My GF would like another child - I don't

[Niceguy2]

Hi all

Am posting here for a female opinion. I'm completely torn as to what to do.

About 18 months ago I met my now GF. She's everything I've ever dreamed about in a woman and we quickly fell in love.

I'm a full time single dad to 2 kids. A daughter 13, nearly 14 and a son who is 9. My GF has a son who is 3.

We moved in together after about 10 months together and so far we're happy and getting on well.

However, one thing I was aware of before she moved in was that I knew she would like another child. So before we did it, I was totally honest with her and told her that I did not. As far as I'm concerned, 3 kids is more than enough. Having lived with someone for years who also had 2 kids, I know that 4 kids is tough. 3 is still hard ofc.

Anyway, I did tell her at the time that I definitely did not want more and if she definitely DID then that perhaps she needed to find someone else. And that I did not want her coming back to me in x years time saying "I thought you'd change your mind". Because I won't. She thought about it and told me she didn't like it but she'd accept it. Great I thought.

So over the last year I've suggested getting the snip a couple of times and each time she says she doesn't want me to. She says it seems so final and that although she knows I don't want kids, she is clinging onto hope that there's still a chance. Last night she said she knows that this is something she needs to get her head around.

Wow, thats a long post. I really don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable saying no to another child? It's not helping that a lot of our friends are all getting married & pregnant!!

I don't want to lose her. My world would end but at the same time I feel like I am standing in her way. And if I agreed to have another child then I would not be being honest with myself either. I like our life as it is. Another child would completely throw it into chaos.

I don't think it is right to try and change anyone's mind into having a baby to make somebody else happy, male or female.

He told her in the beginning he did not want any more and she appeared to accept that. People are always complaining about bringing unwanted children into the world and some of the replies on here are trying to convince the OP that he should seriously discuss/consider doing exactly this for his partner's benefit.

I think the other thing is that you've got to get over this idea that she "moved the goalposts".

She didn't - she was honest about her feelings - you knew she wanted another child when you moved in together.

Yes, she was optimistic (perhaps naive) and probably hoped that either she would get over her desire or that you might change your mind.

But I think you were equally naive to hope that her feeling would magically go away - or to believe that it would be in her power to make it disappear.

I don't think you are being unreasonable about not wanting another child - all you can do is be honest about your feelings and, if your feeling is really that strong, stick to your resolve.

But I think the people on here talking about her being unreasonable and moving the goalposts are totally deluded about the human heart. I'm sure if she could cut out that longing she would - but please, tell me, how are you supposed to do that?

Hang on. You live together. You can't be a "single dad to 2 kids if you live with your your girlfriend and her child. You are co-parents to three children, 2 yours biologically and one hers.

Don't have another child just to make your partner happy. You will resent them they will know this and they will be unhappy because of this.
Talk to your Gf. If she is adamant, then you have to split. you will split in long term anyway if you give in to her wants.

Yes,that was slightly what I was trying to say but theyoungvisitor has put it far better and in a lovelier and kinder way.The longing for a child is beyond all rhyme and reason and can't be stopped with logic or compromise.If she really wants a baby she will go on wanting a baby and she will be in pain at not having one.If you can't imagine loving and enjoying another child,which is beyond me frankly,then that is your choice,but she can't make a choice,because longing for a child isn't any choice at all,it is a need.

Perhaps you just need to tell her again then that you are absolutely certain you won't change your mind and you are therefore getting the snip, next week. But you are storing sperm in case you meet someone in the future with whom you do want to have another baby.

Enough with the hand wringing. There's nothing to procrastinate about. Just book in and get the snip (what you want). Store sperm in case you change your mind (what she wants). Sorted.

I wouldn't say I regret having my son but I do realise life would be so much easier if I hadn't had him. My two children are different sexes so if I ever manage to buy a place it'll have to be a 3 bed place. Might one day be able to afford a 2 bed. Also, my son is on the spectrum. I love him and I wouldn't send him back, but i sometimes think about a parallel universe, where I never had him, and that doesn't seem awful!

I hope everybody 'gets' what I'm saying. It's not that I don't adore my son, I do.

that was re: nobody ever regrets having a child point.

Yes Valium I totally do. I love my kids but I do wonder how my life would have been different without.

