling HR we were looking for just this morning!" it seems unlikely.

To be honest, depending on the circumstances I'd be more inclined to suggest that if she were indeed passionate about some specialist job she should consider moving to where the work was rather than sitting around waiting for it to come to her, but if that weren't a realistic option then getting a job would be next line of advice.

I agree. If he wants things to happen, he's got to make them happen. I went to uni at 25 and then temped and did volunteering to get experience before landing my dream job. If he's not going to get off his backside now, then he never will.

professor I agree - I knew a girl who wanted to work with animals. She did a GNVQ to level 3 in animal husbandry. When she'd finished she sent her CV to no fewer than 50 zoos and animal parks. She got very few responses, she got one interview, and she got a job.

This kind of job doesn't get handed to you on a plate because you keep a few unusual pets.

I've been thinking about this thread this afternoon, and the thing that has struck me is if he was genuine, it's a bit too arbitrary (sp?).

If he said "not until I have a job and completed the probabtionary period" or "not until we've been able to buy a house" or "not until we're married" or "not until I finish XXX course/study" then that might be reasonable, but to just say 5 years seems so random. Why would you be better parents at 34 than 29? If there was something specific he expected to happen in the interim, then it would make sense, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Sorry, hope we haven't upset you too much.

'Would you lot tell a woman to get a job in a supermarket or fast food joint instead of in the line of work they were passionate about and to stop freeloading off a man?'

Yes. Especially if she had a 13-year-old non-resident child.

rhinowatcher, if it's not a rude question, what does this guy actually bring to your life? If you're working and he isn't, presumably he does all the housework etc?

And rather more importantly, what do you see him bringing to the life of your prospective child?

Rhinowatcher.

I still don't think he's a freeloader like some are suggesting. Nor that he is some immature child.

However, I do agree that its clear for whatever reason (doesn't matter what), he does not want a child.

Another BIG warning sign is that he does not see his daughter very much despite the distance. I'd move heaven & earth to see my kids regularly, including moving closer. I'd do it in a heartbeat. You yourself have said you'd do what it takes to have a child. Another concern is why after so many years together, you are not 100% clear why he doesnt see his daughter more?

That tells me he's not the parenting type. You'd be pretty much doing it alone. After having a child, the resentment would only grow whilst he does nothing whilst you do everything.

I'm actually in a similar position where my GF would like another child but I don't. Time will tell if we will stay together but the main difference between our siuation is that we already have kids and I am a hands on dad. You don't have kids and you won't have a partner who will share.

The relationship is over. You are merely delaying the inevitable.

If he said "not until I have a job and completed the probabtionary period" or "not until we've been able to buy a house" or "not until we're married" or "not until I finish XXX course/study" then that might be reasonable, but to just say 5 years seems so random

Yes, that's precisely the difference between the OP and my situation; we waited five years, and we spent those five years retraining and paying off the mortgage so that we could parent the way we wanted to, and we both contributed to that.

Niceguy, seriously, if you were unemployed, would you refuse to look for work that wasn't in your preferred and rare field, and also be comfortable spending your partner's income on expensive hobbies?

OP, has he ever worked with animals? What did he used to do for a living before becoming unemployed?

5 years = 'Not now, not soon but so far in the future that my feelings might be different to how they are now. But not so far in the future so as to definitely make you give up on me. I've nothing I want to achieve in the meantime or a list I need to tick off, I just think that after loads more years of sitting around in my pants it's possible I might have grown up'.

5 years is a stalling tactic, not a promise.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia He does do housework, but it tends to be grudgingly.

tortoiseonthehalfshell he has worked at pets@home on a temp contract but they didn't take him on perm as he didn't have the right attitude- he didn't want to work beyond his rota'd hours to finish a job, he wouldn't go above-and-beyond under any circumstances, people were making 'unreasonable demands' of him. He's also in the process of appling to volunteer at a local(ish) zoo.

I tried to spend yesterday looking at our relationship as if I'd only just walked in. He did the washing up but only after saying 'even though I did it yesterday' he basiclly got in a huff and called me an old person for getting ready to go to bed at 10pm (to get up at 6am) whilst moaning at guitar hero for 'not working' (works fine for me)

I'm going to speak to him today about what he actually wants out of relationship/ life.

oh dear, I think you know what's coming don't you?

Thinking of you rhinowatcher. Good luck. x

good luck,if he's not prepared to pull his weight then you don't need him.
Please don't let him manipulate you by making you feel guilty if you decide to end the relationship and imagine how much easier and happier your future could be x

Good luck Rhino.

It is very difficult when the rose tinted spectacles finally come off - I know, I have been there, it is very scary.

But he seems a bit of a loser, tbh. You deserve someone who has the same work ethic and plans for the future as you do.

Oh, no, he's not a freeloader - he refuses to take work that's not exactly what he wants, therefore he pays no money to support his own kid, he lives completely off someone else and doesn't even bother to do the housework, he spends money on a bunch of crap.

Puhleeze.

Rhino, kick this guy out today and treat yourself to a wonderful weekend hanging out with your friends.

This guy is a L-O-S-E-R.