FIL won’t back down on nuts

[Toria33]

We had an incident lady year https://www.mylondon.news/news/real-life/i-severe-nut-allergy-father-25996677
that ended up here,
I have made it clear it isn’t safe for me to be around any traces of nuts and they seem to thing washing child (7 months) down will be enough.( Never mind bfing) I also believe my allergies are inherited from my mother who is also allergic, so am genuinely in fear of a sudden serious reaction in ds. And I know it’s suggested to expose children to nuts at 6 months and we intended to contact a dr but my health has been really bad since he was born and now unexpectedly pregnant. I just not sure what to say to make them understand that we want to do this under dr advisement it seems to be falling on deaf ears
he had had eggs, wheat, oats and all sorts I’m just not backing down on nuts and citrus / bananas as I literally cannot touch traces of them
a new article or something might be useful ?

So your DH doesn't believe there is a concern then, either?
With the FIL and your DH not believing you then you're at a loss really.
It won't be an issue if you are dead I suppose.

DH seems to think I say enough on the matter and ignoring them is his policy 🤦🏻‍♀️

Your fil needs to understand that sometimes household members of allergy sufferers have to follow restrictions to keep loved ones safe.

i do as much as I can to let my dc have access to as many of my allergens as I can, but there are limits to what can come in our house. She is a teenager now and she handles on her own making sure she doesn’t do anything outside of the house that is going to cause me problems coming home. Sometimes that means she hops in the shower and throws her clothing into the wash as soon as she comes home, but she does it without me even asking. She is a good kid. Some day when she gets her own place, I’m getting her a gift card to go crazy buying everything I’m allergic to and I just won’t visit her home for a bit.

your husband is going to have to be the person to trial certain foods with your child. I would definitely do it under doctor supervision if possible. If that just isn’t possible, a picnic outside the hospital isn’t a bad idea.

This is good. Get the specialist advice that will allow you and your DH to proceed with confidence.

Give up any hope of trying to change your in-laws' minds, it's a hiding to nothing. All you can do is draw your boundaries. You can't move theirs.

Why is your DH barely referred to as having repeatedly stuck up for you? I was waiting for you to say that he had battled this one for you several times also?

OP I think you've been too polite at this point!'

Your in-laws sound like a true pair of arseholes. They need to be banned from your house, and your DH needs to be under no illusion about this (and why).

What a pair of ignoramuses. Your DH doesn't seem to properly have your back either, which renders him not much better. He needs to stop allowing his parents into your home.

You should point out that as they have been repeatedly made aware of your anaphylaxis, any more deliveries of nut-based food items will be considered attempted murder and you are legally within your rights to report them to the police.

You know the last time I was in a stay in hospital they pushed their way over and he didn’t even tell me they were there, I arrived home they were there messing up my kitchen again and I walked in didn’t say a word and just went up stairs with dc, later found some of my fav clothing items shoved right in the corned in a black bag behind clothing airer. So sick of this, I didn’t talk to them for weeks afterwards. I exhausted and at the start of another pregnancy just don’t have the energy for this crap.

He did at Christmas made it clear, idk if he gets sick or repeating, I was telling him tonight this isn’t something we can let go and that his parents have forfeit their right to see dc alone.

they pushed their way over and he didn’t even tell me they were there,

If they have a key to your house, take it off them. If DH let them in knowing how they behave take his off him, too. Preferably when he's on the outside! I don't understand anyone who does not put the health of their spouse and/or child above anyone else's 'feelings', be it friend or family.

This is not a case of an iL being rude to you in your own home, or leaving a mess behind after they've left. That's infuriating but can be 'gotten over' if one feels like it. This is someone who is happy to endanger your life (and possibly your child's) simply because they want to be 'right'. That's not something to 'get over' and carry on.

Well then you have a dh problem if he keeps letting them come over regardless of the fact they'd quite like to kill you off.

