Payments to ex wife. Opinions sought.

[TheWaspFactory]

I'm told this is a good place to get opinions. Don't hold back please ladies...

I have a six year old son to my ex wife. We have been separated for about 2 years now and are on cordial, if not friendly terms.

He lives with her and I see him every other weekend.

I currently pay a considerable sum every month to my ex by way of child support. This amount is much more than I would pay through a CSA enforced agreement. I actually suggested this amount as I want the best for my son.

Living and financial arrangements have been agreed between myself and my ex wife informally.

I should point out that I'm by and large happy (well, satisfied maybe) with the concept if not the execution of this plan. Ideally I'd like to have full time residency of my son but my ex wife has made clear she doesn't want this to happen so for the moment, this situation is probably the best for all concerned.

However, I've an issue with the amount I pay and how it is used. I pay this cash for the benefit of my son - not my ex wife. I neither care nor know how she supports herself. The thing is I'm not convinced she is actually spending this cash on my son.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for receipts or some kind of evidence of where my money is going? I appreciate that a significant amount of this is rolled up in to my ex wife's living costs (housing, etc) which can't be separated from supporting my son and to be fair he's not exactly going hungry but I end up buying him most of the stuff I expect my monthly payment to pay for. For example, I end up buying the vast majority of his clothes when he's with me, most of his schooling expenses (trips, uniform, etc) are paid by me, toys - again by me. All the material things end up at my ex's home.

As far as I'm concerned I'm supporting my son - not my ex wife. This money is meant to pay for him, not her handbags and holidays.

I'm tempted to tear up our agreement and go down the official route. As I'm self employed the amount the CSA would specify would be a fraction of what I'm paying now. The balance I could put in to a trust or similar for my son when he's older.

However, before I do this, I thought the receipt idea might be a fair push to actually get wife to spend my money on my son.

Opinions please? I appreciate that this may not be a "popular" post but thought a view from the "other side" might be enlightening...

The OP has already said he's not short of money so what is his beef exactly? It is absolutely about control.

I thought it was quite a normal access arrangement actually. Look at it from the child's point of view.

Say both parents work FT (or might need to up hours to FT soon), and the child lives with one parent.

Often, in this situation, it is not in the best interests of the child to move him or her about during the week or to swap from one house to another each week as it is often a case of the evenings being school, childminder, dinner, bath and bed, and it may be best for the continuity and security of the child's life to stay in the same home all week.

Obviously the resident parent is usually the one to do the bedtimes and breakfasts, unless the nonresident parent lives really nearby and can be there in time to do it and the resident parent is happy to let the nonresident parent in the house to do so.

In this situation, the child can't really get any quality time off with either parent until the weekend. So the weekends get split 50:50 and so do holidays. This results in the nonresident parent seeing their child every other weekend, plus holidays.

Sweeedes, if it is control, it is control over spending his own money. Why is that a bad thing? Why is it bad for him to meet his financial obligation to his ex for child support but want control over what he spends on his child over and above that?

I don't think that the OP should put up with the ex taking him for a ride all for the sake of "being the better person". His responsibilities are for his child and when the ex meets a new partner who then moves in an contributes to the household bills, will the maintenance payments drop? - Very unlikely. Extra money for her and her new boyfriend to spend.

I think that the whole child payment system should have a radical overhaul and the money should be paid to the government who then distribute it in vouchers to pay for whatever the child needs

Should have wrote ...

but want control over what he spends his money on on his child over and above that?

Just go to the CSA pay a reduced amount and spend the rest of the money on your son specifically.

But you really need to talk to your EX you say you have virtually no contact how else are you supposed to get the information you need.

No point asking people here because everyone is different and none of us (possibly) are her so who knows what her reaction would be she might not even mind saying what she spends the money on. You may also talk about getting more time with your son than every other weekend.

oitreach - because it is private, the parents is not allowed to ask what is private information - It is an invasion of privacey and that is why I would and have flamed him.

