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Allergies and intolerances

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Original poster

FIL won’t back down on nuts

108 replies

Toria33 · 02/09/2023 17:27

We had an incident lady year https://www.mylondon.news/news/real-life/i-severe-nut-allergy-father-25996677
that ended up here,
I have made it clear it isn’t safe for me to be around any traces of nuts and they seem to thing washing child (7 months) down will be enough.( Never mind bfing) I also believe my allergies are inherited from my mother who is also allergic, so am genuinely in fear of a sudden serious reaction in ds. And I know it’s suggested to expose children to nuts at 6 months and we intended to contact a dr but my health has been really bad since he was born and now unexpectedly pregnant. I just not sure what to say to make them understand that we want to do this under dr advisement it seems to be falling on deaf ears
he had had eggs, wheat, oats and all sorts I’m just not backing down on nuts and citrus / bananas as I literally cannot touch traces of them
a new article or something might be useful ?

'I have a severe nut allergy but father-in-law says he’ll feed my baby nuts'

The mum says that the father-in-law could turn her own baby into a health risk for her

https://www.mylondon.news/news/real-life/i-severe-nut-allergy-father-25996677

OP posts:
Original poster
Toria33 · 17/12/2023 16:52

Just found out when they were offering DH nut cake on Wednesday they informed him that it would wash away. When I who actually has the allergies repeatedly told them it takes days. This is criminally ignorant and dismissive and as I said we are not going and I am not talking to them. They are fucking idiots and i want nothing to do with them.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 17/12/2023 16:55

I'd actually go no contact with them about this.

I hope your H is supporting you properly now.

FictionalCharacter · 17/12/2023 16:57

Toria33 · 17/12/2023 10:46

Well update they just had a good go
On Wednesday us and was at in-laws and they offered him nut cake, he was going to not be home for two days but good husband refused saying he wanted to keep me (unborn baby) and baby 1 safe. They had some anyway by the sound of it. They were coming over to ours this Saturday just gone, Wednesday they might have been fine but turns out they had the cake about 16 hours before coming to our house. Kissed ds all over his face and kissed me in the cheek once. DS 45 mins after they left came out in painful looking raised red blotches over his face and we questioned what was in their pack lunch and my throat swelled up much later I have delayed reactions. We asked them what they had the night before hence finding out that they had nut cake 16 hours before and caused me and son to have a reaction.. wtf is wrong with this next level inconsiderate idiots? Dh is expecting us to go round their this weekend and I have said it’s not safe me and DS will end up in hospital?!

At this point it's criminal negligence by your inlaws.
Dh is expecting us to go round their this weekend
WHY? He isn't being anywhere near supportive enough.

Original poster
Toria33 · 17/12/2023 17:07

SquishyGloopyBum · 17/12/2023 16:55

I'd actually go no contact with them about this.

I hope your H is supporting you properly now.

Complying / not fighting me, but thinks I am over reacting. I don’t see a way back from this blatant disregard to my and babies safety, after I told them about oils then saying they know better .. they can seriously go fuck themselves (sorry for language very angry)

OP posts:
Jellycats4life · 17/12/2023 17:12

They hate you, don’t they?

This isn’t really about nuts, or being desperately worried about the foods your baby is being exposed to. They hate you having this control over them (no nuts, not anyone in your household, not ever) and they can’t handle it.

Original poster
Toria33 · 17/12/2023 17:25

Jellycats4life · 17/12/2023 17:12

They hate you, don’t they?

This isn’t really about nuts, or being desperately worried about the foods your baby is being exposed to. They hate you having this control over them (no nuts, not anyone in your household, not ever) and they can’t handle it.

Mil thinks that I’m not good enough. Gold digger (I get load of second hand stuff might I point out) lazy(I have had really bad health issues including 3 surgeries and two under anaesthetic proceeders. One awful pregnancy and one nice one pending) she never thought any were good enough and dislike how quickly we got together after his split from his ex and I moved in in a year. Often punished me for exs habits, when I am a different person obviously. And doesn’t listen to a fucking word I say or take it I’m bored as I am a second class citizen in my own family. Wants us to get rid of our pets because she doesn’t think they are clean enough and DS might be allergic.. also I don’t bend to their every demand, won’t clean how they tell me or buy things they demand we need. (They went in about a window water sucker for the shower that we needed to use every time we showered fir like 6 months)

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 17/12/2023 17:34

Toria33 · 17/12/2023 17:07

Complying / not fighting me, but thinks I am over reacting. I don’t see a way back from this blatant disregard to my and babies safety, after I told them about oils then saying they know better .. they can seriously go fuck themselves (sorry for language very angry)

Show quote history

Sorry but he really is NOT supporting you at all. He wanted to go round when you'd said no. He went round there and actually ate nut cake?!

