Payments to ex wife. Opinions sought.

[TheWaspFactory]

I'm told this is a good place to get opinions. Don't hold back please ladies...

I have a six year old son to my ex wife. We have been separated for about 2 years now and are on cordial, if not friendly terms.

He lives with her and I see him every other weekend.

I currently pay a considerable sum every month to my ex by way of child support. This amount is much more than I would pay through a CSA enforced agreement. I actually suggested this amount as I want the best for my son.

Living and financial arrangements have been agreed between myself and my ex wife informally.

I should point out that I'm by and large happy (well, satisfied maybe) with the concept if not the execution of this plan. Ideally I'd like to have full time residency of my son but my ex wife has made clear she doesn't want this to happen so for the moment, this situation is probably the best for all concerned.

However, I've an issue with the amount I pay and how it is used. I pay this cash for the benefit of my son - not my ex wife. I neither care nor know how she supports herself. The thing is I'm not convinced she is actually spending this cash on my son.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for receipts or some kind of evidence of where my money is going? I appreciate that a significant amount of this is rolled up in to my ex wife's living costs (housing, etc) which can't be separated from supporting my son and to be fair he's not exactly going hungry but I end up buying him most of the stuff I expect my monthly payment to pay for. For example, I end up buying the vast majority of his clothes when he's with me, most of his schooling expenses (trips, uniform, etc) are paid by me, toys - again by me. All the material things end up at my ex's home.

As far as I'm concerned I'm supporting my son - not my ex wife. This money is meant to pay for him, not her handbags and holidays.

I'm tempted to tear up our agreement and go down the official route. As I'm self employed the amount the CSA would specify would be a fraction of what I'm paying now. The balance I could put in to a trust or similar for my son when he's older.

However, before I do this, I thought the receipt idea might be a fair push to actually get wife to spend my money on my son.

Opinions please? I appreciate that this may not be a "popular" post but thought a view from the "other side" might be enlightening...

boris becker concieved a child in a restaurant cupboard ???
CLASSY !

hope boris didnt do a beckham and name the baby after were it was concieved...lol
Broomcupboard Becker does have a bit of a ring to it though lol

Knowing what he pays the ex, will not let you know whether he pays "enough". You would need to know how much he earns too and considering he says he pays a lot more than the CSA would demand he does, he's paying more than the the law think is "enough".

How much it costs to raise a child is like asking how long is a piece of string.

Apparently it was actually on the stairs

My understanding is that CSA will view that child of suprising origin's needs as being as important as any other child's needs, but if there is divorce involved as well, the courts look at other elements of maintenance too and it involves the ex-husband or wife and not just the children.

YABU
I had friends who resented 'paying for' his ex wife & (his) DCs to holiday abroad. (They went abroad themselves with new child but didn't offer to take his DC even though his ex asked them if they would) All they moaned about was how poor they were now (he had chosen to start a new family) and how they were paying for the ex to live the life of luxury. Well they were paying £25 each for two kids so £200 a month. £25 would barely cover school meals and food never mind housing, heating etc etc.

If your kid is happy and you get to see him just be grateful. You don't have the worries and costs of childcare day to day (and if she stays home she will have a crap pension and shot career etc etc)

OK Zippy but your point was tactlessly made.

Interestingly as my ex is remarrying and his new wife is a high earner would you expect them to contribute more to me as his income has gone up?????

Or does this not work both ways

If you were never married, all that will be paid in child maintenance.

If you were married, one person may be told to pay spousal maintenance.

The link says her name is anna ..
ANNA "STAIRS" Becker ? (i keep thinking on a stairs becker)
God , sorry boris

pmsl !

The prescribed CSA amount is most often a woefully inadequate and crude contribution towards the cost of raising a child. I wish people would stop bandying this amount about as being 'enough'.

And he can't be a very big earner as the CSA only has jurisdiction up to a maximum salary of £104,000 per annum. The prescrbed CSA amount is 15% for one child. If OP thinks he can get a full time nanny for 15% of £104,000, AND afford all the other things a child needs then he is deluded.

