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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

friend is 34 and still a virgin.

79 replies

JoannaLewis · 26/07/2010 00:35

I'd really like your opinions as I can see my friend's point of view and respect her for her choice. Other people, mostly my sisters, have started pointing out that this is actually rather strange. She's never had a boyfreind and is not a lesbian. She is very cute and really quite pretty. She's just very awkward with guys.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 26/07/2010 09:23

I admire her resolve. I had a hard enough time sitting on it till 2 days past my 16th birthday.

purplepeony · 26/07/2010 09:31

Does she want a boyfriend?

Maybe you could be a good friend and if she is very shy, suggest she has something like confidence coaching, or counselling.

There are some people who are simply asexual; they aren't really bothered on way or another. Maybe that's her.

If she is crippled by shyness, then maybe she needs help to get that sorted.

LynetteScavo · 26/07/2010 09:31

But I don't think it's due to her resolve, expat, I think it's due to the occasion never arrising.

I have a friend in her 30 who isn't a virgin, but has never had a boyfriend. (she has had sex with several people who are in relationships

Your friend most certainly isn't being unreasonable.

If she's asking for advice on finding a partner, then certainly help her out, but don't make an issue of her virginity. It is unusual at her age, but I wouldn't say it's strange.

purplepeony · 26/07/2010 09:36

Thing1- I 'd say you are being very judgemental about the OP because of that huge chip on your own shoulder.

If this is a close friend of hers, then she is not being nosy- they have we assume, discussed this.

Your own experiences are not something you are proud of- you say people thought you were a virgin ( did they? Did they say that?) but you knew you had had a few flings-possibly with married men?

I don't think you are in a position to throw stones.

Casmama · 26/07/2010 09:43

I think suggesting that Thing1 may have had flings with married simply because these were brief relationships she was not proud of is a bit of a leap! There can be many reasons that people are not proud of relationships - she had sex but was not in love, the man involved was not particularly special - many other possibilities.
OP if your friend would like to have a relationship then perhaps you could help her to socialise with more men on a friendship level to help her become more confident around the opposite sex which may make it easier for her.

Thing1Thing2 · 26/07/2010 09:47

PP - my virginity or lack of was never discussed. I was very lucky that no one was so rude as to ask me at work in public (unlike OPs "friend").

I just presume that is what everyone thought as I never talked about ex-boyfriends and most people had known me for a very long time - so thats the obvious conclusion. A bit life the OPs "friend".

None of my flings were with men involved in a relationship with someone else.

LadyintheRadiator · 26/07/2010 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShirleyKnot · 26/07/2010 09:51

I'm shocked that someone would ASK a 34 year old woman if she were still a virgin.

Surely the reply to that question would be "Fuck off you nosy bastard"?

BongoWinslow · 26/07/2010 09:59

I really don't see why you even give it any thought

swanandduck · 26/07/2010 11:24

What exactly has it got to do with you? What a strange thread you have started. I think you need to get a life of your own and stop worrying about, and consulting a website about, something that is entirely your friend's business. There are 30 and 40 and 50 year old virgins around, you know. They're not freaks, they have just made a decision not to sleep with someone they're not married to.

beanlet · 27/07/2010 12:47

Leave her alone.

My sister was 28 when she met her first BF (now DH). Nobody dies of virginity.

MamaVoo · 27/07/2010 13:15

Not sure if I'm brave enough to post having read all the above.

I have a friend who's 34, lives with her parents, never had a boyfriend and is still a virgin. Of course that's nobody's business and a perfectly valid way to live your life. But in my friend's case I think her crippling shyness and awkwardness in the presence of people she doesn't know has really hampered her life and her happiness. I'd love for her to meet someone because I know, apart from anything else, that she'd love to be a mother.

ReshapeWhileDamp · 27/07/2010 13:18

Is she happy? If yes, then I'd say it's none of your concern. If she isn't happy with her intact status then maybe you could talk to her about why she finds it difficult to get on with potential partners. But from what you say, she's happy with her choice.

It is a choice, you know, not mandatory. It really shouldn't bother you - what sort of friend is affronted that her friend is a virgin, ffs?

I was a virgin until nearly 25, btw. Didn't kill me.

Rockbird · 27/07/2010 13:19

Hoping someone would meet someone nice is a totally different kettle of fish to going because they haven't ever had sex.

Morloth · 27/07/2010 13:23

Her body, her choice.

swanandduck · 27/07/2010 13:23

MamaVoo, that's a different issue because what you're saying is that you know your friend would love to meet someone and have a family and you're concerned that her shyness is stopping her. You didn't barge straight in with concerns that she's 'still a virgin' as if that is the most important thing. In fact I think your post shows how crass the opening post is. I sometimes get concerned about people that I know who would love to get married and have a family but for whom it's not happening. I don't get concerned about the fact that they're 'still a virgin', but about the fact that they're not happy being single.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 27/07/2010 13:42

I'm not sure the OP deserves this level of bashing. It sounds like she knows this woman well and is concerned about what she sees as her friend missing out on relationships/sex/marriage/children - things most people enjoy.

Agree though that if she's happy and not interested in any of it, then stop nosing, leave her alone and tell your sisters and anyone else to mind their own business.

If she would rather be in a relationship/having sex but something is stopping her, you can maybe help her with whatever it is. Could be medical or psychological or anything.

FWIW I hate being asked about my sex life and always tell everybody that I'm saving myself for marriage (a massive and obvious lie), which tends to shut down the conversation nicely.

stressheaderic · 27/07/2010 14:22

Didn't realise asexuality was as common as it appears to be, by this thread.

I have a friend in similar situation to OPs. Still lives at home, very involved in family life, goes everywhere with her mother.

I've often wondered to myself if she is truly happy with herself, but she has never brought up the subject, so nor have I. I just let her get on with it really.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/07/2010 14:44

I think that as it doesn't affect you, or any of your friends in any way, shape or form, that it's not something that you need to worry about or concern yourselves with.

Rockbird · 27/07/2010 14:47

The OP doesn't sound concerned to me, she sounds nosy and gossipy and covering it in a bit of sugar so she comes over all sweetness and light, which isn't working.

domesticsluttery · 27/07/2010 14:51

This might interest you.

porcamiseria · 27/07/2010 14:52

and your point is................????

ChilledChick2 · 28/07/2010 23:04

If you confided in a friend about some intimate stuff and they talked about it on an internet forum, would you trust them again?

Your friend needs to be very wary of who she chooses as friends in future or at least what personal info she chooses to divulge.

Fibilou · 28/07/2010 23:12

joanna, I have a male friend the same age who sounds exactly the same. He is a virgin as well, he is just so embarassed around girls that he doesn't know what to do or say. Maybe we should set him up with your freind

said · 28/07/2010 23:13

The OP sounds like she is fishing for info for an article to write. Especially this post "I am seeking opinions on if this is 'normal'. I don't know anyone else in RL that has never had a boyfriend at least by this age. I'd like someone else to say they know so and so, or cousin, sister etc are still waiting for the one. How many people do you know that are still a virgin."

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