My GF would like another child - I don't

[Niceguy2]

Hi all

Am posting here for a female opinion. I'm completely torn as to what to do.

About 18 months ago I met my now GF. She's everything I've ever dreamed about in a woman and we quickly fell in love.

I'm a full time single dad to 2 kids. A daughter 13, nearly 14 and a son who is 9. My GF has a son who is 3.

We moved in together after about 10 months together and so far we're happy and getting on well.

However, one thing I was aware of before she moved in was that I knew she would like another child. So before we did it, I was totally honest with her and told her that I did not. As far as I'm concerned, 3 kids is more than enough. Having lived with someone for years who also had 2 kids, I know that 4 kids is tough. 3 is still hard ofc.

Anyway, I did tell her at the time that I definitely did not want more and if she definitely DID then that perhaps she needed to find someone else. And that I did not want her coming back to me in x years time saying "I thought you'd change your mind". Because I won't. She thought about it and told me she didn't like it but she'd accept it. Great I thought.

So over the last year I've suggested getting the snip a couple of times and each time she says she doesn't want me to. She says it seems so final and that although she knows I don't want kids, she is clinging onto hope that there's still a chance. Last night she said she knows that this is something she needs to get her head around.

Wow, thats a long post. I really don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable saying no to another child? It's not helping that a lot of our friends are all getting married & pregnant!!

I don't want to lose her. My world would end but at the same time I feel like I am standing in her way. And if I agreed to have another child then I would not be being honest with myself either. I like our life as it is. Another child would completely throw it into chaos.

Having a baby you don't want would be a huge mistake, and might split you up anyway. You've said that you might feel resentful. That's too big a risk, IMO. What your GF really wants is for you to want a baby too. Just giving in reluctantly won't make her happy, and it certainly won't make you happy. Have you thought about going to see a counsellor together to help you both see a way forward?

Cargirl. I struggled with my kids when they were young. I like the fact our life is getting easier. My DD hopefully will go to Uni in a few years, so one down. My son will be teenager so more independent.

Having another would to me be going back to square one. All the nappies, sleepless nights, responsibility. No no, I'm too old for all that now.

Not sure we're at the stage where we need to have counselling yet but certainly will bear it in mind when i force the situation.

YANBU. She wouldn't trick you into it would she.....

I don't think either of you are BU but I think you both want different things in this relationship for it to work, either way there is a chance one of you will resent the other.
Me and dp agreed on two because I spent most of my first pg bed bound and in hospital . When I went to to see my doctor I was informed I am no more likely to have another pg like my first than any other woman. My second pg was great no problems but I found myself longer for three children because I was more or less a only child (13 years between me and my sister) and always wanted a slightly larger family.

However me and dp had agreed on two so I thought I could do this I told him how I felt and he reminded me that we agreed on two. I tried to bury my feelings I really thought I could do it( your dp probably thought she could to) I remind myself how much harder it will be how I have two healthy dc but me and dp soon began to realise no matter how hard I tried it was not gonna just go away. I really tried as I felt I was to blame and that I was risking my family's happiness by wanting a third when no one was around I would secretly cry.

I felt so alone and like I couldn't talk to my dp because I had agreed and I felt like my feelings may destroy our family . When I could hide it no longer dp realised how I felt and said it seems to mean more to me to have a third than it means to him to not have a third, So we are planning on ttc next year.

I have not said this to make you feel guilty but just to try to make you see that your dp Probably thought she could do this and is now realising it is not that easy that she didn't go into this with the intention of changing your mind.

Sit down talk to her and set a date for the snip stating you will not blame her if she wishes to leave and find someone to have more children with. (I don't think your circumstance is the same as your friends though because his wife broke their trust by lying to him) HTH and very sorry for the situation you are in.

niceguy2, i know what you mean, if you have another one now you'll have been the father of young(ish, to varying degrees) children for 30 years! arghghghghghg..

I think counselling is a good idea. You either have to lose her or have a baby. Which of those is worse. Are they absolutely equally bad?

I think you need to think whether who you were with when your dc were young had a bearing on how much you struggled with it?

I'm really sad that my SIL will never experience having a child with a loving supportive partner, her ex was an abusive man and was/is a useless father

Have you talked through with your gf how awful you found it when yours were young? I can so understand the not wanting to start over again, my eldest is 13 my youngest nearly 5 and life is so much easier now!

Sorry for the essay .

I know that feelig cargirl, immediately after i left my x i did wonder what it would be like to have a child with a supportive kind man, but that feeling passed. It doesn't make me sad any more. Only a tiny tiny bit.

SIL doesn't want anymore, planning to be sterlised etc and she's still young (ish) - her experience of motherhood has not been a pleasant one and I think that is what makes me sad for her. I am being sterilsed with much regret as in some ways would just carry on and on and on but agreed that I would stop at 4 for my dh's sake!

Hi Nicey ,
Really feel for you but you do sound a bit muddled tbh.
You've long been adamant you are done with having children yet have put off having the snip. Why? Other posters raise a very valid point about the possibility of a (genuine) accidental pregnancy in your situation. Would you insist your GF had a termination? Resent her? The baby?
You also seem a bit woolly on the reasons having another child 'fills you with fear'. The only concrete reason you state is liking your life as it is and not wanting chaos.
I think if you are hoping to keep hold of this woman while denying her any chance of having more children you need to be providing something more for her to hold on to and understand or she will be resentful.

You honestly don't sound like you've thought through the possibility of having another child.
I can understand your GF hoping you'll change your mind as you sound like you're just having a kneejerk reaction, putting all your energy into defending your original position without bothering to explore whether you could actually do this.

