My GF would like another child - I don't

[Niceguy2]

Hi all

Am posting here for a female opinion. I'm completely torn as to what to do.

About 18 months ago I met my now GF. She's everything I've ever dreamed about in a woman and we quickly fell in love.

I'm a full time single dad to 2 kids. A daughter 13, nearly 14 and a son who is 9. My GF has a son who is 3.

We moved in together after about 10 months together and so far we're happy and getting on well.

However, one thing I was aware of before she moved in was that I knew she would like another child. So before we did it, I was totally honest with her and told her that I did not. As far as I'm concerned, 3 kids is more than enough. Having lived with someone for years who also had 2 kids, I know that 4 kids is tough. 3 is still hard ofc.

Anyway, I did tell her at the time that I definitely did not want more and if she definitely DID then that perhaps she needed to find someone else. And that I did not want her coming back to me in x years time saying "I thought you'd change your mind". Because I won't. She thought about it and told me she didn't like it but she'd accept it. Great I thought.

So over the last year I've suggested getting the snip a couple of times and each time she says she doesn't want me to. She says it seems so final and that although she knows I don't want kids, she is clinging onto hope that there's still a chance. Last night she said she knows that this is something she needs to get her head around.

Wow, thats a long post. I really don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable saying no to another child? It's not helping that a lot of our friends are all getting married & pregnant!!

I don't want to lose her. My world would end but at the same time I feel like I am standing in her way. And if I agreed to have another child then I would not be being honest with myself either. I like our life as it is. Another child would completely throw it into chaos.

I was in the same position as your DP and Slushy, it is terrible. Although your head tells you that your OH has been straight with you and doesn't want to have a baby with you, it doesn't stop you thinking about it every moment of every day, and wishing they would change their mind. Like Slushy says, you can't talk to your partner about your feelings because they are the cause of them, and it drives a terrible wedge between you.
My DH realised the enormity of my feelings and we now have a DD who we both adore, it ended happily for me.
Obviously you have to be true to yourself, but the need to have a baby is incredibly powerful, so be prepared for a rocky ride.

Thanks for all the input so far. This is what I need, a female opinion.

Pranma, the kids do live with me full time, they visit their mum every other weekend. I have full residence. Its been like that since DS was 1 (he's now 9).

I havent been scared off by you hormonal women lol. I'd been out for dinner

The other thing I've not mentioned is that my family don't have a good history with boys. Traditionally something always goes wrong. I have a brother who is severely autistic, my cousin is so severely handicapped that he's never set foot outside the hospital or got out of bed since day 1. My son also is not perfect but I'd rather not go into details.

I say this not as an excuse because it never stopped me from having two (well DD was an accident) but it is a consideration.

And expat. If need be, I would let her go. If her need to have another is so strong then I would with a heavy heart hope she can find someone who could make her happy.

If I did think I could be happy with another child then I would do it.

As for would she get herself pregnant? I am sure she would not intentionally. She's on the injection so its safer than the pill from the point of view she cannot just forget.

In which case I think maybe you might sadly need to let her go although I would have stayed with my dp for my existing children I don't think I would ever have been happy and I would have resented him for it.

The same as you would resent her if she got deliberately pg . I hope this is not the case for you and that she can be happy with you and her son and her step children .

I'm eternally grateful to my ex h for not stringing me along with false hopes and for letting me go and for himself having the courage to step up and say we would both be better off with others.

It was not a good time, we were married and had been together for 8 years when our divorce was final.

But there isn't really a halfway compromise when it comes to this sort of thing.

If she's only 30 couldn't you wait 7 years until your 2 have flown the roost?

BTW do either of you work? - Because you'll get flamed on here for having 1,2 or 3, let alone 4 if you're on benefits.

Seriously - please don't consider having another child unless you BOTH really want one - it is not fair on the child, or yourselves. You made your views clear when you met your girlfriend; if she can't accept your decision she will have to move on - and book the snip - NOW !

I don't think you should force the issue of the vasectomy with her as if to force her hand. It's your body, so you get to decide whether you want to be a father again.

But at the same time, you've only known each other for 18 months (did I get that right?) and have 3 children between you both. It's an incredible learning curve for all concerned and you didn't get the luxury of having a honeymoon phase where you get to spend time with each other alone like couples who get married/in a partnership before having kids, never mind 3 kids.

Doesn't seem fair to give her an ultimatum and think it's one of the issues you need to discuss together. Not because you will change your mind, but she is clearly having difficulties with the reality of no more children. Maybe if you both go to counselling it will be a forum for her to discuss her feelings. She said that she needs more time, not that she is totally opposed.

OP do not let her 'talk' you into another baby.
I let my DH do this to me, and TBH our marriage has never been the same...and it never will.
Having a child HAS to be a mutual decision. It's not like getting a dog then saying well you take it for a walk, you feed it, etc.
I am very resentful towards my DH because I felt like I had been coercred into having a third child. It won't make your relationship stronger, she will not be happy because she knows you will not be happy, so everybody loses.
You were honest from the start...stick to your guns.

I understand expat and although I pray it will not happen, I think I need to start at least preparing for that possibility.

Foreverastudent, my point is that I don't want anymore, i'm looking fwd to the day when they all fly the nest. In another 7 years I'll be too old to start all the nappies & sleepless nights again.

