Payments to ex wife. Opinions sought.

[TheWaspFactory]

I'm told this is a good place to get opinions. Don't hold back please ladies...

I have a six year old son to my ex wife. We have been separated for about 2 years now and are on cordial, if not friendly terms.

He lives with her and I see him every other weekend.

I currently pay a considerable sum every month to my ex by way of child support. This amount is much more than I would pay through a CSA enforced agreement. I actually suggested this amount as I want the best for my son.

Living and financial arrangements have been agreed between myself and my ex wife informally.

I should point out that I'm by and large happy (well, satisfied maybe) with the concept if not the execution of this plan. Ideally I'd like to have full time residency of my son but my ex wife has made clear she doesn't want this to happen so for the moment, this situation is probably the best for all concerned.

However, I've an issue with the amount I pay and how it is used. I pay this cash for the benefit of my son - not my ex wife. I neither care nor know how she supports herself. The thing is I'm not convinced she is actually spending this cash on my son.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for receipts or some kind of evidence of where my money is going? I appreciate that a significant amount of this is rolled up in to my ex wife's living costs (housing, etc) which can't be separated from supporting my son and to be fair he's not exactly going hungry but I end up buying him most of the stuff I expect my monthly payment to pay for. For example, I end up buying the vast majority of his clothes when he's with me, most of his schooling expenses (trips, uniform, etc) are paid by me, toys - again by me. All the material things end up at my ex's home.

As far as I'm concerned I'm supporting my son - not my ex wife. This money is meant to pay for him, not her handbags and holidays.

I'm tempted to tear up our agreement and go down the official route. As I'm self employed the amount the CSA would specify would be a fraction of what I'm paying now. The balance I could put in to a trust or similar for my son when he's older.

However, before I do this, I thought the receipt idea might be a fair push to actually get wife to spend my money on my son.

Opinions please? I appreciate that this may not be a "popular" post but thought a view from the "other side" might be enlightening...

I haven't read every page, I've just logged on.
However from what I have read so far, I think most of the mothers on here are selfish and out for themselves!!! I think the OP is an extremely generous man, and he is well within his rights to ask how HIS money is being spent, if it is not being spent on the child.
I've been a lone parent in the past, and I never got a penny because DS dad was in receipt of incapacity benefit, and because we shared custody, he didn't even have to pay the flat rate fiver. And did DS suffer, NO he never, because I was working and I received WTC, CTC, and CB. Along with my part time NMW job, I had enough to pay my rent and bills, food e.t.c and treats for DS. When I was out of work, Income support replaced WTC and Housing and council tax benefit replaced my shite low wages.
I'm assuming the OP's ex must be in either of the two situations I found myself in as a lone parent, therefor his £2500 PLUS the extra £200 he forks out on top of this, must mean that the money grabbing cow has a life of luxury!!!
I also think it is ridiculous that lone parents on IS get to keep all there maintenance now, as someone I know on IS gets £60PW, ON TOP of her IS, CTC, CB, HB AND CTB. Before, under the old rules she got £40 deducted of of her IS, now she has an extra £40 in her pocket which she spends on fake tan and nights out, something I can't afford AND I WORK!!!
I think the OP should reduce his payments to CSA level and pay the extra into an account for his child, and should only pay for extras when he has the child.
Nothing makes me madder than ex wives who screw their exH for every penny and steal their house and kids off them as well!!!

wasp - not major things though are they, a haircut for a boy is around £12 at babers, a school trip is around £20 for a day and a larger schooltrip would be a yearly thing and not every month, a nintendo game - well thoses are a choice and for Christmas and birthday not needed every month, school shoes will set you back £50 but agian not a monthly outlay

So over a month if you choose to spend this money - that is your affair as they are not needed objects and even thoses that are needed - only once a quarter - not a month and would add up to around £90

my ex asked to come back after a year, I was totally shocked that after a year he would still want to

I'vestillgotit

I'veStillGotIt Whilst I can see your point, surely, if we went back to the time when the maintenance was taken into account when calculating IS, and the IS was reduced accordingly, the absent parents were effectively supporting their xp's then, weren't they?

Surely the new system ensures that the DC have more of the maintenance spent on them?

happy for the state to pay for her dc- thats fine its just tax paid by everyone else and they can't interigate about how the money is spent..

but really the point is it is not HIS money anymore than the child tax credit ivestillgot's has in her purse is mine just cos I paid the tax for it to be paid to her

I just can't believe some of what us being said here about maintenance 'nanny fees' and 'school fees' FFs!
£2500 is way above the level that is reasonable towards half the costs of bringing up a child with a good standard if living! I think the ops ex is outrageous for taking that amount of money!

