Payments to ex wife. Opinions sought.

[TheWaspFactory]

I'm told this is a good place to get opinions. Don't hold back please ladies...

I have a six year old son to my ex wife. We have been separated for about 2 years now and are on cordial, if not friendly terms.

He lives with her and I see him every other weekend.

I currently pay a considerable sum every month to my ex by way of child support. This amount is much more than I would pay through a CSA enforced agreement. I actually suggested this amount as I want the best for my son.

Living and financial arrangements have been agreed between myself and my ex wife informally.

I should point out that I'm by and large happy (well, satisfied maybe) with the concept if not the execution of this plan. Ideally I'd like to have full time residency of my son but my ex wife has made clear she doesn't want this to happen so for the moment, this situation is probably the best for all concerned.

However, I've an issue with the amount I pay and how it is used. I pay this cash for the benefit of my son - not my ex wife. I neither care nor know how she supports herself. The thing is I'm not convinced she is actually spending this cash on my son.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for receipts or some kind of evidence of where my money is going? I appreciate that a significant amount of this is rolled up in to my ex wife's living costs (housing, etc) which can't be separated from supporting my son and to be fair he's not exactly going hungry but I end up buying him most of the stuff I expect my monthly payment to pay for. For example, I end up buying the vast majority of his clothes when he's with me, most of his schooling expenses (trips, uniform, etc) are paid by me, toys - again by me. All the material things end up at my ex's home.

As far as I'm concerned I'm supporting my son - not my ex wife. This money is meant to pay for him, not her handbags and holidays.

I'm tempted to tear up our agreement and go down the official route. As I'm self employed the amount the CSA would specify would be a fraction of what I'm paying now. The balance I could put in to a trust or similar for my son when he's older.

However, before I do this, I thought the receipt idea might be a fair push to actually get wife to spend my money on my son.

Opinions please? I appreciate that this may not be a "popular" post but thought a view from the "other side" might be enlightening...

He isn't asking to look in her pants drawer though is he. I think that if somebody is agreeing to hand over a chunk of cash each month it's not wildly personal to ask what it might be used for, particularly when the money is named as 'child maintenance' and the payee is the other parent of that child.

Receipts: no way.

But just asking? I have no issue with it.

I can tell you the answer though MorrisZapp without even needed to know the OP or his ex.

Housing/Gas/Electric/Clothes/Food/TV Licence/Council Tax/Traval expenses/Broadband/Telephone/Clothes etc etc etc.

Its a bloody stupid question to even ask.

It is exactly the same as looking in her pants drawer - she is buying handbags apparently, perhaps she wears expensive underwear as well!!!!

If he doesnt like it he should cut the crap and re negotiate the settlement.

If you where a LP you might understand the point about privacy and not having someone looking over your shoulder. Believe me, you wouldnt ever want to go down this route.

I have a friend who divorced and he payed maintence at more than the CSA said and pon top of that he payed the mortgage - he did this for around 18months and then the ex wife moved to live in NZ - he was devestated and took the ex to court to stop this move - the judge said no and that the dc could go to NZ it wouldn't harm them not to have their dad in their lives

Anyway he continued to pay maintenence but not the mortgage as house was sold.

Then she moved back and he helped her financaly, had the dc a lot to over her work and he wanted to be with them - now they are back together and she says she was stupid to leave and what a great dad he was apart he always wanted to pay for the dc and her.

Yes he is a good man and wahtever she though at him he never took it out on the dc - he managed to get the money together twice to see them for the 15 months they were in NZ

there are good dads out there that do not live with their children full time - there are dads out there that try hard to make sure that the dc spend a lot of time with both parents

but op needs to realsie that he is not with this woman anymore and he can't pry into her life whether it be bf or money or destination for holdiays

my ex wanted to meet and vet my bf and decide whether he was suitable to be aroundmy dd i told him that as my bf had a fully enhanced police check it was fine - but the thing is it hsn't got a dam thing to do with my ex who comes as a guest into my home

Am I right in thinking there are a lot of women feel that the separated father has no right to ensure the wellbeing of their kids save for forking out cash? and that it's the mothers right to gave custody? Outrageous

Have custody I meant

there is no such thing as custody -that stopped in the 90's and it is residencey.

