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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not giving my DS's friend an ice cream after he didn't even try his dinner?

294 replies

whoopdeedoo · 20/07/2010 20:33

My DS's best friend from school came over to play and for tea today. I dread it when he does as he is such a handful, climbs on everything, pretty rude and just doesn't listen, drives me mad....today I stopped him opening the cupboards in the kitchen right in front of me and asked what he was doing - "looking for a snack" came the reply . I said I would cook dinner - did he like rice - no. OK - do you like pasta - yes. Do you like sausages? Yes. So I made sausage pasta.

Once on the table I get "I don't like it" and he refused to even try a piece of sausage. I am pretty strict with my DC's eating their dinner before being allowed dessert - if they don't eat enough of their main meal they don't get one and they don't get any other food before bed - pretty simple and effective for us. My DC's both ate their meals, encouraged by the temptation of ice cream to follow. But DS's friend did not eat anything at all. I was left wondering if it was cruel/not my place to refuse the friend an ice cream, but feeling that it was unfair and a bad example to set my DC's to give him one after they did as they were asked.

Luckily the friend's mum turned up to collect him and in all the fuss the ice creams were momentarily forgotten so I dodged the issue, but AIBU to not want to give him an ice cream?

OP posts:
maduggar · 21/07/2010 08:44

How funny! Im laughing at all the sausage pasta snobbery! Its a favourite in out house.

knickers0nmyhead · 21/07/2010 08:53

bloody hell, there are some harsh comments on here.

I would not of given him any ice cream either, but then we dont have desserts anyway.

I think you were fair, if you gave him some after not even attempting to try his tea, then it does show your dc (esp if you have younger ones) that you will give them dessert even if they do not eat their tea.

And, fwiw, sausage pasta is yummy!

GiddyPickle · 21/07/2010 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 21/07/2010 09:02

YANBU, but I would have held off on the ice cream for my kids until after the playdate had finished.

Sausage pasta would be DS1's idea of heaven, there are sausages and pasta! Add some tomato sauce and he would be asking when he could move in.

I am pretty lax on playdates but I am the Mum, the kids do as they are told. I also would stop having a kid I can't stand over, there are other ways for them to play together.

BunnyLebowski · 21/07/2010 09:07

Morloth I refer you to one of the OP's follow up posts.

'Hang on colditz and crackfox - before branding me spiteful and criticising me for scarring a poor 4yo for life, I didn't actually give any of the dc's an ice cream so he didn't get left out at all!'

Daffydilly · 21/07/2010 09:09

I wouldn't have given him the ice-cream. It's important to be consistent in front of your own kids and if they think they will always get dessert even if they don't eat any of the main course then they will never eat the main course as they know there is something yummy waiting for them. You went to a lot of trouble to cook something he would like and he didn't even try it - I would have done exactly the same as you.

thesecondcoming · 21/07/2010 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 21/07/2010 09:12

Thanks Bunny, I skim read.

Sandinmyshoes · 21/07/2010 09:25

FGS... do any of you give your children pasta with meatballs (that well known popular italian dish)? Do any of you cook from scratch ever?! Because for all of your judgemental snooty remarks about sausage pasta - given that the OP took the skin off the sausages and chopped them up it is really no different - except in shape - when you consider the basic ingredients.

I find that when children know they can't push you they stop trying. My nephew "doesn't eat" lots of things... except he does when he's with me! I'm a firm believer in "they'll eat when they're hungry" and can't abide this culture of fussy eaters being indulged. If he says he doesn't want it, I'll take it away and let him leave the table and then when he says he's hungry he gets it back. The first time was a battle of wills and after that he's been no problem.

And as for pud being a reward I didn't see the OP mention this at all, merely that unless they ate their first course they couldn't have pudding. I also don't see any mention of a demand for a clean plate from the OP... merely that they eat "enough" (I interpret this as a decent amount) of their main meal before having pudding.

If it was me and the child had been a PITA he wouldn't have got ice-cream - and as you did - the others wouldn't have got any either (until he'd gone home).

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/07/2010 09:35

"If he says he doesn't want it, I'll take it away and let him leave the table and then when he says he's hungry he gets it back. The first time was a battle of wills and after that he's been no problem."

My DD isn't too bad at eating actually, but from what I have heard it is NOT that easy for everyone to combat fussy eating.

Onetoomanycornettos · 21/07/2010 09:42

I would have just offered bread and cheese as an alternative and given him the ice-cream. I don't see it as my place to start disciplining or setting rules for other children really, unless they are hurting others. I would prefer that they enjoyed the visit! Do you never have birthday parties where some children just eat cakes and ice-cream and refuse all your lovingly cut-up vegetables? !I don't make those children eat vegetables on a birthday if they don't want to, and I wouldn't make a play guest go without a pudding when mine were eating one in front of them (now THAT is rude in my book).

