Payments to ex wife. Opinions sought.

[TheWaspFactory]

I'm told this is a good place to get opinions. Don't hold back please ladies...

I have a six year old son to my ex wife. We have been separated for about 2 years now and are on cordial, if not friendly terms.

He lives with her and I see him every other weekend.

I currently pay a considerable sum every month to my ex by way of child support. This amount is much more than I would pay through a CSA enforced agreement. I actually suggested this amount as I want the best for my son.

Living and financial arrangements have been agreed between myself and my ex wife informally.

I should point out that I'm by and large happy (well, satisfied maybe) with the concept if not the execution of this plan. Ideally I'd like to have full time residency of my son but my ex wife has made clear she doesn't want this to happen so for the moment, this situation is probably the best for all concerned.

However, I've an issue with the amount I pay and how it is used. I pay this cash for the benefit of my son - not my ex wife. I neither care nor know how she supports herself. The thing is I'm not convinced she is actually spending this cash on my son.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for receipts or some kind of evidence of where my money is going? I appreciate that a significant amount of this is rolled up in to my ex wife's living costs (housing, etc) which can't be separated from supporting my son and to be fair he's not exactly going hungry but I end up buying him most of the stuff I expect my monthly payment to pay for. For example, I end up buying the vast majority of his clothes when he's with me, most of his schooling expenses (trips, uniform, etc) are paid by me, toys - again by me. All the material things end up at my ex's home.

As far as I'm concerned I'm supporting my son - not my ex wife. This money is meant to pay for him, not her handbags and holidays.

I'm tempted to tear up our agreement and go down the official route. As I'm self employed the amount the CSA would specify would be a fraction of what I'm paying now. The balance I could put in to a trust or similar for my son when he's older.

However, before I do this, I thought the receipt idea might be a fair push to actually get wife to spend my money on my son.

Opinions please? I appreciate that this may not be a "popular" post but thought a view from the "other side" might be enlightening...

Well that's the thing mingg - these people were married - if he tries to cut off the cash surely she will just take him to court for a financial settlement.

I don't understand all this CSA stuff - divorce is a separate issue I always thought. I wonder if he agreed this generous out of court settlement in order to renage on it later, on the presumption that she won't want/be able to go back to court. And of course with the lies to the authorities he will only end up paying a tiny proportion of what he should.

There are always circumstances in which the ex spouse would be entitled to receive maintenance. However in general, in my opinion, once you are divorced you are divorced - you are responsible for your child/children but not for your ex spouse.

"You know, the OP who wants to lie to the authorities (illegal) in order to wriggle out of his financial obligation."

I want to provide for my son. I was considering such an approach as I believe I can put that money to better use by way of supporting my son that it is currently.

This wouldn't be illegal by the way - just good accounting. The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion if you will.

Having considered the replies here and having had time to actually think about it, it's an approach I'm extremely unlikely to take as it would more than likely hurt my son and will probably mean I see him even less than I do now. As I've said its something I can consider in the event things go completely South but at the moment - unlikely.

"Is itno-one entitled to any money from a ex ever under any circs?"

My ex and I came to a mutual agreement as part of the divorce. I have no financial obligations to my ex wife.

"Go via CSA and put the rest to the trust fund for your son."

It's an approach but I'm scared if I do this my ex will take umbridge and stop any contact. I'll see less of my son now than I do already. Given how one sided the authorities seem to be with regards to this kind of thing its not a risk I want to take.

I think you need to ask for receipts

Indeed, they were married. She is working p/t and, according to the OP earning a reasonable amount of money, therefore she should be able to provide for herself. The child is both the OP's and the mother's responsibility. OP pays £2.5K+/month so if they are splitting the costs 50-50, £5K is enough to take care of a 6 year old, in fact £2.5K alone is more than enough to take care of a child that age.

I wouldn't worry about the shabby clothes thing. When my DS stays over at his gran's I send him in shabbyish clothes because I want to keep his best clothes at home rather than lose them in the wash at her house. I don't think it means he doesn't have nice clothes at home and I don't think it's necessarily the ex having a try at guilt-tripping you into buying more clothes.

Mingg, I don't understand how the costs could ever be split 50:50 if residency is not split that way. Surely costs are linked to residency?

I always thought that when people got divorced the financial agreements were legally agreed and fixed and that was that, I didn't know people could change things afterwards.