The short answer is that it would have been totally different. My parents were not very good with me and now my DD is a teenager, I find myself lacking in the skills I need.

I will be honest, I will offer her another chance to "get out" which I sincerely hope she doesn't take.

I get that the female desire to have more kids is something which cannot be explained with simple logic. Hence why I am here. I needed to see how other women think.

Haven't read the full post but essentially, you need to go to somewhere like Relate.

Either this is a dealbreaker in your relationship, or it is not.

Looks like there will be pain whatever happens next.

And I speak as someone who is married to a man who already had two children, and was unsure about whether he wanted any more (but then he met me!)

Good luck with whatever happens next. It seems like there is going to be a huge decision to make; let's hope it is the right one for everyone involved, whether already born or not...

I hope you can work it out together.

I like happy endings/beginnings.

It's gonna be sad alright. I don't envy you this. But I'd be the same. Pregnancy, babies etc.. couldn't muster up the enthusiasm 2nd time round.

Niceguy2, you could be me and my dp.
I said I never wanted any more children (I have a ds who is now 5, met dp just before his first birthday).
He has a ds who is now 16 and lives with us, he says that is enough children. I agreed initially, we moved in together etc all very similar.
I love dp so much that I would love to have a child with him, but you are right im afraid.
I only want another child to 'cement' my relationship.
I only want another child to 'tie' dp to me.
I can never envisage being with anyone other than him, I would love to have a child to show my love, but my reasons are wrong because thats the only reason I want a child and it would have to be with him.
Its my insecurities I think that have led to me wanting a child (wrong reasons), Im wondering if its the same for your partner?

You mention that the boys in your family tend to have 'problems' of varying degrees - is this something specific or just bad luck?

If this is a major factor in your decision about not having any more - would genetic counselling be worth considering?

It could either help you be more positive in considering another child as an option, or make your gf realise the reality of what might happen if you were to have another child and it wasn't 'perfect'.

It's not anything specific but in the last 3 generations, there have been 6 boys, myself included. Something serious has been there for four of us. Its not just one thing, its different things. I guess you could say its bad luck so I try not to make it an factor but it does sit there in the back of my mind.

I still find it hard to talk about my son's condition and the life he will lead as a result. It's something I really really don't want to risk again.

Trapped. Thanks for your post. I don't think its just to "cement" our relationship. She once said what another poster said. Ie. that if we split, at least her DS would have a sibling. But she accepted it was illogical to have a child in case we split.

I think its because over the last 14 years I've struggled to raise my kids. Financially, emotionally it has been hell. Many of the years I did it, alone. I've got to the point in my life where finally things are more comfortable and I have absolutely no desire to go backwards. Selfish? Maybe but its the honest truth. I could have gone on stringing her along but I love her too much to do that.

I can only hope that her desire to be with me outweighs her desire for another child. A woman of her calibre would have no problems finding someone else. However, I know for a fact I'll never find someone better. But I love her so am prepared for the fact that, I may need to set her free.

niceguy

I fully understand , I dated someone for a while I had 4 kids he had just the one and oppsite for him he wanted more children and I made it clear I do not want any more and it is not negotiable so the relationship ended

I dont lie about the fact my baby days are done ,youngest is 5 but is in a wheelchair so has extra needs , but is of to school September selfish maybe but want me time , but then again im good bit older than you Hf im 36 so maybe easier descion

But if you really dont want another child she need sto understand and then decide if she can accept it

I think you sound like a great guy and it sounds like you really care about your GF's feelings but i think this is likely to end quite sadly as it appears to be a no win situation.

My exH had a vasectomy (against my wishes) when my DD3 was still in SCBU and was 10 days old. I was 25 and I always wanted the option of having another and it was in the back of my mind throughout the rest of our marriage.

Needless to say we split ,not because of that though - three children were more than enough with him but it came down to other things as well. I can tell you though that the resentment i felt towards him for making that decsion as it was not a joint one was sometimes overwhelming.

Your GF has changed the goalposts somewhat but i think that in a relationship sometimes things do change, im not saying that you should neccesarily go along with any changes you are uncomfortable with especially given your fears outlined in your previous two posts but it would be fair to both of you to realise that this is probably going to not end well unless she (or you) take a very different viewpoint, one of you needs to compromise but its a question of who and also whether that compromise would make either of you so resentful that you can no longer go forward as a couple.

