Payments to ex wife. Opinions sought.

[TheWaspFactory]

I'm told this is a good place to get opinions. Don't hold back please ladies...

I have a six year old son to my ex wife. We have been separated for about 2 years now and are on cordial, if not friendly terms.

He lives with her and I see him every other weekend.

I currently pay a considerable sum every month to my ex by way of child support. This amount is much more than I would pay through a CSA enforced agreement. I actually suggested this amount as I want the best for my son.

Living and financial arrangements have been agreed between myself and my ex wife informally.

I should point out that I'm by and large happy (well, satisfied maybe) with the concept if not the execution of this plan. Ideally I'd like to have full time residency of my son but my ex wife has made clear she doesn't want this to happen so for the moment, this situation is probably the best for all concerned.

However, I've an issue with the amount I pay and how it is used. I pay this cash for the benefit of my son - not my ex wife. I neither care nor know how she supports herself. The thing is I'm not convinced she is actually spending this cash on my son.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for receipts or some kind of evidence of where my money is going? I appreciate that a significant amount of this is rolled up in to my ex wife's living costs (housing, etc) which can't be separated from supporting my son and to be fair he's not exactly going hungry but I end up buying him most of the stuff I expect my monthly payment to pay for. For example, I end up buying the vast majority of his clothes when he's with me, most of his schooling expenses (trips, uniform, etc) are paid by me, toys - again by me. All the material things end up at my ex's home.

As far as I'm concerned I'm supporting my son - not my ex wife. This money is meant to pay for him, not her handbags and holidays.

I'm tempted to tear up our agreement and go down the official route. As I'm self employed the amount the CSA would specify would be a fraction of what I'm paying now. The balance I could put in to a trust or similar for my son when he's older.

However, before I do this, I thought the receipt idea might be a fair push to actually get wife to spend my money on my son.

Opinions please? I appreciate that this may not be a "popular" post but thought a view from the "other side" might be enlightening...

There's a lot of guff being spoken about the ability of a parent to get a job once the child attends school. It just doesn't work like that for most parents.

School holidays?
Inset days?
The child is sick?

I think no matter what you say some of your comments will be twisted anyway.

It's really difficult to convey ones full meaning with the written word in a way that people can't twist or misunderstand.

So don't get too involved with comments it is difficult for anyone to fully understand the situation just by reading a few lines so take all advice with a pinch of salt and alter it to what best suits your situation.

FOUR ELEVEN - ask the csa , they will tell you the money is to be paid to the parent with care to be used as she (or he) sees fit.
It is not the sons money ...it is money paid to the mother to use to help maintain the child and his lifestyle. But morally its is theirs -its income into their home.
They would also say that if theabsent parent is providing clothes toys ect over and above the payments then it is his choice to do so ,and is looked at as "gifts" and not part of the maintenence.
I agree that giving birth doesnt earn you a paycheck for the rrest of your life , but it should earn at least a smidgin of respect from the childs other parent.

You really do need to have a conversation with your ex and calmly explain your concerns. Ask if you can have dds set up for certain bills or something...she pays phone, you pay gas or something.

Posie, I dont understand why you all dont get this. Her finances are not his business

You cant have an ex paying your bills direct and controlling your life. What if he decides you have to turn the heating down / off as he is paying the bill!!!!

I think he was implying that because he's self-employed he could get away with less

I am honestly shocked at some of the responses on this thread.

OP sounds like a decent guy who has asked a question to get "the other side of the coin" you guys are jumping down his throat like he is some kind of low life.

I don't understand why he should pay her to have whatever lifestyle she likes - you are all assuming that she does spend all of the money on the child but you don't know that any more than he does, which is why he asked the initial question!!

Also, you are all so sure of what he should be doing but why not make more useful suggestions.
I am not with my DD's dad and we have joint residency. DD spends 50/50 time with both me and her dad and has done since she was 6 months old. I have never seen any reason why she shouldn't.
Of course I would LOVE to have DD with me more (100%) if possible, but then again, I appreciate that so would her Dad, why should I get more time with her, just because I am the Mum??

Because of this, we have never had any problems with money. He pays me nothing, I pay him nothing. I buy all her clothes and toys etc that are at my house and he buys everything that is at his house. Any bigger purchases school trips/dinners etc. are paid 50/50.

If I wnated to, I could be a bitch and say that he could nly see DD every other weekend and had to pay me CSA amounts etc. but I am not, and I do what is best for my child - she is very happy and has two families who love her, and whom she gets to see equally, there is no competition.

On the other hand, my DH's ex demands half of the mortgage (which DH is happy to pay as it is seen as an investement for future) as well as an additional £500.00 per month for DSD - she is 8 and at school so no child care required, we have DSD two weekdays every week and every other weekend. She also has her own clothes here, school uniforms, toys etc. I also am not sure where this money goes.......but if DH asked for some sort of breakdown, she would threaten court for even less access, DH does not want that upset for DSD or any of us really, and so continues to pay an extortionate (in my opinion) amount, because he is being blackmailed for the time with his DD.

Poor Ex huh?!!!

OP - I would def recommend going down the CSA route otherwise you too could be held to ransom in the future. Also look to see if you can increase your access.