Is he really properly informed about the nature of this allergy and how serious it is? He and his parents seem to think everything is OK as long as you or your child don't actually die. Which they don't seem to accept is a possibility.

Of all the food they could have given him, they chose nut cake. This is very telling. They're making a point. They've decided they know better than you and your doctors.

Honestly after all this I'd stay away permanently from them, keep my children away and give DH a bollocking. If my partner had a life-threatening severe allergy, the last thing I'd do is eat cake containing it as a main ingredient. And if my parents offered it to me knowing the implications, I'd walk out of their house, because I'd be able to see what their actions are saying.

JenniferBooth · 17/12/2023 17:35

Octavia64 · 02/09/2023 18:46

I had a similar although less intense version with my PIL.

I'm lactose intolerant. If I or exH spoke to them they would agree and seem to understand, and then serve lasagna with cheese all over it.

This went on for over 20 years.

They also did similar with SIL's baby who had CMPA. SIL and family no longer eat at their house any more because PIL can't be trusted.

You can talk to them all you want, you can send articles, but some people just won't

I had a similar discussion with DM last night Im lactose intolerant too and she couldnt understand why i cant eat lasagne any more

Original poster
Toria33 · 17/12/2023 17:37

FictionalCharacter · 17/12/2023 17:34

Sorry but he really is NOT supporting you at all. He wanted to go round when you'd said no. He went round there and actually ate nut cake?!

Is he really properly informed about the nature of this allergy and how serious it is? He and his parents seem to think everything is OK as long as you or your child don't actually die. Which they don't seem to accept is a possibility.

Of all the food they could have given him, they chose nut cake. This is very telling. They're making a point. They've decided they know better than you and your doctors.

Honestly after all this I'd stay away permanently from them, keep my children away and give DH a bollocking. If my partner had a life-threatening severe allergy, the last thing I'd do is eat cake containing it as a main ingredient. And if my parents offered it to me knowing the implications, I'd walk out of their house, because I'd be able to see what their actions are saying.

Show quote history

They were forcing nut cake and telling him it would be fine he refused. And said he didn’t want to risk me and babies. Didn’t touch or eat anything sorry if not clear.
second paragraph is spot on they literally told a nut allergy sufferers husband they knew better about nut oils.

OP posts:
Asthebellcurves · 17/12/2023 17:46

Toria33 · 17/12/2023 17:37

They were forcing nut cake and telling him it would be fine he refused. And said he didn’t want to risk me and babies. Didn’t touch or eat anything sorry if not clear.
second paragraph is spot on they literally told a nut allergy sufferers husband they knew better about nut oils.

Show quote history

You’re excusing your husband, he needs to grow up and protect his family. It’s not enough just to refuse some cake, he needs to robustly set boundaries and enforce them. While he thinks and acts like you’re overreacting, you need to recognise that he’s not on your team, nor the team of your children.

Original poster
Toria33 · 17/12/2023 17:51

Asthebellcurves · 17/12/2023 17:46

You’re excusing your husband, he needs to grow up and protect his family. It’s not enough just to refuse some cake, he needs to robustly set boundaries and enforce them. While he thinks and acts like you’re overreacting, you need to recognise that he’s not on your team, nor the team of your children.

Show quote history

Totally agree! I’m not happy but glad he is enforcing telling his parents we aren’t coming though

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 17/12/2023 18:00

The issue is your husband.

He allows them to come over and mess in your cupboards and in your house. He allows them to bring nuts into the house. Your DH is putting not upsetting them over your health.

Sort out your DH problem or work out why you're with someone who cares so little

Mumsanetta · 17/12/2023 18:08

Please can you speak in full sentences? It’s sometimes difficult to understand what you are saying.