Sandinmyshoes · 21/07/2010 09:44

I didn't suggest it was... but it's a sure fire way of identifying the real issues. And generally, persistance is the best way to combat fussy eating. I didn't say it was easy but it is effective. Personally if my child was a fussy eater I wouldn't be put off a solution because it wasn't easy! Too many people are worried about "scarring their children" etc etc... of course children are going to be suspicious/not keen on new foods (especially if they're always given the same dishes), it's a parent's job to encourage an enthusiasm for trying new things and to discourage and firmly steer away from rudeness and fussiness.

Sorry... off topic... I wouldn't by any means do this with a child's visiting friend in case that isn't clear... just wanted to respond to Fanjo's point.

maduggar · 21/07/2010 09:44

Didnt realise there were so many fussy eaters about

GiddyPickle · 21/07/2010 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sandinmyshoes · 21/07/2010 09:46

Onetoomany... the OP said that her children also went without pudding - she didn't make the poor child watch hers eat ice-cream!

Sandinmyshoes · 21/07/2010 09:53

GiddyPickle... you're only reinforcing what I said in my second post. Witholding/giving back the same dish will either win over a battle wills or identify that the child genuinely doesn't like the food.

My "Do you ever cook from scratch" comment was directed at those who were making rude comments about the concept of sausage pasta as if the OP had served up the most ridiculous/unheard of/bizarre recipe rather than a perfectly normal italian recipe. Not suggesting that the whole world should like meatballs, or indeed sausages... just trying to stand up for the OP against what I saw from the outside as mean/rude remarks.

BalloonSlayer · 21/07/2010 09:54

What's a super taster?

Please?

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 21/07/2010 09:58

I thought pasta with meatballs wasn't a well known popular Italian dish but a bastardised American pseudo-"Italian" dish?

I have cooked it, admittedly (although only occasionally as my recipe, while delicious, takes ages to make the sauce and involves truly stupendous amounts of butter). But I wouldn't have made it when DS didn't like tomato sauce on pasta (he wasn't a particularly fussy eater, he just didn't like tomato sauce on pasta). And it's not something I'd serve to a random visiting child because I know that lots of children don't like tomato sauce on pasta.

I am surprised that so many posters have children who would proceed from seeing a guest get ice cream on one occasion to conclude that they themselves would always get dessert even if they didn't eat any of the main course. Mine aren't geniuses by any means but are quite capable of grasping the difference between a guest and a family member and between a one-off and an "always". And if they weren't they would soon learn.

PosieParker · 21/07/2010 09:59

A super taster is someone that acutely tastes things, so gentle herbs can taste overpowering and spicy. My ds thnks ginger biscuits hurt his tongue!!

BalloonSlayer · 21/07/2010 10:03

I used to find ginger biscuits and sausages almost too spicy as a child.

I thought that was just a child's palate or things were blander now I am grown up, or most likely a combination of the two.

StewieGriffinsMom · 21/07/2010 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 21/07/2010 10:04

The OP's children also went without pudding on this occasion because the visitor's mother arrived as she was pondering her strategy, so there wasn't time for everyone to have pudding. Her post was about whether, in the hypothetical situation where the mother hadn't turned up at that moment, she would have been justified in either (a) giving her children an ice cream but not the visitor, or (b) giving everyone an ice cream but really wanting to do (a). So the question of giving her children ice cream while the other child didn't have one is relevant to the principle under discussion, just not to what actually happened on this occasion.

minipie · 21/07/2010 10:05

Sorry but this idea that fussy children will eat anything if only you let them go hungry is ridiculous.

My sister was as a child (and still is aged 25) an incredibly fussy eater. As a child, she would sit at the dinner table for hours rather than eat something she didn't like. She would happily go hungry - to the point where she was tired and limp - rather than eat something she didn't like.

Some people just don't like lots of things. (Perhaps they are "super tasters"?!) They are unfortunate. Think about the one or two things you don't like, and imagine being made to eat those.

Morloth · 21/07/2010 10:06

You get spaghetti and meatballs here.

All the kids we have had love the stuff (I thought it was American as well), but mostly they come to the table and stuff it down quick so that they can take off again.

I don't tend to bother with dessert at all, but would have no problem with the OP's method if it was my DS visiting.

If they have scoffed the lot and want more food then I would probably offer something sweet.

Most excellent child I have ever entertained was a French boy, he asked for a napkin, waited for me to sit down before eating, ate the lot without making a mess and then put his plate in the sink when he was done. He is gets plenty of invites. He even put the lego away at the end and encouraged DS to do the same.

PosieParker · 21/07/2010 10:08

Why would anyone think inviting a four year old for tea and then the child leaving without eating anything is okay?