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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My GF would like another child - I don't

135 replies

Niceguy2 · 17/07/2010 07:08

Hi all

Am posting here for a female opinion. I'm completely torn as to what to do.

About 18 months ago I met my now GF. She's everything I've ever dreamed about in a woman and we quickly fell in love.

I'm a full time single dad to 2 kids. A daughter 13, nearly 14 and a son who is 9. My GF has a son who is 3.

We moved in together after about 10 months together and so far we're happy and getting on well.

However, one thing I was aware of before she moved in was that I knew she would like another child. So before we did it, I was totally honest with her and told her that I did not. As far as I'm concerned, 3 kids is more than enough. Having lived with someone for years who also had 2 kids, I know that 4 kids is tough. 3 is still hard ofc.

Anyway, I did tell her at the time that I definitely did not want more and if she definitely DID then that perhaps she needed to find someone else. And that I did not want her coming back to me in x years time saying "I thought you'd change your mind". Because I won't. She thought about it and told me she didn't like it but she'd accept it. Great I thought.

So over the last year I've suggested getting the snip a couple of times and each time she says she doesn't want me to. She says it seems so final and that although she knows I don't want kids, she is clinging onto hope that there's still a chance. Last night she said she knows that this is something she needs to get her head around.

Wow, thats a long post. I really don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable saying no to another child? It's not helping that a lot of our friends are all getting married & pregnant!!

I don't want to lose her. My world would end but at the same time I feel like I am standing in her way. And if I agreed to have another child then I would not be being honest with myself either. I like our life as it is. Another child would completely throw it into chaos.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 17/07/2010 22:12

'I don't see why a fourth would upset your lives so much,and it seems that maybe you just don't love her enough to give her a child.'

That's rather harsh. Maybe it's more that he realises he does not want another child, with anyone.

I found having children upset our lives a lot.

You don't give someone a child, you have a child with someone.

vixma · 17/07/2010 22:18

Stick to your guns....You have obviously been thinking about it. Don't get pressured.

tinkletinklelittlestar · 17/07/2010 22:19

So what scares you more - losing her or having another child? That seems to be the crux of it. You need to figure that out before any more pain is caused. If she was to give up the wanting another child, what can you offer in return?

bananalover · 17/07/2010 22:20

Exactly, you do not give children as presents.
Just tell GF straight that it is not going to happen and if she is not happy with this, to find someone else to sire more kids for her.
You are NOT a babymaking machine.
BTW, when you told her at start of relationship that you din't want anymore kids, why didn't she just bugger off then?

theyoungvisiter · 17/07/2010 22:20

Niceguy, I just re-read my earlier post and realised it sounds like I'm advocating you getting the snip.

Actually I'm not - I think in your shoes I would delay because you know what - you've only been with this woman for 18 months. Who knows what will change?

All I meant was that I think the fact that you haven't had the snip may mean that you are not as certain as you feel now - if that makes sense.

Original poster

Niceguy2 · 17/07/2010 22:21

and it seems that maybe you just don't love her enough to give her a child

OP posts:

Original poster

Niceguy2 · 17/07/2010 22:24

BTW, when you told her at start of relationship that you din't want anymore kids, why didn't she just bugger off then?

OP posts:

theyoungvisiter · 17/07/2010 22:24

"I can't just have a child just to make one person in the family happy."

Well, you're talking as if the effect on your other children would necessarily be negative. In a lot of ways having a sibling might be great for your GF's 3yo. After all if you end up splitting up, your other two will always have each other - whereas your 3 yo will be an only child forever.

I'm not trying to pressurise you - but I don't think you can say with certainty that this would be only for the sake of ONE person.

Original poster

Niceguy2 · 17/07/2010 22:25

After all if you end up splitting up, your other two will always have each other - whereas your 3 yo will be an only child forever.

OP posts:

bananalover · 17/07/2010 22:26

NiceGuy2...you have just answered your own question. SHE has moved the goalposts, not you. And, yes, if she loved you she would stop nagging you to have another.

theyoungvisiter · 17/07/2010 22:27

No - I'm arguing with your conclusion that this would be bad for everyone EXCEPT your girlfriend.

You can't know that - all you can know is that it's something YOU don't want.

Which is fine - but I think it muddies the waters to pretend that you are acting on behalf of all the other people in the family. You're not. You're speaking for yourself which is fine and good - but you should be honest with yourself about the fact that this is what's right for you - not necessarily for everyone else.

theyoungvisiter · 17/07/2010 22:29

"And, yes, if she loved you she would stop nagging you to have another."

That's completely unfair. And I don't think there's any suggestion in the OP that his girlfriend has "nagged" him.

She simply hasn't been honest about her feelings.

I don't think Niceguy should have another child if he doesn't want one.

But Banana I think you are projecting all sorts of feelings about your own situation onto this which have nothing to do with the OP or his girlfriend.

bananalover · 17/07/2010 22:30

BTW, what the hell is wrong with being an only child? Some people on here make it sound like a disease. "oh, that poor child, no brothers or sisters...so sad".
And, OP, your GF said no more children was not a dealbreaker. Mmmm, she doesn't sound so certain now.

theyoungvisiter · 17/07/2010 22:31

sorry that should have read "She's simply been honest about her feelings."

Don't know how that rogue "hasn't" got in!

