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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to wait 5 years?

123 replies

rhinowatcher · 27/07/2010 15:29

There is a whole long story to this but I will try to condense.

I always thought I'd never want children and when I started my current relationship we both had the same view. As time went on I changed my mind and when we went through a rough patch 3/4 years ago I explained that I wanted a child, I wasn?t after one straight away, but I did want one and if we didn?t want the same thing there wasn?t much point us being together.

In the last two years I have got pregnant twice, not deliberately, I?d forgotten to take the pill a couple of days in a row. Last year I had an abortion, I didn?t particularly want to but I went through with it. When I got pregnant this year I refused to be pressured into getting rid of it. My OH?s biggest argument was that we?d never be able to afford it and I made clear that I would sell everything I owned and would live the rest of my life on bread and water if I had to, to provide for the baby. His argument falls a little flat however as he?s desperate to get a dog/ bearded dragon/ more snakes and has an obsession with buying more games/ dvds/ blu-rays.

Unfortunately an abnormality was picked up on the 12 week scan and we eventually lost a little boy. A little while after my OH admitted that by the 12 scan he was starting to get used to the idea of having a child (not that he told me) and would like to let his dad see a grandchild (due to medical condition, FIL is losing sight and is terminally ill)

Yesterday I had a talk with OH about children, thinking it might help if we had a slight plan for a change, and he told me he wants to wait at least 5 years before we start a family. I may have exploded at him slightly as I was hoping for an answer along the lines of 1-2 years. I have tried to give him my reasons- I?m not getting any younger and don?t want the chances of further problems to get any higher, his dad doesn?t have long before his eyesight goes, my job is in a good place for me to take a long time off now. But he?s not interested right now and can?t give me any real reason other than he?s not ready. He has a 13yo daughter who he sees sporadically from a previous relationship and I think this may have messed him up.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable to not want to wait?

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/07/2010 09:31

He sounds a lazy swine.

"he has worked at pets@home on a temp contract but they didn't take him on perm as he didn't have the right attitude- he didn't want to work beyond his rota'd hours to finish a job, he wouldn't go above-and-beyond under any circumstances, people were making 'unreasonable demands' of him"

Err, get real mate. This is normal of any job nowadays. Presumably the unreasonable demands were to make him clean out the rabbit hutch or whatever.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/07/2010 12:15

Rhino: I imagine his saving graces are that he is gorgeous to look at and great in bed. Or that your previous partner was at least intimidating if not abusive, and the Lizard Ponce's laziness came across as gentleness.

But don't waste any more time or money on this cocklodger. Best of luck in finding a nice new partner who is an adult and is ready for parenthood.

squeaver · 29/07/2010 12:30

Lol at the Lizard Ponce.

Plopsie · 29/07/2010 13:08

I think you need to take control, leave him and start again with someone new. Time is on your side at the moment but in another five years time your fertility will begin to slide and at least if you jump now you can use the next two years productively - getting to know someone who is half-decent and wants the same as you do.

I wish you every success with this but please, don't stick around. He's a total dick.

warthog · 29/07/2010 20:38

he sounds absolutely dreadful. i wouldn't put up with that.

Original poster

rhinowatcher · 29/07/2010 23:30

Well we had a talk and I just feel spineless. I truely hate confrontations and handled it all wrong.
He says when he said 5 years it was a random number as he wants to get a job before he has a kid and then we can move into a better place as he'd never want to bring a kid into our current home (which I agree with) he also wants to quit smoking but I don't ever see that happening. He said that he'd probably be ready in a few years.
As I kind of expected he said I had suddenly become obsessed with babies and he felt pressured to have a kid as soon as possible.
Is he making a valid point or am I just kidding myself?

OP posts:

WetAugust · 29/07/2010 23:35

Sorry Rhino

You're kidding yourself.

Find someone who shares your goals in life - this twunt doesn't.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2010 23:37

fgs, move on

he doesn't have to understand

it doesn't matter what he thinks

let him think you are a brood mare and you see him as a sperm bank, who cares...just take off and don't look back

StayFrosty · 29/07/2010 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zazen · 29/07/2010 23:55

Good luck Rhino - even though you think you're spineless, (tsk tsk, no name calling and putting yourself down please ), I think that you're actually moving on, and that you do know what you want, and that it's dawning on you that your saddle bags are too full of this dreadful vampire specimen to get the speed you need to go for it.