Parents come to different arrangemsnts depending on the chidlren and themselves and what is suitable and best for the dc

i have a lot of friends where the chidlren spend a good 40% of the time with their father and 60% of the time with their mother. I also had a bf who had his dc 70% of the time and his ex wife had the dc 30% of the time. it is important to make the best of a situation and make sure the dc get parented inbetween two houses or homes.
this doesn't always work out or is very difficult to arrange and not all fathers want to have thier dc more than 20% of the time and soem mothers would rather the dc stayed with their fathers more of the time.

What is important is that the dc is happy and safe

We are saying hairytriangle that the ex has no right to have a say in how the resident parent runs their home.

Just as I have no say in how my ex runs his home when my kids are there.

Lady I understand the running of the home thing generally but I am appalled at any assertion that it is not the duty of both parents to provide for - and ensure the best welfare - of their children. Which includes IMHO ensuring money given for childrens living expenses are spent appropriately.

It seems to me that the op is concerned that he's paying way over the odds and us concerned that his ex us living off him but doesn't know how to broach the subject without upsetting the apple cart.

Bloody iPhone!

But he doesn't seem to have any valid concerns about the welfare of his son - he chose how much money to pay - so he will just have to accept that he contributes and that money goes into his ex's household pot.

I presume his son goes on holiday with his ex?

Or change the amount to a more reasonable amount ;)

What has going on holiday got to do with it?

That too

These threads always go the same way - arguing over things that aren't relevant to the OP, like suggesting the OP Regents paying maintenance, or hinting that there must be a reason he doesn't see as much of his son as he'd like.

Fact is, the OP pays double what the CSA would suggest. and he doubts that it is being spent in the best interests of his son. And no, I don't think the OP's ex spending it on handbag is in his sons best interests.

Maybe this is a situation where their priorities just do not square with each other. That happens. And I don't think the OP is out of line in wanting to know what the situation is.

Dh's ex got a lot of money from dh. As she should have. And she got the house, mortgage free, and school fees paid by dh. And reasonable extras, whether educational or social.

But she still clothed the children in ragged hand me downs, inc shoes that didn't fit them, because she saved all the money so they could go skiing 4 times a year. This is most definitely a case white dh's priorities and his ex's didn't gel. And everytime the children combined to her, she told them to ask their dad for new clothes/shoes/more money for the school trip, as he obviously didn't pay enough (for those who like to pick over the salacious details, "enough" is 25k per year, with, remember, no majoroutgoings, and ex worked full time too) THAT is when it begins to grate, tbh.

Especially since dh and I could barely afford to feed or clothe ourselves at that point, let alone pay for a house big enough with space for us all when step children came to stay. But couldn't even think about reducing payments because she would have withheld contact.

Witholding contact in those circumstances is sick £25k a year? What a money grabbing cow!

For all we know, the OP is in a similar position.

Children should never be used as pawns, but the OP's ex already won't let him see his ds as much as he would like - 2 days out of 14? Bowman many on this thread would be happy with that as contact?

Well said !

you can't ask for receipts for god sake. And even if she does occasionally buy herself a handbag, would you feel justified in deducting the amount from what you contribute??? As you say, you are contributing to your son and bringing up a child is expensive, even if as a mother you occasionally treat yourself to a lipstick.

If you really want what's best for your son, just be decent to his mother. That's one my x could never work out. He pays nothing though.

I do know a woman actually who's ex's pay for her three kids to go to private school, she gets the maintenance (about a grand a month) in cash yet claims Income Support etc and gets full housing benefit.

That pisses me off.

I spent £250 on the dentist for my kids in the last month. These costs are hidden, so people might look at my kids and think I don't spend money on them. They'd be so wrong. The most expensive things are the 'hidden' costs ime. The things that aren't seen. Clothes are relatively cheap.

Did your ex wife work before she had your child? You have to factor in her loss of earnings, also her loss of pension and also her inability to develop her career because she is the main carer.

It's not just a question of what is spent day to day - you have to think about the long term. It would be a huge insult to ask her for receipts.

My Exp was an accountant and used to give me more than the CSA required him to. I think he knew better than I , how much I had lost out financially by our split. I had a much better paid job than him when our child was born but
my career came to a full stop to raise our child alone. He has carried on getting promoted and earning more because he does not have to fit in with child care.

Why would you spend £250 on the dentist?

Surely children are free?

Not where I live.

Look, OP, if you don't know whether she's working or not, how can you possibly have any idea of whether or not it's 'your' money she's spending on a fucking handbag? Prsumably you assessed your contributions in terms of half the mortgage/bills/school activities, which is fair - if she earns extra money of her own, that doesn't mean you get to reduce what you pay just to ensure that she doesn't have any treats after all.