Your in-laws are awful but your DH is a bigger problem. If my in laws behaved as yours did my DH would be so angry he would lose the plot and we would not see them again until there had been some full and frank apologies. Your in laws are really a red herring. Stop focusing on them and start asking your DH why he is not doing everything in his power to protect his wife, son and unborn child.

Original poster
Toria33 · 17/12/2023 18:21

Sorry dyslexic

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 17/12/2023 18:43

Fair enough @Toria33

Timeforsnacks · 27/12/2023 23:03

Have you seen them since the last incident?

Original poster
Toria33 · 28/12/2023 11:35

No Christmas plans with them were cancelled, they claim to be unsure weather ds Christmas presents are covered in nut traces or not and the. In Christmas Day we’re asking if we opened them so they still just don’t get it. Maybe they are stupid and don’t remember but it makes them dangerous either way. I’m nc because I do feel even a very stupid human should get it after the things I had said ten times and even if DS wasn’t allergic I am. This and the disrespect/ rude behaviour to me I’m done.

OP posts:
DyslexicPoster · 28/12/2023 11:40

Singleandproud · 02/09/2023 17:29

Surely the answer is that you FIL never gets left alone with your child. That's it, if he won't take your allergy and DC potential allergy seriously then he loses out.

This. I wouldn't even leave him with the baby to use the loo. You don't need to leave the baby with fil. Fil has no respect for you. Never leave them alone together.

He is happy to risk your child's life for his arrogance. Think about it. No brained.

Jellycats4life · 28/12/2023 11:55

they claim to be unsure weather ds Christmas presents are covered in nut traces or not

I know it’s not funny, but I laughed. Just the mental image of them rubbing nuts over the presents before wrapping them.

Of course they know full well that the presents weren’t touching any nuts. They’re just telling you that your silly rules are too complicated for them to cope with. They are telling you loud and clear that they will never take your allergy seriously.

Original poster
Toria33 · 28/12/2023 12:27

They weren’t alone when they exposed DS to nuts, they had eaten them come to our house then kissed all over his face, they can’t even be trusted with me there! I believe they were eating nut cake an wrapping presents at the same time and don’t want to confirm it/ are being headfucks. They haven’t apologised just played ignorant.

OP posts:
Timeforsnacks · 28/12/2023 14:16

Who on earth eats this many nuts????
I can go weeks without eating nuts, these people are like nut fanatics, I'm sure they are trying to expose you all as often as they can, it's just not normal.
So are the Christmas presents from them sitting on the side unopened? What does DH want to do with them?

Original poster
Toria33 · 28/12/2023 14:32

I know frankly feel they should have been making an effort not to do this crap or got a clue when our whole wedding venue went nut free for a week before and after our wedding.
presents are Still unopened DS has had an allergic reaction and covid (again thanks in-laws) to deal with and I just don’t want to risk it. I keep saying it’s not about the paper but the items I know two are soft toys and no idea how to get nuts off them and even the plastic item isn’t just a wipe down affair. Mil flippantly said give them to charity and they are giving money next year for premium bonds (we still haven’t opened a bank account in DS name and they have been Forcing the issue since he was 2 days old) hubby’s side is very money centric. Point is they still don’t get it and they are dangerous, Frankly it’s beyond ignorance there is a lack of shits given going on. I’ve been nc since the 16th as I feel that if they can’t apologise and take accountability for putting down things I said as a hypochondria or just incorrect.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toria33 · 28/12/2023 20:22

just now husband spoke to in-laws. no one on his side of the family are happy with me for sending message calling them out and his mother is claiming 1 we have no proof they exposed DS and myself to nuts and 2 it was probably heat stroke.

OP posts:
tribpot · 28/12/2023 20:29

I mean who doesn't get heat stroke in December?? (You're not in Australia, I assume).

There's no point thinking you will ever be able to convince them their behaviour was wrong, so it's time to focus on how you protect yourself and your DS, since your DH is unable to do so. He thinks you're over-reacting? When you both displayed worrying symptoms from just a mild form of exposure?

Original poster
Toria33 · 28/12/2023 21:06

Have you heard of anything more ridiculous? Nini not them who are nuts and came to the house some other thing. DH Feels my message was harsh but the general overview was correct, he’s letting them stomp all over them, he’s pushed back but not called them out. He knows what they are saying is stupid. I said you know they are too dangerous to be around the child/soon to be children, and sighed

OP posts: