to not want to wait 5 years?

[rhinowatcher]

There is a whole long story to this but I will try to condense.

I always thought I'd never want children and when I started my current relationship we both had the same view. As time went on I changed my mind and when we went through a rough patch 3/4 years ago I explained that I wanted a child, I wasn?t after one straight away, but I did want one and if we didn?t want the same thing there wasn?t much point us being together.

In the last two years I have got pregnant twice, not deliberately, I?d forgotten to take the pill a couple of days in a row. Last year I had an abortion, I didn?t particularly want to but I went through with it. When I got pregnant this year I refused to be pressured into getting rid of it. My OH?s biggest argument was that we?d never be able to afford it and I made clear that I would sell everything I owned and would live the rest of my life on bread and water if I had to, to provide for the baby. His argument falls a little flat however as he?s desperate to get a dog/ bearded dragon/ more snakes and has an obsession with buying more games/ dvds/ blu-rays.

Unfortunately an abnormality was picked up on the 12 week scan and we eventually lost a little boy. A little while after my OH admitted that by the 12 scan he was starting to get used to the idea of having a child (not that he told me) and would like to let his dad see a grandchild (due to medical condition, FIL is losing sight and is terminally ill)

Yesterday I had a talk with OH about children, thinking it might help if we had a slight plan for a change, and he told me he wants to wait at least 5 years before we start a family. I may have exploded at him slightly as I was hoping for an answer along the lines of 1-2 years. I have tried to give him my reasons- I?m not getting any younger and don?t want the chances of further problems to get any higher, his dad doesn?t have long before his eyesight goes, my job is in a good place for me to take a long time off now. But he?s not interested right now and can?t give me any real reason other than he?s not ready. He has a 13yo daughter who he sees sporadically from a previous relationship and I think this may have messed him up.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable to not want to wait?

Have no idea why you want this man to be a father to your child. I would have thought you would want better for the baby!

I would suggest that if you are willing to sell everything you own and live on bread and water for the sake of the baby, then throwing over this idiot in order to provide the child with a better father will be a doddle!

Hmm, i think YABU a little bit anyway. In so far as you are obviously desperate for a child and he clearly is not, yet you are pressuring him to do so.

If he were him posting, I guess he'd be saying something like:

When we started our relationship my partner and I agreed we both didn't want children. As time went on, she changed her mind. I realised this was important to her and I didn't want to lose her so I've tried to get my head around the idea.

Over the last few years she seems to be increasingly obsessed with having a baby. A couple of years back she got pregnant after forgetting to take the pill. We ended up agreeing to have an abortion as I was frightened that we were not ready. I perhaps could have reacted better but it was such a shock at the time.

Earlier this year she got pregnant after"forgetting" to take the pill again. This time she refused to have an abortion and just as I was getting my head around being a father, due to an abnormality picked up during the scan, we eventually lost a little boy. I'm still coming to terms with our loss but this seems to have made DP even more determined to have a child. I suggested we wait a few more years but she's not happy with that.

In addition, I'm currently unemployed. I'm really trying to find another job but like many really struggling at the moment. To me we clearly can't afford to have a child right now but she simply replied that she'd sell everything she had and live on bread and water if she had to. I appreciate she's passionate about this but we can hardly bring a child into a world where we can't afford to eat! We're both relatively young, I'm not saying never, just not right now. Let's hang on until we're in a better position financially. Also by suggesting we wait I'm trying to reduce the pressure. Right now it seems it's always "baby baby baby". I feel under so much pressure to perform and its affecting our relationship.

Lastly I also have a 13yr old daughter from a previous relationship.. But due to how that ended, things have been difficult and I haven't been able to see her as much as I would like. This makes me worry about how things may turn out should things not work out between us.

AIBU to suggest waiting or must we have a baby now?

And in all honesty, I think the response would be:

YANBU for not wanting to have a baby in those circumstances. But if she's "increasingly obssessed" and has been for years, and you're not ready, then I think the kindest thing to do is to accept that you're not on the same page. You're probably going to have to accept that she won't be willing to wait indefinitely if she's already waited for years and suffered the loss of a child in the meantime. You've already said that you've "tried to get [your] head around the idae" - not that you actually want a child yourself.

YABU for not using contraception yourself, too, if you think that your partner is deliberately forgetting the pill - which is a nasty accusation. Use a condom.

Perhaps if you do want a child you could look at your budget and see if there's any areas you could save in? Do you have any expensive hobbies, eg?

yeah but niceguy your supposing an awful lot there for example the fact that he's looking for a job, or the fact that he doesn't see his child because of a difficult break up, not because he's a lazy fecker.
OP explained to him years ago that she had changed her mind about having children, told him straight that was what she wanted and gave him the oppportunity to end the relationship if thats not what he wanted. He chose to string her along for years making promises he has no intention of keeping because he has an easy life as it is.
He has spare money but wants to spend it on video games and crap.

he doesn't sound like the love of your life and you want completely different things. you don't think you're particularly old but you don't realise how young you are - you have got time to find someone who is on your wavelength. Life is easier with someone who is.

I know what you mean Pixie but you then are also supposing that he isn't looking for a job or that the reason he rarely sees his child is because he's lazy.

Plus he's hardly going to admit he can't be bothered to see his daughter is he so he will spin things. And that's my point I guess. That in OP's post, it will be her version of the truth and that things are rarely so black and white.