I bet you'll be so much happier without this lounge lizard person dragging out of you emotionally and financially.

If you wouldn't put up with this shitty behaviour from a friend, please don't put up with it from a bf.

Dump him, and let him look after and out for himself. Don't feel guilty about how great you are. Don't try and help him. Look after your self and take time to take stock and get healthy, and grieve your little babes.

This half man half lizard is not your responsibility.
So don't give him a second thought.

Move into your future and be joyous!

SolidGoldBrass · 30/07/2010 00:21

To put a kind interpretation on it: You want children. He doesn't. Your relationship is not going to function with this huge difference in desires. Therefore you either give up on having children (and devote your life to mothering him instead) or you cut him loose and seek out a partner who does want children.
There isn;t anything inherently wrong with either wanting children or not wanting them. However, from everything you've said, this man doesnt just not want to have a child with you, he is actively cocklodging off you and telling you what he thinks you want to hear so he keeps getting his dinner cooked, his pants washed, his dick sucked and his pocket money given him. Is he really that good a shag?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 30/07/2010 00:41

I bet he's not. Men like this rarely are. They don't want to go over and above their rota'd hours, after all.

skidoodly · 30/07/2010 01:08

He's never going to get a job because he's unemployable.

So if you have to wait for that, you'll be waiting forever.

chandellina · 30/07/2010 08:02

i think some of these replies are so unnecessarily harsh.

SO many guys have hesitation and doubt about having kids, as do many women, and I don't see why this, added in with a sketchy work history, immediately marks him as a time-wasting loser.

I am all for leaving behind the wrong person who can't commit to a future, but maybe the OP actually loves this man and wants him to be father to her children?

nooka · 30/07/2010 08:31

Interesting that she has never once said anything along those lines though. I really think that those are the only reasons to have children with someone.

expatinscotland · 30/07/2010 09:53

What SGB wrote.

DTMFA.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/07/2010 11:38

Chandellina - it's not the fact that he's hesitating about having DC, it's the fact that he's expecting the OP to support him in his expensive hobbies indefinitely that are leading people to call him a cocklodging parasite.

GetOrfMoiLand · 30/07/2010 11:43

He is a bearded dragon fancier. That alone would put me off.

OP - you are deluding yourself. You don't want to wake up tomorrow at the age of 32 or whatever and still find that Dragonman is still playing guitar hero and dreaming of being Steve Irwin.

expatinscotland · 30/07/2010 12:26

From what is common knowledge about Steve Irwin, too, there weren't enough hours in the day for him to work. Bet he never saw an 'unreasonable demand' or 'that's over my contracted hours' in his life.

Ladyface · 30/07/2010 13:08

Pmsl at "bearded dragon fancier".

OP - Sorry for all the crap you have been through. At 28 I was in a similar situation, kept getting fobbed off by my bf of 9 years that "one day" we would get married and have kids. Two years later I finally realised that nothing had changed and I was still paying the mortgage while he sat on his arse playing playstation and smoked joints. He too wanted a "life less ordinary" but never got off his backside to do anything about it. I packed my bag and never looked back.

Don't leave it too long, OP. It took me 4 years to meet DH and we now have a dd. However, I am now 39 and have been trying for dc no.2 for over a year now so don't delay once you know what you want.

scottishmummy · 30/07/2010 14:49

op does indeed want baby with dragon man.the irrefutable part is he doesnt want baby with her

nooka · 31/07/2010 02:32

But does the OP want a baby, or does she want a baby with her current partner? There is sometimes a difference.

nappyaddict · 23/08/2010 00:56

Only read OP so sorry if this has been said already. I would worry that he is saying he will want a child in 5 years but in the meantime he will fuck off, or then decide in 5 years time it's still too soon. However even if you leave this man, in reality it could still be 5 years before you have a baby. There's the time it may take to find someone else who you would want a long term relationship with, then getting to know them well enough and be in a stable enough relationship to even think about trying for a baby, then obviously the 9 months it takes to be pregnant.

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