My GF would like another child - I don't

[Niceguy2]

Hi all

Am posting here for a female opinion. I'm completely torn as to what to do.

About 18 months ago I met my now GF. She's everything I've ever dreamed about in a woman and we quickly fell in love.

I'm a full time single dad to 2 kids. A daughter 13, nearly 14 and a son who is 9. My GF has a son who is 3.

We moved in together after about 10 months together and so far we're happy and getting on well.

However, one thing I was aware of before she moved in was that I knew she would like another child. So before we did it, I was totally honest with her and told her that I did not. As far as I'm concerned, 3 kids is more than enough. Having lived with someone for years who also had 2 kids, I know that 4 kids is tough. 3 is still hard ofc.

Anyway, I did tell her at the time that I definitely did not want more and if she definitely DID then that perhaps she needed to find someone else. And that I did not want her coming back to me in x years time saying "I thought you'd change your mind". Because I won't. She thought about it and told me she didn't like it but she'd accept it. Great I thought.

So over the last year I've suggested getting the snip a couple of times and each time she says she doesn't want me to. She says it seems so final and that although she knows I don't want kids, she is clinging onto hope that there's still a chance. Last night she said she knows that this is something she needs to get her head around.

Wow, thats a long post. I really don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable saying no to another child? It's not helping that a lot of our friends are all getting married & pregnant!!

I don't want to lose her. My world would end but at the same time I feel like I am standing in her way. And if I agreed to have another child then I would not be being honest with myself either. I like our life as it is. Another child would completely throw it into chaos.

I agree skidoodly.

And as harsh as it sounds, if you split up now and she was devastated for a year or two, but then lived a happy single life until it was too late to have any more children, she's still have the comfort of knowing that she hadn't just let fate wash over her. She'd know that at least she made having a second child possible.

I think she'd be more at peace with only have had one child if it were in those circumstances.

'I'm glad that she is a realist so am hoping she will not throw away an amazing relationship for the chance of meeting someone else whom she may never meet. '

A relationship like this that ends is not thrown away.

I really take exception to that because ex h and I had a good marriage.

We divorced so that I could have the chance of having children with someone I may have never met.

If I didn't, then I still wouldn't have regretted our divorce, because not having tried at all because he didn't want children would have turned me into a very bitter person, most likely.

And you know, the world is full of amazing people.

I met my husband and was remarried again less than a year after my divorce was final (we'd been separated 2 years before that, however).

It can most definitely happen that she will meet someone else and be pregnant in no time.

A few points...

You write several times in your thread about the very real possibility of having to break up with your GF. Therefore I would question your assertion that she is your world. As such I think you ought to break up now before her three year old (who, you say, has no other father figure in his life) grows even more attached to you.

Don?t forget that if you have a child with your GF the parenting would be shared this time. As a single dad to two parenting has been more of a grind for you than for most other dads, so it?s no wonder you associate parenthood with being hard work.

Is your GF a good stepmother to your children? If so this is an important point to consider. If you meet someone else she might not be as interested.

I think you need to face the fact that you will most likely end up with no relationship at all, let alone with anyone the ?calibre? of your current GF. Most women in your age group will either come with children or want them. Would you reject, for instance, a woman with two young children because two would be one too many? Or would you only consider a woman with two older children, but not two younger ones? A woman with only one child would be likely to want another child (most do ? and also I would also say that most women coming into a new relationship would want a child with a new partner to ?cement? the relationship). And a woman with no children at all would be most likely to want two. So you see it?s not as simple as dump this particular woman, and find another one with parenting desires or a parenting set-up more in tune with your own. I think you?ll be hard pushed to find such a person.

ChunkyChick that last paragraph was very well put, agree wholeheartedly.

I understand what you are trying to say. I wouldn't be dumping her, that would be the last thing I would want. I'd rather gouge my own eyes out with a spoon. But IF her desire for a child is so strong, then it's only fair I set her free to pursue that. As the old adage goes, if you love somebody, set them free. I don't think she'll go but I have to be mentally prepared for it.

It's not a desire for a child, it's a desire to have your child and bring it up with you.
The most brilliant thing in the world. I feel a bit sorry that you won't know that feeling, especially as your first time round was such a struggle.

Anyway hope it all works out.

Both DH and I had children when we married.

Having a DD together has made our families connect more tightly, made DH feel more 'related' to my son - now he is the brother of our joint daughter - and strengthened the bond between his and my children - they are all now half brothers and sisters of DD - it feels like a 'proper' relationship. And it has definately made DH and I more committed to each other.

don't rule it out

Niceguy2, I can really see your point of view esp. with the worries about boys. I have friends with similar worries.

I don't see how you can come to a conclusion on this issue without talking to your girlfriend some more and really think you should go to counselling together as there may be ways to get round the problem.

For example, if it's insecurity on her part would getting married reassure her? If it's genetic worries about boys on your part then could genetic counselling / more information on that side of things help? If it's your worries about sleepless nights and endless nappies could you afford to buy in help e.g. a mother's help? What family support do you both have? And so on.

I think Chunkychip has made an excellent point about other women you might be able to be with if you were not with your girlfriend. What if you have to wait until both your DC have left home before getting together with a woman who does not want children? Many such women are lovely but is it possible that you are more attracted to a type of woman who does like and want children?

Look, the bottom line is she wants more kids, you don't. There's no room for compromise here, you can't have a part time child. So, one of you is going to have to accept the other person's wishes...then live with it.
You could both spend the rest of your lives wondering what if? That won't get either of you anywhere.
Sit GF down, tell her you want snip, will she support your decision? If she says no then you both need to think about going your seperate ways. Seems to me the only solution.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is to set them free.