Well update they just had a good go
On Wednesday us and was at in-laws and they offered him nut cake, he was going to not be home for two days but good husband refused saying he wanted to keep me (unborn baby) and baby 1 safe. They had some anyway by the sound of it. They were coming over to ours this Saturday just gone, Wednesday they might have been fine but turns out they had the cake about 16 hours before coming to our house. Kissed ds all over his face and kissed me in the cheek once. DS 45 mins after they left came out in painful looking raised red blotches over his face and we questioned what was in their pack lunch and my throat swelled up much later I have delayed reactions. We asked them what they had the night before hence finding out that they had nut cake 16 hours before and caused me and son to have a reaction.. wtf is wrong with this next level inconsiderate idiots? Dh is expecting us to go round their this weekend and I have said it’s not safe me and DS will end up in hospital?!

Good husbands don't allow their parents to attempt murder. And certainly don't expect the victims to go placidly into their homes the following weekend.

Seriously, I would leave over this and refuse access to him - because he can't be trusted, either - until forced to do so by the court.

So in 9 months he's not repeated himself or taken action doesn't sound like he thinks it's that serious

He said on Wednesday that it is not subtle fashion, that nuts were not safe around me and Baby. They just are too arrogant to listen and pigheaded change. I’m super done.

@Toria33

TBH, at this point I'd be telling H (not so 'D') that neither you nor DC will be anywhere near his parents. And as I said above, they should NOT have keys to your house. In fact, they shouldn't be allowed in your house because they can't be trusted, but TBH I don't know how you'd be able to stop H from opening the door to them or how quickly you could make an exit with DC if he did.

I will say that it is your responsibility to protect yourself and DC. You know you can't trust your iLs so you need to be pro-active. If your iLs come in close to you or DC for a hug or kiss, put out your arms with hands palms up towards them (a 'stop!' posture) or push them away and say loudly "No, I can't trust you not to have had nuts recently". You do have that power, so use it! Don't stand there passively. Have DC in your arms (not H's) ready to say 'no'.

I have Coeliac so obvs I'm not dealing with potential anaphylaxis. Someone kissing my cheek after eating gluten will not make me ill so it's easily handled by just not eating anything prepared by someone I feel is 'untrustworthy'. But if one of my children had developed Coeliac, I'd be damned if I'd allow ANY person I deem untrustworthy around that child if I felt there was the least chance they'd give that child anything with gluten in it.

Although I can and do take care of myself, I would seriously consider divorce if my H didn't take the protection of our child seriously. And I'd try to get a child agreement prohibiting him from having our child near his parents (probably nearly impossible, but I'd still try so there was an official record).

Is it not bordering on criminality now?

I would tell than that if they came near you, or your baby, with nuts again having been warned time and time again that they are potentially fatal you would regard at as attempted assault/murder and reporting it to the police as such.

Not sure why you keep repeating the same choices and get shocked when the exact same outcome occurs. These freaks should not be anywhere near you.

Your husband is a huge failure. How can you want to stay married to a man who hangs out with people who want you dead? Ridiculous.

I agree with the criminal. my father asked if they were trying to hurt me on purpose. I said to husband we are not going to theirs this weekend and I am not talking to them. They have proven time and time again to not give a dam about anything I have said and done. Risking me knowingly when I am pregnant is fucked enough but DS nope. No second chance they were told.

I agree. They can't be trusted and will never learn. Just don't ever be in the situation where they're alone with your child or able to sneak some food to them.

You tell them straight

Nobody consumes nuts around us, and definitely do not feed them to the child, or we don't see you anymore.

A nut allergy can literally be life or death, or a serious disability as a result of contact with nuts.

They are selfish twats and i can't believe anyone would put their like of nuts above keeping someone safe.

They have since(yesterday) exposes child to nuts was updating thread. And he has proven to be allergic. And exposed me at the same time. As they had nut oil on themselves from eating nuts the night before coming to visit. Mummy bear not happy at all. they can’t even be trusted in our house with us watching and full knowledge of how serious it is.

Yeah, obviously. You already knew they cannot be trusted. You and your husband need to stop repeating the same choices over and over. Get these freaks away from you, how much clearer do they need to be?

Your baby your choice. Keep FiL away from DC if you can't trust him. Terrible he could literally be willing to risk your DC's life. He must be nuts.