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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

friend is 34 and still a virgin.

79 replies

JoannaLewis · 26/07/2010 00:35

I'd really like your opinions as I can see my friend's point of view and respect her for her choice. Other people, mostly my sisters, have started pointing out that this is actually rather strange. She's never had a boyfreind and is not a lesbian. She is very cute and really quite pretty. She's just very awkward with guys.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 26/07/2010 01:30

Never having a boyfriend /husband does not = never had sex

Original poster
JoannaLewis · 26/07/2010 01:31

booyhoo I meant just common as in your circle of friends? Yes MN is my touchstone to the real world.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 26/07/2010 01:35

JoannaLewis - what is the actual question you are posing?

Am I being Unreasonable.... (?)

booyhoo · 26/07/2010 01:35

"Other people, mostly my sisters, have started pointing out that this is actually rather strange" this in reference to your thread title.

yet you have just said your sisters dont know.

anyway, even if it was uncommon among my circle of friends, i dont see how it would benefit you or yor friend in any way as she is none of my friends. she is herself with her own mind and reasons for why she is a virgin. which is a perfectly valid life choice for as long as she chooses to remain so.

Original poster
JoannaLewis · 26/07/2010 01:36

MummywithA1Family they don't know she is a virgin from ME. They know her from the community. Plus my younger sister has worked with her and knows her other friends. My elder sister goes to the gym with her and also knows her elder sister.

OP posts:
FallingWithStyle · 26/07/2010 01:41

It doesn't matter. Really doesn't.

If the situation troubles you in some way then I think a good course of action would be to remind anyone who brings up this situation with you (sisters, work colleagues, community) that its nobody's business and is in fact very odd that they're all so very interested in what does or does not enter this womans vagina.

Original poster
JoannaLewis · 26/07/2010 01:41

Thanks for your opinions. goodnight

OP posts:
CoinOperatedGirl · 26/07/2010 01:55

I had a 90yo patient once who was a lovely woman. She was very fond of announcing that she had never been touched. She lived a full and interesting life and was a fascinating character. Sex does not define anyone, who the hell cares. Leave her be.

caramelwaffle · 26/07/2010 02:14

Well put, FallingWithStyle.

BaggedandTagged · 26/07/2010 02:37

There are a lot of people out there who are basically just not interested in sexual relationships. In fact this has been observed in pretty much all species so hardly surprising that there are a few people like that too.

Our society puts so much emphasis on something that is a pretty minor part of life that it marks these people out. Being a virgin is now more taboo than being a dogger which is why many such people just avoid the subject when pressed.

I know 3 people in their thirties who are basically asexual (not sure if they are virgins). They have amazing social lives, lots of friends and good jobs. Are definitely the right side of average looks wise but are just not interested in sexual relationships.

MilkNoSugarPlease · 26/07/2010 07:19

"MummywithA1Family No my sisters don't know she is a virgin. I don't discuss my freind's conversations or personal business with anyone else ...hence why I'm asking on MN!"

The Irony of that is quite amusing!

There's no such thing as "normal" btw, but if I was her...and am in the same situation except I am 12 yrs younger...I'd actually be really hurt that you came on here to talk about it.

You don't seem to want advise or yabu/yanbu....just letting us know you have this friend

I think I should delete this message and replace it with a

Rockbird · 26/07/2010 07:25

I'm not even sure what the hell you are asking here??

Is your friend being unreasonable for being a virgin? Absolutely not, how ridiculous!

Are you being unreasonable for being bothered enough to come and post on here? Yep, none of your business.

Do you and your sisters sound like load of cackling witches with nothing better to talk about? Hell yes. Who needs enemies, eh?

uptooearly · 26/07/2010 07:40

What a strange OP - you clearly do have a problem with your friend's virginity, otherwise you wouldn't be on here. Do you speculate on everyone's sexual activity? You do know that there are people out there who may have lost their virginity but for a variety of reasons may not have had sex for a long time? Are you going to come on here and post about that too?

I have a lovely friend who's nearly 40 and has never had sex, and only a couple of very brief relationships that never went anywhere. Sometimes she brings her situation up and we talk about it, but it's her choice to do so, and I would never dream of judging or defining her by her lack of sexual experience. It's completely irrelevant.

