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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to remove the photo?

127 replies

moominmarvellous · 11/07/2010 23:50

A friend of mine has emailed asking me to remove a picture of her DD from an album on Facebook of my daughters birthday party.

Just to clarify, it's the back of her child, in fancy dress, she's in the distance in a photo taken of two other children. I know she doesn't like her DD's pics on there, so I deliberately didn't include any of her or tag her Mum in pics to draw attention to anything.

I'm begining to wonder if they're in the witness protection programme!

OP posts:
Original poster
moominmarvellous · 12/07/2010 11:06

The jealousy is to do with the other mums and various friendships among the children, I think if the pic had been a cute one of her DD cuddling her best friend, there'd have been less of a problem.

Lesson learned about FB though, I really thought the majority of people would think the same as me in this instance.

OP posts:
eatyourveg · 12/07/2010 11:16

YABVU it doesn't sound very much to me that she is your friend at all. friendship involves mutual respect and you are not respecting your friends wishes at all. Why are you so desperate to show the world your dd's party. If you want to show some long lost relative who you don't usually see just how spectacular the party was then email them rather than publish.

Don't wish to offend but if it so important to show the world what a wonderful party you can give your dd, it shouts out shallow to me and smacks of insecurity on your part.

Take the photo off and think what damage you have done to your so called friendship. You never know she may be a MNer and be reading everything you are saying about her

Don't usually get cross on here but this one has made me furious.

chiccadee · 12/07/2010 11:20

If the child in the photo is 'unrecognisable' how does she know it is her DD?

OTOH, if she can recognise her DD then others can too. YABU if you don't respect her wishes.

onagar · 12/07/2010 11:37

Remove it as she asks and then say "but next time there are group photos being taken you will have to take your DD somewhere else to avoid any risk"

eatyourveg, by that argument it is shallow to take any photos at all. The internet is just a more convenient photo album and everyone used to get those out to show people without written permission.

ivykaty44 · 12/07/2010 11:40

Did this person ask before the child attended the party if there would be pictures laters published? If not tell her this is something she should be thinking abpout before other parties etc as this ma keep happening and peple need to know before hand that this child either isn't going to attned the party or isn't to have a photograph taken and publised - not that that can be stopped if the child is at the party

eatyourveg · 12/07/2010 12:08

0nager - Not shallow to take photos for your own reminiscing. Publishing is a different thing altogether.

NonnoMum · 12/07/2010 12:14

She is not being unreasonable.

You have no idea of her family circumstances.

There may be child protection issues/adoption issues/or just plain privacy needs.

It is very different having photos in your album that may be shown to a few friends and family to the internet which all sorts of freaks people can access.

FB has caused huge problems in plenty of adoptive families recently.

Just respect her wishes and remove them.

differentnameforthis · 12/07/2010 12:45

"It's the back of the child in fancy dress and the child isn't able to be identified - what exactly is the harm in the photo?"

No harm, obviously...but OP knows that friend doesn't want her dd on fb, so it isn't up to the OP to post pics of her daughter on fb. Like I said, it is the principle.

She could have easily said to her friend 'this pic has the back of your dd in it, OK to post it?'

Common courtesy when she knows her friend is against it.

2shoes · 12/07/2010 12:46

yabu not to, sorry
I had this with a photos so I just used paint shot and painted the boy out.

proudnsad · 12/07/2010 12:48

of course you should remove it, her child, her wishes, no big deal to you. I don't like it when my mother uploads any pix of the dc and I politely ask her not to...every time

ninah · 12/07/2010 12:49

yabu

differentnameforthis · 12/07/2010 12:52

"Publishing is a different thing altogether"

Eatyourveg Why? I post my pics to facebook because I live 10,000+ t away from my family, friends, dds godparents etc. This way they can all see what we are up to, with out having to send several (time consuming) emails to each individual. It is also cheaper than posting them & sending letters.

I don't see how that makes me insecure or shallow!

MisSalLaneous · 12/07/2010 12:54

Have to admit that the fact that she's happy to have full on pictures of her daughter on her FB does make it sound like there is more to this (whether the jealousy you mentioned earlier or something else) than privacy.

