FIL won’t back down on nuts

[Toria33]

We had an incident lady year https://www.mylondon.news/news/real-life/i-severe-nut-allergy-father-25996677
that ended up here,
I have made it clear it isn’t safe for me to be around any traces of nuts and they seem to thing washing child (7 months) down will be enough.( Never mind bfing) I also believe my allergies are inherited from my mother who is also allergic, so am genuinely in fear of a sudden serious reaction in ds. And I know it’s suggested to expose children to nuts at 6 months and we intended to contact a dr but my health has been really bad since he was born and now unexpectedly pregnant. I just not sure what to say to make them understand that we want to do this under dr advisement it seems to be falling on deaf ears
he had had eggs, wheat, oats and all sorts I’m just not backing down on nuts and citrus / bananas as I literally cannot touch traces of them
a new article or something might be useful ?

Surely the answer is that you FIL never gets left alone with your child. That's it, if he won't take your allergy and DC potential allergy seriously then he loses out.

This will sound harsh and I don’t mean it to, but why would you leave your little one with them when they are not respecting what you are saying, especially about allergies?
He cannot be trusted?

DC is never left unattended with FIL. DH tells his father he either follows your guidance on nuts or he doesn't get to see the grandchild. Ultimatum time.

Never have, apart from when husband left DC With them with I was in hospital. My mother was there however and ‘in charge’

I’m allergic to various things (tree nuts, sesame), and one of my daughters is allergic to peanuts. Her allergist seemed to think she had a 50:50 chance of inheriting the tendency to be allergic, but not the specific allergy necessarily.

I point blank wouldn’t leave him with your PIL if they can’t do this to keep you safe. They’re in no position to try to manage this.

Having said that, the allergist was also really keen that my daughter continues to be exposed to the things I’m allergic to, so that she doesn’t develop allergies to them through lack of exposure, so I think it is worth talking to your doctor quite soon and working out if that’s possible for you, and if so, how to manage that.

Completely agree on exposure anything not touch allergic to I have been giving him, mind still need to try colliflower and cabbage (which is more a minor intestinal intolerance) but it’s still early)
idk I just thought if I found the right article they might grow up .. doubtful though

I think it's your partner's job to speak to his father and insist.

I think you should get your DH to speak to his parents and make it clear that this is a boundary and if they continue to cross it they won't be able to see DC.

From and allergy point of view, when you do have to introduce one of your allergens to DC I'd do it in a hospital car park. That way you know it's close enough if they have a IGE reaction there's medical personnel near. That was the advice I was given as DD has non IGE reactions to milk, soya, egg and wheat but her soya is the worst and we thought it was borderline IGE reaction x

I remember your previous thread. Fwiw, I was one of the posters advocating for exposing your DC to nuts in a safe way when possible, but clearly your FIL cannot be part of that process. Never ever leave them alone together. I don't think you have a hope of getting him to understand tbh, some people just don't or won't.

How can I expose when I carry two Epipens due to a server allergy while baby is being bf? As I said want to do it through dermatology but haven’t had a chance to make an appointment,
problem is this is coming up at every visit and it’s driving me nuts lol

I had a similar although less intense version with my PIL.

I'm lactose intolerant. If I or exH spoke to them they would agree and seem to understand, and then serve lasagna with cheese all over it.

This went on for over 20 years.

They also did similar with SIL's baby who had CMPA. SIL and family no longer eat at their house any more because PIL can't be trusted.

You can talk to them all you want, you can send articles, but some people just won't

Oh no I know, I remember your thread. Clearly will need expert advice and definitely not until you're done breastfeeding. I just meant that even as someone who thinks you should explore it in time, I think your FIL is batshit and dangerous.

And hopefully if it's coming up every visit I'd stop visiting. How tiresome.

Ugh that sounds painfully familiar, they keep sneaking things over in pack lunches oranges and cucumbers 🤦🏻‍♀️and touching foods handles.. idk I’m bring naive, and they are never gonna learn.