Some people on here are plain crazy, nothing that OP has said seems controlling to me and £2500 is way over the norm for one child...

OP if you do have concerns about your ex then you should sort out things officially, do not constantly worry about how it may affect your son, It may even be better for him in the long run....

Again some MNetters are really just too angry at the world....

I couldn't give a shit if he gave her a million quid a month.

Its the attitude and the principal I don't like and the OP chose to give her that and has chosen to buy all the extras too and then complain about it.

Stewie CHILL!!!!!!!

Lady . And now he's choosing to ask for advice because he's reconsidered his earlier choices!

I don't believe this thread.

Good luck OP, hope everything works out for the best. For what it is worth in my opinion you are not being unreasonable.

It's the psychology more than the law that counts. It's hard to take money away already being given unless there's a good reason to. So you need to think about how it would be regarded and also may be give at CSA levels only and give directly for other things like me paying school fees direct whoever the children live with and the court order says university costs too. In higher earnings cases those things are specifically mentioned or the cost of a nany which if husband and wife work full time and you've 4 children under 5 or whatever childcare is going to be the biggest cost and CSA stuff is irrelevant to the costs of you both working.

( posieparker Fri 16-Jul-10 19:38:46
Xenia do you have your own business and could you direct me to a good business plan?
Sorry for hijack.

I work for myself so I eat only what I kill and if I have no killings then we all starve or I suppose go on state benefits. I think you just have to apply some lateral thinking to earnings. Lots of things I try fail but enough succeed that that doesn't matter).

I knew the op was angry at the ex - for a reason...it glared at me from his posts.

It is completely outrageous to suggest that regular maintenance payments to an ex-spouse, whether for the benefit of spouse or child(ren) or both, should be accounted for by the ex-spouse. Divorce means separate lives, and what your ex-wife spends her money on is none of your business.

However, it is perfectly reasonable to make payments for specific costs associated with children eg nanny's wages, nanny's accommodation, school fees, holiday courses, and for those payments to stop when the costs involved no longer occur. My DP used to pay for my DSSs' nanny and her accommodation but they no longer need a nanny, so he no longer pays for the nanny, and the cessation of that payment has not given rise to any other payment.

am TOTALLY with you OP.My bro is currently working 10 hrs a day 7 days a week to pay his ex wife.
He lives in ...well a hovel basically...she has just paid cash for a brand new car.
He gives his kids £60 a pop to pay for new trainers that they HAVE to have.
Her parther doesn't work, apart from walking the dog.
If you pay money to ex to pay for kids, it should go to kids...not her.

'need' a nanny????

He gives his kids £60 a pop to pay for new trainers that they HAVE to have.

Please tell me that is sarcastic..??

Children whose parents work FT need childcare when they are young, yes.

There is a difference between "childcare" and a Nanny

When parents are regularly absent overnight (for several nights at a time, even) and children are young, a nanny is the only viable form of childcare.

i dont think OP is being unreasonable.
i am divorced from my first husband and i had majority custody i suppose, he had them at weekends. he paid above the CSA recommended. i used that money on food/clothes/school stuff, the essentials. my youngest DD was not yet in school when we split, so she had to go to a childminder, but i tried almost subconciously to use my own money for that, and spend exs money on the other stuff.
in my mind, i was meant to be looking after her during the week, and i was unable to because i was working, why should my ex pay for the childcare that the child needs while technically under my care? if it were the other way round id be a bit annoyed at paying someone else to look after them when it was his 'turn'
irrational at the time maybe, but it worked, we were quite amicable. i was lucky in that even though we were not a good couple and he was a crap husband, he is a great dad and was always there to take the kids if i needed it, and we swapped days happily.

child support is for the CHILD. not for the parent at all. id feel so guilty spending child support on stuff for me [except for food i guess]

People have the wrong idea about nannies. If you ahve 3 children udner 5 as we did the cheapest child care is a nanny. IT is much much cheaper than 3 London nursery places and also in my view much better.

If you choice is idle wife who doesn't work for the next 15 years or paying half or all the nanny cost so she works full time then that's a good plan and also better for the children and also sometimes the nanny is shared so that when the chidlren are living with their father (I was speaking to someone earlier who has his every other week) the nanny continues to look after them.