to think single parents get, kind of, forgotten in the general scheme of things

[sevenkeystomysoul]

Right, so I'm a single parent, no big deal there, I prefer it to the alternative and generally get along fine. But most of my close friends are smug marrieds (maybe not smug, as such, but don't know they're fucking born kind of take their priviliged lives for granted). I don't have much money and babysitters are a once-in-a-blue-moon phenomenon, but would it kill the fuckers to invite me to a day time bbq on a Sunday when they know DD is with her dad and I'm on my own? I know they don't do it consciously, but I kind of fall off the radar on these occasions.

Why is that MollieO? Doesn't bother me whether people are married or single. Either way I wouldn't call them smug or privilaged purely based on their marital status. Would u?

I assumed the OP is commenting on the separation she experiences between invites from friends and not being included when those friends invite other couples. Is real life for some of us single parents unfortunately. I also have to deal with friends telling their dcs that ds doesn't have a daddy.

dorie it was the 'jealous bitch' comment that seemed to be rather OTT and very personal imo.

we've had the doesn't have a daddy stuff too mollie, mind boggling

I think yab(a tad)u. Do these friends know you're child-free for the day? Just invite yourself along or better still, next time you have a day to yourself invite your mates and tell them to bring at least one other. They are not being "smug marrieds" horrible term, just a bit thoughtless.

BTW to use strike you have to put the around every word. IE you are being a bit over-sensitive-- doesn't work but you are being a bit over-sensitive does. Very time-consuming and generally not worth the effort

i'm a smug single too...

look at the relationships section,full of cheating and philandering....

Feel free Sevenkeys. You'll have to dig him up first tho .

MollieO after reading the OP's thread that is the conclusion I came to. I wonder what the OP is feeling when her smug, privilaged married friends do not invite her to their DAYTIME BBQ.

I completely understand where you are coming from OP. I think 'smug marrieds' is just a phrase that came to life with Bridget Jones, it isn't meant to express deep contempt for the married state.

But it is funny because it is true! I know a lot of married couples who are lovely and inclusive, but yes, they can be smug. don't see why op should be criticised for feeling that.

Since becoming a single parent I have definitely been dropped by a few married couples I thought were friends - I think this is because they simply find it 'easier' only to socialise with other couples.

But I agree, the only think you can do is invite yourself round or invite them round to yours if you are feeling lonely.

ninah I never know what to say when I hear that. It is usually parent talking to child about ds but within ds's hearing. What I want to say is probably not printable and certainly wouldn't be said in front of ds.

dorie I just thought the OP was expressing frustration, probably not in the best worded way but I don't think she was targetting anybody in particular. Your post was directed at her and just seemed personal. If you are happily married and sympathetic to the issues of your single parent friends then you are a friend to be valued. Ime unfortunately very few married people are, mostly because they have never experienced the lives we have to live every day. Don't get me started on the friends that have to invite their mother to stay when their dh goes away on business .

MollieO I am widowed. I have married friends and single friends. TBH I can't see the difference. They each have their own issues to deal with but I honestly can't say I would call any of them smug or privilaged.

Sometimes I am invited to parties thrown by my married friends, sometimes I'm not. That's life.

dorie sorry to hear about your circumstances. I assume you have married friends from before the time you were widowed. T

he difference for me is most of my local friends have only been friends since ds was born and/or started school so they never knew me as part of a couple, I have always been single (exp left when ds was newborn). That does seem to make a difference. My single friends who are now married don't make the same distinction but unfortunately they aren't local.

Dorie, your experience is valid for you. The op has another experience, and it is one I can recognise. If you are calmly saying, hey that's just life, why are you so angry with the op?

Sorry Dorie, but I objected to being called a jealous bitch when I had taken pains to say in my OP that I wasn't envious (the bitch bit didn't bother me too much). I do think that couples, married or otherwise, are privileged because they have someone else to share things with and someone at their back, that, to me is privilege. I certainly don't begrudge my friends it, or indeed, anyone else. This really wasn't intended as a couples-bashing thread.

mollie with me it's more that ds's friends act surprised when he mention his dad or shows photos and say but I thought you didn't have a dad etc
It has to come from adults

sevenkeys I agree with you. I think to have someone to love and to share your life with is a wonderful privilege.

I am quite happy to admit that I feel (at times) jealous, wistful, sad, bitter, resentful etc etc in the company of my married friends. I know I don't know what is really going on in their relationships and it may not be as rosy as it looks to the lonely outsider... but how does that make me a bitch??

ninah adults here too (ds is only 6). Usually he stands there and doesn't say anything in reply but he is acutely aware of his uniqueness amongst his friends. He saves it up and it comes out at random times (this week in a conversation with our next door neighbour ).

one of my good friends hasn't slept with her dh for years and it makes her miserable
not all marriages are happy
not all singles are miserable
life's what you make it innit

I am not angry with the OP. I just fail to see why she deemed it necessary to describe her friends by using unecessary words.

Nobody is obliged to invite people to their parties, whether they are married or not, are they?

If the OP is not invited to a party surely there is nothing stopping her inviting her single (or other married) friends over to hers?

ds used to get cross but now I think he is used to it
when I moved here we were the only lp family think there are a couple more now
or a friend's dh 'shall I be your surrogate dad' well meaning I think but omg

sorry dorie, I just assumed that when you called the op a jealous bitch and then started using capitals you were expressing anger/contempt in the traditional internet way. My bad.

I had the same this week from a well meaning friend. Ds doesn't need a surrogate dad or other parents' pity. I'm exceptionally lucky that financially I can manage to be a lp and still have a good lifestyle and also because ds is a very happy and sociable chap. Doesn't stop me being aware that there is a couples social life of which I have absolutely no part. I don't pick and choose whom I invite according to their married/single status.

When I was a single mum I fell off the radar all the time. They don't know when you have childcare and when you don't. So remind them when you are free. Say, 'I'm free this weekend. Is anything happening?'

People find it hard to empathise because they don't do the same amount of juggling you do. It's not personal.

I used capitals to highlight the word daytime because it seems the OP was at great pains to let me know it was a daytime function.

I obviously at some point failed to see the difference between a daytime BBQ and evening BBQ. Still not convinced it matters to the point of the thread though.

But if posters think there is nothing wrong with single people using offensive words to describe married people, then I can only assume they have no objection to married people referring to single people using offensive terms.

Makes no difference to me.

my friends are not all that couply luckily
have never been attracted to the couple dynamic
which prob explains why I am best single
the thought of having an 'other half' makes me wince

Ah Spero, I think some people simply have their own problems agendas. Sometimes, the more you have, the more you want. My bf's husband does everything, and I mean everything, childcare, housework, the lot, he works just as much as she does, and he absolutely adores her. I have told her on many occasions how lucky she is, she agrees on the most part, but still moans about him and his inadequacies. I have to say I never feel wistful in my friends' company, I see how well they fit and I am happy for them. It hasn't happened for me but I got the best DD and wouldn't change our life for anything.