I am a mumsnet regular, however I've never started a topic in AIBU, so please be gentle with me but I genuinely need to know if I am being unreasonable.
Bit of background: I have 2 children aged almost 3 and 18 months. My husband left me for a 21 yr old in October 2009 (short version of this, long one in relationships somewhere ). So I am a single parent bringing up 2 DCs on my own.
I do not have stairs as I live in a flat, so rather than a naughty step, my DD gets sent to stand by the front door when she behaves appallingly. This seems to work quite well for her and then after a few minutes I have a chat with her about why she shouldn't have done X and go and say sorry to Y. If she does something even more horrendous I take her favourite toy away for a set period of time after a warning. Anyway this works well for her at the moment and her behaviour is improving lately. I know there is still room for improvement in how I deal with things and am swatting up on books at the moment though.
My son has recently begun to throw tantrums when I say "no" to something. This usually involves flinging himself backwards and screaming and kicking his legs. He usually calms down after a few minutes. Distraction often works as well I find, as he is so small and tricky to reason with. In fact my son is very tenacious and goes back to things over and over again, that he knows he shouldn't do. So I try to arrange my flat to be child proofed to the best of my ability, to avoid these constant battles and the ones I cannot avoid I try to be consistent on. However when he is very tired sometimes his tantrums become more extreme and he may hit out at me. I usually say a firm "no" and he stops.
Anyway (sorry for the long explanation) today at my parents he kept repeatedly trying to do something, I'd tried saying "no", tried distraction, tried taking elsewhere etc and eventually he got very frustrated and very cross and hit out at me, I said a firm "no" and he stopped. He was very tired, it had been a long day and I was leaving theirs soon. My Dad at that point told me I should have smacked him and I said "surely when I'm trying to teach him that lashing out isn't acceptable, it makes no sense to smack him, to teach him to stop smacking me?" He walked off out of the room at that point cross with me. In fact several previous times at my parents, they have taken it upon themselves to smack my children on their wrist, when they're doing something they do not agree with. Which I've found tricky, they do not warn them first and sometimes it seems extremely minor the reason they've chosen. I suspect some of their reasoning is that now I'm a single parent, they think I need some help to bring the children up My mum also told me today that if I do not come down hard on him and then at school they're not allowed to challenge childrens behaviour properely anymore either, that basically he'll become a tear away as a teenager. I said he's not going to become a tear away, I do not give in to him and remain consistent when he throws tantrums and I said he is only 18 months and his sister was tricky at this age as well.
I know my parents have a problem with the fact that smacking is something I am not keen on, I have been known in the heat of the moment to do it and have felt awful afterwards but I know that it is not the best option and I try very hard to use other methods. But am I being unreasonable to not smack my son when he throws a tantrum and lashes out at me? Is he going to turn into a tear away if I do not discipline him more harshly at 18 months? I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not a good enough parent, my parents smacked me so much as a child though and I do not want it to be the first resort with my children
Sorry it's so long. So what do you think ladies (or gents)?