As far as I can tell from the OP Niceguy has asked her about having the snip twice, and she's given her honest opinion each time. That's hardly "nagging".

bananalover · 17/07/2010 22:34

theyoungvisitor...of course having another child will affect the whole family. It did mine. You find you have less time to spend with other DC's when you have a screaming baby to contend with for a start. Spending less time with other DCs cannot be a positive thing, surely?

Fruitysunshine · 17/07/2010 22:36

Niceguy2 - I fully understand the days of nappies and bottles are behind you. I have two of my children in my 20's and when I remarried at 34 we decided to have another child. O M G. We have not yet recovered from that and she will be 3 in September. We did not have the energy we did in our 20's, had careers that needed a serious amount of time and attention spent on them and I developed health problems which has put a huge pressure on our relationship. We hope that by the time she goes to school we will feel more normal but both of us have said we will have no more children and I have been sterilised to ensure that!

Whilst your partner may be 30 you are 37? You are approaching 40 and when my parents were 40 all of their children were in their late teens and they were looking forward to spending some time together and getting their relationship back on track after many years of sleep deprivation and financial strain.

You must not have a baby with someone to make them happy. If this was a man wanting a baby and the woman would not oblige then he would get a real slating on here for being selfish and treating her like a baby making machine.

YANBU. Your partner needs to understand that more children in your life are not part of your relationship and if she really feels that is a deal breaker for her then it stands to reason that you are not the right people for each other anyway.

Good luck!

Sweeedes · 17/07/2010 22:38

"I'm a full time single dad to 2 kids. A daughter 13, nearly 14 and a son who is 9. My GF has a son who is 3."

Hang on. You live together. You can't be a "single dad to 2 kids if you live with your your girlfriend and her child. You are co-parents to three children, 2 yours biologically and one hers.

Or do you have separate loo-rolls and shelves in the fridge?

theyoungvisiter · 17/07/2010 22:40

bananalover - that's your perspective. Maybe you should post on the large family topic and ask if they think their children have suffered through having more siblings?

I don't know - personally I have two and I have no plans to add to that at the moment, so I'm by no means coming down gung ho on either side.

I'm just saying that I don't think Niceguy can claim sole right to act on behalf of the other children - yes you can make a case against the strain of an extra sibling. Equally you can make a case for the positives of a big family. Both views are valid. You can't discount one just because you disagree with it.

Niceguy is TOTALLY entitled to his opinion - but it's just that - his opinion. Not anyone else's.

Fruitysunshine · 17/07/2010 22:41

SWeedes not all people involved in relationships where their partner has a child assume parental responsibilities. So it is not fair to assume that they co-parent as they were the natural parents.

ivykaty44 · 17/07/2010 22:44

I knew by the time I was 37 that there was not a chance I would want another child, no to sleepless nights, nappies and teething etc. I have two dd's and they have one dad and didn't want to have children with another dad and complicate things or let go of my life agian to another child, starting as a bay etc.

But on the other hand I wouldn't have contemplated seeing a man that wanted chidlren then or anytime in the future - as that is not what I am going to give again

Can I ask you niceguy2 - you knew that she wanted another baby? you must have realsied beforre the chat about moving in that she wanted a baby - otherwise you wouldn't have had the chat...It isn't that she decieved you have been kidding yourself that this wasn't the case and I think you have known and buryed your head in the sand hoping it would go away and know that you weren't unfair as you had the chat...

I really don't see how you can continue this relationship - sorry

hellymelly · 17/07/2010 22:46

I don't mean to sound harsh,I suppose I see a child as such a positive thing,I've never met anyone who regretted a child once the child was in the family.Why would it be a bad thing for the other children?Maybe it would instead link them all together. Something about your post makes me wonder if you don't want your own children to feel usurped in any way.I think the longing for a child is such a basic primal thing that it is uncontrollable for some women,and that men feel this less often.
I assume she didn't "bugger off "when you said no more babies because she hadn't known you very long,and now she does feel ready for another baby and hopes you will change your mind.Not such a ridiculous assumption.most of my friends partners were reluctant to be fathers and yet are completely loving parents now ,many years on.My DH spent years thinking he didn't want children,changed his mind,and is a very hands on and loving father.
anyway,I still feel you sound so inflexible on this,and she is only 30,with only one child,she is highly unlikely to stop wanting more,and she should find someone else to have them with.

expatinscotland · 17/07/2010 22:47

'I've never met anyone who regretted a child once the child was in the family.'

I have. There's even someone on here now who regrets it.

ChilledChick2 · 17/07/2010 22:49

Please correct me if you think I'm wrong NiceGuy, but I get the feeling you don't feel the need to have anymore kids more than wanting another one.

I reckon you and your GF have a good relationship. She doesn't want the finality of the vasectomy, but if you decide to have the snip, she'll have to accept she won't be having any children with you.

I think you can work it out. You both need to appreciate and concentrate on what you do have as opposed to what you don't.

I hope you both can sort things out.

expatinscotland · 17/07/2010 22:50

I agree, though, I'd let her go.

Like Ivy, though, I'd have never gone out with her in the first place past finding out she wanted more kids.

It's a non-issue for me. If something happened to DH, no more kids for me.

If I met someone who wanted them, I'd tell him thanks, but no thanks and it wouldn't go any further.

hellymelly · 17/07/2010 22:52

expat,that just isn't my experience within my group of friends,so its hard for me to imagine.

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