My point of view ties in with one or two other posters on here, I had my DS 17 months ago and my DH and i would like one more before the biological clock stops ticking. In the end there was an 11 year gap between DD and DS. In that time i thought i was happy alone with my DD's and gave up all notions of ever having another child, went to uni and forged my own life which just fitted around myself, my girls and my friends and family. Then DH came along ... I suppose what i am trying to say is that things change and it is not unusual for couples (or in your case one part of a couple to want to have a child together) and if having another child really really cannot be done from your viewpoint then i suggest you do what someone else says and let her go.

Having the talk and giving her the option 'to get out' may not be end of it, in her sadness at the thought of losing you she may appear to compromise, make sure that she really is compromising and not just saying what she thinks that you want to hear AND that it doesnt come back to haunt you both further on in your relationship.

niceguy:

I think that you would benefit from talking to someone. Both of you together. Because currently you have somewhat of a stalemate where your DP has her head in the sand and you are left to imagine what is going on in her head.

In the meantime, I suggest you think about a vasectomy. What do you think about it? Do you now wish that you had gone through with the procedure before you had met your DP so that this situation would be avoided? I think that if you would rather see the end of the relationship than have another child then you are very clear about what you want.

I wouldn't have it without discussing it with her, you want to share your life with her after all. But I would have another sit down talk, be straight with her (but kind) and tell her that you feel very strongly about what you want, but that you are worried that she won't get over not having another child. If she won't talk to you, then suggest Relate (or similar).

If she's not going to discuss it full stop, then you have a problem. You can't just let things go on as they are. Not talking, timme ticking on. You don't knwo what it is she actually wants until she tells you.

With the benefit of hindsight yes I wish I'd have got the snip earlier. But hindsight is 20-20 isn't it? We are where we are.

Faced with the choice of losing her or having another baby, today I wonder what I would choose.

I'm glad that she is a realist so am hoping she will not throw away an amazing relationship for the chance of meeting someone else whom she may never meet.

No she may never meet anyone else or be as happy with them as she is with you and i think she needs to weigh that up against her desire/need for another baby.

It just seems so final and dogmatic that's all, I feel very sorry for you both, you will just have to hope that she changes her mind because it sounds like yours is totally made up - like you have pointed out about hindsight it is a wonderful thing but this would never have happened had you had the strength of your convictions before you met her and got the job done.

And likewise I'm sure she's hoping you won't throw away the relationship just because she has this overwhelming need to have another child which won't go away.

And it really won't. Even now when I go on dating sites I tick the 'maybe' box for more kids. Not because I'm not sure if I want more, far from it. It's more that I know I want more but at my age it's probably unrealistic to think I'd meet someone, spend enough time developing a relationship and then still be of an age when I could have another child.

You do need to go and get some relationship acdice on this one for you both to make sur eyou have fully explored and understood each other's perspective. Otherwise this will eat away at her (not having another child), just as much as it will eat away at you to have another child that you do not want. It could undermine your whole relationship if you don't get this cornerstone sorted out properly now.

You sound like a selfish cock if you really hope she stays with you because she recognises she might not meet anyone who can make her truly happy.

Do you tell her that? That at 30 she's better off settling for no more children because she might not meet anyone else?

You seem to think your happiness is more important than hers. That's not love,

Niceguy sorry to be nosey but is one of the reasons you are afraid of having another child because you are afraid you will end up with residency and have to spend 20 years being a single dad again if you and your GF split up?

I guess if my children were teenagers and like you I didn't want to do the young children stage I would not have gotten into a relationship with someone who has a young child but is it different because you would not have the responsibility if you split up?

In which case is this maybe why your GF can't let go because she senses that you are frightened you will split up, you have not yet began to believe and trust that you and here may never split up but does not understand why you feel this way.

As I said your GF probably thought she could let go of having another child but when she tried it got to hard for her.

skidoodly, I think you're being unfair and unnecessarily rude. This is a difficult situation where all sorts of emotions are in competition. Love isn't all about sacrificing ones own happiness and needs in favour of those of the person you're in love with - well, not outside of Mills & Boon, anyway.

It's hardly impossibly romantic to hope for more than someone who wants you to be "realistic" enough to settle for them, when they know they can't offer what you want.