Payments to ex wife. Opinions sought.

[TheWaspFactory]

I'm told this is a good place to get opinions. Don't hold back please ladies...

I have a six year old son to my ex wife. We have been separated for about 2 years now and are on cordial, if not friendly terms.

He lives with her and I see him every other weekend.

I currently pay a considerable sum every month to my ex by way of child support. This amount is much more than I would pay through a CSA enforced agreement. I actually suggested this amount as I want the best for my son.

Living and financial arrangements have been agreed between myself and my ex wife informally.

I should point out that I'm by and large happy (well, satisfied maybe) with the concept if not the execution of this plan. Ideally I'd like to have full time residency of my son but my ex wife has made clear she doesn't want this to happen so for the moment, this situation is probably the best for all concerned.

However, I've an issue with the amount I pay and how it is used. I pay this cash for the benefit of my son - not my ex wife. I neither care nor know how she supports herself. The thing is I'm not convinced she is actually spending this cash on my son.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for receipts or some kind of evidence of where my money is going? I appreciate that a significant amount of this is rolled up in to my ex wife's living costs (housing, etc) which can't be separated from supporting my son and to be fair he's not exactly going hungry but I end up buying him most of the stuff I expect my monthly payment to pay for. For example, I end up buying the vast majority of his clothes when he's with me, most of his schooling expenses (trips, uniform, etc) are paid by me, toys - again by me. All the material things end up at my ex's home.

As far as I'm concerned I'm supporting my son - not my ex wife. This money is meant to pay for him, not her handbags and holidays.

I'm tempted to tear up our agreement and go down the official route. As I'm self employed the amount the CSA would specify would be a fraction of what I'm paying now. The balance I could put in to a trust or similar for my son when he's older.

However, before I do this, I thought the receipt idea might be a fair push to actually get wife to spend my money on my son.

Opinions please? I appreciate that this may not be a "popular" post but thought a view from the "other side" might be enlightening...

"I think the most simple question here is why the op and his ex are not on real grown up speaking terms. "

Well yes. That is very true.

He is in the wrong as it is an invasion of her privacy. This is really important when you are a lone parent and you are trying to rebuild your life

Apologies for the 'ensure that mummy is waiting at the school gates' bit - it is over-emotive I agree. More indicative of my own feelings at the moment as we fairly recently took on a PT nanny for so I could work.

If you aren't happy with the arrangement then renegotiate. Otherwise you have no right to interfere with your ex-wife's running of her household in this way. Just to suggest it makes you sound petty and judgmental.

I do understand elastamum and I'm not trying to attack, but why isn't a father's need to rebuild his life equally weighted?

Irrelevant here but fwiw, my DB was cheated on, lied to, emotionally abused etc for months before he finally left and I suspect he was physically hit too but he'll never discuss that. It was him who had to rebuild his life ie find a rented flat, start over etc while his ex stayed in the home they'd had all along (I know this is absolutely the right thing for the kids, I'm not saying she should have left!) and while she got on with her socialising, drinking etc, my DB - difficult as he is - had to rebuild his own life, the worst part of which was now no longer sharing a home with his baby son.

I agree that to ask for receipts is silly, over the top and smacks of control. But simply to ask her, what is it the money is going on? in a non-shouty way - well, I can't see what's wrong with that, if there appears to be a big discrepancy between money paid and benefits apparent to the kid/s.

exactly, swallowed a fly. We have no idea about the background of any of this.
Thats why Im so suprised that so many are ready to call OP abusive names..!

Would any of you be happy if your wages were scrutinised and then lowered if your boss didn't approve of what you were spending your wages on?

if any of you have no quibble with a boss asking to see reciets for your weekly shopping and your gas and electric bills then fine perhaps you are right our bosses should have that right and then if there is money left over at the end of the pmonth and you can honestly say it would be ok to lower your wages

fine

but if you would not be happy with your boss - I mean that is a person in aouthority who has a right to know what you sepnd your wages on....

then think again

this man is jsut that a man who pays part of his wages for the up keep of his son - it isn't different from a boss paying wages for the upkeep of your family

niether have any right to ask where the money goes or gets spent.

if you are not doing the job properly get then get saked and get another employee or go for residencey

I wonder what made him decide initially what to pay? Probably a good idea of what it costs to run a house and look after a child, and now he's not sure.

But ivykaty, these are not wages... OP's ex is a grown up, she earns her own wages.

This is money that he gives in order to contribute fairly to his son's upbringing when he is not there.

My boss doesnt pay me money for the upkeep of my family or to support my children (??) He gives me money in return for the money I make for his business.

It is in no way comparible Im afriad.

He probably felt guilty in some way for leaving. Even if she was a horrendous wife (which he hasnt said she was) then he may still feel guilty for leaving as he did vow to be with her forever.

He probably suggested an amount which would soften the blow and has now realised that its way over the odds and is feeling hard done by.

Ivy

Thats not exactly the same thing, if your boss was paying you an amount which was supposed to go into a certain area of the business and he suspected it was going elsewhere then he could ask.

He just wants to know how she spends the money he gives for his son.

I don't see how it is wrong to ask considering that he pays for many of the child's needs separately on top also.