Either way, if you've removed as you said, no harm done, and now you know not to ever include any.

I think the poster who said posting pics are showing off is being ridiculous, sorry. I have fb pictures of ds's life as it's the easiest way for the family, who are far away, to be "part" of his growing up. It's easier to have an album on FB than e-mailing loads of pictures, especially where the receivers don't always have great internet connections, so a huge e-mail can clog up the mail programme completely.

MisSalLaneous · 12/07/2010 12:57

cross-post with differentnameforthis. exactly.

And should you decide to remove them for whatever reason, it's easier to delete a FB album than - well, the impossible option - getting e-mail photos back/deleted.

NewTeacher · 12/07/2010 14:18

Well I think she should have made it clear at the party that she didnt want her DC photographed. If she didnt and saw you taking pics then she is BU.

Blur the back of her DC head, that way everyone is happy!

Original poster
moominmarvellous · 12/07/2010 14:27

I have removed it and if you READ the whole thread carefully eatyourveg you would find that the picture was posted at the request of another friend as it was a nice picture of two children who get along very well but don't get to see each other often.

I have family in various countries and often post albums of occasions that they can't attend but would like to see, they are visible to the people relevant.

You've pissed me off as well actually, you sound very bitter and quite nasty to suggest that taking pictures of occasions is shallow or desperate.

OP posts:
Original poster
moominmarvellous · 12/07/2010 14:39

Also, I have always respected her wishes, it seems sometimes it's ok and sometimes it isn't which is part of the problem. Also as previously said, she posts other peoples children in pictures.

The back of her DD's head is now photoshopped out completely.

Thank you all for your input. Except eatyourveg who is one of the nasty pieces of work who put me off using MN/AIBU to gague rational opinions. Incredibly OTT.

OP posts:
treas · 12/07/2010 14:59

YANBU - child was at a party where it is common place for photos to be taken. If she didn't want photos of child taken then either don't go to such gatherings or request that child is not included in pictures.

Once a photo is taken you have no control as to where it is displayed.

However, as she is a friend and I'm sure you don't want to fall out I would remove or pixelate picture.

AlCrowley · 12/07/2010 15:02

Well, I don't think YABU!

If she's got pictures of her DD on Facebook already, and you have the security settings set to restrict the album to friends only AND the child is unrecognisable in the background of a photo AND another freind asked if you would post it while the mother was there and had seen the picture and didn't say anything at the time and she has pictures of your DD on there - then I think it was fine to post it on FB.

Sounds rather passive-agressive on her part to be making such a big deal after it was posted when she could have easily said "I'd rather you didn't" at the time!

Toughasoldboots · 12/07/2010 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
moominmarvellous · 12/07/2010 15:27

Thankyou AlCrowley!

Someone who reads all the facts before replying.

FWIW had she said that she'd rather I didn't post the photo as discussed in front of her, I would have not done so, and certainly not if there were any of the other serious issues that have been suggested in play.

I'm not some horrible woman who wants to expose her friends children to weirdos on the internet, or try and turn my life into some kind of homemade OK! magazine spread. I unwittingly posted a nice innocent snap which happened to have been taken at my daughters party and had the back of a childs head in the background.

OP posts:
proudnsad · 12/07/2010 15:30

errr well don't ask if you're BU if you are so clear on the answer

Original poster
moominmarvellous · 12/07/2010 15:44

She's a girlfriend of one of DH's friends. We're 'Mum' friends really and ended up on each others FB when she joined a couple of years ago. Our children are a few years apart in age, my DD is younger, so things are drifting now anyway.

It seems any time we get together the is a problem of some kind. Nothing too major, but enough to make me a bit weary of it. Some friendships just don't take do they?

OP posts:
GloriaSmut · 12/07/2010 15:52

It'd help if every single sodding social gathering wasn't a fucking paparazzi shoot, mind. What is it with these umpteen bloody pictures that have to be published all the time? Quite how some people actually enjoy the company of their dcs baffles me since said people rarely emerge from behind some sort of inadequate lens or another!

BrittanyBeers · 12/07/2010 15:56

I'd remove it, but I'd be doing this face-->

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