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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not want to wait 5 years?

123 replies

rhinowatcher · 27/07/2010 15:29

There is a whole long story to this but I will try to condense.

I always thought I'd never want children and when I started my current relationship we both had the same view. As time went on I changed my mind and when we went through a rough patch 3/4 years ago I explained that I wanted a child, I wasn?t after one straight away, but I did want one and if we didn?t want the same thing there wasn?t much point us being together.

In the last two years I have got pregnant twice, not deliberately, I?d forgotten to take the pill a couple of days in a row. Last year I had an abortion, I didn?t particularly want to but I went through with it. When I got pregnant this year I refused to be pressured into getting rid of it. My OH?s biggest argument was that we?d never be able to afford it and I made clear that I would sell everything I owned and would live the rest of my life on bread and water if I had to, to provide for the baby. His argument falls a little flat however as he?s desperate to get a dog/ bearded dragon/ more snakes and has an obsession with buying more games/ dvds/ blu-rays.

Unfortunately an abnormality was picked up on the 12 week scan and we eventually lost a little boy. A little while after my OH admitted that by the 12 scan he was starting to get used to the idea of having a child (not that he told me) and would like to let his dad see a grandchild (due to medical condition, FIL is losing sight and is terminally ill)

Yesterday I had a talk with OH about children, thinking it might help if we had a slight plan for a change, and he told me he wants to wait at least 5 years before we start a family. I may have exploded at him slightly as I was hoping for an answer along the lines of 1-2 years. I have tried to give him my reasons- I?m not getting any younger and don?t want the chances of further problems to get any higher, his dad doesn?t have long before his eyesight goes, my job is in a good place for me to take a long time off now. But he?s not interested right now and can?t give me any real reason other than he?s not ready. He has a 13yo daughter who he sees sporadically from a previous relationship and I think this may have messed him up.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable to not want to wait?

OP posts:
ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 27/07/2010 16:28

I really don't think he wants one in five years either, though, Morris (he's not even said "in five years", just "at least five years". I think if the OP really does want a child at all (as opposed to just wanting one now) then she should move on.

And I think the major potential prickishness comes from the stringing along. There's no rule that everyone should have children, but IMO it is morally wrong to string a woman who desperately does want them along through her prime childbearing years by pretending that you want to have them eventually. The OH here may not be doing that, but he's displaying all the signs.

Original poster
rhinowatcher · 27/07/2010 16:29

sorry x-post with edxpat.
As for the abortion, I caved in when he threatened to move out. I guess that should have been my queue to leave but at the time I couldn't imagine trying to go it alone. At that time I did worry that I was making him feel 'trapped' and he had accused me of deliberately forgetting to take the pill everyday.

OP posts:
Original poster
rhinowatcher · 27/07/2010 16:37

Don't know whether this is going to make things better/ worse but he's been unemployed for a while now. It's my money he's spending on an embarrasingly large tv, two cats, 4 snakes (with 3 eggs) and his other habits.
Gods, he sounds a winner doesn't he?

OP posts:
comtessa · 27/07/2010 16:38

Okay, first things first. Never mind a baby - do you want to be with this guy at all? Does he make you feel loved? Does he make you feel wanted? Having a baby will tie you to him in some way for as long as you live.
Consider, is this the environment you want your child to grow up in, if your OH did ever agree to have children?

comtessa · 27/07/2010 16:40

And would he be willing to get rid of the snakes if there was a baby around?!

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 27/07/2010 16:46

Um. Yes, he sounds like a real winner.

He doesn't want you to leave him (charitably: because he's fond of you and wants to stay in a relationship with you. Less charitably: because he likes spending your money and wants to stay in a relationship with it.) So he's displaying just enough interest in having children to persuade you to stay (after you've lost your baby, saying that he had got used to the idea and wanted his father to see his grandchild) without committing to anything ("at least five years").

mayorquimby · 27/07/2010 16:49

Seriously why are you with him?
He's spending all your cash on useless shit and clearly doesn't want a baby which you do.
You siad earleir you were scared the first time of raising a kid on your own, well if you decide to have one with him that's exactly what you will be doing.
Chances are the only way he'll agree is if you have another accident, if it's left up to an informed choice on his part then even 5 years from now he still won't want one?

expatinscotland · 27/07/2010 18:04

K, your last post clinched it for me. He's a prick.

But that's neither here nor there.

He doesn't want kids.

Move on. Now.

LadyintheRadiator · 27/07/2010 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 27/07/2010 18:10

What Lady said.

I'm sure his daughter was an accident, too.

This guy has a lot of accidents for someone who doesn't want kids because he seems to think contraception is a woman's job.

We've all made the mistake of having relationships with losers.

The good that comes from it is when we learn we're under no obligation to carry on with them.

RunawayWife · 27/07/2010 18:48

I think your 5 year plan should be, leave this shithead, get a decent man have a baby, leave shithead to play with his toys/pets

LittleSilver · 27/07/2010 19:15

Forget the baby business for a while and address your relationship. You're young enough to meet someone else, get married and have babies without it being ridiculously late.