I wouldn't dream of asking anoyne to give me reciets of what money they spend on their chidlren - it is not different if the child shares your and mine genes - it is not right.

Going through a divorce process and going to court is bad enough when all your personel effects are shown, as you have a court asking for this information by order.

i would certianly not be happy to have my finacle dealing being scrutinised by a second party.

ChocHobNob - Because he OFFERED to pay more, HE suggested the arrangement. And he's said it's affordable and he's not short of money.

What's changed sinced he willingly offered the arrangement and now?

She bought a handbag. Wow.

Sorry Zippy That is an incredibly offensive idea. Why should lone parents get vouchers FFS??!!!! And who runs the voucher scheme?? Does it dictate where we shop or what we are allowed to buy? Im sure there are people out there who think all lone parents should shop at Primak or charity shops only and dont ever deserve a holiday but this is taking the piss

I think the handbag comment was only example not literal...

Sweedees, im with you . If it wasnt about control , he`d pay the amount he agreed to , bearing in mind he has no financial difficulties at the moment, and that would be it .
If he wanted to buy his son extra toys ,clothes then up to him. If his son needed stuff he didnt see the ex providing him with then why hasnt he offered to fund half the cost ?
EITHER he likes playing martyr ,(look at me i pay , i only get x visits)
or he wants to complicate stuff with the ex.

Honestly I think if a man has to disclose how much he earns to the CSA then so should a woman. Surely there must be some instances when the person left holding the baby is financially better off than the person who leaves. Anyhoo, I think the OP and his ex need to reach a point at which they can thrash this out.....exes bills should be split three ways and she pays for two thirds, including mortgage. Then realistic clothing/necessities split. If the OP wants to buy more than this then it's up to him. All school expenses should be split also.

Financial arrangements are different when you are talking about ex-wives rather than, oh god I know this term is offensive, but, erm "babymothers".

If you marry someone you promise various things to them and that is why Heather Mills got £20m and not the equivalent of food and clothing vouchers for baby Beatrice. I don't think Mick Jagger's latest babymother got anything significant in terms of his fortune because he didn't marry her.

I think to sort out arrangements with an ex-wife you need a proper legal divorce with all that comes with it. This may well include money for an ex which can be spent on holidays because if this was the standard of living when married it is the same(ish) after divorce.

An ex is an ex. There is no contract between exes, each goes on with their lives with a right to privacy etc. as if they were strangers. Child maintenance, or ex-h/w maintenance is not an employer/employee relationship or a contract for services.

exactly SWALLOWED ! ...why not ask about how to increase visits ? its the money.

My previous post probably appeared harsh. I am not criticising lone parents. The point I am trying to put across and didn't really do very well, is that when the lone parent co-habits with a new partner, they are not technically a lone parent because the new partner would be contributing to the household bills, yet the father of the child is still making the same contribution to his child. In a nutshell, I am reiterating the fact that the welfare of the ex-wife/partner is not the concern of the child's father. He may remarry/ cohabit again and will have responsibilities to the new person and any children they go on to have together. That is not to say that he should evade responsibility to the child of the previous relationship.

Shes still his Wife , i dont think the divorce is sorted yet .... he said seperated not divorced ,in the op .

I completely agree, Swallowed.

I think the OP has moved out and not yet moved on, too much anger and during those vulnerable moments he made a very generous agreement. Months down the line he resents his ex having a new handbag and getting on with her life. I don't think he's unreasonable to wonder if his money buys her those nice things, maybe it does. Afterall without his contribution she might not get a new handbag, but that's because hse'd be spending all her money on their child and none for herself.

I am very interested in how much he pays as then I would be able to tell if it's enough!!!

(btw I am using the handbag as an eg also)

sorry about the offensive term, I was just trying to draw a distinction that maintenance may be viewed differently legally on a sliding scale between, on the one end, someone who had been married for 30 years and conceived children in that marriage, and on the other extreme, the woman Boris Becker conceived a child with in a cupboard in a restaurant.

and on the same basis that makes Boris Becker a "babyfather" by ref. to the woman he had him with.