I work, DP doesn't but she's trying to build a new career. Perhaps if she does, there'd be less pressure?

We saw a counselor, Niceguy. It really helped us explore our feelings and also to come to the decision we needed to make for us both to be happy.

Personally, though, if you felt this strongly it might have been better to have been snipped after your second was born so this would be a moot point.

Very, very hard. You were both honest at the outset, and presumably both hoped that the other would change their mind.

I would desperately, desperately like a third and fourth child, but DH has refused point blank (he also has other, older, ones from his previous marriage). I have reluctantly agreed to stop at two, and wouldn't dream of 'tricking' him into any more.

He wasn't keen to have any at all, in fact, and only agreed to have one because he knew it was crunch time and it was either me + baby or losing me altogether. Having had one, he didn't want it to be an only one, so agreed to number two.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, really, other than that someone has to give. Either Nicegirl has to think that she'd rather have you and no baby; you have to think that you'd rather have her and a baby; or you have to agree that neither of you can give the other what they want, which means splitting up. As others have said, that's a horrible prospect, but one that you and she would both get over in time. If it happens sooner rather than later, it would also give her time to find someone who does want to have children. If she's 30 now, she does still have time to do so, even if she spends a year grieving for your relationship.

I'm so sorry for both of you.

I think you need to be very honest with yourself about why you're delaying having the snip.

Is it because in actual fact you would prefer to have a child than the prospect of losing her?

Having the snip only cements what you've already said is your final decision. Yet by not doing it, you're effectively dangling the carrot of changing your mind in front of your gf. In her shoes I would be thinking "well, if he's really so set against having a child, why hasn't he already had the snip? There must be a chance for him to change his mind."

Saying, as other posters have done, "but the snip is so final" is really confusing. Your words are claiming that your decision is final, and yet your actions are implying that it's not.

I don't know what you should do because I think either way you may end up with regrets - either regrets for having a child, or regrets that you denied your partner a child. There's nothing you can do to solve that.

But you need to examine your heart very closely to try to work out why you haven't already put the matter far beyond the possibly of accident or changing your mind.

I think you are delaying having the snip, not because you don't really want it, but because you know that it will be final, and your GF could effectively walk, is that it?

But you aren't nearly over childrearing. You've her 3 year old living with you who if you last the course will bond with you. It will be about 18 years before that one leaves univeristy so if you're going to devote 18 years to someone else's child you might as well add a new one of your own into the mix.

I do agree with xenia too you if you stay together you will not be without the responsibilities of children that are living with you for a good 16 years. So if you were to have another it would only add about 4 years of child rearing on to what you are already doing. But if you don't want another child then you still should not do it.

Well up until a few years ago, I was living with someone who also had 2 kids and didnt want anymore so getting the snip wasn't really an issue.

When I was single, I did discuss it with my dr but decided against it because I couldn't predict what was around the corner. I kind of thought I could feel differently with the right person. Now I have found the right person, I realise I still don't. Does that make sense?

Xenia, I know what you mean but its not just about waiting 18 years. Its the responsibility, the financials, the emotional stress of having more kids. I feel like I've done my time and got my stripes. I know my GF feels differently. It's about the only thing we do not see eye to eye on. Everything else we're compatible on. It would seem such a shame to lose her over this.

Well you just need to explain it to her. She might want to freeze some eggs - you could offer to pay - so that if your and her relationship breaks down when she's a bit older she hasn't ruined her chances of a large family (I've got 5 children and it's lovely).

I suppose I meant your life as a parent is just beginning again with her 3 year old if you'll marry her and be with her for life so you might as well add another otherwise that poor 3 year old is going to be an only child and yoll be spending 18 year bringing up another man's child with all the effort and cost of that when you could add one of yours to the mix too. Anyway I suppose you need to decide would you risk losing her over this? I tillw oudlnt' have the snip though as you never know what will happen in future.

Add one of your own to the mix? They're not making a cake, FFS. Having another one will only add another 4 years or so to the childrearing? What's that all about? To some folk, another 4 years is a bloody long time. I had my life set out in front of me before number 3 came along, then it all went tits up.
You can't just throw another one in for good measure just to keep one person happy, it doesn't work like that.

Why do some people feel like they have to procreate with everyone they get into a serious relationship with?

How odd.

It's perfectly possible to be incredibly happy and not have kids together.

I agree bannalover but op said his child raising days were over which is not correct if he stays with his GF she has a 3yo but I did say he shouldn't have a child he does not want.

I don't think it's about necessarily having kids with everyone you have a serious relationship it's about having the number of children you would like. Some people are ecstatic with none,some one, some are a bit loopy like me and don't feel anywhere near fulfilled until after the 4th!

I can understand why she would want more children,to stop at one is very hard when you long for more.I have two but I do still resent my DH for not agreeing to have children until I was nearly 40 as I would have liked more.He regrets it now but too late.I do think it is such a huge thing to deprive someone of that maybe you should free her to find someone else.I don't see why a fourth would upset your lives so much,and it seems that maybe you just don't love her enough to give her a child.I think you are being quite selfish tbh,and she should find someone else and have more babies with him.

OP, you are in no way selfish. You have been completely honest fron the start, you GF is changing terms of relationship, not you.
Having another child will probably kill your relationship. I told my DH this whilst giving birth...too late by then of course. Do not fool yourself that having 'just one more' to keep GF happy will work...it won't.