No ,elastamums ,i dont think they count the new wifeys income .

Haven't read through the current 11 pages but I'm sure you're enjoying a nice leisurely lynching

Yes you could go down the CSA route but you still wont have the financial control over your ex that you seem to desperately want. Frankly I'm not surprised you are no longer married

Child support goes on many things including rent/mortgage (roof over your son's head), gas, leccy and water (heating, t.v clean clothes and baths for your son) food and clothes, school trips, travel to take him places... you see where I'm going with this?

I wouldn't bother asking to see receipts if I were you. If my DD's dad asked for this I would treat the request with the contempt it deserves. HTH

babymother - american getto word ?.
I hate it when people use americanisms , unless they are american .
Tis like del boy trotter trying to speak french ! moi oui ? .

So true. It's just such a minefield.

Better invest in a good marriage than a sticky divorce, eh? One wonders why the OP split up with his wife, both high earners (I assume) and only one child...could they not afford counselling?

posie - I don't think counselling can solve ALL relationship difficulties but it's a nice thought.

If my ex-h had asked me for a recipit for what i spent the maintenence on (if i got any ) when we first split ....actually i would have given him some , ...i just would have wiped my then toddlers bum with it before hand. and told him it didnt stretch to loo roll !

posie - bet theres another person involved .

Sorry I blame "Maury". I didn't think I meant it in a sneering way but I suppose I am a bit about the women who it seems obviously targeted Mick Jagger and Boris Becker, for example.

Tis magic you know! (although I am curious what went so horribly worng in just five years)

Look any father who suggests using the threat of "tweaking" his earnings as a "weapon" in order to force his ex to cooperate is a tw@t. End of.

I also don't believe the amounts that the CSA enforce should necessarily be held up as what is right and proper. Bottom line is if you can afford it you should be supporting your child to the best of your ability.

Perhaps OP before you confront your ex over this issue you should write down exactly what you think it costs your ex to support your son:

The increased mortagage/rent she pays for a bigger property; the proportion of the utility bills that you think would relate to your DS; the after school clubs the birthday presents for his classmates birthdays (if my 5 year old is anything to go by that would be approximately 30 parties a year ).
Think about the meals out (surely on such a good wage you don't begrudge the occassional trip to pizza express? or legoland, or the cinema) the magazines that kids that age are obsessed with; the duvet cover on his bed and the washing liquid she uses to clean it, along with his clothes; not to mention the constant supply of toothbrushes/plasters/calpol....

Think really hard about what exactly your ex spends on your DS and honestly I would be amazed if you still came to the view that she is spending your hard earned cash on handbags.

PS I am neither an ex nor does my DH have an ex. It is just the two of us and our DC so no axe at all to grind here

did you enjoy that waspfactory?

OP wont tell if its him whos been naughty and had an ow..or worse been abusive.
Not sure if he`d say if its wife whos been naughty or if they just grew apart .

A twat man my DH works with changed his name by deed poll to avoid the CSA.

Haven't read the whole thread but I don't think it's inherently wrong to want to know what support money is actually being spent on.

My brother's ex and also my brother in law's ex are both (imo!) selfish types who see their exes as walking wallets, and who cheerfully use their kids as bargaining tools to get more cash for things they want for themselves.

I don't imagine this is commonplace, but I don't agree that all women bringing up kids are automatically sainted angels of thrift, when in fact some of them are like 'thank fuck I'm getting my maintenance today, I need my hair done and a good night out' etc etc.

OP the bottom line is this.

pay the 15% that csa recommend you pay. if you want to pay extra then do, but that is yoru choice and you cant go demanding that you get receipts for what it is spent on. once you give it over it is gone. if you aren't happy with that then jsut stick to the 15% and get anything else you think your son needs yourself. keep toys/clothes etc at your house and if you want put money into savings. at least that way you get to decide what the extra is spent on but you cant insist on proof for what the 15% is going on.

if i were you i would also be having more contact, for your son's benefit. only by increasing contact now will you be any further along the road to having joint residency, or full if you think it would be better for him.