Just don't visit anymore - you or your DC (so they can't send you back a walking deathnote). Your child needs a living mother more than it needs moronic grandparents.

Had the cheek to send me a generalised article on allergies in weaning, accusing me of weaning wrong and that I need to do nuts asap, and saying again we are limiting and restricting and it was such a shame 😑

I would suggest (if possible) that your DH takes baby out of the house, maybe near hospital like suggested, then he just puts a little bit of peanut butter or whatever on baby’s skin. Hopefully no reaction from baby. Then DH can wipe it off, maybe bath baby somehow, change clothes etc?

I don’t know if even that would be too risky for you, but I do know that rubbing it on skin was part of the allergy testing my DS had when he was outgrowing egg allergy, before they moved on to him eating it. We’ve never done it for peanuts though as his scratch test always comes up v positive for them.

maybe he could follow a similar process for ingesting the allergen if no reaction on the skin test. Or you just have to wait until you finish breastfeeding.

And YANBU, PIL would never be looking after my child if they didn’t respect my wishes and safety

I'd say as you are not respecting us or understanding the risks we are not prepared to visit anymore in future we will be able to see you only at.....

I wouldn’t be able to touch baby for days, oil clings

Hmm I’m not sure how you could do it then. I think for certain wait until after breastfeeding. Hopefully, given how severe your allergies are, they will offer testing for your baby, once they are old enough for DH to be able to take them.

I am allergic to peanuts, as is my DS (plus some others) but my DD has no known allergies, so it’s not a foregone conclusion your Dc will inherit them

Sorry to jump in but exposing via the skin seems like a terrible idea, esp if baby has any eczema. There is a book called Understanding Allergies that explained it. Basically it is dangerous if the body first “learns” about a substance via the skin instead of the gut. So in my case, for instance, it’s likely that breastfeeding my eczema-prone baby whilst eating Brazil nuts is the reason he is allergic to them but to nothing else. Nuts are protein and proteins don’t degrade very quickly - traces can pass through the skin.

read the book for yourself, but if I’ve understood it then it is great that you are keeping baby away from nuts. And your FIL’s behaviour is dangerous.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Understanding-Allergy-Penguin-Life-Expert/dp/0241527880/ref=asc_df_0241527880/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=534959025250&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=16411738373621864900&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006822&hvtargid=pla-1396677839035&psc=1&th=1&asin=0241527880&revisionId=&format=4&depth=1

it has a chapter on the eczema link

You mustn't do any exposure without proper medical advice.

I think you need to see a specialist if one exists!

Ignore your FIL, stop trying to change his mind, just focus on you and the baby.

I’m giving it one push
he sent me this after seeing us yesterday https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/w3ct4v75?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile
to which I am flat replying; Is very generalised information and dose not touch at all on the increased risk, 14 times more likely with one family member and when there is multiple generations of family with allergies it’s more of a 50/50 and it’s been my personal advice from a dermatologist for us to introduce in doctor lead. It’s also insanely dangerous for baby to eat nuts and be around me for days afterwards even if he isn’t allergic as nut oils satay on skin for days even with multiple washing. I carry not one but two epipens which before when DH was eating nuts caused me to have three reactions which I ended up in a life threatening position . Which is why we have a nut free house. His life would be much worse off if his mother or he died for miss handing nuts.

Honestly OP, I don't think he's going to listen.

If you're going to reply, tell him that you know that is the current advice, and that it applies to the vast majority of families including those with allergies. You would love to be able to expose him to nuts in the hopes of preventing an allergy and that's why you've been feeding him X, y and z. However the issue here is there severity of your own allergy. Allergies that severe are very very rare and so not covered in generalised advice like that. Because the risk to you through touch is so high, your family needs to take extra precautions and that includes your son. You're working on a plan for when he's older but the priority is keeping you out of hospital.

And never ever ever let your baby be alone with him.

(Sorry I know you know all of of this, obviously! But it's worth spelling it out in simple terms for him. And cc your husband. )