From an OUTSIDER'S perspective, based solely on what you are telling us, I don't believe he will ever want to settle down with a family, and in 20 years time will probably still have his embaraassingly large TV, 2 cats, 2 snakes and 3 eggs. Will you still be there?

LittleSilver · 27/07/2010 19:16

Sorry, that sounded really unsympathetic. I hope you can sort this out to YOUR satisfaction and I am sorry you'vr had some pants things happen.

cadbilly · 27/07/2010 19:19

dump him he dont want kids with you. when he wants kids hell get someone else pregnant and take the telly when he leaves you

warthog · 27/07/2010 19:23

of COURSE he doesn't want to have kids. then he'd have to GROW UP. GET A JOB etc.

you're not his oh, you're his mother.

sorry, but you really need to move on because if you want kids, you want kids. not in 5 years time. he's playing for time.

you don't have time.

if you carry on hanging on in hope, when / if he finally decides it's time, it will be too late.

BertieBotts · 27/07/2010 21:16

Funny on threads like this where loads of people say " he's a prick, leave him" and some other people turn around and say "Leave the poor bloke alone, we don't know the whole story, he might be okay, etc"

99% of the time, the OP comes back and says "Well I wasn't sure this was relevant but now that you mention it ".

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/07/2010 22:20

Look, at the end of the day, you want a child and you have that right. He doesn't want a child and he has that right. So you have to choose - life with him + no child, or leave him because you do not want to give up your right to have a child in order to stay with him.

why you would want to stay with him anyway, based on what you have typed, is another thing for you to consider!

Laquitar · 27/07/2010 23:44

28 is young. You could wait 5 years if this was what you both wanted, for financial reasons or whatever.

But if is not your decision then even 5 days -let alone 5 years- is too long to waste.

He doesn't want children and maybe he doesn't want you either-sorry.

Leave him and find a man who adores you and shares the same goals. (This from someone who has been there and thank God i left the idiot).

boiledegg1 · 28/07/2010 01:37

rhinowatcher, I am a positive person and try to see the best in any situation but to me this doesn't sound like a very sound relationship. Sorry to hear of all you have gone through.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/07/2010 01:53

It sounds exactly as though he is stringing you along, because he wants you to carry on supporting him, cooking for him, cleaning and tidying up after him (and all the wildlife too).
At what point did you get convinced that having this man - or any man- in your life was something to be hung on to at all costs?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/07/2010 01:58

Look, I don't think that wanting to wait 5 years always means doesn't want a child; my husband and I started discussing children in 2003, he was clear that he wanted to wait a few years and get some milestones under our belts. We waited, and we did the planning things he wanted to do, and then we conceived in 2008. Do I think that we would have been fine if we'd got ahead on my timetable? Yes, but I agreed to his, and he stuck to his word, and we're a very strong couple who put equal time into childcare because of it.

The difference is that he was absolutely clear about why he had that timeframe; he wanted me to finish university and work somewhere long enough to be eligible for maternity leave, he wanted to effect his own exit from a job that was totally incompatible with family life, and he wanted a certain level of financial security, which he actively worked towards.

If you said to him 3-4 years ago that you wanted a child, to which he agreed in principle, then he pressured you to terminate twice, and still doesn't want to commit in the next 5 years, then that's a whole different matter. That's him agreeing in principle but effectively saying "not for a decade". It's not on, and his reasons are crap.

If you don't want to end it, I think you need to decide what your bottom line is. If you want a child before you're 30 and he can't agree to that, then you have to leave. Well, you have to kick him out, more to the point, since you're supporting him.

And if he does agree (unlikely) I strongly recommend you also discuss the other things around childrearing. How will you save up enough, and how will finances be budgeted? What steps will he make towards finding a job, or will he be happy to be a SAHD? You HAVE to be on the same page about this stuff, because it's a million times harder to gloss over the cracks once there's a kid in the mix.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/07/2010 02:02

And also, can I suggest that if you really want a child, you start enforcing a budget now? If you stay with him or if you leave, either way you're going to need some savings, and I bet he's spending it all right now. Cut him back to a reasonable allowance, put some aside in your future-child fund, and see how he reacts.

prozacfairy · 28/07/2010 06:23

What happens though in 5 years if he says he's changed his mind, he never wants to have a baby with you? YANBU to not want to wait, but he isn't being unreasonable either because he doesn't want a baby.

If it was me I wouldn't wait around for him, although it's never easy to walk away from someone you love.

prozacfairy · 28/07/2010 06:28

God only just read the posts saying he sponges off you OP. Get rid of him now and for god sake don't have babies with him!

Was trying to be diplomatic but now I think meh, he's a plonker and a selfish, lazy one at that. You can do better than him!

PixieFrog · 28/07/2010 06:49

You have absolutely no need for this man, kick him out and enjoy your own money. You can meet some who is wonderful and truly cares for you and for all you know you could be happily settled and with child before you're 30.
Does he make you happy ever?

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