Oh how I wish it was more common to see 50/50 residency given to more split families - then there would be no issues with evil money.

Respect yes drloves, but not money. Else you would have to continue to pay once the child leaves school.

Just to clarify - i do not have a problem with childcare or nannys or paid help of any kind.
If you can afford it and its the best for your family then fine...but i have an issue with the recipets .
You wouldnt ask a nanny what she spends the wages on .
Or ask for receipts out of repect for an employee ..(who is in essence a stranger, no personal relationship ,just an employee) ...but you would from the mother of your child.
You would not show the same level of respect by asking ,and even thinking about asking.

If the OP is paying enough to pay for an FT nanny, then presumably he's paying a couple a grand a month.

And then also paying for clothes, school fees, activities, trips etc on top.

That's quite a lot, I reckon

But I have no idea what the housing arrangements are - is she still in the marital home and/or has a large mortgage to pay on a home that's only big enough for the two of them? Because if she's shelling out 2000 a month on that (not out of court depending on where she lives), then its not to much for support.

So, OP, I reckon you haven't given enough info to make a judgement about whether your sons money is going on holidays etc.....

OP I really feel for you. My cousin is in exactly the same situation, he has tried for years desperately to have more interaction time with his on, but his ex is a bitch. She really is foul, and she manipulates him entirely.

But anyway - as much as I have utter sympathy for you, and am some what annoyed about the hard time you are getting on here, I think asking her for receipts would be very patronising. I think your better bet would be to say that you need to seriously discuss finances, and also the amount of time you spend with your son. I don't think you're being unreasonable wanting to know what the money that is supposed to be to benefit your son is going. But I do think that you can't know how much a child costs to look after 24/7 unless you break it down with her.

As for clothes / toys / etc - buy some and leave them at yours. And it only seems fair that you both pay part towards school things, tbh.

Hope everything works out.

munchkinland, I wish there was more of this too.

We have 50/50 care of DSD and her mum still demands money - figure that one out?!

Mine you, she doesnt work hardly ever so we pay in order for DD to have a roof over her head and food when she is with mother.

DPs ex is firmly in the - I-gave-birth-for-you-and-you-must-pay-the-price camp.

I don't get it because I'm not divorced and probably don't get how I would feel, aside from angry!!

Four , i was under the impression that maintence should be paid until the child leaves full time education including lower level college courses...then if they go to uni both the parents should help with that equally and the maintence to the reident parent would stop.
My dh still pays maintenence to his ex-w ,for their 18 yr old ,who doesnt stay with her full time (sometimes shes here , sometimes shes at her fiancees).She recently left college ,and is working.
Its not grudged , if the ex uses it to treat herself occasionly ...if shes happy then the kids are happy when they are with her.

drloves youre right, my term 'school' was meant loosely for 'education'

Wow, youre a nicer person than me if youre happy for your husband to fund another woman who doesnt even have his children living with her anymore.

Stewie - OP says "As I'm self employed the amount the CSA would specify would be a fraction of what I'm paying now" he is not saying he would wiggle his income to pay less than the CSA would require.

Really drloves???

"If she is happy then the kids are happy when they are with her??"

so money = happiness??

If it works for you guys then fine, but I find that VERY odd.
so any mum should get money from the dad just 'because' and to keep her happy?
ohhh I might try that one!!

Stewie - that's a bit harsh since he's paying double what the CSA require. So he's overpaying.

self employed is a difficult one to judge ...some self employed people struggle some month to keep things afloat , and at other times are quite afluent...Not sure about csa payments but ,i think its judged on the submitted tax reports or something?
However if the op was guenuinely struggeling to keep paying the level of money he is at the moment , then talk to the ex - show her why.Then its not just being nasty - like asking for receipts would be.

Posie, you are right, you will never understand what it is like to be a lone parent unless you are one.

It is hard to maintain your privacy when you have an ex who is naturally curious as to what the kids do when they live with you, but it is really important to cut unnecessary ties with your ex and build your own life.

My ex would love to know what I earn, who I am seeing, what we are having for dinner etc etc, But you kow what, we are not married and my life is my own. You would probably feel exactly the same if you were a LP

OP needs to get some boundries

Some ex-husbands are tight bastards and some ex-wives are money grabbing. Others are not!

We are all human and for every ex-husband who attempts to control the mother of his children financially there is a mother who attempts to control her ex-husband through his children.

There are enough threads on here asking 'shall i refuse contact between DS and ex-H because his new girlfriend breathed on DS last time?'

The OP actually sounds pretty reasonable. But as always a bit of civilised communication wouldn't go amiss.

Money doesnt = happiness , imo ,munchkin land, but it does with DH`S Ex-W ...so we just do this to keep her sweet .Then we get the kids more and everyones good .
Happiness is seeing them laughing and having fun with us , but also enjoying their time with their "real" mum too.
But we are skint tbh...we cant afford holidays , like the ex can ...but thats no reason to stop her payments, its just life circumstances ...we had twins when we planned and could afford 1 ...wasnt going to send one back .

but drloves, your family isd struggling in order for your Dhs ex not to...

theres being nice and then theres being a mug.

oops sorry, none of my businees to be calling you a mug! Im just shocked.