Not giving my DS's friend an ice cream after he didn't even try his dinner?

[whoopdeedoo]

My DS's best friend from school came over to play and for tea today. I dread it when he does as he is such a handful, climbs on everything, pretty rude and just doesn't listen, drives me mad....today I stopped him opening the cupboards in the kitchen right in front of me and asked what he was doing - "looking for a snack" came the reply . I said I would cook dinner - did he like rice - no. OK - do you like pasta - yes. Do you like sausages? Yes. So I made sausage pasta.

Once on the table I get "I don't like it" and he refused to even try a piece of sausage. I am pretty strict with my DC's eating their dinner before being allowed dessert - if they don't eat enough of their main meal they don't get one and they don't get any other food before bed - pretty simple and effective for us. My DC's both ate their meals, encouraged by the temptation of ice cream to follow. But DS's friend did not eat anything at all. I was left wondering if it was cruel/not my place to refuse the friend an ice cream, but feeling that it was unfair and a bad example to set my DC's to give him one after they did as they were asked.

Luckily the friend's mum turned up to collect him and in all the fuss the ice creams were momentarily forgotten so I dodged the issue, but AIBU to not want to give him an ice cream?

"Sorry but this idea that fussy children will eat anything if only you let them go hungry is ridiculous."

Completely agree because we tried it with DS1 and it didn't bloody work. What does work is patience and kindness.

I, for instance, do not judge parents with incredibly tantrumy children, however, parents of fussy eaters are seen as fair game.

DS often comes home not having eaten Posie, he is not a fussy eater at all, but if they are having too much fun, why interrupt it to feed them?

No biggy, I just get him something at home.

Also have a memory of sitting at a friends dinner table as a child and being presented with steak with a cream sauce. I was a very good eater at home but had never seen a cream sauce on meat before. I remember feeling horrible and the relief when my friend's Mum said I didn't have to eat it was incredible. My friends still ate theirs and we all got dessert.

Also, individually, I like parma ham, chocolate ice-cream and feta cheese but would not relish a mixture of all three! This is probably how your small friend regarded the sausage pasta.

And he is only four! Give the child a break!

Having two fussy eaters scarred me! I thought I was a rubbish parent because mine were so fussy. And quite clearly some other people thought that they were fussy because I was a rubbish parent.

But hey, they are now 17 and 20 and they are STILL pretty fussy - genuinely fussy. Whatever it is they've tried it, and often they don't like it whatever their mates say. So it wasn't just me being manipulated by them.

And Hey Two - despite a lifelong rejection of broccoli and addiction to Haribo they are both healthy, fit, happy, successful, well behaved, popular and they have no fillings.

I have one (former) fussy eater and one that will eat anything.

me too crackfox. 2 that eat normally and 1 who is so particular it is untrue. BUT if he goes to tea with someone, he eats the bits he can, and I have told him to say he is full up. Last week he had a teensy bit of spag bol at someones house and a plate full of strawberries. That to me is fine, I will do him something when he gets home.

It has never bothered me if a child won't eat at mine, if they just eat the dessert that is fine, as long as you mention to mum after that he/she has not eaten much.

I thought the "slimy" sauce comment was particularly rude.

Regarding the child, I'd have been more worried about the cupboards thing - maybe ask his mother how she'd feel about having a 'it's not polite to look in stranger's cupboards, and you should ask if you want food' conversation with him?

I think if my child had been a guest at someone's house and had been given ice cream without even trying the main course, I'd have been a bit miffed. I don't agree that they should be made to eat everything, but they should at least learn that new isn't always bad, and that people cook things in different ways, so sometimes someone else's cooking could be better than/different to mine with some dishes, so it's worth at least trying.

Even with adults, I suspect being picky about food is more often a psychological issue than an actual physical one. (Not saying physical oversensitivity etc doesn't exist, just it's less rare than pickyness.) Psychological issues can sometimes be overcome more easily in childhood than once they're ingrained in your thirties, so it's probably fair to at least initially try to train children to consider new/unsusual foods.

I have no hang ups about my dcs at other people's houses because I am a good parent and I can ensure that 95% of meal times they eat a wide range of decent food...

Same as pretentious parents who insist on healthy food at parties, always got something to prove.

"so it's probably fair to at least initially try to train children to consider new/unsusual foods."

Do you honestly think parents with fussy eating children haven't thought and/or tried that.

It is stressful, upsetting and annoying having a fussy eater. Their parents will have tried everything to change the situation often to no avail.

this kid was 4???? seriously????

bang out of order, to let another parents child not eat!!! cos of "standards"

I think YABU. I would have offreed him a jam sarnie and a banana or something and allowed him the ice cream.

In the words of my 8 year old ds you sound like a well tight Mum.

Stop inviting him if it's so bloomin difficult.

do people really think its bad parenting to have a fussy eater?

My ILS are very strict, DH and oldest BIL will eat anything and everything, younger BIL is super fussy and only eats the plainest food.

My Dsis had a child psychologist in for her non eater, within three four weeks of relaxing feeding the appetite up, by giving the child anything it wanted, had the little boy trying new foods. His food aversion was linked to a bad tummy bug when he was 7-9mths old.

I share your eat-up-or-no-dessert rule but I think tomato-y pasta is a pretty big expectation on a 4/5 year old, when many parents don't feed their kids anything covered in sauce til later on (you're right to do so, of course, I'm just not at all surprised a not-yet-5-year-old would take one look and refuse it). He probably imagined non-saucey pasta with two distinct sausges on the side.

Bonsoir Tue 20-Jul-10 21:18:54

"DD has a friend for lunch tomorrow - she chose Gnocchi with Gorgonzola Sauce for her visitor."

Ha ha, you are joking right? Oh.

I too, remember the school dinner ladies leaving you sitting there until you finished your meal, it was cold, it made me gag. It is still vivid in my mind.

I would never force a child to eat anything.

i predict another thread along these lines after that lunch!

My mum forced me to eat green beans when I was about 9....I didn't eat them again willingly for about 25 years!!

we don't live in the uk anymore and it is interesting to see how children outside the uk aren't expected to exist on a bland diet of 'kids food' (at least this seems to be hte case, i haven't done a scientific study) but instead eat mainly what the adults eat, i.e. not chicken nuggets/baked beans. You also don't see any obsese children..

I can't believe how rude people have been about the op's very reasonable question and very reasonable choice of food. My dd is expected to try something once and if she doesn't like it, fine, she can leave it but it drives me MAD when people are, IMO, ridiculously fussy and precious. Lots of talk about how guests should be treated with courtesy, agree, but it is also rude to go to someone's house and not attempt to try a little of what's put in front of you, token effort and all that. It's not like the op was contemplating force feeding him anyway?!

my fil refuses to eat anything other than meat (cooked until it is black), potatos and anything deep fried. we went to venice with him and he refused to try any pasta because it was "weird". i blame the parents

I'm actually going to brave the heat and hit the shops for some gnocchi and gorgonzola, mmmm yummie!

There is no telling with kids. DS1 likes Roquefort. It stinks and tastes as bad as it smells in my opinion but there is no accounting for taste.

I don't do kid food, am far too lazy.