You can tell I don't have personal experience of this, but it is interesting as DH and I get older and more people we know do find themselves in this sort of position. It's much easier to see both sides in a discussion like this.

I have no idea how they have split the costs, I understand that the OP and his wife came to an agreement without involving the courts. Of course costs are linked to residency - I was trying to make the point (badly) that they are both financially responsible for the child and his upkeep.

Depends whether or not you have a "clean break" or not.

My OH's soon to be ex wife wants a clean break for her but not for him - tee hee hee

Stewiefriffithsmom you just sound bitter and angry an uncompassionate. Of course financial support is essential. But witholding contact is just punishing the children (unless it's a child protection issue) and is bad fir the children. ALLof the best interests if the children are the responsibility of both parents. Playing tit for tat is obscene and ridiculous!

...Err...'wear George at Asda' Who is George and why on earth should OPs son wearhim????????????????????

As for the CSA route, surely the agency must guarantee the visiting rights is parent is paying the fees agreed upon? Then again, as my husband said, being a man means you're quilty... Of something, but quilty you are.
I hope things will be different by the time our sons are grown-ups...

I don't believe its reasonable to ask for receipts but it is reasonable to go back and say I thought you would be paying for items such as .... It is always tricky and I agree that you shouldn't interfere in the running of the ex's household but why should you end up paying more when some of the money is intended to cover for items such as clothes/haircuts etc. We have had this with my partner's ex and it isn't fair when it becomes an underhand way of getting more money. Eventually my partner bit the bullet and talked to her about it as it seemed we were paying for all new clothes, holidays, school trips etc. It wasn't an easy conversation but they did thrash out some general guidelines in that she now buys most of their school uniform/haircuts etc. We pay for holidays and they share cost of school trips etc. Personally I think its worth tackling it straight on as it saves these ongoing niggles and if you do end up paying for the odd extra you won't mind so much.

I'm a bit late to the party but...

TheWaspFactory, I think the receipts are a bad idea. I think it would be better if at first you just say this wasn't how you intended things to be and see how that goes. Its much less antagonistic, and you can always suggest the receipts if that doesn't work out.

Another possibility is rather than a trust fund, set up a joint account and put the money in there. You can both use it to buy clothes etc, and then you can both actually budget how much is being spent on these things. Although it is possible for her to withdraw money and spend it on herself, I think the visibility will make her less inclined.

I'd be surprised if she cuts visitation, because if she does that she's risking you dropping the money to the minimum, plus she also gets the fun of being taken to court for visitation and ending up with less time. I think your fear of a court battle is allowing her to walk all over you. Your son doesn't even need to know its happening.

A joint account?? With an ex ....

Am speechless at the suggestion TBH...

well mjinhid £350 per month - goodness thats a lot of money you are right it is very generous, why don't you tell your ex to give you less for your children?

to me it is a lot of money - there is no doubt in that - I don't get maintenence for dd1 only dd2 - though the same father - I asked for dd1 to be given money as he saw fit - so I have no problem with following advice given.

my tounge in cheek is because it is not the amount that is handed over it is the amount that is earnt, your ex earns a little more than mine - but my ex has to pay out to two families - between us we still come out with less than you... so I can say - wow that is over double and a half agian what me and Mrs 2 get between us which is a lot of money - though our ex doesn't do any extras me and Mrs 2 have to pay for everything school trips the lot - he does buy them good christmas presents though

Ladyanonymous I thought the idea of a joint account with an ex, where there is a strained relationship anyway an odd idea- and most probably unworkable.

I can see it in cases where people get on, but in those circumstances, there is probably no need!

mjinhiding you sound like you've been really responsible in ensuring your DS has a relationship with his father, it's really refreshing to read about.

Firstly I have no axe to wield, I have chosen not to take any maintenance from my ex and have a very good relationship with him.

I think you are trying to do the best for your son, asking for receipts is wrong and insulting though. Many years ago when I did receive maintenance my ex suggested that he would ask for receipts. I told myself that I needed to get myself into a situation where I would never rely on him again for money, I did and tbh my relationship with my ex has improved.

I understand that you think you are doing your best for your son and it is admirable that you pay more than the CSA ask for. I don't understand why most non residant parents don't pay the maximum they can afford rather than the CSA amount tbh.

But to get back to the point if you really want to do what is best for your son you need to improve your relationship with your ex. If children have parents that can't bring themselves to talk to one another it will fuck them up.

I was also wondering about it from an obtaining credit angle too.

Did we just agree Hairy .