What i sense here is a father who wants the best for his son. I also think that him and his ex may not have split on good terms their reluctance to even speak to each other for 2 years seems to suggest this. I guess there is a bit of resentment of both sides the father wanting his money only going towards the care of his son (this does include bills/expenses) whilst the mother severely limits his contact to once every other week. This hurdle needs to be gotten over and both need to meet and get over the childish ignoring of each other as their son will not benefit from it.

The mother needs to allow their son to have much more contact with his father (he seems like a good father) and OP you have to go and talk with your ex because getting information from a 6 year old is not a very good source who's to say she didn't pay for all the stuff you mentioned with her own cash she is working after all.

If my boss was also the father of my child I think he might have a bit more a right to know how my 'pay' was being spent, if he was concerned my child wasn't being looked after properly. Isn't that the issue? If their child is suffering (not saying he is) would the father never have the right to know what is going on?

I don't see how it is wrong to ask considering that he pays for many of the child's needs separately on top also

becasue that is his choice to spend extra money on his son - but it is none of his buisness how she spends the money that is habded over - why hsould it be anything to do with him

maintenence is just that handed over money and that is the last you see of it.

Sammi - he seems like a good father from three paragraphs that you have read...unbelievable

Ivy

Like i said he 'seems' like a good father. He constantly states how he wants the best for his son and does anything to help his son.

With the information given to me it looks like he has the interest of his son at heart but because i don't personally know him i put 'seems' meaning i think his okay but as i don't know all there is an area of doubt.

I cannot believe people here don't think the OP should to a certain degree support his ex.

I also am astounded that people think it is a reasonable request for him to ask for reciepts - for what exactly?

Where would that end? Does he get a say in what washing powder/cereal she buys.

Unbelievable.

MZ I give up, you really dont understand the issue of ex husbands or wives trying to exert control and the need to absolutely protect your privacy from this type of abuse - because that what it is. He can rebuild his life any way he wants - he just needs to stay out of hers

Ladyanon, i think everyone disagrees about the receipts.

I dont get why a man should support a woman whom he no longer gets any wifely things back from...

OPs ex didnt give up work to care for the son or anything, he said she always worked full time when they were together. Yes she has now gone part time and we dont know if that was needed because she had to do more childcare after the spilt or not.

Seems to me though that OP would take on half of the childcare if he was allowed.

I would never ever accept a penny off of my ex to support myself - bit it handbags or food. I would rather peel my own skin off and poke my eyes out with cocktails sticks.
I happliy take the amount required to help support our daughter, but not me. Im a grown up woman.

Abuse?

Ok, I give up too. I don't even know what language we're talking now.

On what planet could asking what the money is for count as abuse?

Dads should be involved and ask questions about things that pertain to their own children - it would be abuse if they showed no interest, imo.

Fwiw my own parents never even attempted to 'stay out' of each others lives - they have shared kids!

I think you are looking at this from a very personal pov, as am I of course, but both scenarios could equally be the case here so I don't think we can write off the OP as an abuser any more then we can assume the ex is a lazy freeloader.

Both can happen, and do.

So you put the maintenance in a separate account for your daughter do you foureleven and she has a separate food cupboard?

My ex gives me maintenance for the two children we had together during 12 years of marriage.

For 10 of those years I stayed at home and raised our children and lived on peanuts while supporting him in two different careers.

When he got home from work I went out and worked in a bar and took night classes too.

I started my career 4 years ago at the age of 31.

Yes he should support me for my disadvantaged postition within the work place, being several rungs down the ladder due to raising OUR children as his earning capacity is much greater than mine because he did not take a career break.

I see nothing unreasonable in your original post. I think receipts will likely be seen as offensive but you do have a right to know that the money us spent on your son. I would push for more access as you dint see much of him and I would go to the csa and pay a bit more than their requirement.

Ladyanonymous calm down, I said that his wife didnt give up work to look after the children, she kept her career... If you gave up work to bring up the children then that is a different matter. And of course he needs to help more because yes you are further down the career ladder as a result of a descidion you made when you were a couple..

Of course I dont separate the money, dont be facetious. But I know how much I need to pay for half of what it costs to raise our daughter. and that is the amount I would expect from him. He owes me nothing.

It is an abuse of privacey and we are all of us intitled to privacey.

it doesn't matter whether reciets are required or not, it is not ok or alright to ask how money is spent in the resident parents household - it is an abuse of privacey and the RP has every right to tell her solicitor and leave it with themto sort out a ltter to tell him to stop this questioning of spenditiour

Divorce and separation. I wish the OP all the best in sorting this out. It's funny how so many people get divorced and seem to have such a bad time and you rarely hear people talking about getting a 'good' deal from settlements. I guess it is not a black and white issue but there are many areas of grey in between. It's not clear whether this is a temporary maintenance agreement whilst the financial side of the divorce is carried out? Because although it is not taken into account by the CSA, if the OP had for example left the marital home and/ or other assets behind and not split the assets 'fairly', this could lead him to being in a hugely unfair position of having to start from scratch with a huge mortgage versus his ex not having to pay much for living accomodation. Surely this should be taken into account too in some circumstances? But without this kind of information, plus knowledge of their individual earnings etc, who can say whether the CSA amount or the amount he is paying is over the odds or fair? He does have options open to him though, so gently pointing that out would be a better starting point for negotiation than threatening the receipts rubbish.

Thank you IK44. This is exactly the point I am making.

If my ex did this to me I would tell him where to go. Our kids are happy, well fed and well clothed, how I run my house is none of his buisness