I don't think in this case everyone can (or should) write off her bloke as a lazy idle freeloader like some of you are suggesting.

She wants a child, he does not. Something has to give. Something which if you've read my recent post, is a situation I have some sympathy for.

I don't think any of us are saying that she should force him into a child, though, NiceGuy - just that if she's been wanting a child and open about that for at least three years already, and he's saying "at least five more", then the relationship can't continue - that's too disparate a set of life goals.

And while I grant you that he might be looking for work - if you were unemployed and dependent on your partner's wage, would you be pushing for a huge TV, expensive pets and other hobbies? Or would you be talking to her about the situation, budgeting together, and working towards a common goal? It's not the unemployment that's the issue, it's the spending.

Niceguy2, I understand your pov, I truely am trying to see if I was being unreasonable or whether other couple have issues like this and just move on or something.
I don't talk 'baby baby baby' all the time as it's one of the issues that gets his back up and I realise that would probably make him want to put it off even more. As for performing, it only bothers him afterwards when he asks 'you are still on the pill aren't you?' which kills any good mood I had.
As for looking for a job, he wants to work with animals, and tbh it's something he would be good at and would stick to, but opportunities are scarce to zero in that field and he doesn't want to do anything else, he flatly refuses to apply for the local large supermarkets or fast-food industry and he wouldn't enjoy them.

you are 29. If you spilt up now, you can spend a year 'having fun/getting over him', then spend a year looking for the right man, spend a year dating the right man to be certain he is the right man, marry the right man and still have a child before your current DP's deadline. In fact, find the right man quickly, and you could have had 2 before your current DP is perpared to even consider the first.

Has he proposed at any point in all this and shown commitment to you?

Dump him and start dating a grown up.

Niceguy2, In his defence he does also live a long distance from his daughter. I don't know the full story of his ex's split but he didn't see her at all for about 7 years and over the last few years he's seen her a couple of times each year. She does have slight SN which I think adds complications to visits.

rhino, this guy's a freeloader.

he won't take on any work unless it's with animals because he has you to mooch off.

honestly, he sounds like a total loser.

bin him.

YANBU.

your last post - he wants to work with animals does he????

He's too good for supermarket work, but not too good to sponge off you.

I'd be telling to apply for anything and if he must work with animals, volunteer at the local animal shelter.

5 years = amount of time chosen at random. 5 years = another way of saying 'never'

you don't sound too impressed with him OP - nor does he sound impressive!

if you want childrn, get out, get out, get out....

I had had a similar run of fortune pregnancy wise (one abnomral, one MC)at the same age and now have 2 kids.. - the road to having children can be much more messy than that, and you need someone to really support you through it rather than add a burden themselves.

Children or not he has to grow up and get a job. So boohoo he has to get a job he wont like - Welcome To The REAL WORLD fgs!

I take it he pays no maintentance for his existing child ?

and whats your dream job?
Would he support you while you're unemployed and in search of the perfect career, all the time dismissing the idea of taking other jobs completely?
What would his response be if you told him you were quitting your job because you want to work in a specific field, and if you can't do that then you will not work elswhere?
How do you feel about him?Does he make you happy?

YANBU. push harder if you are sure you want him to be the father of your child(ren). I'd give him one year and that's it.

In the meantime, tell him you are also giving up the pill and that he can be in charge of birth control now since you actually want to be pregnant.

I did this with my reluctant DH and he used condoms for a while but it definitely helped center his mind on how ludicrous it was to be avoiding pregancy with his wife of five years (at the time).

It took us four years of trying and a lot of unsuccessful infertility treatments to have a child (when I was 38) and we are extremely unlikely to have a second child so that is my word of warning for people who either want to wait or are being forced to wait until their mid-30s.

incidentally, my DH who even through the miscarriages and IVF, and up to the birth, still seemed unsure it was the right time for him to have a child couldn't be more pleased about it and only wishes now that we could have more children ...

best wishes.

no dont push or give ultimatium.read the signals, he is clearly sending you a big aint interested signal.using avoidance and excuse to try let you down

time to move on sister

all that happens is 5 years down line your likliehood of baby decreases.

given you both seem so at odds why do you want to have a baby with this man

Chandellina why should she push harder? Have you read the thread?

OP, just leave him and be in charge of your life. It will feel amazing when you are the captain of your ship whithout this pathetic man-child. And you know what they say 'you can take a horse to the water but...'.

Get a piece of paper, write down what you want, make your own plans and timetables, then take steps to achieve them.

Would you lot tell a woman to get a job in a supermarket or fast food joint instead of in the line of work they were passionate about and to stop freeloading off a man?

OP's DP sounds like a bit of a waste of space, but I often wonder how these things would work were the genders reversed.

Actually if the couple in question had no children together and the woman wanted dog/ bearded dragon etc I would tell her to get off her arse and pay for them

Yes i would Morris.

My passion was music when i was young. But i was working 70 hrs a week as nanny to make money and i was writting/perfoming evenings and weekends. Nothing to do with gender.

I would only accept refusal to work and focussing on passion/hobby if the person is exceptionally gifted on something. Otherwise i say BS and lazy excuses.

I'm not going to judge your dp. I don't know him, he might be a great guy.

However I think he's being pretty clear that he doesn't want children with you and that should be your cue to move on if you do (want children).