The idea that you, your family and 'the community' all have an opinion on your poor friend's virginity is, frankly, creepy.

Rockbird · 26/07/2010 07:44

And why are you 'fine' with the fact she may never have sex? She's 34 not 94, she arguably has another 50 or so years to have the sex that you and your gossiping siblings seem so desperate for her to have. If she wants to.

LouAnnVanHouten · 26/07/2010 07:58

Its normal within my circle of friends.

I know lots of people you didn't shag their way through their 20s.

I didn't have sex until I was married.

For some people sex is not a hobby. Some people attach a meaning to it. Other people do it privately and don't tell their gossipy friends.

Lots of people (virgin or not) would feel uncomfortable if asked a direct question about their sex lives at work.

My bf is a vigin at 34 but she is in a relationship.

Are you fine with this .

hth

MaamRuby · 26/07/2010 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reallytired · 26/07/2010 08:26

SO what? Provided she is happy then that is what counts. I am sure there are some women on the relationships board who wish they were still virgins and not in a particular relationship.

Not having sexing by 34 is not illegal

stripeyknickersspottysocks · 26/07/2010 08:35

I had sex with 30 blokes at uni, none of whom were a boyfriend.

Is she happy?

mamasmissionimpossible · 26/07/2010 08:36

I have a friend who is still a virgin at 33, never seen a problem. I feel good on her for waiting until the right time.

Thing1Thing2 · 26/07/2010 08:40

I am so so angry by this OP.

It could have been describing me. It's like eavesdropping on people having a gossip about my private life. ABOUT THINGS THAT DO NOT CONCERN THEM. And that are very personal and private.

At 34 - I had had a few meaningless very short time relationships (and I had had sex a few times). But I never discussed this with anyone because it was no ones business. I was ashamed and embarressed that I had not had a "proper" relationship. And any discussions on the matter would have inevitably led to prying about the exact nature of my brief relationships - relationships that I was not proud of and that I did not want to discuss with all and sundry - especially gossipy types like you. The sort of people that if you tell one person in a confidential way, you know that it will be then be discussed with everyone and be common knowledge. You know the sort if people I mean - people like you.

As far as anyone was concerned I was a virgin.

At 39 I met a wonderful man - we married at when I was 40 - conceived when I was 41 and had twins at 42. I have never been happier. But I did lead a very full and happy life in my 20s and 30s.

You are no friend.

Mind your own business.

twolittlemonkeys · 26/07/2010 08:44

Seems normal enough to me, but then for religious reasons I waited until I was married as did DH (I was almost 21 he was 29) I know a fair few people in my church circle of friends who are in their 30s and still virgins. No biggie.

30andMerkin · 26/07/2010 08:56

I think people are being a little harsh on the OP.

I have a close friend, of a similar age, in a similar situation. I understand what you're saying Thing1, but this is a girl I've known since we were teenagers, and we've had hundreds of late night conversations about boys and who she fancies etc etc so it's not just idle gossip.

The reason I am concerned about my friend's lack of experience with men is because I feel she is missing out on chances for fun, and happiness, and love. I'm not saying you can't have those things without a relationship, but if you want them then at some point you have to relax your boundaries a little and let a partner in, and that could be scary or embarrassing or all the rest of it, but given that most of us here are in relationships, I reckon most of here would say it's a risk worth taking.

I also think that in today's world, actually being a 30-something virgin is quite unusual, and people do tend to make a biggish deal out of it, which makes it harder for someone who's very inexperienced with men to have the confidence to meet/date without sleeping with anyone.

Just my thoughts.

Thing1Thing2 · 26/07/2010 09:09

30andMerkin - you sound like a close friend. I did discuss my situation with a couple of close friends.

But certainly not with work colleagues. And certainly not with people that would post about me on the internet.

The OP is not a close friend of the person in question. She is just being noisy.

HSMM · 26/07/2010 09:21

I know someone who was married and he and his wife were still virgins into their 40s (and maybe beyond). Not a problem for them, or me.

MumNWLondon · 26/07/2010 09:23

I also mix in religious circles, and whilst people generally get married young as sex out side marriage is not considered acceptible, I would not find this unusual or odd at all.

TBH most of the women who I know in this situation are desperate to get married... so I wouldn't really say its always a choice.

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