It may be that more children is simply not something you can countenance but I think you owe it to your GF to honestly explore the possibilities with her before making a final decision.

You do sound like a nice guy and maybe you've been giving off mixed messages about your stance on this because you don't want to hurt her feelings. Don't. It's not nice, it's stringing her along in one of the most cruel ways possible.

Yes I think I 'get' your SIL. I am always thinking to myself, phew every time I realise they've reached the next stage. Youngest is now out of nappies, walking, talking... phew. I am trying not to wish their lives away at a fast forward. I'm getting better now though.... I was worse for that when with him.

niceguy2, sorry for hijack. I'll shuddup now. see slushy we're all at it. I have overshare-itus.

YANBU.

I agree with mugglewump.

You were honest. You told her at the outset.

Your reasons are completely valid.

Yes, hers are, too, but you told her how you felt in the beginning.

See your GP about getting the snip now, it can take up to 18 months, anyhow.

think the essay from a hormonal women scared op off

Maybe he's googling vasectomy!

'I don't want to lose her. My world would end'

Of course it won't end. Peoples' spouses die, their children die, and the world doesn't end.

You see Ng you have 2 dc but she only has one.She wants to feel complete,she wants a sib for her ds and presumably your dc dont live with you full time.I would be very sad if I were her,and yes,you told her in advance but she loves you.She maybe wants your baby,not any baby-yours.
YANBU but its so sad.

Well, I think YANBU to say no to another child, if only because you have never said anything to allow her to believe otherwise. However, I also understand her desire for a second child.

As someone else has already said, this is a situation where there can be no compromise. You either have a child or you done't, there is no half way house on it. So I guess that in the end it has to come down to this: what is more important to you? your wish not to have children, even if that means you break up, or your relationship with her, even if that means having a child and then having the snip so there can be no more?

Although you say you love her and would miss her, I get the definite sense that you would rather break up over this than to have a child with her. And in that case, I would suggest that you don't love her as much as you think you do, because it sounds as though your reasons are all about your life and the negative effect a baby would have on you, rather than looking upon it as in anyway positive for your family. Therefore, I think you should walk away now and allow her to find someone who truly loves her, is prepared to consider her feelings and maybe give her the family she so clearly wants.

You were certain, and still certain you don't want another child.

Book the snip. They're your bits!

'And in that case, I would suggest that you don't love her as much as you think you do, because it sounds as though your reasons are all about your life and the negative effect a baby would have on you, rather than looking upon it as in anyway positive for your family.'

I think that's a bit unfair.

I was married, happily, for years. But my ex did not want children, with anyone, ever. At the time we married, I was in my early 20s and quite immature it didn't even occur to me to discuss it.

When I was 28 and he was 34, though, it was an issue.

And at the end of the day, it was not that he didn't love me as much as he thought, it's that he loved me enough to let me go and pursue what he knew I could never truly be happy without.

And for some, it is not positive in any way for their family. They are not meant to have them, don't want to, or, for whatever reason, do not want any more.

My ex got the snip. He really meant it.

And, nearly 10 years after our divorce, he and I are both happily remarried to others. He to a woman who also never wanted children and was sterilised in her late 30s by choice. Me to my husband, who at 23 really wanted them.

Now my h and I know we do not want any more children, anymore. Ever. So he had the snip.

I was willing to be sterilised, however, because I don't want anymore, either.

I struggled a lot with PND and tbh, even if the worst happened and I lost all my children (in which I'd probably top myself), I wouldn't want anymore, anyways.

Bloody hell, Expat agreed with me. She never agrees with me!

Anyway, the kindest thing to do is to have the snip.
She'll know then and can move on if she wants another baby more than you, and you'll know you'll never have another.
I love knowing that, I felt it really liberating that my reproductive days were behind me.

I feel the same, muggle, about those days being behind us, too.

No more teething, no more breastfeeding, no more going out with loads of gear, BLW, etc.

My SIL has a 3 month old baby and she's lovely to visit, but I have not a jot of broodiness.

Some people never do. I have two very dear friends who never once wanted to have any children at all, and now, both in their late 40s and menopausal, are still happy about that.

Oh most babies freak me out, I only hold the cute quiet ones.
My friends know how I feel about kids, and accept it.

I'm just not a kid person.

Sure, I have one, I love her but I enjoy her more and more the older she gets, the more she can be an equal.

I just don't do small children.

She knew the score.
I'm not sure having the snip is the answer though unless you're worried she'll trap you because all your children and her 3 year old might die and you might want more then. It's such a final thing to do although I suppoe you could freeze sperm first just in case.

I've had 5 children (all mine, same marriage) over many years - now in 25th year of being a mother with youngest twins 11). It's quite fun having so many over so long but I accept most people don't want it.

I know what you mean.

I hated being pregnant, too, and wanted full on drugs from the get go during childbirth. If I could have afforded to pay for a CS, I'd definitely have done that.

The only small children I can deal with are my own.

When my nieces were small, I'd basically spend lots of money on gifts for them rather than time.

Now they are teens, I love them to bits and have long chats with them on FB and Skype and spend tons of time with them when I'm at home.

'I accept most people don't want it. '

Couldn't afford it, either!

I'm ganting to go back to work FT as will have two girls in: ballet, Highland dance, football, fiddle and Beavers.

Soon enough, all three of them will be in that many activities.

It costs a bomb. I haven't eaten meat in a week so as to afford all that.

I don't blame the OP at all.