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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

friend is 34 and still a virgin.

79 replies

JoannaLewis · 26/07/2010 00:35

I'd really like your opinions as I can see my friend's point of view and respect her for her choice. Other people, mostly my sisters, have started pointing out that this is actually rather strange. She's never had a boyfreind and is not a lesbian. She is very cute and really quite pretty. She's just very awkward with guys.

OP posts:

booyhoo · 26/07/2010 00:36

you sont sound like you are respecting her choice much at all really. what exactly is it you are seeking opinions on? it is none of your business.

FallingWithStyle · 26/07/2010 00:39

She might NEVER have sex. Its an option you know.
What is your concern?

BitOfFun · 26/07/2010 00:40

Yes, why does it bother you? And don't you think it is odd to post very personal information about somebody under a real name?

hester · 26/07/2010 00:40

How can we have an opinion? We don't know her, and even if we did it would be none of our business.

There is a seeming contradiction in your post. You say it's her choice, then go on to say she's awkward with guys (implying it's because she isn't successful with them). If it's her choice, no justification or judging is needed. If it's not her choice, then she needs you to be a friend to her, not suggesting her situation is 'strange'.

Anyway, I'm leaving the thread because out of respect for your friend I don't want to hear any more about her personal life.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 26/07/2010 00:42

Good for her!There's nothing strange about it, it's her choice.

Original poster

JoannaLewis · 26/07/2010 00:44

I am seeking opinions on if this is 'normal'. I don't know anyone else in RL that has never had a boyfriend at least by this age. I'd like someone else to say they know so and so, or cousin, sister etc are still waiting for the one. How many people do you know that are still a virgin.

OP posts:

booyhoo · 26/07/2010 00:46

of course it is normal. it is normal for her and that is teh only parameter by which you can judge because sex is not like education. it si entirely individual and doesn't follow a curriculum. are you trying to imply your friend has a problem because she hasn't had sex?

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 26/07/2010 00:46

I'd ask how 'many people do you know who have lost their virginity and regretted it' instead.

booyhoo · 26/07/2010 00:47

and it is irrelevant how many people we all know that are virgins because this is about your 'friend' and no-one else. dont judge her by your standards.

Original poster

JoannaLewis · 26/07/2010 00:49

Yes I do understand that she might never have sex and I'm fine with that because this is her life and her choice. But is it common? Is it more common than I think. This is all I'm asking. (Not an opinion/judgment on her iykwim)

This is not my real name. I'm just a big johnlewis fan.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 26/07/2010 00:51

That sounds to me a rather strange thing to need to know about , and a little prurient.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 26/07/2010 00:52

I have a friend who is 33, she's still living at home with her parents, never had a boyfriend. I don't think it's as common as it was. My aunt never had a boyfriend, it happens. Who cares?

booyhoo · 26/07/2010 00:54

why are you fine with that? surely you are indifferent to it? it isn't a thing for you to be fine or not fine about. yes it is common for people who remain virgins. it is not common for people who dont. you cannot judge this by what everyone else is doing or has done. it is an individual thing and not a societal thing. defining it as uncommon or abnormal implies that she is doing something wrong or that she needs help with. that is only your opinion based on your standards which are irrelevant in this case.

SolidGoldBrass · 26/07/2010 00:56

WTF has it got to do with you, or anyone else? If your friend had approached you saying she would like to have boyfriends/sex/a long term relationship and asking for advice, then it would be your business, but only then. Some people, quite a lot of them actually, are simply not interested in sex, or couplehood. People like this are fine when left to make their own minds up: fuckwitted normative mundanes trying to force them to conform by attaching themselves to the nearest desperate single loser that can be found, do them a lot of harm.

FallingWithStyle · 26/07/2010 01:01

Fuckwited Normative Mundanes

That is really quite special. Just need to engineer an appropriate occasion to use it...

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 26/07/2010 01:03

That's lovely FallingWithStyle

scanty · 26/07/2010 01:11

Jeeze, why does this remind me of a 'new' friend telling me about the conversation she had with my mum and sister about their concerns about my believed virginity. FFS, if you are close to her and concerned, surley you can and do discuss these things!

fatwildwoman · 26/07/2010 01:13

Oh, c'mon, maybe this isn't a friend, but a "friend". Theres no pressure on you JoannaLewis, or anyone else, to have sex, ever. Don't let anyone tell you there is. And don't feel you are a desperate single loser. Really.
Be happy. Sex is vastly overrated - mostly

Original poster

JoannaLewis · 26/07/2010 01:17

Yes I am indifferent to it, and it really does never cross my mind. I'm asking because of a conversation we had today. She had told someone at work today that she had never had a boyfriend. They then said "so you're still a virgin?"

This made her feel uneasy. We've had these convos before and I always tell her that it's her choice and it's her life and not to feel bad. But the truth is she does feel bad about confessing to never having had a boyfriend, usually because of that sort of reaction. It's normal for me too by the way. I've known her for 17 years now so it's no big deal and despite what you guys are reading into this, I'm not judging her or gathering opinions on whether 'she is strange'. Just is it common?

And who cares? I'm just curious.

OP posts:

MummyWithA1Family · 26/07/2010 01:19

OMG I love the term 'fuckwitted normative mundanes!! What a great saying. Sorry OP I'm with everyone else on this. If you're a true friend you would accept her choice and wouldn't even define her by her virginity which it what is coming across. I was considered 'abnormal' by others for not having sex with a random stranger by the time I was 16 (which is what most of the people judging me had done). I therefore did something I regretted I lost my virginity to my then boyfriend just to be seen as 'normal'. If I had waited until 'the one' came along I would've been 30 and it would've been to my now DH. How I wish society would leave others to live their own life and stop singling individuals out if they don't conform to the masses.

I have to ask though, did your friend tell your sisters she's a virgin? It would seem very strange if she did unless she felt she was close to them. If, and I hope it wasn't, it was you that told your sisters that your bf was a virgin then I don't know how you could call her your bf then go around telling her most intimate secrets to your sisters and possibly others too. If that's what happened then I feel truely sorry for your friend.

PS It doesn't matter whether your friend is 'cute' or pig ugly, it's her life, her body and therefore her choice!

MummyWithA1Family · 26/07/2010 01:22

Sorry I typed this before you'd replied last so some things may be crossed.

booyhoo · 26/07/2010 01:22

well, how can we know if it is common. do you mean common for women, common in your area, common in the uk(assuming you are), common in europe. common across the world? we cant tell you if it is common or not. if she is religious and doesn't believe in sex before marriage then i imagine it is quite common in her religious circle of unmarried friends for example. we can't answer that question.

Original poster

JoannaLewis · 26/07/2010 01:23

By the way SolidGoldBrass, she does approach me for advice on boyfriends/sex/a long term relationship. I'm not trying to make her comply with my 'fuckwitted normative mundane' ideologies!

OP posts:

scanty · 26/07/2010 01:25

well still, so what? I had never had a proper boyfriend but was no virgin - everything isn't always all sensible and cut and dried!

Original poster

JoannaLewis · 26/07/2010 01:29

MummywithA1Family No my sisters don't know she is a virgin. I don't discuss my freind's conversations or personal business with anyone else ...hence why I'm asking on MN!

OP posts:

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